Monday, January 31, 2005
uh-oh
my lovelife is still cloudier than ever.
i still cant talk in fluent japanese without inserting english words from time to time. and the lady who cooks dinner for us talked to me in the dining room today and gawwd i didnt understand a thing she said! and i felt like crying...are they teaching us a different japenese in class?! aaargh.
haaay...time...flies...i wish i could too. (flying star)
uh-oh itll be feb tom already. two more weeks and it'll be my fifth month here in tokyo.
my lovelife is still cloudier than ever.
i still cant talk in fluent japanese without inserting english words from time to time. and the lady who cooks dinner for us talked to me in the dining room today and gawwd i didnt understand a thing she said! and i felt like crying...are they teaching us a different japenese in class?! aaargh.
haaay...time...flies...i wish i could too. (flying star)
caught a falling star @ 8:18 PM
1...comments
never in his thoughts
you know when a guy smiles a very meaningful smile because of his girl...the smile that means he's remembering how she looks almost perfect the last time he saw her, the smile that means he cant wait to see her again, the smile that means he's grateful he has her, the smile that means he wants to protect that fragile girl in his thoughts--that im jealous of. because when i think about mc or whoever guy, im sure i rarely, if ever, appear in their thoughts. *sigh*. and no, im not being pessimistic, im just being realistic.
probably the hardest thing about being single since birth is when you gaze at a couple, and at the back of your mind you tell yourself that someone out there is also meant for you...but after waiting for ages, after youve gazed at a hundred couples and the someone you kept telling yourself would come still hasnt come, you say "oh its okay, i couldnt possibly care less..its not like ill die if i dont have someone"...and yet, you know...deep inside, you still keep on repeating that age-old line, someone out there is also meant for you.
if there's one thing that i'm jealous about people who are in a relationship, it's that at any given moment of every day, when they think about their special someone, that someone is also thinking about them. maybe not at the exact time, but for sure whatever they are doing their someone is never out of their thoughts.
you know when a guy smiles a very meaningful smile because of his girl...the smile that means he's remembering how she looks almost perfect the last time he saw her, the smile that means he cant wait to see her again, the smile that means he's grateful he has her, the smile that means he wants to protect that fragile girl in his thoughts--that im jealous of. because when i think about mc or whoever guy, im sure i rarely, if ever, appear in their thoughts. *sigh*. and no, im not being pessimistic, im just being realistic.
probably the hardest thing about being single since birth is when you gaze at a couple, and at the back of your mind you tell yourself that someone out there is also meant for you...but after waiting for ages, after youve gazed at a hundred couples and the someone you kept telling yourself would come still hasnt come, you say "oh its okay, i couldnt possibly care less..its not like ill die if i dont have someone"...and yet, you know...deep inside, you still keep on repeating that age-old line, someone out there is also meant for you.
caught a falling star @ 7:21 PM
2...comments
yesterday
dont you just feel like nodding your head in agreement? perhaps not on the now it looks...blahblah part but on the first eight words.
life does seemed easier when i was much younger, when all i worry about is how to tell ate i found her barbie's head broken but that i was in no way involved in the process that led to her barbie dolls' not-so-pleasant state, and problems like that (which arent really problems if you come to think about it now)...
sometimes when i look at kids and see them laugh i would sigh thinking that there's still soOo much ahead of them...so much more pain, so much more worries, more tears but so much more laughs as well. there's still so much they dont know about life...i just wish they dont rush to grow up...if kids only know that grown ups wish they were as carefree as they are...
yesterday all my troubles seem so far away, now it looks as though theyre here to stay, oh i believe in yesterday...so goes the beatles song.
dont you just feel like nodding your head in agreement? perhaps not on the now it looks...blahblah part but on the first eight words.
life does seemed easier when i was much younger, when all i worry about is how to tell ate i found her barbie's head broken but that i was in no way involved in the process that led to her barbie dolls' not-so-pleasant state, and problems like that (which arent really problems if you come to think about it now)...
sometimes when i look at kids and see them laugh i would sigh thinking that there's still soOo much ahead of them...so much more pain, so much more worries, more tears but so much more laughs as well. there's still so much they dont know about life...i just wish they dont rush to grow up...if kids only know that grown ups wish they were as carefree as they are...
caught a falling star @ 5:07 PM
1...comments
Sunday, January 30, 2005
single's awareness day
i knew this year's heart's day is just going to be like my past feb. 14 days: chocolate-less, flower-less, greetingcard-less, jerk-less (even for a suitor...zero, zilch, null, void, wala, nada!). added to that is the fact that here in Japan, its the women who give chocolates and not the men (but in fairness, they do get their turn to spend on March 14). oh well...its not like im not used to it.
