its official: i've no more m.c.
ex m.c. is now just plain r**h*r* or *en* or h**g.
and despite my bloody "hate letter," im not really becoming a guy-hater. lets just put it this way: i am putting my heart at rest for a while. no more skip-beating. no more smiling when his screen name comes up. no more collecting of his pic from my friend's digicam. no more m.c. display backgrounds on my pc. and no more falling for another guy...at least for now.
my life will be just about Jesus, my family and friends, and...me.
i gave you up today...
i heard the song "ticket to ride" and i felt...that was it. time for goodbye.
no it wasn't really the song...but it said something that kind of hit me in the head..."the boy that's driving me mad is going away....and he dont care."
you see, i guess i really liked you (if a naive-confused-often-times-deranged girl like me could know what LIKE means)...but i just dont like what im going through now. i dont think i can be this cruel to myself. i mean, ive told you i like you..and how many days has it been since? twelve days? i mean if you had liked me...you'd at least show you care for me...message me hello on msn sometimes? or said hello to me when we saw each other for the first time last thursday? but nothing. you dont care. there's not even a single tiny sign you like me. and that makes me feel soOo unlikable that i start to blame myself again. and i just hate having insecurity attacks. its one of the worst feelings ever.
i didnt give up liking you because the feeling stopped, i gave up because i had to. at the point where my hope of someone liking me back as much ends, starts the point where i had to give myself the love others could not give me. i owe myself that.
maybe standford in sex in the city was right...maybe this is just my lifestyle: kl-liking-someone-who-wont-like-her-back lifestyle. it cant be that bad.
to my supposedly "special someone,"
this is a hate letter so dont think ill be asking you to take care of yourself while youre still away from me.
i hate you. i hate you coz its taking you forever to get to me. where have you been going anyway?
i hate you. why did you let me fall for m**e, *a*p* (who i definitely think is a gay that's just so desperately pretending to be a guy), and m.c.? why did you let me fall for them and get myself seriously broken and bruised in the end?! now i wont heal..and its all your fault!!! how could you let me fall for them?! how could you allow me to think they could be you--the one--when truth is, they're not?!
how could you let me cry gallons of tears for them? how could you let me think im an ugly duckling and someone unlikable?! if i was meant for you and you were meant for me, why have you not found your way to me yet? if only you were here, i wouldnt have fallen for the wrong guys..i wouldnt have lost my faith in love!!! but there you are...somewhere in the world...away from me.
i wont wait for you anymore. i wont think about you anymore. no precious minutes and hours will be wasted for you..because the last time i did, i fell for a wrong guy and now i find myself crying again!
i dont care anymore if you ever come into my life. i dont care about you anymore. i hate you. i am probably much better off without you. i am soOo through with guys.
hate you and wont be waiting for you,
a few minutes ago...i wrote a letter to m.c...but this letter is a close one, in that i never intend for him to read this. one risk is enough. i dont intend to break me more.
I feel like crying now. Because i thought, once i send you that video...once you Know, something wonderful would happen. I've really been waiting for that "something wonderful"...for that "miracle" for a long time now...but nothing happened...and you dont seem to care. it really hurts me.
you asked why. howcome. i dont really know. like i said, it just happened. if hearts can be taught how to not feel certain things or to stop feeling, id have taught my heart already because i know it will only break it. id have stopped feeling but i couldnt. it kept on growing. and the more it grows, the more im finding it difficult to act normal around you.
there were times that i make your picture my pc's background display pic so i'd be used to seeing you...so when i see you in person i wouldnt be as nervous anymore. but i still am. when you sign online on msn and i see your screenname come up, id get nervous and happy at the same time--just how silly is that?
i would look at you sometimes and wonder why i like you. but no rational reason comes up. when kuya or kansan or antoine or some other boy smiles, it doesnt send me this weird feeling as when i see you smile. youre not even drop-dead-handsome and yet i still like you. you hardly even talk to me and yet i still like you. when im there, you'd pass by me and ignore me like im some wall and yet i still like you. you dont even look at me as i wish you would, and yet i still like you--just how stupid am i?
i can be a really stupid woman sometimes. and a cry-baby too.
when july ends, i wont see you again. in our lives, some people are only meant to pass by...some people are only meant to walk in our lives at one point and leave us forever. but those who leave are not lost forever coz they dwell in our memories. you will be in mine, because if there's one thing i should be thankful about meeting you, it is that you unknowingly taught me how to be brave for someone...you unknowingly taught me to take risKs and be brave for the consequences. no longer will i wonder what might have been. no regrets will tear me apart because i have said what i wanted to say, when i wanted to say it...and saw the consequence. and yes, you taught me too that if i wanted badly to be with the wrong person...how much more beautiful the feeling will be when the right one comes along. maybe we were just wrong for each other...and its not your fault so i shouldnt hate you. and neither was it my fault...im not to be blamed if someone i like dont like me back, right?
i will remember you. but you will probably not remember me. the video? none of the pictures there has me. when your forty or fifty and accidentally come across that video, the face of the girl who gave you that will be as blurred as a picture soaked in water, or it will dissolve like papyrus soaked in vinegar. and its alright, because id have moved on by then, i will hurt no more.
