Friday, December 31, 2004
everything's moving so fast...
a lot has happened since then...
i have learned to accept the fact that maybe my friend was just too young to realize that it would hurt me big time to just suddenly find out she's with the guy i was ranting to her about for months. summer came and i met *a**h (haha!), fell in like again (which by the way was not my fault this time because it was him who did all these nice and sweet things to me like carrying my things, paying for my photocopy, walking home with me after our afternoon classes...), got my heart broken, and after innumerable rolls of tissue, i realized that hearts can heal faster than we think they could.
then i found out i wont be graduating with my batchmates because i got accepted in this scholarship. now im here, having friday movie nights with girls i never even thought i'd meet and be friends with...and (surprise!surprise!) falling in like all over again despite my promise to never allow any guy to cause my heart to make somersaults while im here.
then i got this utterly sad news from home that lolo will never ever be physically present anymore after months when he was diagnosed with cancer. *tears*
and just last month, i turned twenty one. i'm soOo not a teen anymore (in theory, that is). from now on i will be twenty-something and it wont be long until my age wont even be on the calendar...
*sigh*
everything just seems to move so fast. days pass by in a snap, and hours pass like they never even came.
its sometimes comforting to know that when we're in the dumps, we wont stay there long because before we know it, were smiling back again. but sometimes, it is scary. maybe its just me. it scares me that no matter how i plan my "tomorrows," none of it will turn out exactly the way i conceive it. and it scares me that i have no power to freeze time when i see something dreadful coming. like this february, my seminar class (that one where everyone else is japanese and im the only exchange student) decided WITHOUT my consent that i will be singing in the farewell party for the graduating students. my only hope is that its not a solo performance because THAT IS SUICIDE...no, nOt suicide but deliberate homicide. seriously though, some things are really terrifying...like dying without having a taste of your dream, or being the person you swear youll never become, or letting time pass while willingly allowing this someone, you wish to be with, walk away. because time moves so fast that without really intending it, you let some important things pass and before you know it, you missed the chance.
then again, if i come to think about it, it doesnt make any sense to be petrified about the future. if there's one thing i should know by now, it is that no matter how messy and horrible things may seem, everything ends up okay in the end...and that most of my fears are illogical. turns out, i need not fear after all. like when i was a kid, i used to fear going to high school. i dont know, coz they get loads of homework and i see my sister practicing speech all the time. i dont really know. there's just something in me that fears change...*sigh*
everything does moves soOo fast, but i'm sure i'll do just fine.
it still feels like yesterday when i had this whole day of SOBfest with my bestfriend after finding out my UCC (ultimate college crush) and my friend are...well...you know. i dont remember anymore how many rolls of tissue i've consumed but it sure didnt feel like a year ago.
a lot has happened since then...
i have learned to accept the fact that maybe my friend was just too young to realize that it would hurt me big time to just suddenly find out she's with the guy i was ranting to her about for months. summer came and i met *a**h (haha!), fell in like again (which by the way was not my fault this time because it was him who did all these nice and sweet things to me like carrying my things, paying for my photocopy, walking home with me after our afternoon classes...), got my heart broken, and after innumerable rolls of tissue, i realized that hearts can heal faster than we think they could.
then i found out i wont be graduating with my batchmates because i got accepted in this scholarship. now im here, having friday movie nights with girls i never even thought i'd meet and be friends with...and (surprise!surprise!) falling in like all over again despite my promise to never allow any guy to cause my heart to make somersaults while im here.
then i got this utterly sad news from home that lolo will never ever be physically present anymore after months when he was diagnosed with cancer. *tears*
and just last month, i turned twenty one. i'm soOo not a teen anymore (in theory, that is). from now on i will be twenty-something and it wont be long until my age wont even be on the calendar...
*sigh*
everything just seems to move so fast. days pass by in a snap, and hours pass like they never even came.
its sometimes comforting to know that when we're in the dumps, we wont stay there long because before we know it, were smiling back again. but sometimes, it is scary. maybe its just me. it scares me that no matter how i plan my "tomorrows," none of it will turn out exactly the way i conceive it. and it scares me that i have no power to freeze time when i see something dreadful coming. like this february, my seminar class (that one where everyone else is japanese and im the only exchange student) decided WITHOUT my consent that i will be singing in the farewell party for the graduating students. my only hope is that its not a solo performance because THAT IS SUICIDE...no, nOt suicide but deliberate homicide. seriously though, some things are really terrifying...like dying without having a taste of your dream, or being the person you swear youll never become, or letting time pass while willingly allowing this someone, you wish to be with, walk away. because time moves so fast that without really intending it, you let some important things pass and before you know it, you missed the chance.
then again, if i come to think about it, it doesnt make any sense to be petrified about the future. if there's one thing i should know by now, it is that no matter how messy and horrible things may seem, everything ends up okay in the end...and that most of my fears are illogical. turns out, i need not fear after all. like when i was a kid, i used to fear going to high school. i dont know, coz they get loads of homework and i see my sister practicing speech all the time. i dont really know. there's just something in me that fears change...*sigh*
everything does moves soOo fast, but i'm sure i'll do just fine.
caught a falling star @ 1:22 AM
2...comments
Sunday, December 26, 2004
why i cant hope of being with him...
but back to the big WHY...
i cant hope of being with him because...for one, i have always hoped of being with a Filipino. its just that with a filipino, i can express to him all my thoughts, all my feelings...no language barrier...less reason for things to be left unsaid. a filipino guy can understand me better. a filipino guy will...just know. same culture, almost the same beliefs--less complicated. who wants things to be complicated anyway?
in less than 9 months, we'll separate ways. once i board that plane back home, i doubt if ill ever see him again. why invest too much emotions in something im not sure will stay? that spells more pain. why do i have a penchant for things that will only hurt me anyway? stupid stupid me.
even if there's a possibility of seeing him. he'll still be away for years. he lives in china and studies in england, while im back home. okay maybe were not too far from each other, hey we're still underneath the same sky...but the thing is, i'm not rich. i cant just go visit him whenever i feel like it. even if i have the money to get to see him in england, in the philippines, i can use that amount to feed a hundred homeless kids for weeks. imagine how guilty i'd feel supposed i take that trip. i'd be guilty and broke after that--not a very happy situation to be in.
lets suppose we end up together before the end of this scholarship...okay then there comes an us. but how long will that 'us' last? do long distance relationships really work out? i will be in my last year of college while he'll be on his third year. i will be very busy doing thesis, then after that, ill be occupied with finding a job. and if im lucky and do land on my dream job itll take most of my time, atleast for the first year while im still adjusting. but while im going through all that harrassment and torture, will he be patient and faithful enough to make it last a bit longer? imagine the teeny-weeny possibility of there being an us multiplied by the close to zero probability of him learning to love me deep enough to be willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship last long? that's 1 in a trillion. *deepdeepsigh*...i just want to be with someone i can spend time with.
and my number one requirement is for my special someone to have faith in God. i cant be with someone who doesnt believe in Him. i just cant...period. but him...well, he's chinese. i dont think he believes in God. that's a deadend.
not to mention, he's too tall for me...not that height matters.
aaargh.
its 26th of december. somehow i feel im not too far from God. somehow it feels like right now, im supposed to be where i am...that somehow things are okay. somehow it feels like i have nothing to worry about...that somehow i am part of this family. and im so glad i have them here in tokyo while my family is miles away from me.
but back to the big WHY...
i cant hope of being with him because...for one, i have always hoped of being with a Filipino. its just that with a filipino, i can express to him all my thoughts, all my feelings...no language barrier...less reason for things to be left unsaid. a filipino guy can understand me better. a filipino guy will...just know. same culture, almost the same beliefs--less complicated. who wants things to be complicated anyway?
in less than 9 months, we'll separate ways. once i board that plane back home, i doubt if ill ever see him again. why invest too much emotions in something im not sure will stay? that spells more pain. why do i have a penchant for things that will only hurt me anyway? stupid stupid me.
even if there's a possibility of seeing him. he'll still be away for years. he lives in china and studies in england, while im back home. okay maybe were not too far from each other, hey we're still underneath the same sky...but the thing is, i'm not rich. i cant just go visit him whenever i feel like it. even if i have the money to get to see him in england, in the philippines, i can use that amount to feed a hundred homeless kids for weeks. imagine how guilty i'd feel supposed i take that trip. i'd be guilty and broke after that--not a very happy situation to be in.
lets suppose we end up together before the end of this scholarship...okay then there comes an us. but how long will that 'us' last? do long distance relationships really work out? i will be in my last year of college while he'll be on his third year. i will be very busy doing thesis, then after that, ill be occupied with finding a job. and if im lucky and do land on my dream job itll take most of my time, atleast for the first year while im still adjusting. but while im going through all that harrassment and torture, will he be patient and faithful enough to make it last a bit longer? imagine the teeny-weeny possibility of there being an us multiplied by the close to zero probability of him learning to love me deep enough to be willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship last long? that's 1 in a trillion. *deepdeepsigh*...i just want to be with someone i can spend time with.
and my number one requirement is for my special someone to have faith in God. i cant be with someone who doesnt believe in Him. i just cant...period. but him...well, he's chinese. i dont think he believes in God. that's a deadend.
not to mention, he's too tall for me...not that height matters.
aaargh.
caught a falling star @ 11:58 PM
4...comments
Monday, December 20, 2004
***about my after serendipity post...i didnt mean to say that i didnt like people reading my page...i didnt mean that at all. its just me...when i realized people are reading my journ, i became more conscious about what i write. like i would think..uh-oh, stop those mc talks, youre boring them. but i realized that it shouldnt be that way. this is my hole. it shouldnt matter what people would think about what i write, because after all im doing this for myself. so yeah, you guys just go on reading as long as you like...okies?***
caught a falling star @ 8:18 PM
3...comments
more...more...more...
"Are you a dreamer?(Do you fly high above the clouds or are your feet planted firmly on the ground?)"
result:
Your quota of dreaminess is above average, and the fantasies in your sleep are mild compared to the flaky ones that flash on when you're wide awake! If you're stuck in class with a teacher droning on and on about tapeworms, you tune out and flip to another channel in your head for a romantic dream about your favorite celeb.
"Can You Get What You Want?(A better grade or a bigger allowance��t all depends on how well you negotiate.)"
result:
The Doormat
Your philosophy is, "I can live without it if someone else wants it more." That's noble, but what if it's something you really want, like a spot in the team? Jot down what you want and stick to it. If that gets you nowhere, your quest doesn't have to end there--find out why you didn't get what you wanted. The truth may be hard to swallow, but at least it takes a bit of the bite out of rejection.
*can i just react violently here?! me doormat?! that's soo untrue!
and they also say that handwriting is like our thumbprint. like how you form your letters, space out words, and angle your writing reveals a lot about who you are, your secret dreams, and passions. take word spacing, for example. www.candymag.com says that the space between words indicates how one fits yourself into her environment.
i examined mine...here goes: Sometimes closely and sometimes not, you have a relaxed take on life. You're able to chill out on your own without feeling lonely, but you also welcome a girls' night out with your friends when you feel like it.
took more quizzes...
"Are you a dreamer?(Do you fly high above the clouds or are your feet planted firmly on the ground?)"
result:
Your quota of dreaminess is above average, and the fantasies in your sleep are mild compared to the flaky ones that flash on when you're wide awake! If you're stuck in class with a teacher droning on and on about tapeworms, you tune out and flip to another channel in your head for a romantic dream about your favorite celeb.
"Can You Get What You Want?(A better grade or a bigger allowance��t all depends on how well you negotiate.)"
result:
The Doormat
Your philosophy is, "I can live without it if someone else wants it more." That's noble, but what if it's something you really want, like a spot in the team? Jot down what you want and stick to it. If that gets you nowhere, your quest doesn't have to end there--find out why you didn't get what you wanted. The truth may be hard to swallow, but at least it takes a bit of the bite out of rejection.
