for almost 11 months that we were living in the same country, i finally decided to ask for his cellphone number from okaachan. but just how stupid that was...i was 10 months too late, his plane left already.
i hope no one will ask me why i could like someone this way...because i would not have known what to say. i too couldnt understand why.
Last night, I waved goodbye
Now--it seems years
I'm back in the city
Where nothing is clear
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when Will I hold you again....
We started a story
Whose end must now wait
And, tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when Will I hold you again...
-Barry Manilow, Weekend in New England
How could i be soo baka? How could i possibly like someone this much when he doesnt even care a thing about me? Even if he didnt meet me this year, for him its not a lost at all. I mean he has ippai girls around him...it would NOT have made any difference if i appeared in his life or not...im just one of "them" and meeting me didnt really matter. But for me, this year would not have been half as memorable as it have been if there wasnt him. i must be crazy. maybe this is just a phase, and if i mature at the fullest, id learn when its time to let go of feelings that shouldnt even be inside.
words & music by john lennon & paul mcCartney
I think I'm gonna be sad
I think it's today Yeah
The boy that's driving me mad is going away.
He's got a ticket to ride
He's got a ticket to ride
He's got a ticket to ride
and he don't care.
He said that living with me was bringing him down Yeah
He would never be free when I was around.
He's got a ticket to ride
He's got a ticket to ride
He's got a ticket to ride
and he don't care.
Don't know why he's riding so high
He oughta do right
He oughta do right by me
Before he gets to saying goodbye
He oughta do right
He oughta do right by me
I think I'm gonna be sad I think it's today Yeah
The boy that's driving me mad is going away.
He's got a ticket to ride
He's got a ticket to ride
He's got a ticket to ride
and he don't care, don't care.
私はホンさんをhugしたいけど、彼は私のことが好きじゃないから。。。彼は私をhugしたら、ちょう恥ずかしくなちゃった！i just realized i left almost in the blink of an eye running. 超バカ！大バカ！バカto the nth power. バカすぎました (if there's even such a term). im soOo baka i should vanish from the face of the earth.
i was serious when i said i will never be sad on the 29th only because itll be the last time ill ever see him. but why did i have to be this way today? before we hugged i couldnt even understand what he was saying...except i said さようなら、and i was just replying うん to whatever he was saying...or did i say うん? and then after sort of hugging i just left too fast that i even lost my densha kippu. *sigh* i will never sign online on msn forever. why am i like this? I Dont Like Him Anymore. No Need To Be Like This. aaargh. but Why?
yuri was telling me to hug him because its the last time but im like, "no yuri i cant and i wont." besides he only hugs his ippai girl friends, and im not really a friend so i shouldnt. so when he talked to me, i panicked. and i was looking at okaasan and yuri to save me...i dont know maybe butt in..but they just stared.
but i didnt really left running because i was embarassed.
i left as fast as i could because i was scared i'd cry right in front of him. and thats just too embarassing. then i realized it must have also been embarassing leaving like that.
i was making little crazy sounds on the way home...huuuuuuuuuuuu.
さっき私はjealousした。彼はいっぱいきれいな女の子をhugしたから。but its not like i have the right to be jealous. 彼女じゃない。im not even his いちばんいい友達。
im rambling again.
for all i know, baka kaya nya pala hinug sila nung una para may reason din sya na ihug ako diba?...kase lahat naman sila lumapit sa kanya, e ako...sya lapit sakin. but thats too far off, isnt that?
today was both happy and sad. pei and wenwen went home to china already... -_-:
but we had soOo much fun during lunch. we had a mini picnic in wenwen's room, verena and i had a mini fashion show of wenwen's gomi....*smiles* [it would sound a bit weird mentioning what it is, so id rather not]..and i also had a mini concert [if you leave me now by chicago, and leaving on a jetplane by chantal kreviazuk].
but it was really sad too. 成田空港へ行った...８時まで...BUT NO さようならs ever...just またね.
i think ive become too cynical. about love.
and it scares me. because im too young to be cynical.
love story movies used to make me... "aaaaw"...and although they make me sad sometimes, its only because i believed love happens, just not to me.
but now...i can only muster a "ah okay...whatever."
i never believed i have loved anyone before. i always claim its just deep like, or love but not quite. because i thought, if one has never been in a relationship...one can never know what love means. but maybe marie was right, you have better chances of knowing and feeling love when you're not in a relationship. because youre not expecting anything in return. and its harder to love that way because youre holding on a very thin thread...and no one's holding it with you. its harder because it takes more effort. its harder because when it makes you cry, you only have yourself to wipe your tears. its harder because when it pains you, its only you who can feel the pain. its just..harder.
emily said that if youre not willing to do stupid things, then you dont deserve to love. i deserved to love then. but i deserved to be loved back too.
maybe i did. maybe i did love. even with no strings attached.
sabi nga ni tita akala daw nya love ko na siya kase ang dami ko daw tears na iniyak para sa kanya. siguro she saw how much it pained me. i saw it too. and it just makes me cry even more. but its not just him you know. ralph made me cry loads too. ucc did too. maybe i even loved them more than some girls did... because i cried in silence, by myself, without demanding anything from them.
but look how stupidty and love has done to me. i dont believe in fairy tales anymore. love stories cant entertain me anymore. i lost it. i wish my faith back. i dont want to live my life being cynical in something that breathes life in other people. but how do you mend a heart? how do you teach a heart to believe again?
ucc once said that he can never make me believe anything he says. if he only knew, then he'd understand why i cant believe him.