i will set my alarm clock at 4 pm to do my homework for that day but would end up waking up (like all other days ive planned to wake up at 4 [which is everyweekday]) a few minutes before 6:30. i would try to talk to God (i'm bad, i oftentimes forget to pray) and hurry get breakfast. if i havent showered the night before i will hurry get a shower and pray that theres no long queue of koreans in the shower room. then ill get dressed, walk with verena to the train station and attempt to do my homework inside the train while trying to breathe and survive amidst the mass of people that would no doubt flock the saikyo that day like all mornings. when i get to class...well that's a monday so i only have morning class...well you know how classes are, ill just sit there listening half of the time and pretending to listen in the other half. end of class...so straight home, where else should i go? in shinjuku station, which is uncrowded once in a blue moon, i would most probably bump into no less than 5 people who are apparently in a hurry for a rendezvous. or inside the train, ill probably be standing all throughout the ride in front of a couple, sitted across me, whispering whatevers in each other's ears. how unfair is that? they get to have a seat and someone to hold hands with? but hey...im not complaining. if there's one person who should know that feb. 14 is more like a single's awareness day than what most people think it is, it should be me--the one who's perpetually reminded of her being unattached for centuries. what with all these couples who indifferently appear everywhere around me. perhaps i should start carrying a sign saying "im single, i get jealous so please no public display of affection in front of me."
haha. that sounds pathetic. but really, im not bitter. for a milisecond there i thought its unfair, but at this very moment im actually indifferent. besides im still young, its not my time to worry about being an old maid...just yet.
if it will come, it'll come. if it doesnt, then it doesnt. ill just sing all by myself, with bridget jones, at the top of my lungs...cry like theres no tomorrow..wail, if i have to..eat gallons of ice-cream. i'm sure ill be fine. (why dont they sell ice-cream in gallons here by the way?!nakakamiss ang icecream ng pinas!)
i knew it.
i knew this year's heart's day is just going to be like my past feb. 14 days: chocolate-less, flower-less, greetingcard-less, jerk-less (even for a suitor...zero, zilch, null, void, wala, nada!). added to that is the fact that here in Japan, its the women who give chocolates and not the men (but in fairness, they do get their turn to spend on March 14). oh well...its not like im not used to it.
i will set my alarm clock at 4 pm to do my homework for that day but would end up waking up (like all other days ive planned to wake up at 4 [which is everyweekday]) a few minutes before 6:30. i would try to talk to God (i'm bad, i oftentimes forget to pray) and hurry get breakfast. if i havent showered the night before i will hurry get a shower and pray that theres no long queue of koreans in the shower room. then ill get dressed, walk with verena to the train station and attempt to do my homework inside the train while trying to breathe and survive amidst the mass of people that would no doubt flock the saikyo that day like all mornings. when i get to class...well that's a monday so i only have morning class...well you know how classes are, ill just sit there listening half of the time and pretending to listen in the other half. end of class...so straight home, where else should i go? in shinjuku station, which is uncrowded once in a blue moon, i would most probably bump into no less than 5 people who are apparently in a hurry for a rendezvous. or inside the train, ill probably be standing all throughout the ride in front of a couple, sitted across me, whispering whatevers in each other's ears. how unfair is that? they get to have a seat and someone to hold hands with? but hey...im not complaining. if there's one person who should know that feb. 14 is more like a single's awareness day than what most people think it is, it should be me--the one who's perpetually reminded of her being unattached for centuries. what with all these couples who indifferently appear everywhere around me. perhaps i should start carrying a sign saying "im single, i get jealous so please no public display of affection in front of me."
haha. that sounds pathetic. but really, im not bitter. for a milisecond there i thought its unfair, but at this very moment im actually indifferent. besides im still young, its not my time to worry about being an old maid...just yet.
if it will come, it'll come. if it doesnt, then it doesnt. ill just sing all by myself, with bridget jones, at the top of my lungs...cry like theres no tomorrow..wail, if i have to..eat gallons of ice-cream. i'm sure ill be fine. (why dont they sell ice-cream in gallons here by the way?!nakakamiss ang icecream ng pinas!)
caught a falling star @ 11:04 PM
0...comments
Saturday, January 22, 2005
i am loved
God was really nice to me these days. I can feel His presence now more than ever in my life. I have prayed to Him, since i was a kid, to make me this daughter He wants me to be and i feel He's doing just that. ^_^
caught a falling star @ 9:04 AM
3...comments
something wonderful
i would always say that if there's one thing i learned from the many times i got my heart crushed it would be that, we oftentimes underestimate the capacity of our hearts by worrying about when our hearts will be cured or if they can ever be mended again, when in fact hearts can heal faster than we think they could. but i realized just now, that when hearts heal--they get tougher too. it is a bit scary coz the tougher it gets, the less faith it has in love. so please hurry my someone before i lose all the faith i still have left in love.