there must be someone you like now. isnt there? its just i dont think its possible for anyone to not have even just an itsy-bitsy admiration for someone. at at least the age of twenty, there will be someone who will always cross your mind...deshou? is she from china? england? is she tall? pretty? is she lady-like? at some point you will end up with someone, i wonder how she would be like. i wonder how you two would look like together. i wanna see her face some day. i want to know why you dont like me.
yeah...you probably wont enjoy my company...i mean, im 21 and yet all i want to do for fun is climb trees, swing on playgrounds, fly a kite, walk barefoot on the grass...those things. i am too boring for you.
can i ask you one thing though? why dont you like me? was it my hair? my height? ...my weight? my face? why do i even ask..ill never know...because youll never read this letter...that video is the last one. to risk and to be brave is a good thing...but to risk some more and purposely break my heart is just not something id do.
i dont have to tell you take care, dont i? i mean u'll surely take care of yourself..even if i dont say take care in this letter. *sigh* but just the same...taKe care m.c.. bye-bye.
(time: maybe around 11 a.m; room 133)
im writing this now while pretending im listening to my professor and taking down notes. sometimes i think something is totally wrong with me. i mean, what the HECK am i doing here? this is macroeconomics. okay, i love numbers...but i took this subject back at my home university already!!! and ive been in this professor's class before and i know for a fact that it will be like this: BORING to the nth level. BUT i STILL took it! aaaargh. what the HECK! im abnormal. that's the only possible way to explain it. the macroeconomics i took at home was even way way harder than this and yet i still choose to waste my time here. just what kind of a mind is here lurking inside my head?! i am seriously crazy. i think i need to go check a psychiatrist. no really...im serious. sometimes i want to go to a psychiatrist coz im confusing myself...most of the time.
hmmm..day nine..how's my heart?
doing better, maybe. i mean im not wasting precious tears over it anymore. this is a good sign right?
AAAAAAAAAAAAH! until when will this class end? its taking forever! i feel like ive been sitting here since last week! and i can seriously hear my stomach complaining already (yamete!)!
i think from today..ill make this class my Writing Class. there's so much to write about--a detailed explanation why this class is boring, or i can write about why i love mathematics, why i hate science, why i'm falling star, why i once was "circle", what i think about what i was in my past life (if i ever had one)....aaaaahhhhh...this will be exciting!!! (not to mention going here makes me burn more calories than sleeping in my room which is most likely the case when i stay inside my dormitory)
fact #1: i dont want to like him.
fact #2: BUT i do. like him.
fact #3: and i dont have sensible reasons why.
fact #4: he knows what i feel...the gist, at least.
fact #5: we're not talking.
fact #6: he doesn't care.
fact #7: HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
fact #8: he doesn't like me for sure.
fact #9: broken again. me
fact #10: i feel like crying.
and i wish he didn't.
*mi baka!* its just...i told him i hope he doesnt act weird or anything when we do meet in the future after that "little project" of mine...and he said i shouldnt worry because he wont. he said nothing would change. that it'll be like before. and he did just that.
nothing changed. we still hardly spoke a word to each other.
today's the first day we met since That..and im so stupid because i let myself be bothered a lot about seeing him. i allowed myself to get too nervous. aaargh. i dont know what will happen to us. probably nothing.
btw. i got an offline forwarded message. and it made me really jealous...when will this happen to me?! -->
girl asked a guy if she was pretty, he said no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever..and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry? and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said..You're not pretty your beautiful. i dont want to be with you forever. i NEED to be with you forever, and i wouldnt cry if you walked away..i would die...
heck...i think it wont happen ever.
(today's the eight day. til when should i let this bother me?)
Stressing out about your love life (or lack thereof) won't get you anywhere. Do something healthy for your body and keep your mind in the present -- the rest will take care of itself.
how appropriate. that's my horoscope yesterday. ill try not to fret about it, but it just makes me wonder...was there ever an easy way to break somebody's heart?
when i was in high school, there was this guy who liked me very much. he was two years my junior, i was in fourth year while he was still in sophomore. he was funny...but i get really guilty when i think about it. he must have liked me a lot then coz when someone introduced me to him, i was standing there while his friend is gripping his hand coz he was trying to run to the boys' toilet. and then on feb 14th of that year, a friend of him handed me this small box that looked like there's some necklace or something inside and i just stared at it forever so his friend thought that i must have preferred it more that he give it to me himslef than ask his friend. so when his friend left i hurriedly ran to my friends' CAT HQ to hide and used the girl scouts' HQ to get to the choirs' room coz we have a practice that afternoon. after our practice, my friend told me im really mean coz i made the guy wait outside the CAT's HQ for ages thinking i was there inside..and when he realized, it was taking me centuries to get out, he finally knocked and asked if i was there only to find out i wasnt.