Sweet Home Alabama = shallow. dull. very predictable. unimaginative. mind-numbing. and youve probably seen it a hundred times only with different actors and actresses, a different setting, and a totally different title. i think its too cinema-ish. too UN-real-life. and yes, you can nap through large sections and not get lost. they could actually squeeze the movie into a 30 minute or less film and still have made the same point.
A Lot Like Love = okay film. To quote Sean O'Connell's review (flipside movie Emporium), "The audience waits an eternity for two beautiful but baffled meant-to-be wanderers to realize they belong together, which we figured out before we stepped foot in the theater." but i like the soundtrack ^^
i dont know whats wrong with me. i dont know if im being too cynical about love that even movies like these that are meant to be MOVIES (read: unreal) cant entertain me. but i bet no one else will be entertained by sweet home alabama except diehard Reese fans.
i only have four subjects left to graduate. one is my thesis class. and i definitely have to take another subject in econ. then id really want to take even just one japanese class. i also want to take a class in photography so i could have hours of thesis-mode OFF. itll help me relax and save my sanity. that completes my four subject requirement. but then again i need subjects with professors with very good credentials for reference when i apply for a job...which will then lead me back another class in econ or business administration. and although i like it, i think its a heavy load if i take it with my thesis...which by the way, i am doing by myself when its supposed to be a partner thing. well i dont really have a choice do i? thats one of the price i have to pay for being here in japan. waaah. why am i even thinking about this, i am not even in the philippines yet. 頑張る。：）
im confused though. if i have the subjects ive taken here credited in my university. id have more credits than i need to graduate. but i still have to make a thesis. maybe i wont take another japanese class and study by myself at home. so instead of jap ill just take either an econ or BA class. but i also want to take a class in sociology and polsci...waaaaah. four years of college is not enough.
i dont know how to survive school without my barkada. :( then again, i wouldnt really be around school that much because im doing a thesis. i could appear in econ only twice a week. and in palma hall twice a week too...or i could get a three hour class so i only have to be there once. then we could meet once every weekend to catch up on things...waaaaaah! i cant believe theyre working already! dewberry and aishabebe are working together...just how fun is that?! its interesting though, ill be wearing a suit soon too.
"i visit it sometimes" ...actually every single day...and not just once a day. but twenty times.
"take care" ...so mundane. but like what marie said, its not like you could say, please take care because i care for you but i cant because youre too far away...
"Maybe we will meet someday in future" [reply]: "nyt" ...when i could have said, "yes, maybe..i hope so too"
well "nyt" is better than not saying goodnight at all. i mean "Good night? why? you are going to delete me?"...no mention of goodnight in any other sentences. funny though, why would he even think that? that didnt even crossed my mind. ^^ funny mind.
what do i mean to you? can i really believe your words? i want to believe them, but i cant be that naive, can i?
i dont know why i said such a thing...
even i was surprised.
but at that very hour, i really felt you were part of that top three.
i am bound to break again. stupid me.
i shouldnt even be thinking about you, i should be mourning about mc. nakakaguilty.
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papa and i have a dream. well he wanted to build a retreat house with a church inside. and i wanted to build an orphanage...or any organization that does social work. 頑張る！
今日強くて長い地震があった。超怖かった。泣いた。：（ 死ぬと思った。well i was on the fifth floor of some building buying pasalubong. it was just too scary because the building wont stop moving even if i kept asking God to stop the earthquake. i was hugging tita while crying. buti na lang she was there. i really thought id die.
i realized how theres so much knowledge in the world i know nothing of. and although i know i wont be able to learn them all in my lifetime, i just thought maybe i should try learn something new each day. im thinking of learning one sign language, one japanese word and kanji, and one trivia each day. i dont know what has gotten over me. i want to learn a lot. if i had been possessed by this knowledge-thirsty kathleen since i started school more than ten years ago, biology, history, etc. would have been more interesting.
i loved being in school. because it means i am much better off than many kids who couldnt even get an education even if they wanted to. but i loved school for what it is. i mean im not the kid who just liked school because of the perks that goes with it. by perks i meant "lovelife" you meet at school, or movies after class with your friends....its just my tita and i sometimes talk about highschool, and she was like "ah we go to discos after class" (disco: so ages ago but that was a fad during her time ^^), and theyve tried different things...smoking, drinking...highschool was the best. i loved high school too...but i never had too many memories of experimenting with friends...like smoking, or nightlife, and i rarely if ever go out with friends drinking. just once. angel's birthday. but sis was there. i got rashes for a week. (alcohol is really bad for me. on the rare times that i go out drinking, it almost always turns out bad.) i felt like i missed some things. i never even had a highschool love. i was infatuated with Ral and ive liked some boys but i will never ever know how its liked to be in-love in highschool.
dont get me wrong. i wasnt anti-social. nor was i a geek or a freak. i dont agree but my bestfriend even told me once that she was insecure with me because everybody wants to be my friend. and my Ate was like the big sister of everyone in my class. i loved school and i had many great memories about it but i always took school seriously that i am somehow jealous of those who lived it the happy-go-lucky way.
i was always part of the top students in class. i graduated second honorable mention in elementary and salutatorian in high school. i get perfect scores in some of my tests and i get a little sad when i get ten mistakes out of a hundred and fifty questions. the top studenst get merit cards each grading period of every year (thats 4 times a year). mama would buy me any giftgate/hello kitty bag i like if i was part of the top students, so i always tried to be in it. during my later years in highschool, hello kitty bags became expensive and my being a top student became normal so she stopped the gift-giving ritual. i only get one instead of four each year.
