theyre going to disney sea on sunday. i wanted to go but Mi, fairey, and verena wont be there...if i go, ill be the only non-chinese, non-japanese, non-nihongo-jouzu there...and ill be extremely silent, i'll die. the silence will kill me. :( and to add to that, i have loads of sheets to do, three kanji quizzes to take the following day, three papers to finish...plus its church day. if i have all these reasons, why am i even entertaining the idea of going? haaaay...ill just go there by myself, or probably ask my host sisters to go with me. ^^
hmm...is it just me? or are there other people like me? when i was baptized, they added a maria on my name. maybe every babies baptized in della estrada have maria on their names. but thats weird, then every girl, my age, who goes to that church and was baptized there are named maria? but i never used it because it doesnt go with kathleen. if it was mary, id have considered using it. hmm...mary kathleen? NYAY. then again its not my original birth name.
why does my name have to be soO ordinary? from first grade until i finished high school, there was always another kathleen in my class. why did my parents stopped being creative when they gave birth to me? i mean ate's kitty pie...who else in the world has that name?! and im supposed to be the kitten and shes the cat because she's older than me. hmmmph. it wasnt supposed to be pie...mama wanted to name her kitty faye but she ended up with pie. why didnt she just gave me that name instead? and why didnt she just named me Kaye Elle, since she calls me elle anyway? she calls ate pie, while im elle.
my parents gave me that nickname kL. and they made me believe i have two names: Kath Leen just like ate. until i found out in high school that its just one name after all.
why am i giving too much thought over my name anyway? zZZzzzz. sleeepy.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. this is my third time to lose my commuter pass. just how that further confirms the fact that stupidity runs in my veins? aaargh.
its the sound of the conversations you made up in your head that never happened. its the sound of the pages of your book as you skim through it...as you try in vain to wander in another world. its the sound of his laugh playing in your head, or his voice that you seem to hear everywhere only for you to turn and realize it wasnt him...that it was just your head playing tricks on you. its the sound of your pen as it touches your journal as you try to write your feelings hoping itll ebb away along with the ink in your pen. its the sound of a sad song as it pricks your heart. its the sound of your footsteps on the ground, walking alone. its the sound of your laugh that hides the pain inside...its every little sound... i didnt know hearts make sound when they break, until i stopped and listened.
its every little sound because when your heart breaks....you feel like even the rain is talking to you, crying with you...or the wind, trying to comfort you by sending you a breeze...sometimes its the laugh and sweet whisperings of the couple sitting beside you on the train as if mocking you...or his laugh that shows no sign of pain, no sign that he is affected in anyway...
but mostly, its the sound of your tears rolling down your cheeks...its the sobs...its the sound of your heart catching for breath because you were crying a lot...you almost ran out of it...
its a familiar sound, but not quite...because although youve gone through it before...its always a different sound....
and yes, destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you...
--> click here for my friend's post's version <--
i didnt know hearts make sound when they break, until i stopped and listened.
hmmmm?! nyay. no kaya una kong hahanapin? haaaay. ang lucky ko. halos lahat ng kailangan ko at yung ibang gusto ko nakukuha ko...samantalang mas madaming mas bata pa sakin na walang matutulugan tonight. na nakatira sa basurahan. na walang tsinelas. na masaya na pag may sardinas o noodles sa mesa nila. dapat masaya ako. and i am.
nyay. no kaya una kong hahanapin?
haaaay. ang lucky ko. halos lahat ng kailangan ko at yung ibang gusto ko nakukuha ko...samantalang mas madaming mas bata pa sakin na walang matutulugan tonight. na nakatira sa basurahan. na walang tsinelas. na masaya na pag may sardinas o noodles sa mesa nila. dapat masaya ako. and i am.
my friend posted what is the sound of your heart breaking? in her blog and i wrote a comment on how my heart sounds when it breaks....i was surprised my comment was one blog long...i didnt realize hearts make sounds when they break until i wrote it. ill post it someday. but not now...ive written too many sad thoughts already.
meron nakong my sassy girl and the classic soundtracks...anyone who wants a copy, buburn ko kayo pag-uwi ko sa pinas ^^
everything happens for a reason.
i needed something to make me happy today. and then wenwen sent me a movie...and i almost died of happiness when i found out it was the movie ive been wanting to see for ages. The Classic. Ate yohwee told me about it because she said it reminded her of me (I dont know why).
ive been asking wenwen for the english title of the movie she was sending me but she couldnt tell me coz she doesnt know. so when i played it for the first time...the moment i heard the music, i knew right then and there it was The Classic...coz ive been playing its trailer saved on my pc ippai times. aaaaa...i love surprises. :-_-
and i love the movie.
"A rainbow is the door to heaven. When people die they go to heaven through that door"
Today, I saw you reading a book by the bench. It looked like a picture in a postcard.
The night stained with pain kept me awake...The gloomy moonlight has unexpectedly made your shadow suspend on my window...
When I look at him, I feel breathless. But he never once looked at me.
l"ll put a spell on him. Look back! Look back! Look back!
When I saw you for the first time, you already stole my heart. But now that you came to me I feel like we"ll be together forever.
"When I opened the window this morning, the romantic breeze signaled autumn coming. l"ll put that wind in the letter and send it to you"
l"m heavy, huh?
Nope. You"re not heavy at all
But I weigh a lot And I eat a lot, too
Don"t worry, I can carry you on my back and go anywhere!
I bought presents today, I also got you one, so you wouldn't feel alone.
"When the sun shines on the sea, I think of you. When the dim moonlight is on the spring I think of you"
I have no reason to see him anymore. He wants to be with Soo-gyung now.
I missed you
I didn't think we'd meet again, But why does the library have to be so close?
l'm not the type to fall in love with one girl. But I must really like her.
There's nothing we can do for us
Don't say that. There's a way.
No, there's nothing more we can do. Nothing. We'll only get hurt.
Why are you covering your face?
Stop it, I haven't washed my face, and it's dirty
But you're still pretty
I'm sorry. I must be really stupid. Besides liking you, I'm not good at anything else.
I miss you. I miss you so much I'll die.
Look outside the window, If the branches swing gently in the wind then the one you love is loving you, too.
When it first snows, they say you should stroll with your beloved. But I'm just writing a letter.