*can i just react violently here?! me doormat?! that's soo untrue!
and they also say that handwriting is like our thumbprint. like how you form your letters, space out words, and angle your writing reveals a lot about who you are, your secret dreams, and passions. take word spacing, for example. www.candymag.com says that the space between words indicates how one fits yourself into her environment.
i examined mine...here goes: Sometimes closely and sometimes not, you have a relaxed take on life. You're able to chill out on your own without feeling lonely, but you also welcome a girls' night out with your friends when you feel like it.
caught a falling star @ 7:02 PM
0...comments
Scaredy-Cat
*sighsighsigh* here's my result:
Scaredy-Cat
Past experiences and horror stories from friends leave you too scared to fall in love. Burst out of your cocoon and take the risk! Who knows? Your happy ending may just be waiting to happen.
i know im scaredy-cat but past experiences and horror stories from friends never leave me scared to fall in love. that's not what scares me coz i always believe that its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. what scares me is the thought that what if he doesnt like me or could not like me the way i like him? that would crush my ego...and leave me crying for days...even weeks. that's awful. and scary to the nth power. i might not be able to believe in love anymore. i might be scared to open up again, or think that no one can ever return my feelings. not to mention that that would undoubtedly make me go through another horrible insecurity attack. okay...now im petrified.
i wish i were a kid all the time. you know how the thought of falling-in-love makes them go yuck..? if only i were a kid forever...love/like will never ever worry me coz i wouldnt have anything to do with it.
but snap back to reality--that's not possible. i should probably stop thinking too much coz my mind's punishing me with these dreadful thoughts that might not even happen. aargh.
took this quiz about "How Hard Do You Fall? (When it comes to love, are you too scared to jump off the cliff or have you already crashed to the bottom of the river?)"...
*sighsighsigh* here's my result:
Scaredy-Cat
Past experiences and horror stories from friends leave you too scared to fall in love. Burst out of your cocoon and take the risk! Who knows? Your happy ending may just be waiting to happen.
i know im scaredy-cat but past experiences and horror stories from friends never leave me scared to fall in love. that's not what scares me coz i always believe that its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. what scares me is the thought that what if he doesnt like me or could not like me the way i like him? that would crush my ego...and leave me crying for days...even weeks. that's awful. and scary to the nth power. i might not be able to believe in love anymore. i might be scared to open up again, or think that no one can ever return my feelings. not to mention that that would undoubtedly make me go through another horrible insecurity attack. okay...now im petrified.
i wish i were a kid all the time. you know how the thought of falling-in-love makes them go yuck..? if only i were a kid forever...love/like will never ever worry me coz i wouldnt have anything to do with it.
but snap back to reality--that's not possible. i should probably stop thinking too much coz my mind's punishing me with these dreadful thoughts that might not even happen. aargh.
caught a falling star @ 6:26 PM
1...comments
i let him slip away
i believe in signs, in soulmates, in fortunate accidents, in fate...i believe everything happens for a perfect reason. like in serendipity, i used to believe that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences but rather a tapestry of events that ends in an exquisite and sublime plan. that someone out there is destined to be with me. and when the universe finally reveals him to me, everything will be alright and i will find that it was worth all those years of waiting. i used to believe that. but recently the waiting felt more tiring and seemingly never-ending. it felt like this would go on forever. what could possibly be wrong with me? why have all the guys i ever liked, never returned my feelings?...even if they did like me back, was i not special enough for them to risk walking up to me?
in the movie, sarah said something like "it was a million and a half hours ago...this guy i dont even remember except for this vague picture inside my head. it was only a few seconds, a fragment really, but it was like in that moment, the whole universe existed just to bring us together"...and it made me cry. i dont know. maybe because im half jealous and half happy that for some people it actually happens. and sad too that, i canNOT foresee any possibility of such kind of thing happening to me in the near future (neither in the distant distant future).
im afraid that there actually is a thing called fate...but that it only works for some people...sadly though, it has forgotten me. that all this time i just let things happen...just waiting for the stars to align itself for me, only to find in the end that im waiting in vain because it never will. that all this time, i just stood there, did nothing, and let him slip away because i left my chances to fate.
i let him slip away. and this other 'him' now, im afraid i might let him slip away too. im afraid im not brave enough to take the risk that will make him stay. this is just all new to me. i cant imagine myself doing it. why cant just fate work its magic on me?! why cant i just wait...while everything take its course? i know...i promised no more mc talk. i cant help it.
im such a hopeless romantic...no let me rephrase that--i'm superstitious and helplessly hopeless romantic...reason why i love movies like serendipity, sweet november...
i believe in signs, in soulmates, in fortunate accidents, in fate...i believe everything happens for a perfect reason. like in serendipity, i used to believe that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences but rather a tapestry of events that ends in an exquisite and sublime plan. that someone out there is destined to be with me. and when the universe finally reveals him to me, everything will be alright and i will find that it was worth all those years of waiting. i used to believe that. but recently the waiting felt more tiring and seemingly never-ending. it felt like this would go on forever. what could possibly be wrong with me? why have all the guys i ever liked, never returned my feelings?...even if they did like me back, was i not special enough for them to risk walking up to me?
in the movie, sarah said something like "it was a million and a half hours ago...this guy i dont even remember except for this vague picture inside my head. it was only a few seconds, a fragment really, but it was like in that moment, the whole universe existed just to bring us together"...and it made me cry. i dont know. maybe because im half jealous and half happy that for some people it actually happens. and sad too that, i canNOT foresee any possibility of such kind of thing happening to me in the near future (neither in the distant distant future).
im afraid that there actually is a thing called fate...but that it only works for some people...sadly though, it has forgotten me. that all this time i just let things happen...just waiting for the stars to align itself for me, only to find in the end that im waiting in vain because it never will. that all this time, i just stood there, did nothing, and let him slip away because i left my chances to fate.
i let him slip away. and this other 'him' now, im afraid i might let him slip away too. im afraid im not brave enough to take the risk that will make him stay. this is just all new to me. i cant imagine myself doing it. why cant just fate work its magic on me?! why cant i just wait...while everything take its course? i know...i promised no more mc talk. i cant help it.
caught a falling star @ 3:25 AM
6...comments
Sunday, December 19, 2004
after serendipity
it just made me want to write...
but the thing is...i dont know...its just that when i started blogging, i used to just jot down my thoughts and feelings without caring. like no one else but myself can ever know what it is. like in the movie "in the mood for love," where if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to the mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole. they cover it with mud and leave the secret there forever. this used to be my hole.
but recently, i met friends...who either read my posts because they can relate to my lamentations or just strangely find it a bit interesting...and then suddenly i find myself putting up this limit on what i could write...suddenly i just felt like i couldnt write the way i do. my hole was gone.
okay i'm crazy. what was i thinking?! this is a blog. of course, people can read or scan it anytime they want without my permission or without my knowing. [and did i just told my close friends to check it out after my excitement about my background music (thanx to shang 4 the b.g. by the way ^_^)?!]...
actually i dont really know what im trying to get at...i just want my hole back. i want to write without any care again. dont get me wrong, i dont want to isolate myself from the entire blogging community and block people from reading my thoughts (because that's not possible)...i guess i just want to say that from now on, i am making this my secret hole again. i will be writing without care like i used to...no more borders...just me, my thoughts, my feelings, all those sometimes empty pointless talks that goes in circle...i dont care...
just finished watching serendipity (after seeing it for a loong loOong time)...
it just made me want to write...
but the thing is...i dont know...its just that when i started blogging, i used to just jot down my thoughts and feelings without caring. like no one else but myself can ever know what it is. like in the movie "in the mood for love," where if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to the mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole. they cover it with mud and leave the secret there forever. this used to be my hole.
but recently, i met friends...who either read my posts because they can relate to my lamentations or just strangely find it a bit interesting...and then suddenly i find myself putting up this limit on what i could write...suddenly i just felt like i couldnt write the way i do. my hole was gone.
okay i'm crazy. what was i thinking?! this is a blog. of course, people can read or scan it anytime they want without my permission or without my knowing. [and did i just told my close friends to check it out after my excitement about my background music (thanx to shang 4 the b.g. by the way ^_^)?!]...
actually i dont really know what im trying to get at...i just want my hole back. i want to write without any care again. dont get me wrong, i dont want to isolate myself from the entire blogging community and block people from reading my thoughts (because that's not possible)...i guess i just want to say that from now on, i am making this my secret hole again. i will be writing without care like i used to...no more borders...just me, my thoughts, my feelings, all those sometimes empty pointless talks that goes in circle...i dont care...
caught a falling star @ 10:26 PM
2...comments
Saturday, December 18, 2004
ABOUT THE BACKGROUND MUSIC...
but to those who are deeply bothered to death by my music, please feel free to click the 'stop' icon on your toolbar...and it will leave you in peace. ^_^
i heard that not everyone is particularly amused by background music, but i like it anyway.
but to those who are deeply bothered to death by my music, please feel free to click the 'stop' icon on your toolbar...and it will leave you in peace. ^_^
caught a falling star @ 1:21 PM
2...comments
a place nearby
when i found out my granpapa died, i just couldn't stop the tears from falling. i still attended my afternoon class after i got the news, but my prof probably thought how strange i was for i would wipe my watery eyes every now and then. i dont know why i even went to that class when i was feeling immensely miserable. maybe i just wanted something to distract me. i didnt want to go home and be left alone in my room.
it shouldn't even come as a surprise to me but it still did. i mean, before i left manila, lolo was confined in the hospital for days already...and we knew he has cancer. but i guess no amount of preparation will ever make any difference...it still tears you apart.
it scares me...that people just go like that. you know...one day he's there and next thing you know, you'll never set eyes on him again. next thing you know he's gone forever. just fade like that.
i am never good with good byes.
i used to remember my lolo being this really strong figure. i see an image of him now riding his horse...and him laughing. but last i saw him, he seemed really weak but he still has this proud air about him [he wouldnt allow my aunt to support him while he's walking (i think he's just trying to project this image that he's still the lolo he used to be...strong, and all...)]
well, im sure lolo's in heaven now...i just wish for him to know that he made me cry a lot when he left...and he still makes me cry now...if only we could bring back time...
***the song***
I entered the room
Sat by your bed all through the night
I watched your daily fight
I hardly knew
The pain was almost more than I could bear
And still I hear Your last words to me.
Heaven is a place nearby
So I won't be so far away.
And if you try and look for me
Maybe you'll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby
So there's no need to say goodbye
I wanna ask you not to cry
I'll always be by your side.
You just faded away
You spread your wings you had flown
Away to something unknown
Wish I could bring you back.
You're always on my mind
About to tear myself apart.
You have your special place in my heart.
And even when I go to sleep
I still can hear your voice
And those wordsI never will forget
Heaven is a place nearby
So I won't be so far away.
And if you try and look for me
Maybe you'll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby
So there's no need to say goodbye
I wanna ask you not to cry
I'll always be by your side.
oh here's my other movie night buddy...^_^
me and my friday movie night buddies...^_^. verena's missing here though..=(. since im in tokyo now, i wouldnt be graduating with my batchmates this coming march...and i wont be in our yearbook too! sadness =(...but if there's one reason why i dont mind not having a yearbook [to show my future future daughter and grandaughters (that is, if i ever get married)]--its these girls. i'm so lucky to have met these girls, who would have thought? i mean we literally grew up in different time zones...we live that far from each other!
a place nearby--its a song by lene marlin which reminds me so much about lolo.
when i found out my granpapa died, i just couldn't stop the tears from falling. i still attended my afternoon class after i got the news, but my prof probably thought how strange i was for i would wipe my watery eyes every now and then. i dont know why i even went to that class when i was feeling immensely miserable. maybe i just wanted something to distract me. i didnt want to go home and be left alone in my room.
it shouldn't even come as a surprise to me but it still did. i mean, before i left manila, lolo was confined in the hospital for days already...and we knew he has cancer. but i guess no amount of preparation will ever make any difference...it still tears you apart.
it scares me...that people just go like that. you know...one day he's there and next thing you know, you'll never set eyes on him again. next thing you know he's gone forever. just fade like that.
i am never good with good byes.
i used to remember my lolo being this really strong figure. i see an image of him now riding his horse...and him laughing. but last i saw him, he seemed really weak but he still has this proud air about him [he wouldnt allow my aunt to support him while he's walking (i think he's just trying to project this image that he's still the lolo he used to be...strong, and all...)]
well, im sure lolo's in heaven now...i just wish for him to know that he made me cry a lot when he left...and he still makes me cry now...if only we could bring back time...
***the song***
I entered the room
Sat by your bed all through the night
I watched your daily fight
I hardly knew
The pain was almost more than I could bear
And still I hear Your last words to me.