in university, there was this guy in my college who i was kind of friends with. being in the same college and batch, we have some classes together. but we became friends because we took the same elective together (filipino psychology) and we were in the same group...we had lots of laugh coz the class was fun and our group get along very well. until one day, he started texting me with seemingly meaningless i-care-for-you-coz-we're-friends messages on my cellphone and i never really mind. then he'd try to walk with me after class so thinking that there's something going on, i would suddenly change my way..like, oh i forgot i need to do something here pala..and then after class one day he asked if i could give him 3 minutes. so i did. and i stood there dumbfounded while he was telling that he likes my sense of humour...that he likes me...dahdahdahdah...and i wanted to tell him, i get it but i think your three minutes is over so can i go now? and i just started giving him a silent treatment. id pretend nothing happened or i didnt hear anything and i would ignore him. there was a time when he wanted to explain it to me again but i wouldnt hear any of it so i kept on walking while he was following me and when we reached this caf near the psych college (was i here THAT LONG already that i cant remember the name of that caf?!) i finally stopped and faced him and covered my ears while he was talking. we even had a fight over our last group project in psych coz at almost the last minute he wanted to back out from acting as tita charo in our mini-play and it just annoyed me soo much coz i made the script and all and there were not enough people in our group to play his part. but i was really just being mean to him. i feel really bitchy. i was bitchy, wasnt i?
and just a few years ago, there's a guy in my community youth org who liked me. i really like him too..but only as a friend. last last christmas he gave me a necklace, and i gave him this mini gadget you can take with you and play anywhere..but that's about all i can give him...and my frienship, if he still likes it. he told me he loves me. but just what does that mean?! i told him that couldnt be true coz he hardly even know me. you cant possibly love that easy?! but as much as i dont want to upset him coz i like him as a friend...i, ah...i said no.
the guy from high school..they even said we look okay together. maputi, chinito, cute, taller than me but not too tall...torpe, if i may add. but back then i was soOo infatuated with this guy (also a sophomore) that i see no one else but him. and the guy from my college....i dont know, i really feel i owe him an apology. but i was really really still immature then. i remember i was praying to God for that something wonderful to come and then...pooof! he confessed. i was really really afraid that he might be what GOd intended for me and i just couldnt imagine being with him. so to change my fate i avoided him as much as i could...but that was a really foolish and childish thing to do...not to mention bitchy. but i was still very young then..and i thought running or avoiding someone was an okay thing to do...
life does have a way of playing tricks on you. those guys liking me, me liking m.c. and etc., and these m.c. and etc. not liking me (or liking someone else)...
if m.c. breaks my heart, i deserve it.
and it looks like he will.
i only said i like him...i didnt ask him to like me back at all. but though im not expecting anything from him...somehow, you cant help but hope he'll say smoething more than just a thank you. but he wont. im sure he wont. and it might be because i have a really terrible hair or somethings seriously unproportional with my face...or simply because he only sees me as a friend...and nothing more than that. he could avoid me, or pretend nothing happened (that he didnt know a thing, like everything's normal again), or he could pretend he wants to be friends with me (that it was alright)...but none of those ways would give me that something wonderful i was waiting for for ages...all those ways, would break me. inside id still be hurt.
oh m.c. if you must break my heart, please do it so gently.
yesterday was day two. yesterday was superfun.
first, i was allowed to miss my seminar class, thanks to my acting ability...my almost-perfect skill in faking sickness.^_^. second, i found out wenwen didnt have to go home to china soon. ^_^. and after suidobashi (my i-dont-wanna-be-there-coz-it-means-boring-school), i went for a really long walk to the park, really long talk, and ice cream on the way with clairy fairy (had three ice creams today!!!).
we climbed four trees at yoyogi park!!! (well just three, coz the last tree we climbed with miryll was the same tree we climbed first). While we were up there, we had lots of laugh and stories, did some work (claire reviewed her kanji, while i read the da vinci code), wrote our names on our tree, and we even sang (if you can call it that). on our first tree, we were told off by the security guards. they didnt really look serious and scary, so we just pretended we were going down but stayed there when they were already out of sight. actually we didnt really have much choice but stay there longer coz it took us forever going down! its just no one was down there to catch us when we fall and its so scary the ground looked really hard.
after we were told to go down that tree, we went to climb two other trees and even came back to our original tree with miryll...eeRrr, well i dont remember the security guards saying we couldnt come back and climb again after going down..^_* they should have been more specific ^_*. it was really soOo much fun. too bad no one brought a camera. there was this western guy who took a picture of us while we were up there...he didnt even ask permission!! we wouldnt have mind..well just ask him to send it to us through email-->but NO!! that bitch!!
and the day didnt end there, i watched this scary movie (hide and seek) while having dinner with claire, pei, and this koreans who kept turning the volume down. i swear i was thisclose to grabbing that remote from her or just shout in her face "ive had enough of you lady!!! i can tolerate you turning the volume so low that we cant even make sense of what theyre saying but could you tell me what's the point of watching a scary movie if we cant hear any sound effects? do they have it subtitled in korean too?!!" but then i realized its their movie anyway. huhuhu. but that didnt ruin my day, later that night i went to see a few episodes of friends in pei's room and i reached level 15 of notpron!!! how cool is that?!!!
yesterday was really long.
and being preoccupied with other things is good, keeps you busy so you wont see what's broken for a while.