i got the first place in our oration competition, and i was a finalist in our impromtu speech although we never had the final competition (wonder why). i was nominated to be miss alma mater but i was too painfully shy when they interviewed me, that i didnt get it. plus it was just not me to be part of a "beauty and brain" contest-like stuff...i felt it was ridiculous. my teacher made me one of the editors-in-chief of our school paper even if i wasnt really interested in it. i always do my homeworks and my projects. a lot of times i do them during breaks just a few minutes before i have to pass it, but i always finish it on time. i loved Math. i really did. because i thought it wasnt complicated. i mean, if you knew the right equation youll always get the precise answer. and i thought one need not be intelligent to pass a mathemathics class. you only have to have a great memory. you dont have to have opinions because Math doesnt need it. i never missed a class even when im sick because absence was just not an option for me. i even get scared being late. okay im making myself sound like an alien already.
i had too many friends. most of them would even say that at first look i dont seem like a very loud girl but i am. i talk a lot. laugh a lot. especially when im with my class, because some of them ive been classmates with since elementary. i love my afternoon 7/11-slash-misterdonut-slash-hallmarkcards or mcdo rituals with eun, and friends. i love our little experiments in integrators club, like the one where we have to wrap an egg and make a parachute for it with limited materials (a few straws, strings, etc.) and then drop it from the third floor to the ground and make sure it doesnt break. and i love the song interpretations (through slow dancing) the most...i love wearing the costumes and our seemingly endless practices. and i loved it because ate was part of it. i love our foundation days and the field demonstrations. i miss the chirstmas parties and exchange gifts. i miss the short plays. i miss going to a theater play at least once a year. i miss the field trips. i miss buying tofiluk at the bookstore.
i really enjoyed and loved school but somehow being part of the top students...i had been too concerned about my grades that i studied history, biology, etc. not for the sake of knowledge but for the sake of being an honor student. not math though...i felt like i studied it with all my heart. and i was a bit jealous that i didnt join my friends in their little "escapades"...drinking, or that bulacan trip after JS Prom, or billiards. i was always the good and gentle girl that they were even shocked to hear me say "shit" now.
funny. i didnt know how i got to this topic when all i really wanted to say was im gonna start living my life without worrying myself with petty details and just enjoy every second of it. id have enjoyed my classes more if i learned it with a heart that wanted to learn a little more about the universe rather than with a mind set to get an A or an Uno (1) or a 100% in her grade card. but im glad i learned this at 21, not too late to make a brand new start.
and yeah..am too happy because my friend princess sleepy aveline is gonna send me a little present all the way from singapore. a flower accessory ive been wanting for ages. i just think its amazing how a friend i barely know (i mean i read her blog and she reads mine, and we go through the same things sometimes..but its still not enough), could finding something there to like in me to go through the trouble of sending me a parcel. its really making me happy. and grateful. and lucky.
the box i ordered arrived. while i was packing the stuff id send home, i couldnt help it. i felt something pricking my heart. i am not ready to say goodbye yet. i will never be ready. if i could hug them all with my two arms and never let go...then again, i cant do that. they also have a home to go back to. they also have places to go that i cant go. we cant be together all the time because they have their own dreams to fulfill. they have their own lives to live and although i [am] a part of that life, i am not the only part...so i cant keep them even if i want to be with them longer.
[if you want to pack your things...never ever make the msitake of playing The Classic soundtrack on the background. thats if you dont want to cry...coz it surely will ]
sweet ng family ko at ni patty. okay lang daw na wala pasalubong, enough na that they see me. :) haaay. sana hindi allergic ang ilong ko sa summer heat para hindi ako ganito. :(
i now know how to tie a butterfly obi. its the sash you wrap around your waste over your yukata (japanese summer kimono). after the fireworks night i didnt want to take off my yukata because then i wouldnt know how to wear it again...but i had to sleep lying in bed so i took it off. but i tried tying the obi all over again on my yukata box...and tadaa!!!
this one's more difficult to wear than my first yukata because its obi was pre-tied. it was a read yukata, with red slippers, red bag, and a yellow obi...and is now sleeping in my closet at home because i never had the chance to wear it since i got it. my yukata now is purple or maroonish with pink flowers, a pink obi, a purple-maroonish/yellow slippers, and a purple-maroonish bag. i wasnt expecting to receive any gift from them at all. and yukata at that. it was just TOO NICE OF THEM. and i was really touched, not so much because they gave me a present but because they cried i was leaving.
and ill post their messages some day. yung iba kakakilig (dont ask why. ^^). while some scary but cute.
when im not sleeping, i think a lot. like when i commute at home (manila. qc actually) and take the jeepney, and see a really tired looking man from across my seat...i would imagine him having a really hard life: work from sun up to sun down, kids giving him a headache, etc. then it would make me sad. sometimes almost in tears. and then it would make me feel guilty that i allowed a test or a school project to bother me when there are more serious problems faced by other people in the world.
siguro that's why may uban nako kase i worry a lot.
and when i see kids younger than 5 or so, id tell myself that i also want to have kids in the future. i really like kids. really really. i know its tooo toOoo early to think about it but the thought just comes to mind, and when it does you cant just brush it off.
i wont mind being a single mom. i am sometimes emotionally unstable... hehe ^^...but i can definitely raise a kid by myself. but sometimes it scares me...not the thought of carrying a baby for 9 months and giving birth because it may look difficult but any mom can handle it. what scares me is that...what if God wont allow me to have kids? you know when you like something soOo much, and then i dont know..maybe God gets jealous with the thought so He doesnt grant you want you like? what if that's the case with me? oh well..move on to other thoughts.