"when i finally get kissed, i'll know...when you kiss someone, everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that youre supposed to kiss for the rest of your life and for one moment, you get this amazing gift and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry coz you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time." and josie got that kiss after years of waiting.
i just wish something wonderful happens to me too. it is a miracle in itself if you get to meet someone who looks at you with the same admiration and endearment you have when you look back in that person's eyes. that miracle has yet to happen to me.
i get jealous with people who get to meet that miracle...some lasts, some doesnt but gets to encounter one miracle after another. i really just wanna know how it feels. is that too much to ask for?
i dont have to wait. i can always walk up to some random guy i have liked a lot at some point and maybe one or two of them would even be grateful i confessed. i could do that, but i wont. i get tired of waiting(you'd know how it feels if youre one of the josies of the world),...but i'd rather wait than kiss a jerk who only realized my worth after i was brave enough to admit my feelings to him. i dont really know what it is...maybe im just trying to defend my being a scaredy-cat in letting a guy in on my feelings...or maybe i just love my self too much to think i deserve more than a jerk like that.
just like what josie said the right guy is out there. my right guy is out there and he's someone who wont leave the job of "confessing first" to me, because he can see me as someone worth taking a risk for. and i am not going to kiss a bunch of jerks just to get to him.
"does he hear my heart screaming his name? sometimes it's so loud i think that the gods can hear my pain"...so goes josie reciting shakespeare in never been kissed.
i would always say that if there's one thing i learned from the many times i got my heart crushed it would be that, we oftentimes underestimate the capacity of our hearts by worrying about when our hearts will be cured or if they can ever be mended again, when in fact hearts can heal faster than we think they could. but i realized just now, that when hearts heal--they get tougher too. it is a bit scary coz the tougher it gets, the less faith it has in love. so please hurry my someone before i lose all the faith i still have left in love.
"when i finally get kissed, i'll know...when you kiss someone, everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that youre supposed to kiss for the rest of your life and for one moment, you get this amazing gift and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry coz you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time." and josie got that kiss after years of waiting.
i just wish something wonderful happens to me too. it is a miracle in itself if you get to meet someone who looks at you with the same admiration and endearment you have when you look back in that person's eyes. that miracle has yet to happen to me.
i get jealous with people who get to meet that miracle...some lasts, some doesnt but gets to encounter one miracle after another. i really just wanna know how it feels. is that too much to ask for?
i dont have to wait. i can always walk up to some random guy i have liked a lot at some point and maybe one or two of them would even be grateful i confessed. i could do that, but i wont. i get tired of waiting(you'd know how it feels if youre one of the josies of the world),...but i'd rather wait than kiss a jerk who only realized my worth after i was brave enough to admit my feelings to him. i dont really know what it is...maybe im just trying to defend my being a scaredy-cat in letting a guy in on my feelings...or maybe i just love my self too much to think i deserve more than a jerk like that.
just like what josie said the right guy is out there. my right guy is out there and he's someone who wont leave the job of "confessing first" to me, because he can see me as someone worth taking a risk for. and i am not going to kiss a bunch of jerks just to get to him.
caught a falling star @ 1:44 AM
1...comments
if today was two years ago
this is my astrological forecast for tomorrow (oh..actually today, didnt notice its past past 12 already):
*** While you're ever appreciative of the mysterious nature of love, you also can't help but try to control it. Let yourself and your heart go now -- your love karma will take care of the rest.
*** Throw yourself into the path of something wonderful. What's a little pain when you can trade it for so much gain? The younger you are, the greater your sense of discovery. Veterans welcome a familiar feeling.
* sigh. i have a song for mc when he left for korea...and when i was trying to get him out of my system ("i think i'm gonna be sad, i think its today...the boy that's driving me mad is going away...he's got a ticket to ride, he's got a ticket to ride, he's got a ticket to ride and he dont care" - carpenters' ticket to ride) and just while im writing this, that song started playing on my headphones.
signs. signs. signs. if today was 2 years ago, these signs would have made me think that the heaven's trying to tell me something...that i should just patiently wait and just keep on falling. but its 2005 now and not 2003 and many times in my life i have tried to love with all my heart even without any rational reason, but my love has wound up being trampled, never reciprocated.
i may have been part of the problem, coz i may have made things much more complicated than they should really be. but what can i do? i may be brave at most times but im just a traditional girl and i wasnt born with the blood of a head-turner drop-dead gorgeous girl running in my veins. okay...enough...im getting a headache.
im not really into horoscopes or other new age thingies but funny how they sometimes have a perfect timing.
this is my astrological forecast for tomorrow (oh..actually today, didnt notice its past past 12 already):
*** While you're ever appreciative of the mysterious nature of love, you also can't help but try to control it. Let yourself and your heart go now -- your love karma will take care of the rest.