but i have to face it, dont i? well...okay ill face it. at the moment, its crushing my ego...well, shengwen said that if m.c. likes me he'd tell me too after knowing. but its day three now and we still haven't spoken a word since that conversation. i kept telling myself that not all guys who liked me, i liked back too..so i cant really expect a lot from him, right? but its making me sad. was it my height? my weight? or just me? that he just cant see himself with me? okay i always say i just want to be friends anyway...but ill be a hyprocrite if i say that i am not hurt now that it seems that's really all we could ever be. friends. and he's rarely online now. is he avoiding me? or am i being paranoid? i told miryll that after telling him, i realized i dont want to get to know him more after all. and that's not a lie. but its not because im scared..its because its clear, friends is all we could ever be.
didnt see m.c., which might have been a good thing. i didnt go to class either. in fact i didnt do anything yesterday, i just slept and computered (is there such a word?!).
as much as i resolve not to think about it anymore...i cant help but think that m.c. is this person who's more than just a hop, skip and a jump away from me. he's just too far. until now.
good thing though that this deathball/notpron game kept me pre-occupied since yesterday morning. waaaaaaaaaaaah. its addicting. it has 107 levels and now im still in level 10. it would take me 2 years at the most to finish the game..what a blessing...keeps me away from sad m.c. thoughts.
last night...and probably spared myself a lifetime of wondering what could have been. am i okay? was i scared? was it worth it? do i have regrets? how's my heart now? what do i really feel?
i was scared. i was scared i might be making a mistake. and i was really nervous...i could hear my heart beating. and it was beating loud and fast. i havent bunjeejump yet but i think it must have felt that way...maybe more scary. i know i was going to let my self fall but im not sure if its totally safe down there, when i finally decide to jump, i know a lot of things could go wrong..the rope could break...the length of the rope im fastened at maybe miscalculated (might be longer than it should). i was afraid coz i know there's a big possibility it could break my heart.
but when he finally saw the video, and we finally talked about it. it wasn't that scary after all. he said thank you to me for letting him know. but i cried in the morning though...i dont know, i guess...like what miryll said, im also jealous of him. coz someone liked him. and im really jealous coz i know how much he's liked. and i know no one has ever liked me that way. *stop crying please*
i guess one reason why i was hesistant at telling him is that i grew up seeing my sister. she would have suitors giving her flowers, chocolates, writing a poem for her, driving from a really long distance just to surprise and see her..there was even one guy who asked his parents to go to our home all the way from baguio (where he lives, 6-7 hours drive from home) just to talk to our parents coz my sister and him had a fight and ate just wont talk to him. they all went through a great deal of trouble for my sister and ii thought that was how things work out...then i grew up and realized, my sister's just different..but i still thought that was possible for me...and it pains me knowing its not.
you see she's had five boyfriends...and i dont know how many suitors. so i guess i cant be blamed if i entertain the idea than there should atleast be something wonderful for me too...without me having to utter The Word first.
but i guess we cant have everything. because im very much loved by my friends and my family. like before i sent the "little project" to him, wenwen was tired from work but she went to my room to see the video and told me its okay..that if anything he'd definitely wont feel bad about knowing..(but she's mean [in a sweet way]...in her effort to comfort me and assure me its okay, she told me all the girls had a relationship already...that im the only one who's had none, and im 21 years old already, what have i been doing those years? eating ichigo[strawberry]?! she said i was eating while they were having a relationship!! mean girl ^.^). and claire..she said im fabulous *i think shes exaggerating*, that he'd be so flattered and told me she's really proud of me...she's like my "rahrah" girl (you know cheerleaders they say "rahrah" or something like that)..she even asked if i would like her to stay in my room for moral support and sent me a love and a hug through msn . i wanted to be alone, but when it was all over she went to my room to hug me and well, to make fun of m.c.'s replies. ^.^ and well, miryll...she doesnt tell me to go send it a.s.a.p. but she helps me make sense of what i think first ^.^ and she warned me about today's class (that i might see him there..and if im ready for that.^.^), she told me "kimi wa daijoubu...kitto wa daijoubu"...and she invited me to play a game on msn to distract me while i was sending it (only the game wont load.-.-). and we both didnt sleep all night exchanging movies (well she didnt sleep, and i tried not to sleep) and ahd breakfast together. i dont know...i just feel very much loved..them being there for me made things easier to go through.
was it worth it? i dont know but i definitely dont have regrets. last night was the longest msn conversation i had with him. atleast i got to talk to him. and that's what i want right? be friends with him?
this "little project" made me cry this morning but not all tears meant pain right? i dont know what's gonna happen next, and i really dont want to think about it. i want to be through with hypothesis making. sore wa iyada.