im just grateful im right here. after st. margaret's i really wished to be back here as an exchange student again. and i prayed a lot and now im here. it was a little late an answer...i mean, im in my last year in college...but no matter how late, God still answered.
and uh...i bought all flavors of morinaga, bourbon, fran, and pocky i could see in the super market today. ate will be soO sOo happy. it might not reach home though..i might eat evrything before i even get to the airport. nyikes.
i just figured this out today.
me: でも私はまだいるよ。。。日本に :,( 。。。会える。
i will stop being paranoid from now on. :) 「みんなkathleenが大好きだよ！」。。。うれしいいい！
when im at home, im spending as much time as i can with pooh because i was planning to leave pooh in the locker at jr shinjuku station with the note saying "ki wo tsukete" on the 29th of july...and then give the key to him. that way, if he doesnt want to be be troubled carrying a stuff toy, he need not get it..he can just throw the key away. itll probably be the last time ill see him.
no it has nothing to do with liking him because im 96.5% over him now. so basically im way passed the liking stage. and i dont have plans going back there anymore.
its just...i liked him once after all. it would be the last thing i could do for someone who i liked enough to bother making a video for.
then again i realized pooh would be kawai sou. i mean, if he'd throw the key...pooh will end up locked in a locker until they clean the lockers and throw him in the gomi. on the other hand, if he did go through the trouble of finding the locker and claiming pooh, i doubt if he could take care of pooh. poor stuff toy. i am the only one who can take better care of him...so id rather not give him away. someday ill meet someone who will care a lot about me and the things/people that i care about...ill just wait for that day. only then can pooh leave my side, because then ill know he'd be in good hands.
"I had thought that only others had the courage to love. But now I discovered that I too was capable of loving. Even if loving meant leaving, or solitude, or sorrow, love was worth every penny of its price." --by the river piedra i sat down and wept, paolo coelho
"I had thought that only others had the courage to love. But now I discovered that I too was capable of loving. Even if loving meant leaving, or solitude, or sorrow, love was worth every penny of its price."
--by the river piedra i sat down and wept, paolo coelho
akala ko pupunta sya sa fireworks kahapon. kahit na hindi ko siya katabi habang pinapanood yun, kahit malayo sya...basta yung thought na andun din sya, somewhere, watching it. kaso wala sya. feeling ko nababasa niya lahat ng sinusulat ko dito. masaya kaya sya na hindi ko na siya binabanggit? na nagmomove on nako? o nagwiwish kaya sya na minemessage ko sya kahit minsan sa msn like i used to? o nagwiwish kaya siya na banggitin ko ulit sya sa mga post ko like i used to all the time dati? o wala kaya syang paki-alam?
ang unbrave ko, kapag may kailangan akong isulat about sa kanya, i always write in tagalog para hindi nya malaman. kase hindi sya deserving sa thoughts ko. hindi sya deserving to get even just a second of my spare time. ayoko na. tama na.
im in super-slash- i-feel-like-dancing-any-moment-now attitude when i woke up. maybe because i saw fireworks last night and we stargazed afterwards. i love anything that paints color in the dark night sky.
they went home earlier than i did because i still wanted to walk on the area near the sea, and although i walked alone in the sea of couples, i didnt feel jealous at all. nothing could get me down last night. i thought tito would fetch me with his motor bike because there was no more bus when i reached the station, i insisted its really okay to ride a motor bike even though im wearing a yukata but they made me take the taxi. :( me in a yukata riding a motorbike would have been double super. ^^
and my semi. aaaaw.
^^ its just i was paranoid and i felt like my semi dont like me because i barely participate in class because i just couldnt understand what theyre talking about in japanese and yet yesterday...at my chiisai sayounara party, the girls cried and they dressed me with the yukata they gave me. and even put make-up on my face. you should have seen their faces when they were finished doing their project on me. they looked like proud big sisters. and when i went to leave for hanabi, they watched me leave until i was out of their sight..like after walking a few meters i would look back and see if theyre still there and they were and i would hand signal them to get inside the building but then id walk a few meters again and look back and they still havent left, they were still looking at me.. (:-_-). touched desu.
and sensei said maybe they'll have rein (the next exchange student form my university) in their semi next term...and i was like, hontou!? i just thought maybe they wanted someone who is more nihongo jouzu than me...someone not filipina. am really paranoid am i not?
and the otokonokotachi..^^ hehe. kawaii. they still havent taught me how to play pachinko though. and they said they would. nyay. something came to my mind, cant stop laughing. someone stop me!
its also official: i love my semi classmates but *aaArgh* how i hate my semi class!!! all those words i cant understand!?!?!%&*^@#!! they really cant blame me that i had ippai absences right?!
and and and--!!! i met filipinos on the train to motomachi chukagai!!! it was weird, we were talking like i was part of their barkada since forever. we were too loud inside the train like we were the only people there. hehehe. akala nila japanese ako. ang dami ko ng fans. wala daw taste si #$%@^*& kase napaka cuteness ko daw. imagine nakuwento ko sa kanila yun?! bwuahahaha.
i hate my blog. it wont let me see my june archives. :( but am going to hanabi (fireworks) tonight! ^^ *sigh* haaay i wish...
Watashi wa nihongode supi-chishitai desu kedo, nihongo mada mada~ hakkiri arawasukoto ga dekinai kara, eigode hanasasete itadakimasu. Hontouni Gomenasai.