Heaven is a place nearby
So I won't be so far away.
And if you try and look for me
Maybe you'll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby
So there's no need to say goodbye
I wanna ask you not to cry
I'll always be by your side.
You just faded away
You spread your wings you had flown
Away to something unknown
Wish I could bring you back.
You're always on my mind
About to tear myself apart.
You have your special place in my heart.
And even when I go to sleep
I still can hear your voice
And those wordsI never will forget
Heaven is a place nearby
So I won't be so far away.
And if you try and look for me
Maybe you'll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby
So there's no need to say goodbye
I wanna ask you not to cry
I'll always be by your side.
caught a falling star @ 9:21 AM
0...comments
Friday, December 17, 2004
oh here's my other movie night buddy...^_^
caught a falling star @ 1:31 PM
0...comments
me and my friday movie night buddies...^_^. verena's missing here though..=(. since im in tokyo now, i wouldnt be graduating with my batchmates this coming march...and i wont be in our yearbook too! sadness =(...but if there's one reason why i dont mind not having a yearbook [to show my future future daughter and grandaughters (that is, if i ever get married)]--its these girls. i'm so lucky to have met these girls, who would have thought? i mean we literally grew up in different time zones...we live that far from each other!
caught a falling star @ 1:30 PM
3...comments
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
wander girl
that was probably the first time i cried without really knowing why.
i dont know if it was the novel.
coz in the novel, helen said something to her little sister, hannah, "sweetie? how did you become this way? you were just this little baby i carried and now you're supergirl! why? why are you supergirl?". i can never understand my sister. (okay perfect...now am crying.) its just that, that remark sounds very much like ate. i have no idea why she thinks i'm this wondergirl. it would sometimes embarrass me coz she talks a lot about me to her friends... na "ahh..she can drive now! naunahan pako!!!", "ah si kL she got this scholarship again," "my sister's US/CS again."...*tears*. i miss my sister soo much. i can never understand why she thinks that way about me when it was her i adore so much.
when i was a kid, i always wanted to be ate. in highschool, the teachers can rememer me easily because im "kitty pie's sister." i dont know if it was her weird name that makes the teachers remember her, but im sure it was more than that. and it doesnt bother me that i'm just "kitty pie's sister"...im actually contented just being that. im really shallow...little things make me happy. (oh no...why am i sobbing now?!stop crying..you have a journal to finish!).*deepdeepsigh* i miss her soo much. i miss sharing beds with her and waking up at night but pretending im still sleeping while letting my sister put my blanket back and kissing me on my cheeks (coz going to med school keeps her awake until the wee hours studying). i used to wish i had an older brother but what would i need it for when i have an older brother and sister in my ate?! okay enough about ate or ill just cry non-stop...
there was also something in the novel about God. how Hilda almost lost her faith but in the end realized that she just cant unbelieve in something she believed in all along. its just that sometimes, i feel like am not being the christian Jesus would wish me to be. especially these past days. i rarely attend mass anymore. i dont pray that often anymore. i dont know. it feels like something's missing now.
another probable reason could be that, i just felt these past days have been quite demanding on me. there's just soo much to do with so little time. or that i actually have time, i just let it pass doing nothing when i should be doing my responsibilities. and the tears were possibly because it felt good sitting there reading, not worrying...not caring if other people in the cafe would wonder why the heck im crying that hard (with occassional pagsinga)...
or maybe i just miss home too much. i really miss home like super recently. while doing something i'd just suddenly have these images of katipunan or papa's kotse or sm supersale (where we always do our every sunday grocery), or whatever image from home, appear in my thoughts. and inside i would cry. i miss home.
and i miss christmas. yes there are christmas lights in some places here...malls, especially. but its not the same. i could NOT feel its christmas at all. and it makes me awfully sad because its my favorite time of the year and now it feels like i'll be missing it this year.
i really dont know why i cried. all i know is that something about me in that cafe is still with me now. im still not okay.
'Is this the right place to stay. Please my wings fly me away.'-- flown away, L.M.
i waited for my groupmate for hours at doutor cafe. i already finished reading wander girl (by tweet sering. one of those short novels by summit books ^_^) but my groupmate is still nowhere in sight. which was actually nice coz he'd have found me crying like crazy.
that was probably the first time i cried without really knowing why.
i dont know if it was the novel.
coz in the novel, helen said something to her little sister, hannah, "sweetie? how did you become this way? you were just this little baby i carried and now you're supergirl! why? why are you supergirl?". i can never understand my sister. (okay perfect...now am crying.) its just that, that remark sounds very much like ate. i have no idea why she thinks i'm this wondergirl. it would sometimes embarrass me coz she talks a lot about me to her friends... na "ahh..she can drive now! naunahan pako!!!", "ah si kL she got this scholarship again," "my sister's US/CS again."...*tears*. i miss my sister soo much. i can never understand why she thinks that way about me when it was her i adore so much.
when i was a kid, i always wanted to be ate. in highschool, the teachers can rememer me easily because im "kitty pie's sister." i dont know if it was her weird name that makes the teachers remember her, but im sure it was more than that. and it doesnt bother me that i'm just "kitty pie's sister"...im actually contented just being that. im really shallow...little things make me happy. (oh no...why am i sobbing now?!stop crying..you have a journal to finish!).*deepdeepsigh* i miss her soo much. i miss sharing beds with her and waking up at night but pretending im still sleeping while letting my sister put my blanket back and kissing me on my cheeks (coz going to med school keeps her awake until the wee hours studying). i used to wish i had an older brother but what would i need it for when i have an older brother and sister in my ate?! okay enough about ate or ill just cry non-stop...
there was also something in the novel about God. how Hilda almost lost her faith but in the end realized that she just cant unbelieve in something she believed in all along. its just that sometimes, i feel like am not being the christian Jesus would wish me to be. especially these past days. i rarely attend mass anymore. i dont pray that often anymore. i dont know. it feels like something's missing now.
another probable reason could be that, i just felt these past days have been quite demanding on me. there's just soo much to do with so little time. or that i actually have time, i just let it pass doing nothing when i should be doing my responsibilities. and the tears were possibly because it felt good sitting there reading, not worrying...not caring if other people in the cafe would wonder why the heck im crying that hard (with occassional pagsinga)...
or maybe i just miss home too much. i really miss home like super recently. while doing something i'd just suddenly have these images of katipunan or papa's kotse or sm supersale (where we always do our every sunday grocery), or whatever image from home, appear in my thoughts. and inside i would cry. i miss home.
and i miss christmas. yes there are christmas lights in some places here...malls, especially. but its not the same. i could NOT feel its christmas at all. and it makes me awfully sad because its my favorite time of the year and now it feels like i'll be missing it this year.
i really dont know why i cried. all i know is that something about me in that cafe is still with me now. im still not okay.
'Is this the right place to stay. Please my wings fly me away.'-- flown away, L.M.
caught a falling star @ 1:44 AM
3...comments
Monday, December 13, 2004
why i'm still *N.B.S.B.
1. you expect perfection...
okay maybe i may have this utopian idea of what i would like in a boy (in my previous post), but i never expected anyone to actually be that guy because im not perfect myself. in fact, the guys i ever liked are even way way FAR from being perfect [except maybe for mc and bebep (this guy in first year college)]. i can actually relate to sarah mclachlan's song, stupid, (--> how stupid could i be, a simpleton could see that youre no good for me, but you're the only one i see...love has made me a fool...). coz, well...i have liked guys who seem to only care about The Now. guys who doesnt seem to have any idea what they want their life to be. so no, this couldnt be the reason. i never looked for perfection. in fact i dont look at all, my heart just seem to fall in like without warning and sometimes without any rational reason. (how annoying can our hearts be?!)
2. you kept dating men who are bad for you...
this made me laugh. coz this can never be the suspect of why im still single. this is a bit embarrassing but...err...well, i've never dated all my life. i dont know how that ever happened. i just realized i turned twenty one last month without ever having dated anyone. i never really given it much thought until i realized everyone seemed to have dated at least at one point in their life...ah well, i probably slept too much, while everyone else were having fun. next...
3. you confuse lust for love...
well, neither could this be the suspect. i know i've confused infatuation with love but never lust with love. i honestly dont think i ever lusted anyone (lusted, is there ever such a word?!)
4. hanging out at the wrong place.
finally! but i guess in my case, its hanging out in the wrong planet. gawwd! im in the wrong galaxy!!! (somebody take me to where i belong!!!pretty please!!!)
5. work take up much of your time...
its more like the other way around...i'm all school work because i have nothing else to focus on...*_*
6. your desperation is too obvious.
hmmm, i dont think i have ever been obvious. i dont think anyone would even have guessed i liked mc because im always in i'll-pretend-i-dont-like-mc-i-hope-i'm-not-obvious-i'm-just-faking-i-dont-care mode whenever im around him...oh my! that's why he'll never ever like me...coz i barely talk to him...he must have thought im too mute for him. *sigh*sadness*
7. giving him the wrong vibe...
eerr...guilty? im giving him this impression that i'm this talkative girl around everyone else but mute with him...and that im not interested in him because i'm too in-love with my fave read (at the moment) that when he's a few meter raduis away from me, i seem to be perpetually preoccupied with a book (when in fact, i just look at my book but cant actually have the focus to understand what im looking at because, well..he's there...).
8. youre a stickler for relationship
ah...no? i've never had anything to do with relationships (except family and friendship). relationship and me?--> two very different worlds apart! so next...
9. meeting men is not your priority.
*sigh*...yeah i guess so. it never really occured to me to conduct a go-find-The-ONE project.
10. you're negative about your relationship prospects...
if by that she meant, im pessimistic about the guys i like liking me back. then im guilty. i dont know, no matter how i seem to be okay...i cant help having insecurity attacks.
well, my friend, princess sleepy (http://www.princessbedtimestories.blogspot.com/), posted something on her blog about reasons why youre still single and i just thought of examining my prevalent plight based on her reasons...okay here goes...
1. you expect perfection...
okay maybe i may have this utopian idea of what i would like in a boy (in my previous post), but i never expected anyone to actually be that guy because im not perfect myself. in fact, the guys i ever liked are even way way FAR from being perfect [except maybe for mc and bebep (this guy in first year college)]. i can actually relate to sarah mclachlan's song, stupid, (--> how stupid could i be, a simpleton could see that youre no good for me, but you're the only one i see...love has made me a fool...). coz, well...i have liked guys who seem to only care about The Now. guys who doesnt seem to have any idea what they want their life to be. so no, this couldnt be the reason. i never looked for perfection. in fact i dont look at all, my heart just seem to fall in like without warning and sometimes without any rational reason. (how annoying can our hearts be?!)
2. you kept dating men who are bad for you...
this made me laugh. coz this can never be the suspect of why im still single. this is a bit embarrassing but...err...well, i've never dated all my life. i dont know how that ever happened. i just realized i turned twenty one last month without ever having dated anyone. i never really given it much thought until i realized everyone seemed to have dated at least at one point in their life...ah well, i probably slept too much, while everyone else were having fun. next...
3. you confuse lust for love...
well, neither could this be the suspect. i know i've confused infatuation with love but never lust with love. i honestly dont think i ever lusted anyone (lusted, is there ever such a word?!)
4. hanging out at the wrong place.
finally! but i guess in my case, its hanging out in the wrong planet. gawwd! im in the wrong galaxy!!! (somebody take me to where i belong!!!pretty please!!!)
5. work take up much of your time...
its more like the other way around...i'm all school work because i have nothing else to focus on...*_*
6. your desperation is too obvious.
hmmm, i dont think i have ever been obvious. i dont think anyone would even have guessed i liked mc because im always in i'll-pretend-i-dont-like-mc-i-hope-i'm-not-obvious-i'm-just-faking-i-dont-care mode whenever im around him...oh my! that's why he'll never ever like me...coz i barely talk to him...he must have thought im too mute for him. *sigh*sadness*
7. giving him the wrong vibe...
eerr...guilty? im giving him this impression that i'm this talkative girl around everyone else but mute with him...and that im not interested in him because i'm too in-love with my fave read (at the moment) that when he's a few meter raduis away from me, i seem to be perpetually preoccupied with a book (when in fact, i just look at my book but cant actually have the focus to understand what im looking at because, well..he's there...).