Open your ears, If you hear your heartbeat then the person you love is loving you, too.
Close your eyes. If there's a smile on your lips then the person you love is loving you, too.
I'm not the only one who gets wet even with an umbrella, am I?
I wanted to say that I liked you, but I couldn't.
Love is more important than a play.
I had so much to tell you, But now that we've met, I can't remember.
I think our feelings took the best of us. We cried and laughed at the smallest things.
i must be really shallow. i could be all systems down at one moment, then happy in a second only because of a trivial thing. like seeing this movie. not happy HAPPY but im more calmed now. thank you wenwen.
**why do Koreans have the nicest movies? this, my sassy girl, lovely rivals, etc...**
i found out something today. i thought im okay, im alright, im super...but (cry to the nth power) and i wont stop . why stupid puso? why wont you change?
kamakura trip today. fun fun fun. even the part where we had to drink the tea which we used to wash our bowls...^^ okay that sounded grosser than what really happened.
today i saw the cutest monk ever. who'd have thought monks can be cute? and during lunch, he smiled and laughed a lot...^^ soO cute. then again, he's a monk. i could go back in that jinja on thursdays and fridays to meditate with them though....and i could go with verena, kathleen, and el-k. we'll form a our cute monk fans club. bwuahahaha.
so tired coz i was awake since 12 last night, and i only got a sleep on the train, and the bus on the way home. bad sleeping habit.
*sigh* why cant i speak? *sigh* oh well...
we just noticed it yesterday (i was gonna say today but then i realized its friday already), that its becoming a thursday afternoon routine. instead of going to jap soc. (now i feel bad, its not like me to miss class just because i dont want to attend class...then again, classes here are different from classes at home), me and claire have this habit of craving for some food that happens to be very elusive...that we end up walking miles to search for it. its been almost a month.
last time we wanted a baskin robbins ice cream but we were at harajuku and there seems to be no ice cream parlor there so we walked to shibuya searching for baskins but fate wanted to torture us so we didnt find it..so we walked back to harajuku all the way to yoyogi still hoping we'll find one along the way but we still didnt. we ended up at baskins in akabane.
yesterday it was mister donuts we wanted. and the only mister donuts i know in shinjuku happened to be close yesterday. how so perfect. so we walked all over shinjuku looking for it, until we realized were going further and further from shinjuku station so we thought we might as well walk to ikebukuru. hah! we only reached shin-ookubo coz we were so tired we cant take anymore walking. this time we ended up at mcdonalds. *sigh*
our first ever search wasnt as difficult as the last two though, coz we already know theres a baskin at akabane...we only had to walk around akabane to look for it. but it was raining and we had to share a tiny umbrella. ^^
i will miss this. a lot. even the part where i have to study kanji while eating. *sigh*
im so lucky. and blessed.
why is it that when something (that is caused by some feeling that is directed to some human being whom you find more worth liking compared to other human creatures) hurts you, people tend to give a rather unthought of advice: "forget her/him." and no its not their fault, they just happen to think those words would help.
but the thing is, it doesnt help at all. and its impossible in bold letters. i mean this isnt something that can possibly rank in your list of events subject to selective amnesia. even acquiring real amnesia takes hard work, i mean you have to be willing to subject yourself to ultra traumatic events or cook up some accident that will surely injure your head without killing yourself...and even real amnesia can be temporary.
even when its all over, even when the feelings all gone, you still never forget. you always remember. and even when youve let go, sometimes you still care. you still wish good things for the person. because after all, its not their fault you were hurt. they didnt force you to invest too much emotions in them, so blame it on your foolish foolish heart...
there actually is a thing called Lacunar amnesia. a loss of memory about one specific event and it can last for years and years and you might not be able to recover the memory ever again. but i think forgetting is easier done when there's no strong feelings involved. you can forget the many times you were poked, pricked, or punched by a friend but when your hopes was broken by someone, you cant just go amnesiac over it. *hope not heart because its not really the heart that breaks but your faith and hope in love, is it not?*
my point really is, "move/on" or "let/go" are both one syllable shorter than "for/get/her(or him)"...i think its more convenient to say the former to a friend...not to mention, more thoughtful, more sensitive. ^^
i now have the in the mood.. movie in FRENCH :)...but with english subtitle. its soOo weird.
and now i have all of coldplay songs ever to play on earth. :)
but i miss densha otoko. the girls watched it today :(. why do i have to be unwell today?! sipunin! :(
i might go home august 28 or 27. its a weekend so ate doesnt have class (we can go straight to bench fix from the airport *smiles*). and its just in time for ruth's debut...birthday birthday ^^. but i have no dress to wear...all my non-prom dress are in black :(.
that reminds me, mama made my junior prom dress ^^. i have a very talented mama, dont i? it was a simple long silver sleeveless dress. it wasnt anything cinderella-like (thank God it wasnt! ^^) but it was nice and pretty....waaaaiiit...how did i get to this prom talking? i was supposed to talk about my ate.
nothing really, its just when i woke up (i always get a sleeping spell after taking a medicine) i talked to my sis. she thought ill stay here until september and she was already making a countdown to her friends on how many days left until i come home. so when i told her i will be home before september, she was soo excited because it was earlier than she was expecting.
*sigh* i wanna see them very very sooon...and yet i also want to stretch the time i have here left to spend with my friends.
i will be very very far away from them...theyre so lucky, after leaving time, some of them will still see each other coz theyre in the same university...while me! im all alone. *sigh*
i havent done most of my sheets yet, i have too many kanji to remember, and an econ paper thats stressing me out. so stressed out, i wanna cry. i wouldnt complain if God takes my life now. right here, right now. :-_-: this week and next week is my hell week. :-_-: prepare to break down. :-_-:
i havent done most of my sheets yet, i have too many kanji to remember, and an econ paper thats stressing me out. so stressed out, i wanna cry. i wouldnt complain if God takes my life now. right here, right now. :-_-:
this week and next week is my hell week. :-_-: prepare to break down. :-_-:
i feel so stupid! i didnt know i could download english subtitles from the net! :-_-; if i had known all along, i wouldnt have deleted in the mood for love...it took quite a long time to download it only to be deleted by an insanely stupid girl named me. :-_-: waaaaaaaaaaah!