When I came here, I lived in the dormitory in Musashi-Urawa.. There I lived with girls from different countries: England, Germany, Korea, Vietnam, China, Japan, and Taiwan. My dormitory was like a small universe. When I go out of my room, walk in the hallways, take the public bath, or eat at the dining room, I would hear people talking in different languages and it was beautiful in the ears. When I was a kid, I never would have thought that I could experience something like this.
I attend classes and seminars here in Suidobashi. The classes I took were taught in English because my limited Nihongo capability won't allow me understand difficult words used in classes taught in Nihongo.
But most of the time I'm here, I spent learning at the Japanese Language School in Ichigaya. We have classes five days a week every morning, and in the afternoons there are different classes. Kanji, Role-playing, even singing, and other classes. We even have Conversation classes where I have met many Japanese volunteers, young and old, and people from different countries: France, America, Bolivia, Canada, Poland, Sweden, and Finland, just to name a few. I have been to many places: Oosaka, Kyoto, Kobe, Hakone, Kamakura, Yokohama, Nikko, and around Tokyo. Every place I've been to always amaze me. Every place is beautiful. But of all the places I have been to, my Japanese Language School is my most favorite place in Japan. There I did not only learn the Japanese language but I also learned a lot about friendship, life, love, and the fact people may come from different countries but we are a lot similar than we are different. And it's my favorite place because it is where I have met and became friends with wonderful people.
I wanted to tell more about my classes, more about my travels, and more about the people I have met but I thought Id rather talk about what this experience taught me and what difference it has made in my life.
First, I learned that language can never be a barrier to anything. People can understand each other despite language differences. Like me and my Chinese friends, they are jouzu in Nihongo but not in Eigo, while I am jouzu in Eigo but has a lot to improve with my Nihongo and yet we can talk about a lot of things and about life. Also in my dormitory, there was a Korean girl who came for the winter vacation, and she wasn't good in either Eigo or Nihongo, but when she knocked on my door and gave me an omiyage I know she wanted to be friends. Which made me realized something else, it is true after all, that action does speak louder than words. ^^
I also learned from meeting people from different nationalities that we may come from different countries, grew up in different cultures, have different colors of hair, skin, and eyes, and some may be taller than the others but the truth is that if we look beyond the physical appearance, we will realize that we are similar to each other. I have made really good friends. There are seven girls that are especially closer to my heart: three from China, two from Germany, one from America, and one from England. I share not just experiences and travels with them, but also happy moments and sad ones. Now that I am writing this, I can't help the tears from falling down my face thinking that I would have to go home soon, and I would have to part from friends that I might not even see again.
Being a Filipina, short and yellow-skinned with dark eyes and dark hair, before I came here in Japan, somehow I felt inferior to Western races, that they always do things better than Filipinos do. Maybe it is because they stand tall and they're white skinned that when you stand beside them, you can't help but feel little and unbeautiful. But when I got to know these people, I realized that we only look different outside and that I shouldn't look down on my race because we are special too. I realized that Western people may look superior but they are normal people too: they also get bored in boring classes, copy homework, and never return them, etc. ^^. I also realized that I should be proud to be a Filipino. We don't have a rich country but we are sensitive and caring people. It was me who started hugging my dorm mates (the Germans, English, and Chinese) and since then, we never part ways without hugging. From all these, I realized that if we only put aside our prejudices and try to get to know people and accept them for who they are, then our world will probably be a better place to live in. No wars. No misunderstandings.
There were a lot of reasons why I had wanted to get the scholarship.
One reason is that I wanted to be mature. I was 20 years old when I left the Philippines and just finished my third year in College. Only one year left before I graduate. But I felt there is so much I have to learn in life before I can be ready to graduate and so I thought, one year away from my parents will help me mature a lot. And it did. Not all my experiences in Japan were happy ones. But the sad and challenging ones taught me how to be strong, be an adult, have faith, and take care of myself.
Another reason is I wanted to broaden my horizon and see a world outside the Philippines. Unlike Japanese people, it is not easy for Filipinos to travel outside of our country. It is difficult to acquire a visa and you have to be rich enough to travel. This is my second time in Japan. The first was in high school when I was also sent as an exchange-student for two weeks at St. Margarets (Rikkyo in Mitakadai). I wanted to grab this opportunity because it's a chance not everyone is privilege to have. And yes, not only was I able to travel and see Japan, I was also able to somehow learn about Germany in the eyes of my German friends, China in the eyes of my Chinese friends, England, etc.
This experience has also taught me to dream more for me and for my country, the Philippines.
I wanted to finish my studies and work hard so I could travel the world and go to my friend's countries to meet them again. I also wanted to work harder so I can earn enough so I can bring my parents and sister with me back to Japan and see the country that has been home for me for a year and see how beautiful it is.
Japan and my country, the Philippines, are different. In Japan, there are innumerable train lines (the Sobu-sen, the Saikyou-sen, the Keio-sen, and all of JR lines and chikatetsu), in Manila there are only three lines that we use to go around the city because our main transportation are buses and cars. Japan is a lot more organized than my country. Here there are bus stops; in my country the buses can stop almost anywhere. Japan even has lockers for umbrellas and this plastic dispenser outside any establishment when it rains, whereas, the Philippines has quite a number of problems to even think about that. In the Philippines, especially in cities, you will find slums and little kids begging for alms in the street or selling cigarettes. You will even find people getting a living from Gomiyama. It is because the life in the province is really hard so some thinks of migrating in the cities hoping they will get lucky, but most don't :,(.