8. youre a stickler for relationship
ah...no? i've never had anything to do with relationships (except family and friendship). relationship and me?--> two very different worlds apart! so next...
9. meeting men is not your priority.
*sigh*...yeah i guess so. it never really occured to me to conduct a go-find-The-ONE project.
10. you're negative about your relationship prospects...
if by that she meant, im pessimistic about the guys i like liking me back. then im guilty. i dont know, no matter how i seem to be okay...i cant help having insecurity attacks.
okay, thats 4 out of 10...not even half...but still does not in anyway increase my probability of being N.B.S.B. no more. *sigh*
*N.B.S.B., a filipino jargon for...hehe...tada(!) No Boyfriend Since Birth *_*
caught a falling star @ 8:13 PM
1...comments
i hate goodbyes
MEET MY PSEUDO ROOMMATE (wenwen)...peacefully dozing in my bed. :D recently my room seemed to have allured her, because she sleeps in it [even takes her futon (beddings) in my room], study in it...and brings food too! haay...im gonna miss this when im back home, along with our friday movie night ritual in the room of whoever has an interesting flick find, the sometimes traumatic saikyosen ride to and fro daigaku (univ.), my ranting about mc in my journ and my apparent feign of disinterest in his presence, our every day dinner at shokudu (my dorm's dining room) while watching the sometimes nonsensical shows (or should i say, commercial?^_^) on jap tv, and many others...
i never liked goodbyes....
you know its not the end of everything because after all once youre friends, you'll always be friends...but its still different, its still hard. coz you know that no matter how you promise to always keep in touch, and no matter how you sincerely want to keep that promise...sometime along the way, being preoccupied with different things inevitably drifts the two of you apart.
i always remember crying whenever i had to say goodbye. maybe im just a cry baby. i cry for the silliest reasons...even an unhappy song could send me crying even when there are other people around.
when i left home to study in a far far away island (cebu. an island south of luzon where manila is), i remember crying like crazy coz i've never experienced being away from home that long...and the tears were also for my high school friends i wouldnt see for a year after spending almost every single day with them for four years (and some longer than that, since primary school). and when i had to leave cebu forever and continue my college in diliman (back home), i cracked up too. i didnt know that a year could actually endear the people ive made friends with there...i didnt know i could easily open up to them (coz i had to really know a person first before i become comfortable around him/her). i didnt know i'd make too many memories with them...
now im away from home for a while again. i remember i was in tears when i boarded the plane that took me here...*sigh*i guess i can imagine now what it would be like when its time to go home already.
how fleeting is time, how soon is tomorrow...
MEET MY PSEUDO ROOMMATE (wenwen)...peacefully dozing in my bed. :D recently my room seemed to have allured her, because she sleeps in it [even takes her futon (beddings) in my room], study in it...and brings food too! haay...im gonna miss this when im back home, along with our friday movie night ritual in the room of whoever has an interesting flick find, the sometimes traumatic saikyosen ride to and fro daigaku (univ.), my ranting about mc in my journ and my apparent feign of disinterest in his presence, our every day dinner at shokudu (my dorm's dining room) while watching the sometimes nonsensical shows (or should i say, commercial?^_^) on jap tv, and many others...
i never liked goodbyes....
you know its not the end of everything because after all once youre friends, you'll always be friends...but its still different, its still hard. coz you know that no matter how you promise to always keep in touch, and no matter how you sincerely want to keep that promise...sometime along the way, being preoccupied with different things inevitably drifts the two of you apart.
i always remember crying whenever i had to say goodbye. maybe im just a cry baby. i cry for the silliest reasons...even an unhappy song could send me crying even when there are other people around.
when i left home to study in a far far away island (cebu. an island south of luzon where manila is), i remember crying like crazy coz i've never experienced being away from home that long...and the tears were also for my high school friends i wouldnt see for a year after spending almost every single day with them for four years (and some longer than that, since primary school). and when i had to leave cebu forever and continue my college in diliman (back home), i cracked up too. i didnt know that a year could actually endear the people ive made friends with there...i didnt know i could easily open up to them (coz i had to really know a person first before i become comfortable around him/her). i didnt know i'd make too many memories with them...
now im away from home for a while again. i remember i was in tears when i boarded the plane that took me here...*sigh*i guess i can imagine now what it would be like when its time to go home already.
how fleeting is time, how soon is tomorrow...
caught a falling star @ 5:30 PM
6...comments
the music box that is called my life
but this isnt about my divine attachment to my music box. this is about how i feel, sometimes, that my life resembles a music box. the same sad melody plays over and over. i fall, get my hopes up, then get crushed. fall again, become hopeful, and crushed again. then again.
its scary...but a bit funny too.
scary coz i dont want my life to endlessly play the same sad song...scary coz i dont want to look back on my journal ten years from now and read the same theme, the same hurts, and the same story, only with different characters...
but it is funny. my bestfriend and i would perpetually talk about this and would relentlessly ask ourselves when our topic would change. we never fail to talk about the non-existence of our lovelife in every conversations we've had. we could gab about it for the whole day...and when its time to go our separate homes it still feels like a lot has been said. we've probably exhausted all the possible aspects of our unattached existence. and then recently we just stopped asking when our subject would morph into...well, you know. *sigh* i guess we just figured its stupid to ask about something we both are clueless about...
there's this song by the carpenters...'goodbye to love'...i can soOo relate..
I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if i should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all i know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it
So i've made my mind up
I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess i've always known
I'd say goodbye to love
There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And i'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something i could live for
All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best i can
What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when i will see that i've been wrong
But for now this is my song
And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love
:-_-:. one of the best films i've ever seen. i was emotionally exhausted by this film...and not only that, my nose was pretty much strained too. and the thing about this film is that, its not all tears...it would send you laughing too! (take this: sam's friend to him: "you're recording...(sam saying: "hi this is sam!")...oh sam...its an outgoing message so i think you should sound more outgoing." ^_^ (and the songs are great too!)
dont you just love climbing trees too? ^_^...and uh...recently its becoming an obsession...claire and i went looking for some sports complex but ended up in this playground...but since these irritating miniature organisms, commonly refered to as kids (who i usually adore its just i badly want that swing!!!), wont go home just yet and leave the swing and all the nice playground rides, we just decided to...tada(!) climb a tree!!! *i will never get tired being a kid (at heart)*
hehe...we're crazy...we went to yoyogi park (all four of us), and i got a bit bored and wanted to climb a tree...so we did. and took pictures from up there...and now this will be a tradition everytime we go to any park. [i have to be careful not to get bored often coz for some reason, i do silly things when im bored...like yesterday, i had no one to talk to while i was on my way home so i pigged out on two boxes of crisp choco *but it wasn't some huge box though...so am still normal (err..i hope)*]
kaleidoscope
"the brave tree"...it lost its robe of leaves but still courageously faces the heavens...
well said...HAMBURGER IS MY LIFE! hmm..totemo oishii!!
i was always fascinated with music box. when i feel worn out at the end of the day...and when im depressed, id listen to my music box over and over again until i fell asleep in peace...
but this isnt about my divine attachment to my music box. this is about how i feel, sometimes, that my life resembles a music box. the same sad melody plays over and over. i fall, get my hopes up, then get crushed. fall again, become hopeful, and crushed again. then again.
its scary...but a bit funny too.
scary coz i dont want my life to endlessly play the same sad song...scary coz i dont want to look back on my journal ten years from now and read the same theme, the same hurts, and the same story, only with different characters...
but it is funny. my bestfriend and i would perpetually talk about this and would relentlessly ask ourselves when our topic would change. we never fail to talk about the non-existence of our lovelife in every conversations we've had. we could gab about it for the whole day...and when its time to go our separate homes it still feels like a lot has been said. we've probably exhausted all the possible aspects of our unattached existence. and then recently we just stopped asking when our subject would morph into...well, you know. *sigh* i guess we just figured its stupid to ask about something we both are clueless about...
there's this song by the carpenters...'goodbye to love'...i can soOo relate..
I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if i should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all i know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it
So i've made my mind up
I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess i've always known
I'd say goodbye to love
There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And i'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something i could live for
All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best i can
What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when i will see that i've been wrong
But for now this is my song
And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love
caught a falling star @ 2:44 PM
2...comments
Saturday, December 11, 2004
:-_-:. one of the best films i've ever seen. i was emotionally exhausted by this film...and not only that, my nose was pretty much strained too. and the thing about this film is that, its not all tears...it would send you laughing too! (take this: sam's friend to him: "you're recording...(sam saying: "hi this is sam!")...oh sam...its an outgoing message so i think you should sound more outgoing." ^_^ (and the songs are great too!)
caught a falling star @ 5:06 PM
6...comments
dont you just love climbing trees too? ^_^...and uh...recently its becoming an obsession...claire and i went looking for some sports complex but ended up in this playground...but since these irritating miniature organisms, commonly refered to as kids (who i usually adore its just i badly want that swing!!!), wont go home just yet and leave the swing and all the nice playground rides, we just decided to...tada(!) climb a tree!!! *i will never get tired being a kid (at heart)*
caught a falling star @ 9:18 AM
0...comments
hehe...we're crazy...we went to yoyogi park (all four of us), and i got a bit bored and wanted to climb a tree...so we did. and took pictures from up there...and now this will be a tradition everytime we go to any park. [i have to be careful not to get bored often coz for some reason, i do silly things when im bored...like yesterday, i had no one to talk to while i was on my way home so i pigged out on two boxes of crisp choco *but it wasn't some huge box though...so am still normal (err..i hope)*]
caught a falling star @ 9:09 AM
0...comments
kaleidoscope
caught a falling star @ 3:29 AM
0...comments
"the brave tree"...it lost its robe of leaves but still courageously faces the heavens...
caught a falling star @ 3:28 AM
0...comments
well said...HAMBURGER IS MY LIFE! hmm..totemo oishii!!
caught a falling star @ 3:23 AM
0...comments
Friday, December 10, 2004
things i like in a boy:
1. doesn't smoke. well they say that, on average, someone who smokes a pack or more of cigarettes each day lives 7 years less than someone who never smoked. if i am to fall for him, i'd definitely want him to live longer...
2. cool sense of humor. someone who can laugh at himself and to my sometimes silly jokes. someone who can make me laugh...
3. someone who believes in my dreams...someone who believes in me.
4. faithful. to God and to me.
5. someone who wont care if he'll look silly doing something as long as he thinks it would make me happy.
6. someone who can enjoy the small things in life, like waking up at night just to gaze at the stars or walking barefoot on the grass.
7. someone who is gentle in his manly ways...
8. someone who wouldn't mind travelling for 3 hours just to see me for 10 minutes.
9. someone who i can enjoy silence with...someone i could spend a day with without having to utter any word or sound and yet feel like that was one of the best days i've had.
10. someone who i can feel safe with. someone i can trust with my life. someone who will take care of me. of course i dont need to be taken care of... i mean until now ive never been with anyone but im still doing okay....but, i guess...i just want to feel being cared for.
11. someone who gives me flowers. i dont know...i have this obessssion with the idea that being given flowers by someone special to you is just one of the sweetest things in the world.
12. someone who has a mind of his own but is, at the same time, sensitive. i want to be with someone who doesnt ask me to decide for him...i'd like to be with someone independent and yet, sensitive to my feelings.
13. sweet to his mother.
14. a little boy at heart. ^_^
15. listen to me.
16. keeps his promises.
17. someone who respects women.
18. someone who cares for me and protects me but has enough faith in me to trust me in my decisions.
19. someone who can trust me with his emotions. someone who wont mind crying in front of me...besides, it wouldnt be fair if im the only one crying on his shoulders.
20. loves my family and friends. because my family is everything to me. and they are part of who i am...its uh...package deal. ^_^
21. someone who's family and friends love me too!
22. someone i can perfectly be myself with...no pretensions...
23. someone who considers me his bestfriend.
24.someone who has dreams...and courageous enough to pursue them.
25. someone who would sing, or write a poem for me...even though he hasnt done that all his life.
26. someone who treats me like a princess.
27. someone who would endure the ultimate torture--go shopping with me.
28. someone who lets me be myself. someone who'd love me for who i am. someone who can embrace my flaws. someone who wouldn't wish i were a little taller, or a little thinner...
29. someone who can tell me my hair's a mess--but can get away with it without offending me. someone who can criticize me but would not make me feel less special.
