no please...dont tell me this is a deja vu. this is not happening again. this should not be happening again...please, no. NOT AGAIN.
when i got back home today, wenwen just got back too from harajuku...but i didnt see her at the station coz she was with her bike.
but this isn't about her bike (how i wish it was that simple), this is about the look in her eyes when i asked her where she went and who she was with. i was ready to hear her say she went out with mc (my nickname for richard), but no...she couldnt tell me who it was. so i just teased her that she always goes out on a date but at the back of my mind i was jealous to death. i dont know why i have a great big feeling it was him she was with today. i always had this before...this feeling. i've always suspected that she must like mc too even before i told her the secret. maybe because i see my eyes in her eyes. i see myself in her sometimes. she also has this i-dont-care-about-mc-i-hope-it's-not-obvious-im-just-pretending look about her. and like last tuesday (11.23), she didnt even tell me that she went momiji watching with him (w/ other japanese). if i hadnt mentioned it over dinner, she wouldnt have told me about it. but knowing i like him, she should have asked me to go as well even though she's sure by now that i'd say no (coz i dont like being in a group where im the only odd girl out). and everytime i rant about how i think he only likes tall and super pretty girls, she just agrees with me. okay im crazy, i say something and someone agrees with me and it makes me unhappy. its just that i wouldnt want to be right. its just that when i say that same thing to miryll or pei or claire, their reaction is different. they tell me im silly, and that i dont know about that for sure so i shouldnt worry about that.
its happening again.
i used to just talk about chocolate (my nick for mike [not for anything else other than his complexion resembles that of chocolates]) to kate. i blab about him and she doesnt even know who im talking about. trimming the painful process that lead me to a devastating news, i just found out that the two of them are together already. i felt like i was stabbed. i felt like something in me broke into a million pieces that i cant even gather the energy to think of how to glue the pieces of me together. i literally cried the whole day at up lagoon with my highschool bestfriend. i would pause for a minute then cry again. i just couldnt believe my fate. it felt like the heaven just realized im not charming enough that it doesnt care anymore if my soul got crushed as long as their more charming creature by the name of kate is happy and smiling.
i have gotten over that already...but im afraid its happening again. then again, if wenwen really likes him, what's there left for me to do anyway? i cant tell someone to stop falling in like with someone because it would hurt my feelings. if i cant teach my heart to follow reason, what luck do i have with wenwen's heart? oh my. *sigh*sigh*sigh* no please, not again.
this is the problem with falling in like. one incident that involves your favorite guy and another girl inevitably leads you to these atrocious thoughts that scares no one else but you...when for all you know, they could just be plain friends.
i dont know how its going to be like tomorrow or this afternoon or right after i write this, but at this very moment i know and i feel that God is enough for me. if richard or any special guy i like cant love me, i will do just fine. after all the crying, i will do just fine. i can find my peace in God.
when i was a kid i used to say, whenever im asked what i'd like to be when i grow up, that i'd want to be a nun. but back then it has nothing to do with my faith. i only wanted to be a nun because i heard that nuns dont marry. i heard that when someone marries, they leave their home and parents and i just couldnt imagine myself leaving papa and mama so i decided i should be a nun.
in the 21 years ive been walking on earth, ive had my share of laughs and tears, sang a thousand sad songs and happy ones, fell in and out of 'like' (or love, or so i thought), wrote my fears and pain on a dozen journals hoping that somehow they'd go away...the reasons for my fears, tears, and laughs, changes, some of the songs i've forgotten, the faces of the guys i like changes, and each pain is not the same as it last visited me...but through it all there's only one thing constant. i always find peace in God.
dont get me wrong, i am not saying i've given up all my hopes and dreams of falling in love (for real, that is) and finally decided my fate is probably inside a convent. i'd be lying to myself and to God if i do that because i know in my heart that this i-want-to-be-loved-back feeling will never leave me. i am just...*sigh*...i am just thankful to my parents for introducing God to me since i was little. i wouldnt know where i would be now if not for God's comfort. its most likely that i'd have lost my hold on sanity ages ago if it weren't for God.
i dont know what i'd be if not for God. and so i know that if richard doesnt end up liking me, i'd fall for someone again despite my i'll-protect-myself scheme (coz i almost always promise myself to guard my heart better every after heart wound, but almost always fail after a couple of months) and that someone might end up hurting me again, and the go-break-kathleen's-heart cycle goes on forever but i know i will do just fine. i have God with me and i will do just fine. God is enough for me.
am not a kid anymore.
they keep telling me that's its not your time yet, youre still way way young, and the best is yet to come.
but when will be my time? i just turned 21 and maybe that's no reason to get alarmed. it does not necessarily mean that im 21 and single since birth that i am gonna stay like that forever. but the thing is, if you've never been with anyone all your life--it makes you wonder what's wrong. what could 'dating people' have done that i haven't thought of doing? (i was tempted to say it makes me wonder what could be wrong with me, but no, i am never going into that again. i just promised myself never to have anymore insecurity attacks and im sticking to that.)
i never get tired of this topic. i could write endlessly about the fears, the dreams, the thoughts, and everything about single since birth and perpetually heartbroken souls and i would do just fine. this is probably the subject i am most eloquent about.