Its important to follow love wherever it leads you, as long as it isnt threatening to your safety and well-being. Sometimes people go too far in surrendering to love, but under ordinary circumstances, you have to give love a chance.~Thomas Moore
Yes, you can make bad decisions because of loves blindness, but you can also make good ones. We all need an extra jolt of passion to get over our inhibitions and move a step further into what life has to offer.~Thomas Moore
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before.~from a friend's blog
i have to make sense of what im feeling now. i cant just say im scared so i wont do it. i cant just say not all my friends think its a good idea to let him know so i wont let him know. i cant just say, im just a girl and its not my job so i wont make it mine. its confusing but there has to be some sense in this.
the fact is, i like him. its nothing big but its not trivial as well. and it may scare me in many ways...but there's nothing abnormal in liking . okashi even said its essential. and it is. and i never really believed that the other person has no right to know what you feel. i mean if a person was able to make you smile that silly smile, if a person makes you all giddy, if a person makes you smile without even a single effort on their part...well that person atleast deserves to know he/she has the power to do that, right? and telling someone you like him/her is not something to be ashamed of, right?
i guess what's bothering me is that i always think of how my actions would appear to other people. its always what they think first, before what i would feel. and maybe im also afraid that once its out, it wasnt what i thought after all. sometimes it is easier to admire someone from a distance than to have them closeby.
but i should tell him, right? coz the video kept me up until past 5 in the morning, so there must be something in me that wants him to see it. i should atleast give that part of me a chance.
i missed breakfast again. coz i slept at past 5 in the morning and told myself im just gonna take a nap and wake up for breakfast. i didnt.
what kept me up last night was..uhm...*sigh*..i edited the video i made out of his pics. i wrote a message on each slide. (should i write it here? well whats the use of having a journal if i cant write my thoughts here?!) *breathe deep* okay, it was this...
*deep sigh* ...yes, you're m.c...
you've been m.c. for quite a long while now...
eRrr...that stood for minor crush (m.c.)...
i dont even know why im doing this...*deep sigh*
and im really sorry if this strikes you as really odd...
or if this makes you feel utterly uncomfortable...
if it does...im really sorry...i didnt even plan this...
..i mean, liking you...i didnt plan it at all...it just...happened.
one day, i just noticed i cant stand near you...without getting strangely nervous...
i just cant talk naturally to you...
(you must have thought im really silly coz most of the time you talk to me...
...i reply to you with a one or two-word sentence)
*sigh* so whenever you're around...
...i just pretend im perpetually preoccupied with my book.
or i try as much as possible to not be where you are...*sigh*
its just that...im afraid that when youre near, or if i attempt to talk to you...
i might appear too obvoius...
im scared that you'll see through me...
and im scared that the feeling might not be welcomed...*sigh*
(im really talking silly, aren't i?) *sigh*
i wasn't even supposed to send this.
you werent supposed to know...
*deep deep sigh*
well all be going away soon...
and well, i just want to act normal around you...
so i thought i'd just let you know that..
..but could you please not mind the song?
its just, theres no other song available..
so i had to make do with that...
and sorry i had to *sigh* a lot...
i was just gonna say that...
...that i GUESS i...
*breathe deep* im just tired of wondering. and i just want to let this off my chest so i could act normal around him without hiding anything. maybe when ive said what i wanted to say, maybe after that the feeling would just melt away..maybe it just kept growing because ive been keeping it inside...maybe when its all out, then id know what he thinks...then no more guessing (coz that's the painfully exhausting part). im not even ready to be anyone's girlfriend. i just want to be his friend and act normal. i just want the normal me when he's around, and that has been quite hard to do because everytime he's near i know that there's something i know that he doesnt and im always on guard to keep it from him.
i might send it to him. soon. and i might be making a grave grave mistake. but what am i to do? ive been told many times to tell him. and it keeps on playing in my head. tell him. tell him. tell him. *breathe deep* part of me says i should just let him know. atleast there'll be no regrets. atleast id stop wondering. atleast i never had to worry about how to pretend i dont like him. and atleast i cant blame myself for wasting time, watching him slip away without knowing. but part of me says its a bad bad idea. just bad. that it would shock him. that it would totally change things. im as confused as ever. this is probably the biggest confusion of my life so far. if i can just sleep it over..and make it gone once i wake up. *huuuuuuuuuuuuu*
i was studying for a philo exam when my cellphone rang at 9pm. it was him. i answered it and asked why he called. he told me he's got something important to tell me. he then told me he likes me and that he feels really sad that i am away. i was dumbfounded. the words that i was hoping he would tell me for the past several years is now spoken to me. by the very man that didn't talk to me up until a couple of weeks ago. something is not right. i wish this never happens to me. its probably one of the worst feelings one could ever go through, to lose someone not because of the lack of feelings but because of the lack of courage. to know that you have both loved each other but could never be because its too late. it would hurt like hell especially when all those time that you were loving the person, he has made you believe he doesnt care a thing about you...and it pained you all those times. it hurts to lose something you have always wished to have, then find out later that you had it after all...you just didnt know. it hurts to wonder what could have been and realize that you will never know....
we talked for hours. i kept asking him why and why just now. i was already seeing someone else. i cried. i just can't let go of that someone just easily, for him. i told him he had me since i was in the first grade and now that i was a freshman in college, he would tell me that he loves me but it was only then when he realized. when he saw me get on that bus. i kept on blaming him. i was there all the time. he never saw me. he never talked to me and then he'd tell me that he loves me? where's the sense in that? ~~ate yohwee
i wish this never happens to me. its probably one of the worst feelings one could ever go through, to lose someone not because of the lack of feelings but because of the lack of courage. to know that you have both loved each other but could never be because its too late. it would hurt like hell especially when all those time that you were loving the person, he has made you believe he doesnt care a thing about you...and it pained you all those times. it hurts to lose something you have always wished to have, then find out later that you had it after all...you just didnt know. it hurts to wonder what could have been and realize that you will never know....