whats more insane is, now i have the subtitle but no movie. :-_-:. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
okay okay, patience is a virtue...just download it again insane girl.
btw, still moving on just fine. feel a lot better today.
i have to decide now when i want to book my flight home. this is really making me sad. this is really gonna end soon, isnt it? :-_-: everything just moves so fast.
something is terribly abnormal with rory (loralai gilmore III). she does her homeworks on fridays so she could do extra credit on weekends. her dad was going to buy her a present and she asked for a dictionary (!!!). she always brings a book with her...to her school dance, to her schoolmate's party, anywhere. she has all the makings of what a brainy geek should be but NOT QUITE... because the best looking guy in stars hallow is crazy over her and the best looking guy in chilton is smitten over her. that doesnt happen in real life.
okay maybe she's not just book and school crazy...maybe there's more to her than that, but still...the best looking guys fall for the elle macphersons of the world and rarely to a geek. that's the rule.
but i still wanna watch gilmore anyway. ^^
moving on just fine.
what's nice about moving on (or at least trying to...) is that by letting go of whatever hope left, youre sparing yourself of any future pain you might get from it...and you stop listening to utterly sorowful songs so you do your ears a big big favor. and you can listen to mymp's love moves in mysterious ways song without feeling envious ^^. plus you can like someone else without feeling guilty.
And when somebody knows you well, well there's no comfort like that. And when somebody needs you, well there's no drug Iike that
--london rain, heather nova
When You Know That you know Who you love, You cant deny it. Or go back, Or give up, Or pretend That you dont buy it.
--when you know, shawn colvin
It's not how long we held each other's hands, What matter is how well we loved each other. It's not how far we've travelled on our way But what we found to say.
It's not the spring we see, But all the shades of green.
It's not how long I held you in my arms, What matter is how sweet the years together.
It's not how many summertimes We have to give to give to fall.
The early morning smiles We cheerfully recall.
What matters most is that we loved at all.
--what matters most, kenny rankin
But you can't rearrange my life Because it pleases you.
You've got to love me For what I am For simply being me.
Don't love me For what you intend Or hope that I will be.
And if you're only using me To feed your fantasy,
You're really not in love So let me go, I must be free.
--love me for what i am, carpenters
when nothing you do can change my mind. the more I learn, the more I love, the more my heart can't get enough. thats when I love you, when I love you no matter what.
--that's when i love you, aslyn
Don't you fear when you dream, Waking up is never what it seems.
--say goodnight, Beth Nielsen Chapman
With all that Ive done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.
--butterfly kisses, bob carlisle
To really love a woman, To understand her, you gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought, see every dream. And give her wings when she wants to fly...
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one Cuz she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever...
--have you ever really loved a woman, bryan adams
The way that people come and go through temporary lives, my chance could come and i might never know.
--i need to be in love, carpenters
Surely time will lose these bitter memories and i'll find that there is someone to believe in, And to live for something i could live for....
What lies in the future is a mystery to us all. No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls.
--goodbye to love, carpenters
You are beautiful no matter what they say. Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way. Yes, words won't bring you down
--beautiful, christina aguilera
When there's no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way
You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within...
You'll never change if you just run away...
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day..
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid...
Life is a journey, It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning, You'll find all you'll ever need to know
--the voice within, christina aguilera
So whose to worry If our hearts get torn.
When that hurt gets thrown, Don't you know this life goes on.
--this year's love, david gray
You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait.
She said love don't come easy, It's a game of give and take
--you cant hurry love, diana ross
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy. Well I deserve nothing more than I get, Cos nothing I have is truly mine. While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down, While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try...Well how can I say I'm alive...if my life is for rent.
--life for rent, dido
oh once in your life you find someone Who will turn your world around, Bring you up when you're feelin' down...
--heaven, bryan adams
And life is a road that i wanna keep going. Love is a river, i wanna keep flowing. Life is a road, now and forever, wonderful journey...
--at the beginning, donna lewis
etc...-_-...i should start writing again... uh...and another happy thought, i edited some pics and it was fun doing it.
i keep an im-happy/grateful-because book. its where i write all things (small and big) that make me happy. i started it because there are a lot of great things that are happening in my life and yet sometimes i still feel empty...plus i have a bad memory..so i thought, maybe i should keep track of the many nice things that makes my good days a lot better and not-so-good days a little bit bearable. also i think it will teach me how to value my life more, because often times it is the small things in life that mean more....one day ill have something to look back on that can make me happy...so in effect, those happy thoughts will make me happy twice.
i badly needed something to cheer me up today...until it crossed my mind so i searched for it through my messy things.
amazing, i read on and some things i wrote there i totally forgot about them until im reminded again.
etc...-_-...i should start writing again...
uh...and another happy thought, i edited some pics and it was fun doing it.
i wont be sleeping tonight ^^. i miss doing this with sis. now i only have the coffee to accompany me...my fifth cup, that is ^^.
and yeah. my friend was right. i need to have journ and not miss any of my thoughts because when i get old, all these things thats on my mind now will faint in my memory and there's no way i can remember them all...at least with this, ill remember i was once sensitive, i liked someone once, i once was stupid...stuff like that ^^
"That's the difference between girls and guys, I guess. Guys can pick up and put stuff down easily but girls always like to hang on to a thread, hoping that the thin thread will slowly weave itself into a string and something larger perhaps."--Shangshang
the problem with me is 1.) i jump to conclusions easily, 2.) im stopping myself from getting over someone who has gotten over me even before we met, 3.) i dont really know what i want, 4.) i am almost often all feelings and emotions rather than reason, 4.) i dont keep my promises to myself, 5.) i have an ultra crazy way over board imagination that i trust, 6.) i hang on to a really thin thread hoping it will weave itself into something, 7.) i listen to who painted the moon black, 8.) i allowed three words to disturb me, 9.) im a cybaby..i cry a lot so i end up feeling sorry for myself, 10.)...
i know ive said this already...but i wasnt really being honest then, but now its for real, i will start getting over IT now. im a big girl now...and although big girls do cry like everyone else, i am not allowed to cry this time coz i had enough wallowing.
i am not gonna allow anyone to hurt me. and i wont hurt myself anymore.
i was searching for this quote from one of my most fave books, Love Story by Erich Segal, and then i came across this website, Said Who, and found more quotes! ^^
i have to post it coz theyre worth pondering on...
Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. Arthur Wing Pinero
If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, because a heart can be broken, a circle goes on forever.Brian Littrell
Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other (Gesammelte Werke)Carl Gustav Jung
Great loves too must be endured. Coco Chanel
Love's like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in lifeDouglas William Jerrold
The pleasure of love is in loving.Duc De La Rochefoucauld
I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong.Ella Fitzgerald
Of all pains, the greatest pain Is to love, and love in vain (The happiest mortals once we were)George Granville
Love is so simple.Jacques Prevert
In love, one and one are one.Jean Paul Sartre
I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.Martin Luther King
Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.Mother Teresa
The greatest thing in the world is to be in love and be loved in return.Moulin Rouge
Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.Niccolo Machiavelli
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.Oscar Wilde
Love will enter cloaked in friendship's name.Ovid
Dignity and love do not blend well, nor do they continue long together.Ovid
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.Peter Ustinov
Love's tongue is in the eyes (Piscatory Eclogues)Phineas Fletcher
Love isn't everything in lifePorfirio Diaz
It is a great help for a man to be in love with himself. For an actor, however, it is absolutely essentialRobert Morley
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.Samuel Butler
What a grand thing, to be loved! What a grander thing still, to love!Victor Hugo
A life without love is a sinful and immoral thing. Vincent Van Gogh
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love. - EcloguesVirgil
O tyrant love, to what do you not drive the hearts of men.Virgil
The course of true love never did run smooth - a Midsummer's nights dream William Shakespeare
Love is blind, and lovers cannot seeThe pretty follies that themselves commit William Shakespeare
From Sonnet 116: ...Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration findsOr bends with the remover to remove.O no, it is an ever fixed markThat looks on tempests and is never shaken... William Shakespeare
When people get cynical about love, they should look at us [Yoko and John Lennon] and see it is possible Yoko Ono
ah and this was the quote i was looking for....
"Love means never having to say youre sorry..."
the book and the movie started with this: What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant? That she loved Mozart and Bach, the Beatles, and me?
it was a tragic love story but you'll love it, really. it was the first book that almost killed me of heart attack. it was worth reading, there was even a university (ive been cracking my mind for the name but i just couldnt remember) that required all their freshmen students to read it ^^. i have yet to read its sequel, Oliver's Story.
i hate firefox. this blog is worst viewed with firefox. hatehatehate.
happy father's day papa.
you are the best papa in the whole wide universe. thank you kase i know youve worked soOo hard for our family. we dont have much in life but we always have enough, thank you pa. thank you kase when i was a kid, you dont mind kahit na nagkakakalyo na kamay mo basta meron lang tayong apat :-_-:. thank you for being nice to my friends, like in elementary and we always see ella on our way to school...tos pinapaangkas mo sya. and everytime we pass her place, tinitingnan mo kung andun sya para makasakay sya with us. thank you for taking me and my friends home after the prom. and in college, thank you for driving me to my class when im running late and had to hurry. thank you kase you try very hard to give me and ate what we need...^^and more. thank you kase when its really late and i need a ride home, i just text you and may sundo na agad ako. remember when katrina still lives at home (?), thank you for taking us to McDo katips at night for an icecream whenever they have a cheap icecream promo. thank you for being there kapag my school ceremony...for taking my pictures sa graduation ko nung elem and high school. thank you for showing me youre proud of me...thank you for beleiving in me and ate. sometimes sobrang bilib na. thank you for being the kind of papa who hugs, who jokes, who laughs, who says i love you...tapos malaki na kami ni ate pero kinakarga mo pa din kami :-_-:. thank you for constantly texting me i love you even if im here...far away. namimiss ko yung showbiz chika mo. namimiss kong makita ka na parating suot yung ferben shirt.
im sorry for being a bad daughter especially when i was a lot younger. sorry pa. sorry po kase parati namin ikaw ni ate binibigyan ng headache, pero mahal mo pa din kami.
there's a lot i should be grateful to you for, pero thank you for being the kind of papa who loves me and ate very much. i miss you, i love you, and youre the best. :-_-:
...thank you for playing Step with me ^^
i dont wanna go home yet...but june is ending and i have to decide soon when i wanted to have my flight booked...and these thoughts about what ill do when i get home kept appearing in my head so im gonna start making a short list now... okay this will upset me if i go on...ill continue next time...
okay this will upset me if i go on...ill continue next time...
it was the first phone with a built-in camera that came out in the philippines. i didnt wanna buy it because it wasnt exactly small...although it can still fit in my jeans' pocket. but when i got it as a gift for my birthday, i fell in love with it. -_-. (i dont remember what nice thing i did, that they gave me a phone for that birthday...it was either i had been really good that year ^^ or i was very good at forcing them. ^^)
i miss my kill bill, ignition, dilemma, that happy song (*singing* im so happy i met you! im happy! can't you see im happy now!*stopped singing*) , blahblah ringtones. :(. i miss my secret shots :(. i miss my screen :(. i miss the videos...that one with rox and me talking about her and her cookie monster :(. i miss signing online on yahoo messenger with my phone at night and chat with mommy marie and youre-so-vain ex-ucc (sometimes) :(. i miss my messages...the quotes and the ego-masahista messages that i never ever delete :(. i miss sliding the keypad :(. i miss putting ****'* *** on the background. i just miss my phone :-_-:
when my sis got her 6600...i wanted to trade my phone for her phone, coz its better than mine...but now im really missing it. :(
if only i have lesser care in the world...then i wouldnt have swollen eyes tonight. still hate gloria.
nanood ako ng maalaala mo kaya. yung episode where carlo and his brother died because of brain cancer and leukemia. iyak ako ng iyak. hindi ako makatigil ng iyak tos nakareceive kami ng text from phils...magdedeclaire daw si gloria ng martial law tos iyak ako ulit. nakakainis talaga yang pandak na yan. :-_-: takot kaya ako sobra. what if its true? pano ko macocontact sila mama? ahhhhh....am worried. sana its not true. :-_-:
am too scared. i hate gloria. gusto ko siyang tirisin.
fave food ni katkat: when that's on the table, i have difficulty stopping myself from eating. :( nakakalimutan ko na dapat akong magpapayat ^^.
when that's on the table, i have difficulty stopping myself from eating. :( nakakalimutan ko na dapat akong magpapayat ^^.