When I think about it, it makes me sad but it also makes me want to offer more to my country. Someday, I want to see my country to be developed like Japan. You see, I am from the University of the Philippines, which means that part of my tuition is subsidized by the Government from our citizen's taxes. I owe my education to them, even this chance of being here, I owe to them, and I wanted to give it back to my country. I want to repay my country for what it has done for me.
Leaving Japan will be sad. I have gotten used to Japanese living already...except the constant earthquakes, I still get scared of that. But I don't get embarrassed taking all of my clothes off when I take public bath. And I've gotten use to using "eeeh....to..," "ano...," "eeeeh?%#!," "...ne~" in normal conversations. I am even getting used to the very crowded trains in the morning. I will miss seeing houses with bushes in their front yard trimmed into balls, or seeing Japanese faces' turn brightly red when drinking alcohol, or seeing pachinko in every corner. And it might take me a long time to stop doing a slight bow when greeting people even when I'm home in the Philippines already.
It will be sad, but I am coming home with a better self, bigger dreams, and wider insight. Kotoshi no seikatsu wa zettai isshou wasuremasen. DOMO ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU. Ijou desu.
i know that by saying this i am putting myself in danger of being dis-owned by my friends but..errR...ill say it anyway. i now officially like kimura takuya. harharhar. ^^
crush ko si jay perillo ng star in a million. harharhar. ^^ gwuaponess. sana manalo sya. gusto ko din si kris lawrence kase sobrang cool ng boses nya...pero 75% lang kase number 1 pa din si jay. bwuahahahaha. :D
yesterday was crazy. it was the first time i shopped like crazy. i didnt know if its just because i was too miserable i needed something to make me happy, or that it was a bargain so i couldnt help but take them home. but i swear it was a real bargain. like i bought the purse for 10 pesos (20 yen). *and im not saying this just to defend myself.
but i swear it was a real bargain. like i bought the purse for 10 pesos (20 yen). *and im not saying this just to defend myself.
just finished watching strawberry on the shortcake. i told myself last night to watch just one episode so i could practice my japanese. at first i liked it because its a story closest to my heart. then i find myself wanting to see one episode after another, never stopping...never sleeping until this morning...because...because...i wished something will change as the story goes on and i was anxious to see the later episodes thinking that what i was hoping to change would happen. but came the last scene, still nothing changed. the movie didnt end the way i hoped it would. and i cried loads i felt like i was about to lose my breath...
i dont know if i should love or hate it.
actually, it was a happy ending.
but i dont know why it made me soOo sad and miserable, i couldnt stop crying. until now. it made me so sad i dont want to go out of my room for the whole day.
*sigh* there was one character i wanted to be happy...but it wasnt her drama. she wasnt the lead role so she didnt get the happy ending...and it made me soOo sad. stories like this should end with everyone happy...stories like this shouldnt be like real life. because people like me watch stories like this hoping to escape from reality...expecting happy endings just like fairy tales. *sigh* its just that... it strung a chord in my heart...
i will never fall in love again if i can help it. were all born to love but its scary, and i dont want it to hurt me. no i wont fall in love.
i am way way too emotional for s.o.s. :(
i love strawberry on the shortcake, but why does he have to be madly in love with his younger step-sister?! poor girl next door. :( then again, its not the end of the story yet.
22 more days and he's gone.
and i'll never ever see him again.
i have long given up the hope that he will ever love me...
or like me, at least.
because i know i am difficult to love.
there are people who can confess they like someone
and make that someone fall in love with them instantly,
but...well, i am not one of those people.
so i understand...
he's not superman,
he cant do the impossible.
24 days left
im genki. ^^
It was said that before, in the origin of times, there were three sexes; male, female, and androgene. Original humans do not look like how we humans look today. Humans before were said to be twice of each person now, with two heads, two pair of eyes, two pair of lips, four hands, four feet, two bodies, two hearts, and of course two genitals. Then, if the person has two vaginas, that is a female. If the person has two penis, that is a male person. If the person has both the two different organs, a vagina and a penis, then that person is an androgene. They said that androgenes were the most beautiful people among all because they have mostly the best features and characteristics of both the male and the female. Because these people dream of being in heaven, even if they already have the heavens in their selves, they want to experience it even for just a little while. And so they climbed to Mount Olympus.
Zeus got furious upon seeing the people going up the mountain. He said, "How dare these immortals climb our wondrous world? And to think I'd let them experience it! Especially now that they do not cherish of what they have!!!" He got so mad that he used his lightning bolts to cut each person in half to make them weaker enough so as not to continue on climbing.
The God of Healers healed the wounds of the people cut in half. And from then on, everyone started to look out for their pair the moment they got down from the mountains.
This is why there is the term "soulmates". Their bodies, in which their souls rest, used to be one. Therefore soulmates.
They said that this is also the reason why there are people who love their same sex, the gays and lesbians. They are the males and females before. And this also explains why gays are creative, because they are both males before, they tend to concentrate on what they lack. The same thing for lesbians. Because they are both females before, they tend to be strong as not to be underestimated.
Androgenes would be equal to male and female lovers. That is why nowadays these couples are the most acceptable, stronger, and the most beautiful among all partners, they have the strength of both males and females.
Lovers nowadays, whether gay, lesbian, or male and female couples, are indestructible because they are the pairs before. They are really meant to be.