You are the pilot.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
broken wings was pilot. me too? "there is a great something missing in your life"..--> that must be why me, falling star, is also like broken wings.
kaya sumayaw ako at nagtatalon sa room ko so i could burn some fats. laki na tummy at binti ko e. i swear im getting fat. aaargh.
pero recently ang gulo talaga ng utak ko. ewan. feeling ko ang layu layo ko na kay Lord at mas lumalayo pa as days pass by. kaya after ko sayaw, inopen ko door ng veranda ko para magpahangin, tingnan yung labas habang nakikinig ng praise songs sa yahoo, at try na makipag-usap ulit sa Kanya. tagal ko na hindi pray e.
tos ewan. hindi talaga pwedeng kausapin ko si God na hindi ko siya minimention e. ewan ko ba...gustung-gusto ko siya. sobra ko syang like. pag nalaman ko nga na may like syang iba, iiyak ako ng madaming madami. malulungkot talaga ako. pero hindi ko naman masabi sa kanya. siguro mapride lang ako, o ilusyonada o ewan..pero sana naman kung magkakaroon ako sana kahit papaano pinaghirapan naman nya ako.... gusto ko ma-hug nya ko someday. gusto ko someday makaholding hands ko siya. gusto ko someday makangiti kami sa isat-isa knowing na we have each other...siya nga background display ng pc ko e. kase gusto ko masanay ako na tinitingnan siya para hindi nako maiilang pag andyan siya. sabi ni ate its now or never daw. nakakalungkot kase alam ko naman na meant kaming maghiwalay after a few months pero hindi ko pa din kayang itry na maging closer sa kanya habang andyan pa sya. kase everytime i do, something goes wrong. minsan feeling ko i have reasons to believe na gusto din nya ko. pero siguro hindi tulad ng pagkalike ko sa kanya. hindi naman siguro sya umiiyak at around 3 am in the morning praying and thinking about me, tulad ng ginagawa ko ngayon no? alam ko hindi lahat ng gusto ko, i deserve to have...pero sana pag-isipan syang mabuti ni Lord.
after ko siyang ikuwento kay Lord. naiyak ulit ako at natuwa kase yung next song na nagplay is "God will make a way"...
(kelangan tagalog kase di nila dapat malaman na like ko siya ng ganito..)
*nung isang araw...binisita ako ng friend ko sa room ko tos wala..habang nag-uusap kami, natanong nya kung gusto ko pa si _ . _., tos ewan i cant say i do. sabi ko lang i think so. buti na lang hindi ko mininimize yung internet windows, kung hindi nakita sana nya na si _._. ang background image ng pc ko. dati kase ayaw ko siyang display kase feeling ko nakatingin sya sakin kahit anong gawin ko sa room pero ngayon medyo i dont mind na...gusto ko lang talagang masanay na nakikita siya. haaaaay. silly me*
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch yousleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says,
Find a girl who calls you baby faced instead of hot or sexy,
who can't stand it when you hang up on her and calls right back,
who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who doesn't care what you look like,
but what's inside counts the most,
Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips,
who wants to be with you in public,
even ifyou wear those old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,
Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy,
who makes you smile just by knowing she loves you back...
~~okay...ill wait but one question, there still is such a guy right? hehehe. dont want to wait in vain.
my pic on msn has that message written...
and timo said, trying to fly usually ends up like that and speaking metaphorically, you're just being pessimistic. and told me to cheer up. so i said, ofcourse..im cheered up/cheery/cheerful... its just i usually appear un-genki than i really am on my msn names...but yep..i am genki...and he said:...wouldn't believe you were really sad. Always so smily when I saw you.
am i? that made me think...have i really become pessimistic? being pessimistic could mean many things. it could mean im cynical, fed up, dispirited, depressed, hopeless..or just plainly unhappy. AM I?
i dont know. recently ive been out of sorts. just unwell. i would wake up and the day would end and i'd close my eyes to sleep thinking ive never really done anything worthwhile that day. if this is just a phase, i wish it would pass soon coz this feeling really sucks.
id still smile. outside i always wear my smile but behind that smile is so many things even i dont understand. something sapped me of my energy. i want to be okay again.
now that hours have passed and i could think better, i guess i may have over acted a bit a while ago. see? love..i mean deep like really sucks. it makes you act in countless weird ways.
anyway i still cant post on my very own blog . that sucks too. im writing this now on my wordpad and hoping i could someday post this. *silently screaming*
i did a really stupidly embarrassing thing a while ago. i messaged him (but thas not the stupidly embarrassing part just yet)..the conversation went on like this...
me: signing online without even saying hello *that icon with a rolling eyes*. hehehe. just kidding. *smile* ohayou.
~~eerrr..it makes me sad just remembering it..huhuhuhu..but okay..ill go on~~
him: *big smile icon*
~~explanation: coz my msn screename was about that me going anti-love blah blah. okay now back to conversation~~
me: because love just gives you a headache
me: guys get headaches too? but that's a girl's job..to get headaches, that is *rolling eyes icon*
him: depends on the person
now this is where the embarrassing part comes in..miryll signed in and i told im trying to chat with him now but that i dont know what to say anymore..so she asked what we were talking about..so i copied our conversation and was going to send it to miryll, and i did...at least for a few seconds there i thought i sent it to her until i realized that the picture on the conversation box i pasted it and sent it wasn't miryll's but him!!!right then and there i wish i died. panic to the Nth level!!!
