i seriously need to re-evaluate how i see my life...how i see myself.
im a mess right now. but it doesnt mean i have to be like this forever. it always ends up like this whenever i start falling in like with someone. the insecurities i thought were buried a long long time ago always comes back to hunt me. falling in like should be a happy feeling. but why cant it be that way with me? its always a sad start that ends with more tears and sadness. then i'd be back on my feet again, only to fall in like again, exposing myself to pain then ending up with a heart broken again. its a cycle. im going around in circle and i want to bail out of it. but i dont know how...
now its richard. i dont even know why i like him. maybe because sometimes i think he sees me differently, then again sometimes it feels like he doesnt care at all. or maybe its his smile. maybe because im happy just looking at him from afar. maybe because i like the way he laughs. maybe sometimes my heart is just looking for a place to belong to...for some reason for it to beat.only it falls for the wrong guys. why cant it like the guys who like me? why does it have to be the guys who are so out of my league? why does it have to be richard now?
okay i have to try to think well here...
i dont exactly know if he likes me or not. its just that i dont love myself that i fear he couldnt love me too (or even just like). when he's around, i couldnt be myself. he makes me so uncomfortable that i wish i can just get rid of the feeling. but i guess that never was an easy thing to do, for anyone.
im afraid that when he's around, i might say the wrong things. i fear that he might see through me and see the things i dont like about my self that he wouldnt like me too.
but what can i do? No single guy i really liked, cried gallons of tears for, has ever returned my feelings. then again none of them knew. all the pointless crying and the painful heartbreaks in the silence of my room...you cant help it--it drags you down and makes you feel unspecial, unpretty, unperfect for anyone...how can i get back on track? how can i escape from the paradigm i breathe in? how can i make myself believe that despite the tears i am meant for someone special too..that i am special too?
i feel so sad for myself for adding to my misery. if theres one person who should love myself, it should be me and yet even that i cant do.i only love myself when i do something right and when...at times, i fall below my miss-perfect standard, i punish myself by thinking i could have done better than that. i should feel happy and lucky just to be me. i mean, im pretty...i am beautiful...maybe not by hollywood standards or some posh magazine standards but i am beautiful. im smart, im in the best university in the philippines and im running for honor, and i got this scholarship. how many people had wanted to be in my shoes? and all my friends tell me im crazy and stubborn for thinking im unpretty. i am not tall but does it even matter? i dont choose friends based on their measurement anyway. i am not that fat either. actually i really am not fat. and my friends like my smile. it is so beautiful it can hide all my pain inside. you wouldnt know i am crying inside because my smile can hide it all. i am not rich but my family and i live a decent life. we dont live in luxury but we always have enough. now these thoughts really make me cry...how could i have not seen this before? how could i add more to my pain and my load? how could i not love myself? how could i ask for more when i always try me best? how could i not see i always try to live up to my own expectations but that i am only human and i am bound to make mistakes?
sigh..
if richard or some guy doesnt like me for who i am, ate joey is right, they are not worth my tears. i can cry and theres nothing wrong with crying but i didnt lose anything worth keeping. and i wouldnt say its their loss because they have all the right to choose their happiness and if they think they couldnt find it with me, i shouldnt take it against myself. its their choice and it has nothing to do with me. it doesnt mean im crap. it doesnt make me less special. i am still perfect just being me. i am just meant for someone else.
this is part of what ate joey told me a while ago...'kasi naman kat..siguro mataas lang yung standard mo sa beauty kaya ganun ka na lang ka insecure pero you know what..stop looking at magazines because it would only make you feel unpretty and insecure..for me..the most beautiful people in the world are those whose beauty transcends appearance..like my mom and my friends...if other people won't like me because i don't look 'pretty' like them...to hell with them! real women have curves my dear...we love you for what you are and if those guys won't like you because of your appearance then they don't deserve evey second of your attention..i hope richard is not like that'
she is right.
i will be alright from now on...i hope.
This is very interesting site... » »
By Anonymous, at 8:06 PM
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
How to make a Falling Star |
Ingredients: 1/2 cup of naivety 3/4 cup of laughter 1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity |
Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!* |
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...
in the movie "in the mood for love," if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole...then they cover it with mud, leaving the secret there forever...
this is my hole...