This myth also explains why it is natural for people to just realize the value of the people they love only when they are about to be gone or are already gone. Because this happened even before, and we become weaker without our pair. We realize that we need them, truly love them, and that together, we are stronger.
This is also why we kiss. We always try to find the lips wherein ours will fit well. This is also why we like to hold hands with the one we love, to find out if the spaces between their fingers are the spaces where ours used to lay.
And finally, this is why we always find someone to love. We always want to complete ourselves... Because we need the strength of the one we love in order to go on with the hardships of life... we need to fill in a missing space... and most of all, because we used to have two hearts. We need to find the other one. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
from a friend's blog. what if it were true? then we wouldnt have to wonder why there are gays and lesbians. or if soulmates were true. or why some love are indestructible because they were lucky enough to find their pair. or why there are people who cant live without someone to love. or why break-ups happen..because they weren't the original pair. or why we almost often tend to like someone who is a bit similar to the the person we liked before, because were always on the look out for our pair, and being away from him/her for a long time..we tend to mistake other people to be them but in the end, we always realize if the person is the one or not. or why despite the imperfections or the headaches, some people still stick to the one they truly love...because the imperfect person is their true pair. shou ga nai. we also dont have to wonder why people dont realize what's important to them until its all gone...because human beings tend to repeat the same mistakes over again.
what if prince charming never showed up? would snow white have slept in that glass coffin forever? or would she have eventually waken up, spit the apple, got a job, a health care package and a baby from her local neighborhood sperm bank?
i couldnt help but wonder: inside every confident driven women, is there a delicate, fragile princess waiting to be saved?
:) he remembered i have dimples on my right cheek. i havent even seen him for centuries. and even i sometimes forget that i do have dimples. ^%!@)*&!!
i rarely check my guestbook because hardly anyone leaves me a message there, but when i checked it today i found out my very dear scrapbook_maker patty tp (you cant make me stop calling you that because you will always be my one and only tp) filled up my questionnaire. :)
June 12th 2005 03:12:55 PM
peanut butter or strawberry jam?
gummy bears or m&m's?
pink or purple?
like me or not? hehehe. need not answer.
more than just "like"... more of "unconditionally love"
sunrise or sunset?
tulips or rose?
lillies first, then tulips
skirt or pants?
harry potter or LOTR?
harry potter when Im happy, LOTR when im sad
beleive in soulmates or not?
if i can only have 1 soulmate -ever-, then I'd rather not believe
coke or pepsi?
ever loved at first sight?
greenhills , gale/g4, or divisoria? (4pinoys)
rockwell, podium, greenbelt 3, gale
okay i asked too many questions already!
To my girl-friend who seems to think she's an ugly duckling: why do you think you're ugly? No one can make you feel truly ugly except yourself. Take a look again at the beautiful pictures of the sky, the mountains and the trees... pictures you yourself took. You do not look at each tree, each bush, each flower and try to spot that dried twig hanging on the side, or how many of it's leaves have fallen to the gound... or even its petals that are not perfectly lined up. No sweetie. That's not what we look at. We admire it as a thing of beauty because it brings joy to our hearts despite all the imperfections it may have, for beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder. I know you believe that we are all made special. Try to remind yourself this, once in a while. For when the time comes that you wish you were exaclty like someone else... then you'd be as common as that other person... but no longer special (unique). Perhaps it would be best not to let your mind think too much in to the minutest detail, for you'll never come out of it feeling good about yourself, or anything else in that matter. Keep your chin up girl.
comments, violent reaction, smiley..whatever:
And try not to be too sad with your grades. Grades are not everything. They cant tell who you are as a person. It cant tell you anything about your integrity, your level of perseverance, your patience, how well you handle stress, how optimistic you are in life, how good a teamplayer you are, your honesty, your sense of time and urgency, your sense of service, your sense of camaraderie, not even your committment to excellence. Grades merely reflect how well you have absorbed concepts and theories. The more important and more crucial challenge is how well your creativity, resourcefullness and hard work will help you to apply all that you've learned- be it from school or from experience, to be successful in the real world and in life in general. Instead, value knowledge over grades, experience over hours spent in academic labor. You may not remember how to prepare a financial statement 10 years from now... but what is truly more important, is that you have learned and mastered the discipline, the patience and the perserverance required in learning (or relearning for that matter) any topic you can find in a book.
to my dearest scrapbook_maker,
i miss you. thank you for loving me unconditionally. hmmmmph...you always do special things for me while i cant even reply to your mails...:( probably the most laborious thing i did for you was my lipovitan bottle while you went through all the trouble of preparing my what to bring to tokyo list...the medicines i have to take, the clothes, the other miscellaneous stuff...and you made a scrapbook for me and it was a total surprise because i never saw you passing it around at school asking them to write me a message. remember how i cant stop crying and laughing at the same time at choco kiss when i was opening each page of it? i never thought i was that special to you guys. i always forget my worth but you always remind me of it. how can i ever thank you? your friendship means a lot to me. *deep sigh* you always make me cry...in a nice way. i am grateful to fate, my lucky stars, serendipity, or whatever it is that brought you to me. i always think about you guys. recently ive been brainstorming for topics for my papers, and i was like, if only i could ask patty tp. i dont know but i trust your opinion. if theres really one thing that i regret about being away for almost a year? it is not spending precious fourth year days with you guys. but we will make up for it when i come home. well spend so many tmes together at school until you'll get sick of seeing me around. i miss you and i love you too tp.