Ohh Myy Gawdd!!!! i am in-love with my movie, etc. downloading engine! edonkey is just the best!!! i have just finished downloading AMELIE!!! just how great is that?! i mean ive searched amelie everywhere...in supernva, in kazaa, blahblah but they dont have it...and now i do!!! happiness!!!
TRW is also cool...it has all the tv series i like: gilmore girls, dawson's creek, charmed, ally mcbeal, angel, CSI, felicity, friends, that 70's show, sex and the city...and all for free ^^. i am dying of happiness!!!
and claire made me search for o-town's liquid dreams because she's been wanting to have it but just couldnt find it...and i did! i found it!!! plus all the other vengaboys, that 5,6,7,8 song by step, and other karaoke songs that we cant find anywhere. happiness! ^^
thank you shengwen! *hugs*
plus plus im downloading Children of Heaven...that's very rare. ^^. its 56.54 % now. yey! i cant find In The Mood For Love and My Life In Pink (Ma Vie En Rose) though. :_(
i was actually able to download In The Mood before but it wasnt subtitled and i couldnt understand a thing so when my pc's memory was running low, i had to delete it. huhuhuhuhu. but Ma Vie En Rose, i cant find it anywhere...:( i think its a Belgian film...and no one seems to like it other than me. :( i miss Ludovic (the little girl trapped in a little boy's body).
"I'm a boy now but one day I'll be a girl" -Ludovic, Ma Vie en Rose
he's so adorable. he said it like saying "Im just a kid now...but one day i'll be a grown up"...as if turning into a girl is perfectly possible. aaaaw.
nyikes!?! i know all these songs!?! im officially living a certified buhay single...^^
nyikes!?! i know all these songs!?! im officially living a certified buhay single...^^
"You know what I learned about love, Raymond? Love isn't a virus that infects you; it's a choice. We choose to fall in love and we choose what love makes us do."
--Gabrielle Union, Deliver Us From Eva
katuwa si gabb! i swear. ^^. kinausndo nya yung myx para isurprise si karel...tos dinala nya sya sa fave place nya tos aaaah...nagslow dance sila pero sila lang nakakarinig nung song kase gamit nila mp3 ni gabb. waaaah. aliw. nagsulat pa siya ng poem para sa kanya tos binilhan pa nya sya ng stylus pen for her phone kase sira na yung ganun nya kaya she always use her finger to write. i mean....aaaaaw...nanotice nya yun? bait. ^^
hahahaha. saw Q-pids on cable this morning. aaaaaw...i am for Karel and Gabb. magtetext sana ko kaso i realized im in japan pala. huhuhuhu. uy vote natin sila...iyaking Karel at sweet na Gabb. ^^
my monthly visitor arrived yesterday. :-_-:. this is why i hate being female for 3 days every month. its so messy and gross. and it hurts. and it makes me lazy. last night i slept without turning off my pc and saying goodnight to tita. howcome women get it while men dont? unfair.
just what exactly do men suffer for? women get their monthly periods, comes with dysmenorrhea for some like me, they carry babies for 9 months, not to mention the painful process of giving birth, some get pre-menstrual syndromes, all will go through menopause....while men...? UNFAIR. and most men actually think theyre stronger? they cant even stand it when women get loud, and they call themselves strong?! *raising her eyebrow*
hmm..that reminds me..i want to post this forwarded mail.
One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said,"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish. "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,"but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."
And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
and again, what do men do? sorry...today's my Man-Hater day...i just think its unfair that they dont get monthly visitors the way we do. X(
i got an email from ***p*. twice. same message. what? making sure i get it? well i got it...what i dont get is why he's emailing again. why do some people think that they can be silent for ages and expect things not to change? he suddenly wants to be friends? that guy is soOo confused. maybe he just wants an omiyage from tokyo..^^ hehehe. okay, i can handle being friends.
but if i come home and he asks to meet...what will i do? when i come home this august, it will be one year and three months since we said bye. it will be weird. sigh. our story ended where it should have started. im glad it did end.
anyway, i also got an email from one of my japanese sisters (the eldest in my first host family). Gawdd (!)...ive been wanting to meet them again since i got here...i wonder how Sakiko has grown now. she cried when i left...and i wasnt even going home to the Philippines yet..i just moved to my other host family. sweeet girl. aaawww...those two weeks were one of the best i had in Tokyo.
another sweeeet girl...yoshie gave her last kitkat to me...twice. ^^ and she made me put down my backpack.
..at excelsior, shinjuku. 9:30 am. 06.14.05
i sometimes have to remind myself that im an Economics major because i get upset whenever i realize that my nihongo's not getting any better. :(
i didnt go to bekkan today. neither did i go yesterday. woke up late yesterday and figured i wont make it in class and now i realized that i need a lot of making up to do so im studying by myself. but before real studying i need to warm up so im getting my writing and coffee fix first.
staple in my bag
i remember also applying at the university of santo thomas for college. i passed my choices, accounting and journalism. what if i pursued journalism instead of economics? i think i have a writer soul in me. ^^ i write my thoughts anywhere: on tissue papers, leaves, on receipts, on candy wrappers, on that piece of paper Mcdo always have on top of their trays, etc. but now i always have a notepad and a pen in my bag. no more writing on random things. its dangerous though. if i lose this notepad and it ends up in the wrong hands...my life will be in jeopardy! then again, its not like i dont transfer most of what i write here on my online journ.
i need to fake it
why do i keep an online journ anyway? if this is my hole, would it not be more secret if i keep it in the privacy of my notepad? ive no idea how its started. its only me who knows at first and then i started sharing it to friends i trust. the problem with keeping an online journ is when i write, the thoughts just flow from my pen and i have trouble separating public from private thoughts. i mean i write as if no one else can read me. sure i still keep some thoughts to myself but most of what comes to mind, i write. i have to start giving people fake names and i have to have a pseudonym or ill be in trouble.
the perks of it all
but if theres two nice things out of this online diary thing its that 1. it has broken communication walls that can potentially distance me from my close friends: those i dont see at the moment and those i am with now; 2. it lowers the probability of me dying from a heart attack because i have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and friends who assures me from time to time that what im feeling is normal and that they understand. ^^
distressed damsel in excelsior
i thought this is one of the best places to study, but this man beside me is starting to scare me. he talks to himself out loud and now he's staring at my book. i swear ill scream my heart out if he starts talking to me. okay im being paranoid.