30. someone who is not afraid to live.
31. someone who can be patient with me...coz i can be stubborn sometimes. really stubborn. really irritating.
32. someone i can be friends with long after the sparks fade and the feelings lost, for whats the point of getting to know each other and investing so much emotions then just hate each other in the end when things dont work out?
33. someone who wont sleep while watching a movie with me...
34. someone who surprises me with little things, like a loveletter written on some leaf or tissue.
35. someone who cares for the world...someone who isnt selfish..
36. someone who wouldnt mind naming our girl kid (that is, if we ever end up together) "falling star", or "etoile fillante."
37. someone who gives me peace.
(in random order...^_^)
1. doesn't smoke. well they say that, on average, someone who smokes a pack or more of cigarettes each day lives 7 years less than someone who never smoked. if i am to fall for him, i'd definitely want him to live longer...
2. cool sense of humor. someone who can laugh at himself and to my sometimes silly jokes. someone who can make me laugh...
3. someone who believes in my dreams...someone who believes in me.
4. faithful. to God and to me.
5. someone who wont care if he'll look silly doing something as long as he thinks it would make me happy.
6. someone who can enjoy the small things in life, like waking up at night just to gaze at the stars or walking barefoot on the grass.
7. someone who is gentle in his manly ways...
8. someone who wouldn't mind travelling for 3 hours just to see me for 10 minutes.
9. someone who i can enjoy silence with...someone i could spend a day with without having to utter any word or sound and yet feel like that was one of the best days i've had.
10. someone who i can feel safe with. someone i can trust with my life. someone who will take care of me. of course i dont need to be taken care of... i mean until now ive never been with anyone but im still doing okay....but, i guess...i just want to feel being cared for.
11. someone who gives me flowers. i dont know...i have this obessssion with the idea that being given flowers by someone special to you is just one of the sweetest things in the world.
12. someone who has a mind of his own but is, at the same time, sensitive. i want to be with someone who doesnt ask me to decide for him...i'd like to be with someone independent and yet, sensitive to my feelings.
13. sweet to his mother.
14. a little boy at heart. ^_^
15. listen to me.
16. keeps his promises.
17. someone who respects women.
18. someone who cares for me and protects me but has enough faith in me to trust me in my decisions.
19. someone who can trust me with his emotions. someone who wont mind crying in front of me...besides, it wouldnt be fair if im the only one crying on his shoulders.
20. loves my family and friends. because my family is everything to me. and they are part of who i am...its uh...package deal. ^_^
21. someone who's family and friends love me too!
22. someone i can perfectly be myself with...no pretensions...
23. someone who considers me his bestfriend.
24.someone who has dreams...and courageous enough to pursue them.
25. someone who would sing, or write a poem for me...even though he hasnt done that all his life.
26. someone who treats me like a princess.
27. someone who would endure the ultimate torture--go shopping with me.
28. someone who lets me be myself. someone who'd love me for who i am. someone who can embrace my flaws. someone who wouldn't wish i were a little taller, or a little thinner...
29. someone who can tell me my hair's a mess--but can get away with it without offending me. someone who can criticize me but would not make me feel less special.
30. someone who is not afraid to live.
31. someone who can be patient with me...coz i can be stubborn sometimes. really stubborn. really irritating.
32. someone i can be friends with long after the sparks fade and the feelings lost, for whats the point of getting to know each other and investing so much emotions then just hate each other in the end when things dont work out?
33. someone who wont sleep while watching a movie with me...
34. someone who surprises me with little things, like a loveletter written on some leaf or tissue.
35. someone who cares for the world...someone who isnt selfish..
36. someone who wouldnt mind naming our girl kid (that is, if we ever end up together) "falling star", or "etoile fillante."
37. someone who gives me peace.
38. someone who i dont have to spend every single day with for me to feel loved.
39. someone who wont gaze at other girls while im with him...[coz i swear! there are some jerks ive seen who looks at other girls even though the girl beside him is obviously not his mother or sister! (the nerve of some asshole!)]...and someone who'd feel sincerely guilty if he happen to gaze in another girl while im not with him.
40. someone who lets me have my needed silence. coz sometimes when i'm mad, id rather be left alone for a while coz i might say mean things ill regret in the end. i want to be left alone but i sure dont want to feel like im totally ignored.
41. someone who respects my schedule...
42. someone who loves me very much but is not too possessive.
43. responsible.
44. firm in his decisions.
45. someone who would join me when i want to bask in the rain...someone who would rather risk getting sick with me after failing to convince me not to get myself wet in the rain.
46. someone who kneels down and pray.
47. someone NOT shorter than me. (-->this is non-negotiable! even if he's the last guy on earth i'd rather die unkissed *coz im what?5 feet tall?if he's even shorter than me--aba! dwende na yun?! i dont want to be with a gnome!* )
48. someone who plays with my hair.
49. someone who tries never to make me feel jealous.
50. someone who can be honest with me and i can be honest with.
51. someone who'd splurge on burgers and fries with me.
52. someone who'd kiss me on my forehead and would hold my hand.
53. someone who would enjoy playing in a kids playground with me...and would climb trees with me.
54. someone i can see myself growing old with.
55. someone i can feel at home with.
56. someone who inspires me to live and smile even when it feels like the world's falling apart.
57. someone who would eat whatever i cook or bake with great gusto and a smile even if it takes pretension (coz i cant quite gurantee the quality of my cooking...in fact, i am not actually sure if you can call my cooking real cooking ^_*)
i saw lea salonga's wedding. i dont know but it just touched me very much seeing the guy cry almost non-stop since he saw lea walking on the aisle, and while both of them are saying their vows, and i think even until the reception...he must have loved lea soo much that he cried as if God was being unreasonably generous and nice to him for having lea and he was just extremely grateful...*sigh..some people are just born under super lucky stars*
***now it makes perfect sense. i am meant to be n.b.s.b. forever (no boyfriend since birth)...SIGH. ANOTHER SIGH (deeper this time)...we'll see after a few years***
caught a falling star @ 8:54 PM
1...comments
Thursday, December 09, 2004
guilty no more
guilty no more. but still a bit mental. ^_*
"somewhere out there, beneath the pale moon night, someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight. somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer, that we'll find one another, in that big somewhere out there. and even though i know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star, and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky. somewhere out there..." (--kenny loggins)
wenwen is hanging out in my room again, and while she was playing with my hair...i told her that i get jealous with her and mc sometimes (but that its only because i get possessed by evil spirits sometimes ^_*)...i feel so relieved having confessed to her coz i really feel bad and guilty and lunatic for thinking that about her...now i feel a lot better. ^_^
guilty no more. but still a bit mental. ^_*
caught a falling star @ 1:59 PM
0...comments
"somewhere out there, beneath the pale moon night, someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight. somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer, that we'll find one another, in that big somewhere out there. and even though i know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star, and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky. somewhere out there..." (--kenny loggins)
caught a falling star @ 12:36 PM
0...comments
a list of the things that i like in a boy:
...hmmm...still in the process of careful deliberation...
caught a falling star @ 12:12 PM
0...comments
falling in like
i really still dont get it howcome when we like someone we tend to make a SUPERHUMAN impression of that person as if he or she IS ALL THAT...and we are this teeny-weeny Lilliputian speck beside this seemingly perfect creature. and its a circle because somewhere out there, someone thinks the same about us... and that someone is also thought flawless by this other someone.
*it's a mystery*
that's why people fall in and out of love and in again because no matter how it could at times bring out the insecurities in us, no matter how much tears we get from it, no matter how we detest being nervous and tongue-tied around that person, nothing could compare to the feeling of being in-love/in-like.
when i like someone, any happy thoughts of him makes me smile wherever i am at the moment. whether i'm in a train or jeepney or just walking in some street by myself as long as thoughts of him recur in my head (which apparently happens most often), i just break into a smile and other people seeing me, who has no idea what goes on in my heart, probably think im crazy.
when im in-like, seeing that person's picture or hearing his name being mentioned makes me strangely nervous... and i get abnormally excited just talking to my friends about him when in fact there is nothing there to tell about him except that he's this and that but he hasn't shown any interest on me. *sigh*...and that unexplainable giddiness you think is only fit for highschool kids, but you nevertheless go through because you are under a 'falling-in-like' spell. and how i brush my hair longer in the mornings to make it look like i am in complete control with it so as to avoid any possibilty of him thinking that i am 'at war' with my hair...(which he probably wouldnt notice because he doesnt like you kath, remember?!)...
and there are many other small things about 'falling in like'...i dont know about you but as for me, nothing compares to it. ^_^. so even after liking this guy who ended up with my friend, and this guy who treated me like i'm almost super special to him but just left me hanging [and replied to my mail after nearly two months of silence saying he liked me too that's why he treated me differently but was just too confused that he just decided not to pursue me (too late though coz i fell for this jerk already)], and these bunch of guys who i am not even in speaking terms with (that is to say, we have a completely different circle of friends)...after liking these guys and breaking my heart, here i go again...
*sigh* i wish someone could say this to me too...someone who i think is also perfect in his own special way.*sigh*...i love this movie too--LOVE ACTUALLY. who could forget the conversation daniel had with his stepson, sam, on a bench? --"what could be worse than the total agony of being in love?--sam"...how soo true. *more sigh* and yeah...i love that part when sarah did that crazy thing on her steps...i'd have done the same thing..bwuahahaha (and dont you just think how cute karl is?lucky sarah...)
"she doesn't even know my name. and even if she did, she'd despise me. she's the coolest girl in school, everyone worships her because she's heaven." --sam (about his crush), love actually
i really still dont get it howcome when we like someone we tend to make a SUPERHUMAN impression of that person as if he or she IS ALL THAT...and we are this teeny-weeny Lilliputian speck beside this seemingly perfect creature. and its a circle because somewhere out there, someone thinks the same about us... and that someone is also thought flawless by this other someone.
*it's a mystery*
that's why people fall in and out of love and in again because no matter how it could at times bring out the insecurities in us, no matter how much tears we get from it, no matter how we detest being nervous and tongue-tied around that person, nothing could compare to the feeling of being in-love/in-like.
when i like someone, any happy thoughts of him makes me smile wherever i am at the moment. whether i'm in a train or jeepney or just walking in some street by myself as long as thoughts of him recur in my head (which apparently happens most often), i just break into a smile and other people seeing me, who has no idea what goes on in my heart, probably think im crazy.
when im in-like, seeing that person's picture or hearing his name being mentioned makes me strangely nervous... and i get abnormally excited just talking to my friends about him when in fact there is nothing there to tell about him except that he's this and that but he hasn't shown any interest on me. *sigh*...and that unexplainable giddiness you think is only fit for highschool kids, but you nevertheless go through because you are under a 'falling-in-like' spell. and how i brush my hair longer in the mornings to make it look like i am in complete control with it so as to avoid any possibilty of him thinking that i am 'at war' with my hair...(which he probably wouldnt notice because he doesnt like you kath, remember?!)...
and there are many other small things about 'falling in like'...i dont know about you but as for me, nothing compares to it. ^_^. so even after liking this guy who ended up with my friend, and this guy who treated me like i'm almost super special to him but just left me hanging [and replied to my mail after nearly two months of silence saying he liked me too that's why he treated me differently but was just too confused that he just decided not to pursue me (too late though coz i fell for this jerk already)], and these bunch of guys who i am not even in speaking terms with (that is to say, we have a completely different circle of friends)...after liking these guys and breaking my heart, here i go again...
caught a falling star @ 9:20 AM
0...comments
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
*sigh* i wish someone could say this to me too...someone who i think is also perfect in his own special way.*sigh*...i love this movie too--LOVE ACTUALLY. who could forget the conversation daniel had with his stepson, sam, on a bench? --"what could be worse than the total agony of being in love?--sam"...how soo true. *more sigh* and yeah...i love that part when sarah did that crazy thing on her steps...i'd have done the same thing..bwuahahaha (and dont you just think how cute karl is?lucky sarah...)