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh. you cant imagine how worried i was!!! i told him it was a wrong sent plus i said i shouldnt have send that. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. it was really embarrassing!!! i almost died. and i did, for a few minutes, that is.
i should be calmed down by now. i was also chatting with kelly and miryll..and i was adviced to breathe, relax, breathe more and was told that everything happens for a reason, that it wasnt that bad, that everyone makes mistakes, that im being irrationally worried over what he might be thinking, and was also told that he probably wondered about it for a few minutes and then forgot all about it. *i just died again* its so unfair. he probably did just think about it for a few minutes and went on to other more important thoughts WHILE its making me worried to death. im crazy and its all his fault. deep like sucks. its supposed to be just m.c. for minor crush...why am i so illogically worried? i want to fade.
...its just that im so tired of falling on the ground. its painful, you know?
i was looking on my "the things i like in a boy" list and i just realized...im impossible, and im looking for someone impossible that just doesnt exist. like number 8: someone who wouldn't mind travelling for 3 hours just to see me in 10 minutes. i didnt literally mean that. what i meant was someone who would tolerate going through a lot of trouble for me..even if it doesnt make sense. but that guy's unreal. no one would do that for me. at least i know mc wouldnt. mc is not number 8...
its just yesterday, i went to ueno park for sakura viewing with him and the others...and err..i was carrying this heavy-but-not-really book i got from the morning econ orientation for the coming sem that just wont fit in my bag, and since we were going out for a walk, i wouldnt want to be carrying that book all afternoon...so i, errr...i asked him if there's still space inside his bag for another book..and well, there's no more space (but it was really heavy already though...uhh..err..he made me carry it for a second to feel how heavy it was). I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED!?! stupid me. *sigh* its just that...not too long ago, someone used to offer to carry my books for me...but what was i thinking?! mc's not that someone in the past (previous three words emphasized)...plus he doesnt like me!?! DUH!!! what was i expecting anyway?
maybe i should rethink and undo my list. coz no one will ever measure up to that. now that i have come to think about it, my list is basically referring to a certain superman...someone you'ld only find in movies, or fairy tales, or love novels. but am never marrying a movie star, or a fairy tale/novel character!!!! were not movie stars. yes were all actresses and actors playing in our very own sometimes messy lives that doesnt have the perfect script nor the perfect story line...but its no movie, its real and real people sometimes have heavy bags and they just cant carry your stuff for you. *sigh* and if im imperfect myself, why expect perfection from someone else? and i maybe i should also rethink my attachment to you'll-wish-this-is-your-love-story movies that almost always make guys appear almost perfect in the end...coz that's FICTION in bold capital letters.
i am a bit scared though. coz i had soOo much fun yesterday bonding with miryll (my ever loyal blog subscriber ^_* ) and hanging out with mc and the others. (see im always saying mc and the others!?! whats up with that?! the others also have a name!!!silly falling star *sigh*). what's scary is, the only thing he did yesterday was tap my cap for a number of times and touch this cold canned drink on my left cheeks (and i even remember which side of my cheeks it was!) and yet it made me smile that silly smile all the way home. that's not good for my health...or rather my heart. almost a year ago, i was smiling that smile wihout even noticing it (sasabihin na lang ni fhilcar o ni tita eve na nakangiti na naman daw ako) but i ended up with a broken heart for months. i dont want to cry again over a heartache. but its good, right?..him being friendly somehow?
and i didnt sleep all night for this. ^_^ i just got a bit bored with the polka dots one plus the fact that there are probably a thousand other people using that template..but i actually like it better than this though. coz with this new template, my journ entry's title wont appear and there's no link where u can post comments (i have to figure out how to do that)...so we just have to make do with my chatterbox for the meantime. although i kind of miss the polka dots template, i just decided to keep this coz it kept me awake all night so i couldnt just discard it like that. ^_^ but it was fun. its soOo me..soOo falling star.
last thursday i said bye to two people ive become very fond of.
i cried at yonbansen when the narita express dashed off...but atleast i was with tanhon okaasan when i did. it was really sad. i dont even know if ill ever see them again.
i'll definitely miss having them around. i dont know how we clicked, but somehow we did and somehow we started acting as if weve been friends since ages ago. she'd bully me into doing something i dont really feel like doing and id end up raising my white flag surrendering to her but actually end up enjoying it anyway..like when she forced me to go to akihabara with her kaiwa classmates, or to toys are us at ikebukuro, or down at the computer room during break time when before ive made it a no-entry-as-much-as-possible zone (in my constant struggle to avoid you-know-who), or when she asked me to stay a bit longer and spoil her when she wanted to go back to this mangga shop at akihabara to go get more fruits basket capsule toys. she'd accompany me to combini even when shes been there only minutes ago, she'd (her and laverne) suffer eating boring combini foods with me during lunch with our okaasan....sigh...and i remember when we went to meet up with her at shinjuku south exit (to toys are us) and the moment we saw each other, we ran towards each other and hugged as if weve never seen each other for centuries..and while she was waiting there for us she was like "if only kathleen were here, shed know where this exit is..."