anyway...if i were a Journalism major in UST, id probably be a graduate by now. id be a thomasian nd not a upian. id be wearing a conservative uniform in college. but i love being a upian. i love having a huge campus thats open to practically everyone.
now that i think about it, i have a really cool campus. it has a hostel, a village for up faculties, a mini hospital, a sunken garden for flying kites, a park with a lagoon and a dangerous swing (^^), theaters, a film center with the coolest free films shown from time to time, buko juisan and fishballan everywhere, the best isawan, two churches, ippai cheap carinderias and nice restaurants too (Choco Kiss and Tree House), book shops with fresh ideas from fresh writers, a shopping center (that is technically 2/5 photocopying and binding shops, 2/5 computer shops, 1/5 goodie shops), free parking lots, and it has trees everywhere. plus we can go to school in heels or in flip flops or in hideous sleepers, or in tube, tank tops...GR even goes to class in his pambahay shirt and short as if he just woke up and realized he has class, grabbed a notebook and drove to UP...and no one minds.
i never really given it a thought because even when i wasnt studying in UP yet, i always lived there. its just a few minutes from home and as my campus is open to everyone, my family went to my university's church eversince i was a kid. Papa is a lay minister in that church. and that church has practically seen me grow up (not physically though coz i stopped growing when i turned 13 :/).
yeah...i wont trade being a upian for anything. besides if i were a Journalism major now, i wouldnt be here...and not meet all these great people...
and not to mention, every december of every year...you get to see naked college fraternity men running naked around Palma Hall. they dont do it because theyre perverted...the Oblation Run actually has more to it than meets the eye.
i dont know if i can consider myself lucky or unlucky...because in all the years ive been in UP, i havent ever witnessed an actual Oblation Run. in first year, i had a research paper to cram. in second year, we were having an exam at the exact time. and in third year, we were dismissed late in class and when we got there, its all done. i wonder what will happen this year...hmmm.
aaaaaaah...i miss UP. now im flooded with UP memories. i have to write these down coz ill surely forget about it soon. Hehehehehehe. i am not ugly after all..i just have a stubborn heart. or maybe im ugly but likable. ^^
in first year college at UP Cebu campus, there were two boys living in the same dormitory who used to like me. both got my number from ate yohwee. but i only replied to one of them. but he kind of intimidated me so we didnt even became friends. ate yohwee said he went to an international school in high school and when he texts, it was always in straight english...it was just a bit intimidating back then. and the other guy...hmm...i wasnt really attracted to him. he had this song for me...aiza's pagdating ng panahon. he sure made me not a fan of that song. then i transferred campus and never saw them again.
and just last year, one of my organizations had a balloon booth at my univ's fair. being the nice member that i was, i was one of the mainstay at the booth helping make balloons and using my advertising skill ^^ at its full potential to sell our beloved balloons. one night (feb 14?), i couldnt make it to the fair because i was helping sell roses for yfc in bliss, but this guy who liked me waited for me at the booth and ended up helping my co-members. i dont know if they forced him to buy, but the following morning, my friend gave me three balloons he made himself. i dont remember if it came with a rose but it probably did. it should have melted my heart because it was very sweet...-_- but it didnt.
i can actually go to the fair, i just didnt try because i had a premonition he'd be there. why do i have to have a stubborn heart? why cant i like them? maybe i should start giving even those i dont like a chance.
but come to think about it, a simple smile from the one you like can mean more to you than a supposedly ultra sweet act from someone you have no feelings for. Life is a paradox.
the creepy guy is sleeping already. please sleep longer. i feel bad. hes not doing anything alarming to me but i wish him to leave. why can apperances be deceiving? some may look scary at first sight but theyre not really bad while some well-groomed people may appear unsuspicious and yet they can be utterly awful.
and why does Kanji have to be this hard? :( i want to read Ima Ai but it has loads of Kanji with no hiragana reading. SooO unfair.
by the way i have a very pathetically humiliating background display pic on my p.c...but its amusing me and i like it ^^. sya and background ko!! may dalawang maliliit syang litrato na pinagdikit ko at tiniled-->56 all in all ^^...lahat nakatitig sakin! pag-magrereact about this tagalog please...or ill die of shame. ^^
ill probably be here on thursday too. coz fairey's on a trip and class is unbearable without her.
a long time ago my sister showed me this article in Candy Mag (July 2003 issue, Katie's Diary) because she felt like i can totally relate...she even said that when she read it, she felt like she was reading me...and being the crybaby that i am...you know what happened when i read it. while reading, it felt like i was reading my exact thoughts except i have a different AJ...AJs.
i was searching for that article on candy's website but i couldnt find it so i thought ill just write it here...here it goes...
its surprising how this one little thing that happened in school today could bring out so many mixed emotions in me. i guess you could say i might be in trouble. and it starts and ends with AJ.
i remember waking up in an awfully good mood this morning, which was so unlike me because im not a morning person. i sang "baby, one more time" in the shower, remembering that yesterday, AJ patted me on the back after my Christian Living report and said, "good job!" i was humming as i got dressed, choosing to slather on my delicious smelling lotion (saved for special occasions) instead of my regular bland formula for extra dry skin. i was thisclose to blow-drying my hair, then reconsidered. that's probably too much trouble for someone who's not my boyfriend--yet!
so i was pretty confident i was looking my best today. i even put my hair down instead of up in my usual ponytail. he came late--so i had to scrap the morning chit chat scenario playing in my head that started with him saying, "i really cant get over how well you discussed the third sacrament yesterday." and then it happened. not 10 minutes into class, i saw him passing notes with Lianne, and the exchange continued four or five times more. i dont know who started it (does it even matter?), but i can tell you this much--i felt a strange pang, which i cant quite put a finger on. i think it might've actually hurt.
of course i know he's not my boyfriend. and were not together. and he might not even like me. and he can do whatever he wants. but thats not the point. the point is, when youre in like, you set yourself up for things like this only to get stumped when things dont play out the way you imagined it would. you decide to write about him in your diary, a very clear indication that hes not someone you see yourself getting tired of easily, only to write three or four pages later about how youve embarrassed yourself today. when youre "in like," its as if youre on a roller coaster--some days up, some days youre down, some days youre in a loop with nowhere to go.