...from scrapbook_receiver with lots of hugs and kisses blown in the air.
in highschool, i was infatuated with this guy...two years my junior. i know its like a mild case of pedophilia but hey its just two years!
i must have loved him in a childish-this-isnt-real-love-yet-but-almost-there kind of way because i see nothing but him and ive discovered i could write poems because of him. maybe ive written more than a dozen poems...but not a single piece he was able to read. even when i went away for college i would still ask about him. and i tore his picture one time only to ask my friend to give me another copy of it again. hehehehe. silly me.
in high school, i was the laziest editor-in-chief of our school paper...being part of the school paper, i remember...hehehe...^^...i remember my friends walking up to him...hehehe ^^, pretending and asking him to pose for a picture for that term's issue. his picture never came out of the paper because they took it for me. heheheh. what was he thinking?! where exactly did he think we'd use his pic? editorial page? news? feature?! stupid guy. ^^ but i swear i didnt force my friends to do it..they did it in their own free will. i have very supportive friends. ^^
*sigh* nothing really. im just remembering the boy, and me...the girl that i used to be. incomplete of sisqo was his fave song. i still remember how he looked, how he always carry a handkerchief with him...and how he always have a girbaud bag..which was why, since then my wallet has always been girbaud...^^ i even know where he lives, and no i wasnt stalking him...it just so happened that he lives in the route my jeep is taking...^^ when papa and i pass by kamuning, i would ask him before to take ral's street...less traffic plus i might accidentally see him...^^
i remember him but i dont remember the feeling anymore. it was four years ago. amazing how time and distance can change people. :) i wonder how i will be four years from now.
all my kaek-ekan and kakikayan stuff are there (click the
i also collect costumes. whenever i go to this ukay-ukay at laguna, and if find any interesting costumes, i buy it...ill post them when i get home. so if you guys ever need to borrow costumes. just contact me ^^.
and uhm..i also have weird hats at home. anyone going to a hat party, i can lend those too.
i paint really pretty nails too! im not just a beads queen, im a nailpolish goddess too!!! so if you want to paint your nails and need it pretty...just contact me. to those who have my number before i came here in tokyo, im still keeping it, so you can text me there. ^_^ yey! im soOo excited.
*all payments negotiable ^_^*
nyikes. ^^ got this from a forwarded mail. Armed with this list and a smile, you will be sure to make the proper impression not just on your new relations, but on your loved one as well. Now let's practice: "Honey, when I first saw you, I made laglag brip, and was almost torpe. When I finally got the nerve to date you, I almost became indyanero, because I didn't think I had the right japorms. When you're around, I'm kilig, when you're not, I get gigil. You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just checheboreche, but in truth, my love, I'm so ano with you."
These are the words that are so unique and loaded in meaning that they will never find a direct translation in the English language. Forget traditional dictionaries. Keep this.
Armed with this list and a smile, you will be sure to make the proper impression not just on your new relations, but on your loved one as well. Now let's practice: "Honey, when I first saw you, I made laglag brip, and was almost torpe. When I finally got the nerve to date you, I almost became indyanero, because I didn't think I had the right japorms. When you're around, I'm kilig, when you're not, I get gigil. You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just checheboreche, but in truth, my love, I'm so ano with you."
MY HOROSCOPE: That thing (or person) you want so much and are clinging to for dear life? Let it (or them) go. Only then will you see the situation for what it is -- and see clearly what you truly desire.
what if i meet someone who reminds me of myself in some ways? someone who's like a guy version of me? someone who at first glance looks shy...someone who's shy around people he barely knows but opens up to people he's become used to? someone who can be really kalog around people he's comfortable with? someone who knows what kalog means, or divisoria, or gale, or torpe, or edsa? what if he also has faith in God? what if he's also single since birth? what if he also has this grand impression of love? what if he's sensitive? what if he also knows how it is to be unliked back by the very person he wishes to return his feelings? what if he also hears the sound fo a heart breaking just like i do? what if he also does silly things for the person he likes?
but what if he likes another girl? and what if i stopped for a while to listen if my heart beats for him but i couldnt hear a sound? what if i just couldnt hear a sound because im guarding my heart from potentially breaking? would i let down my defences and allow myself to be vulnerable again? should i allow myself to fall? wouldnt that be suicide?
i want the world to know that Mi is not just a friend. she's my snow white. my okashi. my maigo. my very dear friend. she's like a sister to me.
umizaru --> ***
war of the worlds --> *** and a 1/2 *
i was listening to this record...and after the song, it played..."daylight, the music's alright...light rock on the radio, 96.3...w.rock"...i cried. :-_-:. i didnt know it was recorded from the philippines. im a 96.3 wrock and jam88.3 girl. *sigh* I MISS HOME *sigh*.
when an emotional injury takes place
the body begins a process
as natural as the healing
of a physical wound.
let the process happen.
trust that nature
will do the healing.
know that the pain will pass,
and, when it passes,
you will be stronger,
happier, more sensitive and aware.
--from my sister when i was *blahblah* a year and so-so months ago. haaay. sisters are the best especially when they collect cheer up quotes for you when youre down.
This is the beginning
of a New Day.
God has given me this day
To use as I will.
I can waste it
Or grow in its light
And be of service to others.
But what I do with this day
Because I have exchanged
A day of my life for it.
When tomorrow comes,
Today will be gone forever.
I hope I will not regret
The price I paid for it.
I love you Jesus and I could sing of Your love forever Lord.
I will worship You until the end of my days.
There is nothing to fear when I'm with You.
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
|How to make a Falling Star|
1/2 cup of naivety
3/4 cup of laughter
1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!*
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...