the point is not really about my desperation of having a boyfriend because everyone else does have. that's so not the point. its just that i want to feel the happiness of knowing someone has returned my feelings...because...(sigh) i never knew how that felt.
if only i can guard myself from falling in like with anyone, if only i could put up a barricade to block my heart from ever beating unusually faster for some guy, then i'd be soo much better off. i'd be happy being alone for life. the thing is, i cant do that. apparently, i have a heart with a mind of its own. without warning, it just falls for someone. and im doomed because it breaks me bigtime when my silly heart seeks to have its feeling returned but cant have it. one or two or three or four heartbreaks is tolerable but for a heart(faith) broken a dozen times? its a bit too much that you start wondering if your fate's cursed.
am not a kid anymore. i want to feel loved back too.
here i go again. but im not gonna rant about how i feel unpretty today...reason why i feel ignored by the last person i would want to treat me that way. because that's a lie. and i dont deserve that. and im tired of thinking that way...plus the fact that it takes me nowhere.
no this isnt one of those no-one-loves-me-because-im-not-perfect monolouges.
i am okay. i am perfect just the way i am. but i dont feel okay though. coz i want him to like me but it seems like he doesnt. but i just think that i am perfect for someone, somewhere...someday.
im trying to figure out what im feeling right now. im certainly not in my best mood now but i am not depressed either. i am not gonna pretend i dont wish he could see me in a special way and fall in like with me real enough to show me i matter to him. (oh no! what are these tears for?...) but since not all wishes come true...and since i will never ever have the courage to take the risk of professing to him, then the only thing left to do is let go. coz really, he used to make me feel he'd want to be friends with me but now i feel he's ignoring me. must be because when he talks to me before (oh no...stop tears!) i talk to him back with three-word sentences pretending as if im neutral to him, like i dont feel a thing towards him. okay it must be my fault but what can i do? im like this. when i like someone i couldnt be myself around them. im actually talking to him back comfortably at the back of my head but i dont know why i still end up with a yes or no answer, or when im lucky, i end up with a very short sentence. so it must be my fault he wont like me now but no i wont blame myself because i've had enough of this blaming.
im really losing hope in us.
like i've lost hopes before.
but i cant really blame myself for something i couldnt have, right? that's just the way things go sometimes. but this is a good start. maybe now that i'm learning to love myself, someone i love can learn to love me as well. and i didnt really lose something...someone, coz i never really had him...
what i really fear most is to die wihout ever feeling very much loved. no not the kind like that from my family or friends because i had the best of that. but the kind coming from the person i care so much for him to be the subject of my innumerable monologues, and the reason for the thousand tears i've cried. im scared of dying without ever holding hands with someone i am so proud to be beside with. i'm scared of not knowing how it is to find happiness in silence beside someone without ever having to utter a word to each other. i'm scared i might end up with the person who i cant love that much but has to be with because there's not that much choice. i'm scared. and the more days that passes without any sign of that special someone, the more scared i get.
its so pathetic and sad (to the nth power) how we hurt so much in silence without even them knowing that theyre hurting us...i want to let them in on how painful it is and blame them for doing the things they do that make us fall for them...then again, it isnt really their fault is it? and neither is it ours. but whoever's fault was it, what makes it more painful is the thought that you are the only one hurting. that at night, you are the only one crying. that at the end of the day, he still hasn't shown the littlest interest on you (or maybe he has but you think youre assuming too much again), while youre there in your room thinking about him and you, and the great impossibility of you ever being together. then you start blaming your thighs, or your hair, or whatever poor part of you body (or wardrobe that day) who's fault you think it is that he didnt notice you today. then you start thinking of the next possible big day, play different scenes in your head of your next encounter when he'll finally see the beauty that is you. then the next day comes but still, nothing happens. the scene you rehearsed in your head the other night didnt happen again. then you'd worry about what could be wrong with you this time...(youre like, 'no it cant be the hair, i ironed it this morning,'...'oh no its my shirt! it doesnt match with my...').its funny now that i think about it. its funny now that i write about it, but it really happens. and it hurts because you go through hell and yet you know theyre not even affected.
i always complain that none of the guys i ever really liked, liked me back but my ate joey asked me, "and do they even know that you liked them?"but is there no other way? do i really have to let them know how i feel? haaayyy...
he's on BUSY-mode in msn and yet when i went to wenwen's room, he's chatting with her. so i signed out of msn to give them some privacy!!!the jerk!
i'm so jealous.
then again wenwen and him are friends...while were only 'sort-of friends'.
i will never profess to him first. i am never doing that. i swear i wont. over my beautiful dead body!
in the first place, i dont care if people would think i live in the 70's. i wont tell him i like him because if i am ever going to have my first boyfriend i would definitely love to feel i am special enough for that person to persevere to have me. if i confess first, then i'd have to be the one taking care of him. no. i am not doing it. because if he likes me deep enough, he'd be the one taking risk. so no. i am not doing it.
if he doesnt like me, which appears to be the case, then what the heck!!!do i really want to be with someone who's only forced to be with me?!! who doesnt like me at all?!!!i owe myself some respect so NO.