id miss her..im missing her now! id miss our post office and combini trips....id miss having a twin sister. we'd always say were twin sisters, only were a little bit different...her being tall and blonde and all..and me short, black-haired.
she and laverne would always kid me about marrying their brothers...kelly would say you should marry my brother so youd become an american citizen and well see each other often..and laverne would be like you wont die an old maid coz youll marry my brother, he likes someone who can cook but nevermind, he doesnt need to know you cant cook coz ill cook for you. and i would be like, does your brother know your getting him (well them..kelly's and laverne's) engaged to some girl they havent even seen?! aaaahhh, ill miss them both. ill marry either of their brother if i could...but they'd understand why i cant. and im sure theyre only kidding (except that they almost always look serious when they offer their brothers for marriage..^_^)
to the two of you...im sending loads of hugs and blowing ippai kisses (they should arrive there soon)..and im singing a song while doing it (its not how long we held each others hand, what matters is how well we loved each other~~what matters most)
i was chatting with a friend a while ago. it was a not-TOO-LONG-but-id-rather-NOT-say story how we became friends but anyway i asked him how he's been and he said, u know wat pain doesnt decompose when u bury them...you have to live with it. --------------------from ate yohwee: Falling Star asked me "how can i love as if it never hurts when i know it does?" ~~ when you love, be prepared to get hurt. it isn't always flowers and rainbows, you also have to be prepared when the rain comes. when i say "love like it's never gonna hurt", what i mean is, to love but be prepared to get hurt cause you will never appreciate love unless you've experienced pain. nevermind the pain, as long as you love, that's all that matters. who knows it will be worth it in the end. you will not also know if it will hurt you or not unless you try to love. Falling Star, i know that you've been jaded, but don't give up on love because you've experienced pain. take a breather, but instead of losing hope, believe. love is not blind but faith is. hang on. ~~
it got me thinking for a while...and my reply was, u dont have to live with pain forever...it doesnt decompose but it evaporates..at least mine did.
i always thought that once youre broken...the scars will remain forever.
i dont think that way anymore. pain can exhaust your strength, emotions, and tears for a while...maybe a really lOong while, but it cant hurt you forever. no one is forever broken.
i can only speak for myself but for the twenty one years that i have existed, i have been severely hurt by two men (or rather two immature boys) and although it almost felt impossible to heal then, now im all knit...all in one piece again...and i only have a faint memory of how hurt i was then, no, in fact i dont remember the feeling anymore.
--------------------from ate yohwee:
Falling Star asked me "how can i love as if it never hurts when i know it does?"
~~ when you love, be prepared to get hurt. it isn't always flowers and rainbows, you also have to be prepared when the rain comes. when i say "love like it's never gonna hurt", what i mean is, to love but be prepared to get hurt cause you will never appreciate love unless you've experienced pain. nevermind the pain, as long as you love, that's all that matters. who knows it will be worth it in the end. you will not also know if it will hurt you or not unless you try to love. Falling Star, i know that you've been jaded, but don't give up on love because you've experienced pain. take a breather, but instead of losing hope, believe. love is not blind but faith is. hang on. ~~
i was out of Tokyo last week. but the best thing really was this...when i got home, i went out to wash my clothes, leaving my door unlocked, and when i went back to my room, i was trying to clear my bed of all my kalat and when i turned i realized something beautiful is over my laptop...and i saw this... i wont lie...when i first saw this i kind of hoped m.c. asked someone to give it to me...but that's fiction. it was from wenwen..and though it wasnt from m.c. as i had first predicted it, i was soOo happy to have received it. it was the best sight i ever laid eyes on that week. katuwa pa kase super messy talaga ng room ko and seeing it was..just...wonderful.
i left with my seminar classmates on the night of 20th (sunday) and stayed with them at Osaka until wednesday afternoon and went to stay with my filipina friend until the 26th (sat).
well it was fun except for some moments when i find nothing else to talk about with my seminar classmates that's covered by my limited japanese speaking capability. well im the only exchange student in our seminar class..in other words, theyre all japanese and it just so happened that my seminar classmates are part of that japanese population that could handle english conversation for a maximum of one minute and beyond that they'd just stare at you in the face until you realize youre not making any sense anymore...but theyre really nice though, if only i could speak fluent jap..-_-:.
it was fun but i cant help thinking how it would be soOo much nicer if my family were there enjoying the trip with me...or at least the girls (miryll, claire, wenwen...).
last week i...
but the best thing really was this...when i got home, i went out to wash my clothes, leaving my door unlocked, and when i went back to my room, i was trying to clear my bed of all my kalat and when i turned i realized something beautiful is over my laptop...and i saw this...
i wont lie...when i first saw this i kind of hoped m.c. asked someone to give it to me...but that's fiction. it was from wenwen..and though it wasnt from m.c. as i had first predicted it, i was soOo happy to have received it. it was the best sight i ever laid eyes on that week. katuwa pa kase super messy talaga ng room ko and seeing it was..just...wonderful.
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
|How to make a Falling Star|
1/2 cup of naivety
3/4 cup of laughter
1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!*
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...