PS (hehehe): and i love that conversation between jamie and aurellia (when jamie was speaking english and aurellia in portuguese and they couldnt understand each other)...jamie: "its my favorite time of the day, driving you", aurellia: (in portuguese) "its the saddest part of my day, leaving you."...*_*:
caught a falling star @ 11:01 PM
1...comments
music/mood: wind beneath my wings (bette midler)
i dont know how my parents did it, but i'm very proud of the family we've become. i just couldn't imagine being permanently separated from them. i dont know how else to say it, but they're just everything to me.
my parents are the coolest ever. how many parents would actually care to hear their daughter blab about her crushes? i've probably told my parents most of my crushes...i even told them about that time when i had a crush on papa's friend's son. yes...they would criticize him.."naku yan lasenggo, gimikero, andami kong narinig about him kay tito mo..." but they would tease me too sometimes. ^_^. and when i told mama how i fear dying an old maid, she always tells me that i shouldnt worry because im still young and someone out there is meant for me..."na baby pa daw kase ako." and when i told her about mc...she even joked "na ligawan ko na daw si mc." i just realized how lucky i am to have them coz not everyone can experince the moments i had with my parents. kinakarga pa nga kami ni papa even when my sister and i are fifteen times heavier now than we were when we were kids.
and my ate. she's just the best. i used to wish i have an older brother but now that i think about it, i dont need it anymore because my sister is a kuya and ate wrapped in one. we've had the best times together...from jumping garter to piko to bahay-bahayan to miss-universe-miss-universan to barbie (even until high school...^_*) to tamagochi to collecting mcdo happy meals to teddy bears to pc, from pretending to sleep during siesta time when we where little [after which i rumple my hair to give it that 'i-just-woke-up-mama!' look (i realized years after that it was just me who does that coz my sister actually sleeps ^_*)] to watching wrestling with papa to watching ultraman tiga (and other japanese violent 'for kids' series on tv) to our short-live westlife obsession to watching CSI (and america's next top model and survivor and gilmore girls, my sassy girl, in the mood for love...) to sharing our devotion to sad lovesongs, from baclaran shopping with mama to sm to g4 (why do they call it g4 anyway?) to wag-wagan in baguio to tutuban to greenhills to ukay-ukay in laguna, from her helping me with my elementary and high school homeworks to listening to my unnumerable no-one-loves-me monolouges, from teaching me and the rest of my highschool section a number of our winning song interpretation (through dance) masterpieces to teaching me how to be strong just by seeing her handle her sometimes messy life, from being inseparable to her to just phonecall conversations...aaahh..:*_*: theres just soo much to tell...she's been in every fabric of my existence.
i dont know why..its just that today i miss them a lot...just like how i miss them the other day..and the day before that...and so on...i cant imagine losing them. ill die. :-_-:
they're my 'happy thought.' you know in peter pan's never never land where you can fly if you think happy thoughts and sprinkle a bit of pixie dust? all i need is a pixie dust...^_^
the last movie i've seen before leaving manila...maybe im really just a sucker for love stories [coz i never had one of my own...(okay stop it! here you go again!)] but i really like this flick. ^_* and what's amazing is that its not out of this world...i mean it could happen in real life...(maybe not in my life but it could certainly happen in--okay stop it!!!enough!!!)
tear jerker. made me appreciate and be grateful for my life more just thinking of thousands of kids worse off than me...:-_-: *tears*more tears*
well, it was a sad ending but then again not all love stories end happily ever after. *_*: (take mine for example, all sad no happy...err...then again, mine doesnt really qualify as a lovestory..?!)
bear with me...i'm all about movies tonight...^_^ i love this movie because somehow it quells my fears of dying an N.B.S.B and never-been-kissed life and somehow perks up my hopes that someone, somewhere out there is meant for me and whatever happens fate will lead me to him...(okay, i sound like im sick again)
^_^ i looove this film too!!! i love its weirdness...i love the way it made me laugh, cry, and smile when im not laughing or crying..^_^
guess who took this pic? hehehe ^_^. my friends wouldnt believe i took this pic myself coz i look so perfectly composed like i wasn't in any haste just to get in that position after clicking my cam...wheew!
another of my fave movie...^_^ who just wouldn't love Luvodic and cry for him..err her?
i love this film too! ^_^
some of my favorite lines...(from http://www.wkw-inthemoodfrolove.com)
Su : "Actually . . ."
"my husband has one just like it."
"He said it was a gift from his boss."
"So he wears it every day."
Chow : "And my wife has a bag just like yours."
Su : "I know, I have seen it."
Chow : "What are you getting at, actually?"
Su : "I thought I was the only one who knew."
"I wonder how it began . . ."
Chow : "I didn't think you'd come."
Su : "We won't be like them."
"See you tomorrow."
Su : "We shouldn't see so much of each other."
Chow : "I'll see you home."
Su : "We'd better not be seen together."
Chow : "Then you go first."
Su : "If they see your umbrella . . ."
"They'll know I was with you."
Chow : "You won't leave your husband,"
"so I'd rather go away."
Su : "I didn't think you'd fall in love with me."
Chow : "I didn't either."
"I was only curious to know how it started"
"Now I know."
"Feelings can creep up just like that."
Chow : "In the old days . . ."
"If someone had a secret they didn't want to share . . ."
"You know what they did?"
"They went up to a mountain, found a tree . . ."
"Carved a hole in it . . ."
"And whispered the secret into the hole."
"Then they covered it with mud."
"And leave the secret there forever."
i love this film...^_^. sometimes i see myself in amelie...painfully shy at times, unsure, strange, technically a grown-up but really young...and i melt too when my like/pain in the moment is within 3 meter raduis...she's soo me. hehehe!
i immensely miss papa, and mama, and ate right at this very moment.
i dont know how my parents did it, but i'm very proud of the family we've become. i just couldn't imagine being permanently separated from them. i dont know how else to say it, but they're just everything to me.
my parents are the coolest ever. how many parents would actually care to hear their daughter blab about her crushes? i've probably told my parents most of my crushes...i even told them about that time when i had a crush on papa's friend's son. yes...they would criticize him.."naku yan lasenggo, gimikero, andami kong narinig about him kay tito mo..." but they would tease me too sometimes. ^_^. and when i told mama how i fear dying an old maid, she always tells me that i shouldnt worry because im still young and someone out there is meant for me..."na baby pa daw kase ako." and when i told her about mc...she even joked "na ligawan ko na daw si mc." i just realized how lucky i am to have them coz not everyone can experince the moments i had with my parents. kinakarga pa nga kami ni papa even when my sister and i are fifteen times heavier now than we were when we were kids.
and my ate. she's just the best. i used to wish i have an older brother but now that i think about it, i dont need it anymore because my sister is a kuya and ate wrapped in one. we've had the best times together...from jumping garter to piko to bahay-bahayan to miss-universe-miss-universan to barbie (even until high school...^_*) to tamagochi to collecting mcdo happy meals to teddy bears to pc, from pretending to sleep during siesta time when we where little [after which i rumple my hair to give it that 'i-just-woke-up-mama!' look (i realized years after that it was just me who does that coz my sister actually sleeps ^_*)] to watching wrestling with papa to watching ultraman tiga (and other japanese violent 'for kids' series on tv) to our short-live westlife obsession to watching CSI (and america's next top model and survivor and gilmore girls, my sassy girl, in the mood for love...) to sharing our devotion to sad lovesongs, from baclaran shopping with mama to sm to g4 (why do they call it g4 anyway?) to wag-wagan in baguio to tutuban to greenhills to ukay-ukay in laguna, from her helping me with my elementary and high school homeworks to listening to my unnumerable no-one-loves-me monolouges, from teaching me and the rest of my highschool section a number of our winning song interpretation (through dance) masterpieces to teaching me how to be strong just by seeing her handle her sometimes messy life, from being inseparable to her to just phonecall conversations...aaahh..:*_*: theres just soo much to tell...she's been in every fabric of my existence.
i dont know why..its just that today i miss them a lot...just like how i miss them the other day..and the day before that...and so on...i cant imagine losing them. ill die. :-_-:
they're my 'happy thought.' you know in peter pan's never never land where you can fly if you think happy thoughts and sprinkle a bit of pixie dust? all i need is a pixie dust...^_^
caught a falling star @ 11:08 AM
0...comments
the last movie i've seen before leaving manila...maybe im really just a sucker for love stories [coz i never had one of my own...(okay stop it! here you go again!)] but i really like this flick. ^_* and what's amazing is that its not out of this world...i mean it could happen in real life...(maybe not in my life but it could certainly happen in--okay stop it!!!enough!!!)
caught a falling star @ 10:57 AM
0...comments
tear jerker. made me appreciate and be grateful for my life more just thinking of thousands of kids worse off than me...:-_-: *tears*more tears*
caught a falling star @ 7:16 AM
0...comments
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
well, it was a sad ending but then again not all love stories end happily ever after. *_*: (take mine for example, all sad no happy...err...then again, mine doesnt really qualify as a lovestory..?!)
caught a falling star @ 11:59 PM
0...comments
bear with me...i'm all about movies tonight...^_^ i love this movie because somehow it quells my fears of dying an N.B.S.B and never-been-kissed life and somehow perks up my hopes that someone, somewhere out there is meant for me and whatever happens fate will lead me to him...(okay, i sound like im sick again)
caught a falling star @ 11:50 PM
0...comments
^_^ i looove this film too!!! i love its weirdness...i love the way it made me laugh, cry, and smile when im not laughing or crying..^_^
caught a falling star @ 10:22 PM
0...comments
guess who took this pic? hehehe ^_^. my friends wouldnt believe i took this pic myself coz i look so perfectly composed like i wasn't in any haste just to get in that position after clicking my cam...wheew!
caught a falling star @ 10:04 PM
0...comments
another of my fave movie...^_^ who just wouldn't love Luvodic and cry for him..err her?
caught a falling star @ 9:57 PM
0...comments
i love this film too! ^_^
some of my favorite lines...(from http://www.wkw-inthemoodfrolove.com)
Su : "Actually . . ."
"my husband has one just like it."
"He said it was a gift from his boss."
"So he wears it every day."
Chow : "And my wife has a bag just like yours."
Su : "I know, I have seen it."
Chow : "What are you getting at, actually?"
Su : "I thought I was the only one who knew."
"I wonder how it began . . ."
Chow : "I didn't think you'd come."
Su : "We won't be like them."
"See you tomorrow."
Su : "We shouldn't see so much of each other."
Chow : "I'll see you home."
Su : "We'd better not be seen together."
Chow : "Then you go first."
Su : "If they see your umbrella . . ."
"They'll know I was with you."
Chow : "You won't leave your husband,"
"so I'd rather go away."
Su : "I didn't think you'd fall in love with me."
Chow : "I didn't either."
"I was only curious to know how it started"
"Now I know."
"Feelings can creep up just like that."
Chow : "In the old days . . ."
"If someone had a secret they didn't want to share . . ."
"You know what they did?"
"They went up to a mountain, found a tree . . ."
"Carved a hole in it . . ."
"And whispered the secret into the hole."
"Then they covered it with mud."
"And leave the secret there forever."
caught a falling star @ 9:42 PM
0...comments
i love this film...^_^. sometimes i see myself in amelie...painfully shy at times, unsure, strange, technically a grown-up but really young...and i melt too when my like/pain in the moment is within 3 meter raduis...she's soo me. hehehe!
caught a falling star @ 9:38 PM
0...comments
'i needed a love that was possible.'
'somewhere, this river joins another, then another, until--far from my heart and sight--all of them merge with the sea...may my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day i cried for him...'
'all love stories are the same.'
'yes, we are going to suffer--but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. and one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.'
'pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. perhaps this person will never be disappointed; perhaps she wont suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. but when that person looks back..she will hear her heart saying...what have you done...'
'i could have...at any given point in our lives, there are certain things that could have happened but didn't.'
'i can read your eyes. i can read your heart. you are going to fall in love and suffer'
'i noticed that he was beggining to perspire, despite the chill in the air...no one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eye's. and any woman with the least bit of sensitivity can read the eyes of a man in love.'
'i had loved him--if a child can knoww hat love means.'
'sometimes an uncontrollable feeling of sadnes grips us...we recognize that the magic moment of the day has passed and that we've done nothing about it.'
'there are moments when you have to take a risk, to do crazy things.'
'i spend day after day with my texts, and notebooks, making this superhuman effort to purchase my own servitude...why do i want that job?what does it offer me as a human being, as a woman?'
'i kept thinking about how few things i would have had to tell my children and grandchildren if i hadn't come with him.'
'the love he was talking about only exists in fairy tales. in real life, love has to be possible. even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire. anything else is fantasy.'