and thats not even scratching the surface. on very unfortnate days when you find yourself strangely jealous of whoever it is he's decided to talk to instead of you, your ego takes a self-beating. you pit yourself against She-Who-Was-Lucky and though youre the judge, you almost always come out the loser. never mind that youre up against Lianne, Queen of Mean, who gets her kicks out of talking down to people. you figure inner beauty must not really amount to much. all that matters really is that she's taller than you are, her body's better developed, her skin's creamier, her hair's shinier, and her eyes are prettier. what does it matter that youre more intelligent? how smart do you need to be to converse through note-passing anyway?
what's worse is its nobody's fault but yours. you didnt have to wake up that morning and tell yourself this was going to be the day he'd profess his undying affection, or at least clue you in on the fact that he likes you. no one told you to get your hopes up. there were no signs that today would be the day. but no, you had to cook up that crazy idea in your head and pass it off as possible. that's really sad. what's sadder is youve written six paragraphs about something that might not have happened the way your thinking it did. for all you know, Lianne was just asking AJ about how five words ought to be spelled.
but then again, what this is really about, is not so much the fact that they were passing notes today, but the fact that when youre in like, youre not 100 percent in control of things anymore. there's this wild card youre depending on to be the icing on your cake everyday. when you crush on someone, you invite uncertainty into your life. sometimes its fun but often its scary. when youre in like, you put yourself in a position where you can find yourslef helpless. the only thing you can do is decide whether this boy is worth the ride or not. or else, realize that youre probably just bent out of shape because its that time of the month.
i stopped liking pooh since college but for some unexplainable reason, all these pooh seem to find their way to me. the second to the last pooh, i found hanging on my door one night...present from okashi ^^. the pooh pretending to be a pink monkey and that pretending to be santa claus, i got them free. and the first pooh...well ^^.
i was brave today. i went to katosan's home despite knowing he'll be there too.
it turned out fun though. i made my first onigiri, i was taught how to make an origami, i taught otousan and yuuchan how to play tong-its, we played bingo and volleyball...i surpised myself though...i remember being too bad at volleyball in highschool..i couldnt even get the ball on the other side of the net because my arms were too skinny...hmmm..but today was really fun.
i got presents too^^. katosan gave me a book by Joanna Trollope. i havent read her yet but the review at the back says, "at times funny, at others achingly sad, this book will cheer you and charm you." sounds like me. ^^ this should be interesting. and yuuchan gave me the book version of one of my most fave movies, Ima Ai Ni Yukimasu. i couldnt be any happier! but erRr...so some people actually read our end of term essays? hazukashii. :(
*sigh* i wish i were more me around someone i like. i am sometimes annoying myself because im still painfully shy around~~and i totally cant help being silent. *sigh* dou shiyou?
just a thought...why do japanese seem to think that the perfect guy should have a high income, high education, and tall? to be educated well is a plus but being tall with high income? does that even matter? youre not gonna like or marry someone because he is rich and tall. you dont even plan who you'd like. the feeling just comes without warning. i dont know...but somehow you just pick out someone from the crowd..and sometimes you dont even know why it has to be him.
as i remember it, when you ask a filipina what kind of guy she wishes to be with you'ld hardly hear her say he has to have a high income...education doesnt even come first but i guess thats an unwritten rule, he has to atleast be educated. usually its the inside thats important. someone really nice to her could easily melt her heart. he has to be mabait, and respects her. and even better if he's sweet. and he has to look good...but that is subjective. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
i do fall for ordinary looking guys...guys who arent handsome in magazine or hollywood standard...only because they have a really nice sense of humor, or theyre intelligent...but i think the problem with me is that i often end up liking guys who looks more than just ordinary and who others seem to like too. when will i ever learn? i have to start learning to fall for someone possible. ordinary people like me should only fall for ordinary people as well.
*sigh* im still like a high school kid. i still cant look straight at him. *sigh* how will i ever get over myself?
note: i...u uhm...i have a shallow non-negotiable though. my someone has to be taller than me. Gawwd..im short already..if he's even shorter than me, im sure its either he's aged 1~13 or he's a midget. kowai. :(
i had mcdonald's for lunch and late dinner today. i had two mchicken burgers, one apple pie, and two packs of fish mcdipper...waaaaaaah! its my aunt's fault. and she made turon...it was in small sizes because they only have small lumpia wrappers in japan but i probably had twenty sticks--huhuhuhuhuhu! i do this with sis at home...really pig out. but the difference now is that i have an extra tummy problem now so i really shouldnt be eating too much. huhuhuhuhuhu. when im with my aunt all we do is eat, watch tv, and talk... perfect way to get fat. i also caught a cold today. :) i actually feel happy getting it. i miss sneezing. hehehehe. i wish im still sick until tomorrow so ill have areason not to go. okay okay bad idea.
i had mcdonald's for lunch and late dinner today. i had two mchicken burgers, one apple pie, and two packs of fish mcdipper...waaaaaaah! its my aunt's fault. and she made turon...it was in small sizes because they only have small lumpia wrappers in japan but i probably had twenty sticks--huhuhuhuhuhu! i do this with sis at home...really pig out. but the difference now is that i have an extra tummy problem now so i really shouldnt be eating too much. huhuhuhuhuhu. when im with my aunt all we do is eat, watch tv, and talk... perfect way to get fat.
i also caught a cold today. :) i actually feel happy getting it. i miss sneezing. hehehehe. i wish im still sick until tomorrow so ill have areason not to go. okay okay bad idea.
two guy friends at home just told me the "i guess" and the "minor" made all the difference. they were like, so how's m.c.? and i dont have anything to say. and they were telling me what if he likes me too but just couldnt tell me because i only said "i GUESS i like you," and that he's just a "minor crush."
i couldnt tell him he's minor-turned-major like!?!...i couldnt tell him i really like him coz that's giving too much of my thoughts and feelings!?!...thats risking too much!?!...thats like willingly putting my heart in danger!?! but isnt it obvious? heck...would i be doing that video if he wasnt major? would i be doing it for him if its just "i-guess-i-like-you"? i dont do that to just anyone!?! i gave up one of the things i love doing for that video: sleeping!?! i stayed up all night doing it...
i just dont get it. i dont get how boys think. why would my guy friends even think theres a possibility of him liking me?
i think he doesnt. doesnt like me.