they make me so jealous though.
i seriously need to re-evaluate how i see my life...how i see myself.
im a mess right now. but it doesnt mean i have to be like this forever. it always ends up like this whenever i start falling in like with someone. the insecurities i thought were buried a long long time ago always comes back to hunt me. falling in like should be a happy feeling. but why cant it be that way with me? its always a sad start that ends with more tears and sadness. then i'd be back on my feet again, only to fall in like again, exposing myself to pain then ending up with a heart broken again. its a cycle. im going around in circle and i want to bail out of it. but i dont know how...
now its richard. i dont even know why i like him. maybe because sometimes i think he sees me differently, then again sometimes it feels like he doesnt care at all. or maybe its his smile. maybe because im happy just looking at him from afar. maybe because i like the way he laughs. maybe sometimes my heart is just looking for a place to belong to...for some reason for it to beat.only it falls for the wrong guys. why cant it like the guys who like me? why does it have to be the guys who are so out of my league? why does it have to be richard now?
okay i have to try to think well here...
i dont exactly know if he likes me or not. its just that i dont love myself that i fear he couldnt love me too (or even just like). when he's around, i couldnt be myself. he makes me so uncomfortable that i wish i can just get rid of the feeling. but i guess that never was an easy thing to do, for anyone.
im afraid that when he's around, i might say the wrong things. i fear that he might see through me and see the things i dont like about my self that he wouldnt like me too.
but what can i do? No single guy i really liked, cried gallons of tears for, has ever returned my feelings. then again none of them knew. all the pointless crying and the painful heartbreaks in the silence of my room...you cant help it--it drags you down and makes you feel unspecial, unpretty, unperfect for anyone...how can i get back on track? how can i escape from the paradigm i breathe in? how can i make myself believe that despite the tears i am meant for someone special too..that i am special too?
i feel so sad for myself for adding to my misery. if theres one person who should love myself, it should be me and yet even that i cant do.i only love myself when i do something right and when...at times, i fall below my miss-perfect standard, i punish myself by thinking i could have done better than that. i should feel happy and lucky just to be me. i mean, im pretty...i am beautiful...maybe not by hollywood standards or some posh magazine standards but i am beautiful. im smart, im in the best university in the philippines and im running for honor, and i got this scholarship. how many people had wanted to be in my shoes? and all my friends tell me im crazy and stubborn for thinking im unpretty. i am not tall but does it even matter? i dont choose friends based on their measurement anyway. i am not that fat either. actually i really am not fat. and my friends like my smile. it is so beautiful it can hide all my pain inside. you wouldnt know i am crying inside because my smile can hide it all. i am not rich but my family and i live a decent life. we dont live in luxury but we always have enough. now these thoughts really make me cry...how could i have not seen this before? how could i add more to my pain and my load? how could i not love myself? how could i ask for more when i always try me best? how could i not see i always try to live up to my own expectations but that i am only human and i am bound to make mistakes?
if richard or some guy doesnt like me for who i am, ate joey is right, they are not worth my tears. i can cry and theres nothing wrong with crying but i didnt lose anything worth keeping. and i wouldnt say its their loss because they have all the right to choose their happiness and if they think they couldnt find it with me, i shouldnt take it against myself. its their choice and it has nothing to do with me. it doesnt mean im crap. it doesnt make me less special. i am still perfect just being me. i am just meant for someone else.
this is part of what ate joey told me a while ago...'kasi naman kat..siguro mataas lang yung standard mo sa beauty kaya ganun ka na lang ka insecure pero you know what..stop looking at magazines because it would only make you feel unpretty and insecure..for me..the most beautiful people in the world are those whose beauty transcends appearance..like my mom and my friends...if other people won't like me because i don't look 'pretty' like them...to hell with them! real women have curves my dear...we love you for what you are and if those guys won't like you because of your appearance then they don't deserve evey second of your attention..i hope richard is not like that'
she is right.
i will be alright from now on...i hope.
he's the only person online on my msn now. and it makes me so nervous just seeing his name on my screen. this shouldnt be happening.aaargh.i should get rid of this feeling NOW...he doesnt like me. i cant keep liking someone who isn't even close to seeing me the way i would have wanted him to see me.at least now its clear.if he likes me even for a small small bit, he'd have said 'hello' by now...but nothing. silence. just that.
'if i have to fall may it be from a high place...'if i have to fall in like with someone, may it be worth all the pain. may it be worth all the risk. if i have to cry, may it be after a laugh...or even just a smile. if i have to open my heart to danger, may it feel protected and safe even only for a while...
still nothing from him though.
he will never love me...or like me.
i dont know why its always like this. i dont know why everytime i had to fall in like with someone, it had to be with someone out of my reach. im so tired of this. im tired of always having to be the one crying. why cant things be simple? why cant i just end up liking the ones who like me? or why cant i just not fall in like with anyone? it wasnt like this before. when i was a kid, things used to be simple...until the day my heart got rid of its walls.
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
|How to make a Falling Star|
1/2 cup of naivety
3/4 cup of laughter
1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!*
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...