'to those wise enough to understand that sometimes love is nothing more than the foolishness of childhood.'
'the wise are wise only because they love. and the foolish are foolish only because they think they can understand love...'
'lovers need to know how to lose themselves and how to find themselves again.'
'anyone who can conquer her heart can conquer the world'
'to lose my heart to you with a poem...i wish i didnt have to control my heart. if i could surrender...if love were easy...i'd want to stay drunk and be free to kiss him...but no!'
'i dont know what his fears are, but i know my own. i dont need new fears--my own are enough.'
'but love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. for when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesnt even matter whether we can keep the love on our side. to love is to lose control.'
'no, no, i cannot allow such a crack to form. no matter how small.'
'love is a trap. when it appears, we see only its lights, not its shadows.'
'theres nothing deeper than love. in fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. in real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.'
'some people always have to be doing battle with someone, sometimes even with themselves, battling with their won lives.'
'i wasnt looking for anything--not for a man and certainly not for love...i knew he was going to turn my world upside down. my brain warned me, but my heart didnt want to take its advice.'
'why do we notice the speck in our eye but not the mountains, the fields, the olive groves?'
'i admire you and i admire the battle you are waging with your heart.'
'there are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end.'
'life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown--even when we dont want to and when we think we dont need to.'
'i was certainly not going to be passionate about something that was impossible.'
'the ones who are afraid that love is impossible without even knowing what love is.'
'because many times in my life i have tried to love with all my heart,and my love has wound up being trampled or betrayed.'
'and there are defeats. no one can avoid them. but its better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what youre fighting for.'
'..my fears, my insecurity, and my unwillingness to see what was wonderful because tomorrow it might disappear and then i would suffer.'
'the gods throw the dice, and they dont ask whether we want to be in the game or not...the gods dont want to know about your plans and your hopes. somewhere they're throwing the dice--and you are chosen. from then on, winning or losing is only a question of luck.'
'and the universe always conspires to help the dreamer...'
'the universe always helps us fight for our dreams, no matter how foolish they may be. our dreams are our own, and only we can know the effort required to keep them alive.'
'its risky falling in love.'
'ive been in love before. its like a narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget about them for three hours. but then you get used to that person and you begin to be completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who cant get a fix. and just as addicts, steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, youre willing to do anything for love...what a horrible way to put it.'
'i wished i were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart--someone with whom i could spend a little time with without being afraid that i would lose him the next day. with that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. we could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. i wouldnt have to worry about serious decisions and hard words.'
'...love's path is really complicated.'
'when we were quiet with each other, i was able to see how close i felt to him.'
'neither of us said anything. love doesnt need to be discussed; it has its own voice and speaks for itself.'
'...weak but tyring to give the impression of strength. fearful of everything but telling herself it wasnt fear...'
'trying to judge her future loves by the rules of her past suffering.'
'...love is always new. regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our lives, we always face a brand new situation. love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere..we have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. the moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. and to save us.'
'i had never forgotten love, even when it had deemed me unworthy of fighting for it. but love had been difficult, and i had been reluctant to cross its frontiers.'
'i needed a love that was possible.'
'i realized that i had known nothing of love before.'
'about vampires. those creatures of the night, locked inside themselves, desperately seeking company. incapable of loving.'
'a thousand times i wanted to take his hand, and a thousand times i stopped myself. i was still confused--i wanted to tell him i love him, but i dint know how to begin.'
'love never comes just a little at a time...'
'...truth resides where there is faith.'
'...if i belive that i knew, then i would in fact eventually know.'
'we are our own greatest surprise...'
'...be willing to make mistakes.'
'love had flooded my sould, and there was no way i could control it.'
'i am always better than i think and stronger than i believe.'
'my hand reached out for his and found it. now it was his heart that was beating faster--i could almost hear it in the silence.'
'those four days with him had made up for an entire year in which so little had happened.'
'every road that i travelled led back to you...i opened every letter of yours afraid that you would tell me you had found someone.'
'somewhere in the world, a home awaited us.'
'my heart needed no more suffering'
'if pain must come, may it come quickly. because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the ebst way possible. if he has to make a choice, may he make it now. then i will either wait for him or forget him.'
'waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.'
'if this is your world, i want to learn to be part of it.'
'fear because it was all new to me, and what is new has always scared me.'
'...my heart had so many doubts and needed so many answers.'
'...it would be better to die thatn to fail to love.'
'even if loving meant leaving, or solitude, or sorrow, love was worth all the penny of its price.'
'love doesnt ask many questions, because if we stop to think we become fearful...maybe its the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of breaking the spell...that's why you dont ask--you act.'
'men always have their reasons...but the fact is that they always wind up leaving.'
'dont be sad. one of these days, you'll find another man--one you can love without taking so many risks.'
'a fall from the third floor hurts as much as a fall from a hundredth. if i have to fall may it be from a high place.'
'...when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. if one person really wants us, everyone does. but if were alone, we become even more alone. life is strange.'
'the day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you imagine every possible conversation, you promise to change your behaviour in certain ways--and you feel more and more anxious until your loved one arrives. but by then, you dont know what to say. the hours of waiting have been transformed into tension, the tension has become fear, and the fear makes you embarrassed about showing affection.'
'God is here right now, at our side...in order to find God, you have only to look around.'
'he has been present every day of my life--whether i wanted him there or not.'
'there is some point which we have to wonder whether all our efforts is worth it.'
'the fate of the mountains is terrible...they are destined to look out at the same scene forever.'
'no one leaves on a journey without knowing where they are going.'
'in the moment of that kiss were years of searching, disillusionment, and impossible dreams'
'the moment of that kiss contained every moment i had ever lived.'
'...no single day is the same as any other...'
'we can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. its one thing to feel you are on the right path, but its another to think that yours is the only path.'
'love perseveres. its men who change.'
'but how to explain the suffering because of a man? its not explainable.'
"I can read your eyes. I can read your heart. You are going to fall in love and suffer." -paulo coelho
from By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept...
'somewhere, this river joins another, then another, until--far from my heart and sight--all of them merge with the sea...may my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day i cried for him...'
'all love stories are the same.'
'yes, we are going to suffer--but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. and one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.'
'pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. perhaps this person will never be disappointed; perhaps she wont suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. but when that person looks back..she will hear her heart saying...what have you done...'
'i could have...at any given point in our lives, there are certain things that could have happened but didn't.'
'i can read your eyes. i can read your heart. you are going to fall in love and suffer'
'i noticed that he was beggining to perspire, despite the chill in the air...no one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eye's. and any woman with the least bit of sensitivity can read the eyes of a man in love.'
'i had loved him--if a child can knoww hat love means.'
'sometimes an uncontrollable feeling of sadnes grips us...we recognize that the magic moment of the day has passed and that we've done nothing about it.'
'there are moments when you have to take a risk, to do crazy things.'
'i spend day after day with my texts, and notebooks, making this superhuman effort to purchase my own servitude...why do i want that job?what does it offer me as a human being, as a woman?'
'i kept thinking about how few things i would have had to tell my children and grandchildren if i hadn't come with him.'
'the love he was talking about only exists in fairy tales. in real life, love has to be possible. even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire. anything else is fantasy.'
'to those wise enough to understand that sometimes love is nothing more than the foolishness of childhood.'
'the wise are wise only because they love. and the foolish are foolish only because they think they can understand love...'
'lovers need to know how to lose themselves and how to find themselves again.'
'anyone who can conquer her heart can conquer the world'
'to lose my heart to you with a poem...i wish i didnt have to control my heart. if i could surrender...if love were easy...i'd want to stay drunk and be free to kiss him...but no!'
'i dont know what his fears are, but i know my own. i dont need new fears--my own are enough.'
'but love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. for when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesnt even matter whether we can keep the love on our side. to love is to lose control.'
'no, no, i cannot allow such a crack to form. no matter how small.'
'love is a trap. when it appears, we see only its lights, not its shadows.'
'theres nothing deeper than love. in fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. in real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.'
'some people always have to be doing battle with someone, sometimes even with themselves, battling with their won lives.'
'i wasnt looking for anything--not for a man and certainly not for love...i knew he was going to turn my world upside down. my brain warned me, but my heart didnt want to take its advice.'
'why do we notice the speck in our eye but not the mountains, the fields, the olive groves?'
'i admire you and i admire the battle you are waging with your heart.'
'there are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end.'
'life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown--even when we dont want to and when we think we dont need to.'
'i was certainly not going to be passionate about something that was impossible.'
'the ones who are afraid that love is impossible without even knowing what love is.'
'because many times in my life i have tried to love with all my heart,and my love has wound up being trampled or betrayed.'
'and there are defeats. no one can avoid them. but its better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what youre fighting for.'
'..my fears, my insecurity, and my unwillingness to see what was wonderful because tomorrow it might disappear and then i would suffer.'
'the gods throw the dice, and they dont ask whether we want to be in the game or not...the gods dont want to know about your plans and your hopes. somewhere they're throwing the dice--and you are chosen. from then on, winning or losing is only a question of luck.'
'and the universe always conspires to help the dreamer...'
'the universe always helps us fight for our dreams, no matter how foolish they may be. our dreams are our own, and only we can know the effort required to keep them alive.'
'its risky falling in love.'
'ive been in love before. its like a narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget about them for three hours. but then you get used to that person and you begin to be completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who cant get a fix. and just as addicts, steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, youre willing to do anything for love...what a horrible way to put it.'
'i wished i were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart--someone with whom i could spend a little time with without being afraid that i would lose him the next day. with that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. we could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. i wouldnt have to worry about serious decisions and hard words.'
'...love's path is really complicated.'
'when we were quiet with each other, i was able to see how close i felt to him.'
'neither of us said anything. love doesnt need to be discussed; it has its own voice and speaks for itself.'
'...weak but tyring to give the impression of strength. fearful of everything but telling herself it wasnt fear...'
'trying to judge her future loves by the rules of her past suffering.'
'...love is always new. regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our lives, we always face a brand new situation. love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere..we have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. the moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. and to save us.'
'i had never forgotten love, even when it had deemed me unworthy of fighting for it. but love had been difficult, and i had been reluctant to cross its frontiers.'
'i needed a love that was possible.'
'i realized that i had known nothing of love before.'
'about vampires. those creatures of the night, locked inside themselves, desperately seeking company. incapable of loving.'
'a thousand times i wanted to take his hand, and a thousand times i stopped myself. i was still confused--i wanted to tell him i love him, but i dint know how to begin.'
'love never comes just a little at a time...'
'...truth resides where there is faith.'
'...if i belive that i knew, then i would in fact eventually know.'
'we are our own greatest surprise...'
'...be willing to make mistakes.'
'love had flooded my sould, and there was no way i could control it.'
'i am always better than i think and stronger than i believe.'
'my hand reached out for his and found it. now it was his heart that was beating faster--i could almost hear it in the silence.'
'those four days with him had made up for an entire year in which so little had happened.'
'every road that i travelled led back to you...i opened every letter of yours afraid that you would tell me you had found someone.'
'somewhere in the world, a home awaited us.'
'my heart needed no more suffering'
'if pain must come, may it come quickly. because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the ebst way possible. if he has to make a choice, may he make it now. then i will either wait for him or forget him.'
'waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.'
'if this is your world, i want to learn to be part of it.'
'fear because it was all new to me, and what is new has always scared me.'
'...my heart had so many doubts and needed so many answers.'
'...it would be better to die thatn to fail to love.'
'even if loving meant leaving, or solitude, or sorrow, love was worth all the penny of its price.'
'love doesnt ask many questions, because if we stop to think we become fearful...maybe its the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of breaking the spell...that's why you dont ask--you act.'
'men always have their reasons...but the fact is that they always wind up leaving.'
'dont be sad. one of these days, you'll find another man--one you can love without taking so many risks.'
'a fall from the third floor hurts as much as a fall from a hundredth. if i have to fall may it be from a high place.'
'...when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. if one person really wants us, everyone does. but if were alone, we become even more alone. life is strange.'
'the day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you imagine every possible conversation, you promise to change your behaviour in certain ways--and you feel more and more anxious until your loved one arrives. but by then, you dont know what to say. the hours of waiting have been transformed into tension, the tension has become fear, and the fear makes you embarrassed about showing affection.'