...and believe in..NO MATTER HOW I FEEL..or no matter how my mind tells me it couldnt be true...
i had to watch it again. i havent seen it for ages and when miryll said shes seen it last night...i just had to see it again.
i cried like the whole second half of the film. i forgot why i liked this movie and now i remember. :-_-: it brought me back my faith.
if there's one thing the film taught me...its about Faith. faith in Life...faith in Love...faith in the one we love...faith in ourselves...faith in God..
im hoping for a miracle like Landon to Jamie. and it will break my heart a little because my life will not exactly be like that of Jamie Sullivan. I will not be loved the way Landon loved Jamie...but that's what faith is about: i have to believe in something or i'll walk this earth...with no reason, no hope, no dreams...and a life like that is terrible. :-_-
im invited to this thing on Sunday. i wanted to meet katosan's daughter but the thing is...aaargh. :(
i just know i would. no not heart attack from a heart break caused by a boy...although on second thought, that attacks the heart too.
ive always been healthy...except for slight fevers or tonsilitis, ive never been too sick. my family would insist that i am not kathleen when i dont have a runny nose...they tell me i always have a cold that its abnormal if they see me with no tissue at hand. i think thats an exaggeration, i do remember a lot of times when im not sneezing. it must be the pollution, i dont know. but beyond that, i think im very healthy. the only time i remember going to the hospital because i was either helpless or im not consciously aware of whats going was when i got drunk a week ago (?) and when i was around 1~2 years old and i got this candy coated peanuts stuck on my nose...its a long story...but they took me to the emergency room and it took the doctors hours to take it out of my nose...
but im so sure ill die of heart attack. like this afternoon at Excelsior with claire. i got a weird pain in my chest. ive been getting it a few times lately. like my heart would ache for a few seconds..and i had to stop and feel my chest, then after a short while ill be okay again. and no its not like that heart-skipping beat you get when your crush is around..its ache ache.
its scary. i wouldnt have minded it if i havent seen How To Deal but i did and in it, halley's friend's boyfriend died of heart attack while playing soccer (?! or was it football?). and that happens in real life...of young people -_-:
and it wasnt heart burn because im positive ive digested my food quite well. oh my...what if..?
claire touched my chest to feel it, and she said it was beating a bit fast when it should beat normally because we were resting. im not really surprised, because i used to jog with a friend and she'd tell me to learn to breathe well because whenever we jog, she could hear my breathing and she thinks its not normal..
maybe im just a little too worried.
and since im talking about hearts. i just notice i feel a lot. i mean i often feel emotions in their extremes. when im sad, i get all too sad. when im happy, i get all too happy. but i never got all too angry...yet. or too pissed off.
like this afternoon, when i found out wenwen might leave on the 28th of July i got all too sad i cried in the train on the way home. and i cried ippai when i called her up. i wish i were normal. but then again, maybe being abnormal is normal....
hmm...maybe before a heart attack could kill me, i'd die of Kanji torture first. i am starting to hate Kanji. :-_- theyre all too difficult to remember. -_-:
~~for flip flops and pointed shoes? i inherited the flair for pointed shoes from my sis and the flip flops...well who wouldnt love a pair of comfy slippers?
but i wouldnt call it an obssession. i guess i just happen to be a magnet for anything nice on sale. i dont know but i have this talent for almost always finding cheap but really nice stuff. and sometimes i wish i dont have that talent. :(
a friend asked why i have many pics of me and my feet. hmmm...coz id rather take a pic of my feet than my face?! coz whenever i gain weight, my feet is the last one that gets fat so...so basically its the only part of my body thats always thin...i can take a picture of it anytime without reminding me i have an extra tummy and extra cheeks to get rid of ^^...i dont really know. and then i was looking at the pics i got from home and saw this pic of ate and mama...
hehe. i guess its not just me after all. this whole feet-picture-taking thing runs in the genes too?!
a friend asked why i have many pics of me and my feet. hmmm...coz id rather take a pic of my feet than my face?! coz whenever i gain weight, my feet is the last one that gets fat so...so basically its the only part of my body thats always thin...i can take a picture of it anytime without reminding me i have an extra tummy and extra cheeks to get rid of ^^...i dont really know.
and then i was looking at the pics i got from home and saw this pic of ate and mama...
^^ from left to right: me and Mi eating starwberries; chocolate cookies; Mi reading Fruits Basket and me reading The Da Vinci Code (all at Tachikawa kooen); Mi and me eating banana chips at yoyogi kooen; and us again eating popcorn at Ukimafunado. ^^
not many people do things in the sky...at least i could say i often do things in the sky with a friend. ^^ hehehe.
im still listening to that liz phair song until now by the way. im probably hearing it for the 90th time now since 3 pm this afternoon. coz its 8 pm now and i started at 3, thats five hours...and the song is about 3 minutes and 27 seconds long...in an hour i should have played it 18 times already.
a girl who eats strawberry in the sky, climbs trees, listens to the same song over and over for five hours, puts lipgloss at night before sleeping, went to 7/11 with only her pajamas (but with a decent top and it was super late at night and kelly assured me no one will see me, and besides the 7/11 was just a few minutes walk from cherry court ^^), sings while sleeping (mama said that when i was a kid i woke up at night and sang a song with matching hand actions and then slept again after i finished, and in high school i often get bored singing the same song over and over at choir practice so i cant help but sleep during practice and our conductress tells me that im the only one she knows who still sings while sleeping, and i aways wake up when i get out of tune ^^), ~~i wonder if somewhere in the world, there's someone sillier/crazier than me.
i just realized something about me today. when im upset. i pretend im not upset in front of people who would care so they wont care...so they wont ask and so i dont have to explain. but id lock myself in my room, lie at my bed, and stare at the ceiling for hours...only now i didnt just stare at the ceiling, i listened to the same song (why can't i. liz phair) over and over (no less than 60 times?). i made a playlist with just that song repeated over and over. aaargh. im upset.
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
|How to make a Falling Star|
1/2 cup of naivety
3/4 cup of laughter
1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!*
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...