'God is here right now, at our side...in order to find God, you have only to look around.'
'he has been present every day of my life--whether i wanted him there or not.'
'there is some point which we have to wonder whether all our efforts is worth it.'
'the fate of the mountains is terrible...they are destined to look out at the same scene forever.'
'no one leaves on a journey without knowing where they are going.'
'in the moment of that kiss were years of searching, disillusionment, and impossible dreams'
'the moment of that kiss contained every moment i had ever lived.'
'...no single day is the same as any other...'
'we can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. its one thing to feel you are on the right path, but its another to think that yours is the only path.'
'love perseveres. its men who change.'
'but how to explain the suffering because of a man? its not explainable.'
caught a falling star @ 9:13 PM
0...comments
"I can read your eyes. I can read your heart. You are going to fall in love and suffer." -paulo coelho
caught a falling star @ 2:45 PM
0...comments
Sunday, December 05, 2004
*_*:
i dont understand myself anymore.
it used to be just on buying stuff that i'm impulsive. like i would accompany my friend to the mall void with any intention of buying anything but almost often its me who end up buying. and even when i absolutely dont need that stuff as long as it caught my attention and as long as my budget at the moment could afford it, i cant (89% of the time) resist the temptation of taking it home.
its just that i had this small talk with joane and she told me about her and this guy she's known for years and she asked me about mc. she asked me if i immensely like him...but after hearing her say that i couldnt possibly be seriously falling for him because i barely know him while she and this guy have been beating around the bush for four years now...well, what was left for me to say? i just said that it was nothing. just a tiny little insignificant minor crush. *deepdeepsigh* but i honestly dont know if i believe myself. *tears*
i dont feel okay. i am not okay.
does it really matter how long you've known each other?
my friends here in tokyo have this completely different idea of a relationship from my friends back at home...now im stuck in the middle. i used to believe that girls should wait forever until the guy of her dreams finally notice and have the courage to walk up to her and pursue her. my friends back at home were a bit shocked when i said that two of my friends here have boyfriends already. it would have shocked me too if i hadnt been here and if i hadnt meet these people. my friends here aren't flirts. theyre decent girls...very wonderful people, very shy sometimes...they have insecurities too, and they also think sometimes that they're not pretty enough for this someone...they just happen to believe that if someone's special enough for you, you should at least let the person know for you can never tell what could happen if you didnt. and i see nothing wrong with that. although that i am still not capable of doing.*sigh*. why do i have to be brought up in a country that places utter importance in demureness in the highest degree, where if you fall below that level and ask a guy out or have a certain guy for a boyfriend after meeting him for less than 2 months or so, they'd think youre a flirt. when in fact, flirtness and taking a risk for someone (you know is special to you because your heart beats unusually around him) are completely different things. its absolutely unreasonable to associate the two together. you can still be decent, and respectable, and nice, even when youre just a female who gathered that courage enough to tell the guy you like that you care for him...
i dont know why this is stressing me out.
can anyone really command their hearts to just fall for the guys you've meet in no less than 4 months or 3? anyone you've meet in less than that time couldnt possibly be a 'falling in like' case. "impossible." "it has to be nothing...it has to be just an INFATUATION...it couldnt be anything more than that. youre silly if you think youre actually falling.""its just a misplaced feeling..."
*tears*
i just dont want to be asked anymore what i feel about mc. okay, im young. im inexperienced. i couldnt distinguish between 'falling in like' and 'falling in love'. i dont know whats real and whats not. what's infatuation and what's serious. my only idea of love is those i've read in novels and seen on movies. *tears*tears*tears*...i dont need anyone to rub it in. i know i know nothing. i dont need anyone to belittle my feelings. maybe...yeah this is nothing...im just being the impulsive me..
i dont know whats upsetting me. its just that ive been told twice today (yesterday, that is..i haven't been sleeping yet) that i couldnt be falling for him...that im just mistaking my feelings for something else. (not the excat words but that's how i understood it). okay...my apologies for being clueless about love/like...from now on no more 'mc talk.'
i dont know what was i thinking.
i dont understand myself anymore.
it used to be just on buying stuff that i'm impulsive. like i would accompany my friend to the mall void with any intention of buying anything but almost often its me who end up buying. and even when i absolutely dont need that stuff as long as it caught my attention and as long as my budget at the moment could afford it, i cant (89% of the time) resist the temptation of taking it home.
its just that i had this small talk with joane and she told me about her and this guy she's known for years and she asked me about mc. she asked me if i immensely like him...but after hearing her say that i couldnt possibly be seriously falling for him because i barely know him while she and this guy have been beating around the bush for four years now...well, what was left for me to say? i just said that it was nothing. just a tiny little insignificant minor crush. *deepdeepsigh* but i honestly dont know if i believe myself. *tears*
i dont feel okay. i am not okay.
does it really matter how long you've known each other?
my friends here in tokyo have this completely different idea of a relationship from my friends back at home...now im stuck in the middle. i used to believe that girls should wait forever until the guy of her dreams finally notice and have the courage to walk up to her and pursue her. my friends back at home were a bit shocked when i said that two of my friends here have boyfriends already. it would have shocked me too if i hadnt been here and if i hadnt meet these people. my friends here aren't flirts. theyre decent girls...very wonderful people, very shy sometimes...they have insecurities too, and they also think sometimes that they're not pretty enough for this someone...they just happen to believe that if someone's special enough for you, you should at least let the person know for you can never tell what could happen if you didnt. and i see nothing wrong with that. although that i am still not capable of doing.*sigh*. why do i have to be brought up in a country that places utter importance in demureness in the highest degree, where if you fall below that level and ask a guy out or have a certain guy for a boyfriend after meeting him for less than 2 months or so, they'd think youre a flirt. when in fact, flirtness and taking a risk for someone (you know is special to you because your heart beats unusually around him) are completely different things. its absolutely unreasonable to associate the two together. you can still be decent, and respectable, and nice, even when youre just a female who gathered that courage enough to tell the guy you like that you care for him...
i dont know why this is stressing me out.
can anyone really command their hearts to just fall for the guys you've meet in no less than 4 months or 3? anyone you've meet in less than that time couldnt possibly be a 'falling in like' case. "impossible." "it has to be nothing...it has to be just an INFATUATION...it couldnt be anything more than that. youre silly if you think youre actually falling.""its just a misplaced feeling..."
*tears*
i just dont want to be asked anymore what i feel about mc. okay, im young. im inexperienced. i couldnt distinguish between 'falling in like' and 'falling in love'. i dont know whats real and whats not. what's infatuation and what's serious. my only idea of love is those i've read in novels and seen on movies. *tears*tears*tears*...i dont need anyone to rub it in. i know i know nothing. i dont need anyone to belittle my feelings. maybe...yeah this is nothing...im just being the impulsive me..
i dont know whats upsetting me. its just that ive been told twice today (yesterday, that is..i haven't been sleeping yet) that i couldnt be falling for him...that im just mistaking my feelings for something else. (not the excat words but that's how i understood it). okay...my apologies for being clueless about love/like...from now on no more 'mc talk.'
caught a falling star @ 3:28 AM
0...comments
Saturday, December 04, 2004
three months from now...
three months from now...
would i still be pondering over how i spent the heart's day flowerless, chocolate-less, and *deepdeepsigh*...loveless? i wouldnt be surprised though. it looks very much like my 21st year on earth is not my time to be sleeping beauty or cinderella...aargh, maybe my life's just not predestined for fairy tale endings.
then again, what if by some miracle...err..no. NO in capital letters. there wont be an 'us'. i can never understand him. i dont know if he's just too torpe or he just plainly doesnt like me. and i dont know if im really noticing something or im just too assuming.
how i wish he'd just start going out with someone, i dont care if it isn't me...okay, im lying when i said that. i'd care. itll probably keep me awake at night crying for days but at least when all hopes are crushed i could start all over again.
coz i dont like this anymore...im turning ugly because of him. now i have this huge eyebags because i stay up really late at night until my MSN messenger tells me he's offline already. [well, i have to be online, you know, in case he might want to ask me something (huhuhuhuhu. im pathetic!)]. and this coldhearted mister sleeps terribly late. and because of that i didnt have breakfast this morning. coz my dormitory serves us breakfast but only upto 8:30 and i happen to wake up 15 minutes late.
huhuhuhuhuhu. if falling in like is all pain like what im going through now, i dont want to fall in like anymore!
what could probably happen to me three months from now? for sure i would still be in tokyo unless if they realize they're spending for a deranged girl's education and decide to send me back to manila. but that's very unlikely because i have just recently acquired this ability to fake sanity. go me!
three months from now...
would i still be pondering over how i spent the heart's day flowerless, chocolate-less, and *deepdeepsigh*...loveless? i wouldnt be surprised though. it looks very much like my 21st year on earth is not my time to be sleeping beauty or cinderella...aargh, maybe my life's just not predestined for fairy tale endings.
then again, what if by some miracle...err..no. NO in capital letters. there wont be an 'us'. i can never understand him. i dont know if he's just too torpe or he just plainly doesnt like me. and i dont know if im really noticing something or im just too assuming.
how i wish he'd just start going out with someone, i dont care if it isn't me...okay, im lying when i said that. i'd care. itll probably keep me awake at night crying for days but at least when all hopes are crushed i could start all over again.
coz i dont like this anymore...im turning ugly because of him. now i have this huge eyebags because i stay up really late at night until my MSN messenger tells me he's offline already. [well, i have to be online, you know, in case he might want to ask me something (huhuhuhuhu. im pathetic!)]. and this coldhearted mister sleeps terribly late. and because of that i didnt have breakfast this morning. coz my dormitory serves us breakfast but only upto 8:30 and i happen to wake up 15 minutes late.
huhuhuhuhuhu. if falling in like is all pain like what im going through now, i dont want to fall in like anymore!
caught a falling star @ 11:50 AM
0...comments
Thursday, December 02, 2004
i'm demented
i just realized how crazy one's thoughts could go when youre...err..hit by cupid (?!?!!!).
wenwen's in my room studying for her jap. proficiency exam right now. i admit it, i do get jealous with her sometimes because she gets to spend thousands and sthousands of time with him but it was really foolish..no not foolish...lunatic of me to think that she likes him without telling me she does. im mental. (somebody take me to a hospital pleaaase!). she's actually very very supportive of me...huhuhuhuhuhuhu..im crazy.
oh well, mine's not an isolated case right? i mean, this happens to practically anyone whose under a 'falling-in-like' spell.
she actually encourages me to talk to him through msn, like say good morning its just me who wont. and she even told me once that if i wont have lunch with them only because im avoiding him, then they'd have to ask him to stop hanging out with them at lunch and eat by himself. it was cruel but sweet. :) . and she also told me that i have to stop being super dooper shy around him. aaargh. now i feel guilty for thinking that about her.
im actually feeling happy today. (mental but/and happy). coz i just woke up one day realizing that im not affected by my insecurities anymore. i guess at one point you just get tired of being your own critic. jesus probably had a hard time changing me...coz i can get really stubborn sometimes. :)
haay. mental mental me.
hehehehe.
i just realized how crazy one's thoughts could go when youre...err..hit by cupid (?!?!!!).
wenwen's in my room studying for her jap. proficiency exam right now. i admit it, i do get jealous with her sometimes because she gets to spend thousands and sthousands of time with him but it was really foolish..no not foolish...lunatic of me to think that she likes him without telling me she does. im mental. (somebody take me to a hospital pleaaase!). she's actually very very supportive of me...huhuhuhuhuhuhu..im crazy.
oh well, mine's not an isolated case right? i mean, this happens to practically anyone whose under a 'falling-in-like' spell.
she actually encourages me to talk to him through msn, like say good morning its just me who wont. and she even told me once that if i wont have lunch with them only because im avoiding him, then they'd have to ask him to stop hanging out with them at lunch and eat by himself. it was cruel but sweet. :) . and she also told me that i have to stop being super dooper shy around him. aaargh. now i feel guilty for thinking that about her.
im actually feeling happy today. (mental but/and happy). coz i just woke up one day realizing that im not affected by my insecurities anymore. i guess at one point you just get tired of being your own critic. jesus probably had a hard time changing me...coz i can get really stubborn sometimes. :)
haay. mental mental me.
caught a falling star @ 1:25 PM
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