*** Throw yourself into the path of something wonderful. What's a little pain when you can trade it for so much gain? The younger you are, the greater your sense of discovery. Veterans welcome a familiar feeling.
* sigh. i have a song for mc when he left for korea...and when i was trying to get him out of my system ("i think i'm gonna be sad, i think its today...the boy that's driving me mad is going away...he's got a ticket to ride, he's got a ticket to ride, he's got a ticket to ride and he dont care" - carpenters' ticket to ride) and just while im writing this, that song started playing on my headphones.
signs. signs. signs. if today was 2 years ago, these signs would have made me think that the heaven's trying to tell me something...that i should just patiently wait and just keep on falling. but its 2005 now and not 2003 and many times in my life i have tried to love with all my heart even without any rational reason, but my love has wound up being trampled, never reciprocated.
i may have been part of the problem, coz i may have made things much more complicated than they should really be. but what can i do? i may be brave at most times but im just a traditional girl and i wasnt born with the blood of a head-turner drop-dead gorgeous girl running in my veins. okay...enough...im getting a headache.
caught a falling star @ 1:09 AM
2...comments
Friday, January 21, 2005
this 'something' else...
well this something else is in the form of a...(oh miryll, this is a secret)...guy by the name of..well the names not important anyway.
*sigh*
he opens doors...how many guys still do that these days? and i thought chivalry was a thing of the past, guess im wrong...^_^ [that's number 7 and 17 of my what i like in a boy post (7. someone who is gentle in his manly ways, 17. someone who respects women)] . and he's catholic too. in class this moring he was asking for a church. thats number 4 (without the last part) and number 46 ^_^ (4. faithful. to God...& 46. someone who kneels down and pray).
in class we were asked that if we were superman, what would our powers be. we were asked to give three. he said he'd be able to read our book minna no nihonggo in five minutes flat, and he'd be able to fly to the sun (and back, i assume...he wouldnt want to stay there very long ^_^)...i missed his other power though. aaargh. how could i not remember it?! aaargh.
but its a tiny tiny tiny crush though and im positive it wont grow exponentially. i just needed something to focus on and it just happened that he was standing in the way acting like an almost perfect gentleman--his fault. hehe... ^_^
i said i should be focusing my energy (or at least some of it) on something else...and i guess im doing just that. hahahaha...
well this something else is in the form of a...(oh miryll, this is a secret)...guy by the name of..well the names not important anyway.
*sigh*
he opens doors...how many guys still do that these days? and i thought chivalry was a thing of the past, guess im wrong...^_^ [that's number 7 and 17 of my what i like in a boy post (7. someone who is gentle in his manly ways, 17. someone who respects women)] . and he's catholic too. in class this moring he was asking for a church. thats number 4 (without the last part) and number 46 ^_^ (4. faithful. to God...& 46. someone who kneels down and pray).
in class we were asked that if we were superman, what would our powers be. we were asked to give three. he said he'd be able to read our book minna no nihonggo in five minutes flat, and he'd be able to fly to the sun (and back, i assume...he wouldnt want to stay there very long ^_^)...i missed his other power though. aaargh. how could i not remember it?! aaargh.
but its a tiny tiny tiny crush though and im positive it wont grow exponentially. i just needed something to focus on and it just happened that he was standing in the way acting like an almost perfect gentleman--his fault. hehe... ^_^
caught a falling star @ 8:28 PM
1...comments
*sigh
ive seen mc already...were supposed to be friends but i dont know why i havent really spoken a single word to him since the start of this term...err, i may have actually said a word...well i uttered a sound that was supposed to be a "yes" when he remarked something about the book i was buying (last wednesday, i think) but i was toooo busy being nervous i didnt even hear what he actually said.
whats soOo wrong with me?
this isnt normal anymore. i mean, i should be able to utter even a single sensible sentence to him--i mean i'm 21!!! i should be mature about this! *sigh
and besides i should be over him by now.
*sigh. i dont know. i still avoid him as much as i can. its just...aargh..i dont know...i feel like a little kid beside him and thats not a very good feeling when youre attracted to this 'him'.
hmmm...i should focus my energy into something else.
i sigh a lot...i guess people are more likely to sigh when they're overwhelmed by their feelings...and well, they just have to let it out...
ive seen mc already...were supposed to be friends but i dont know why i havent really spoken a single word to him since the start of this term...err, i may have actually said a word...well i uttered a sound that was supposed to be a "yes" when he remarked something about the book i was buying (last wednesday, i think) but i was toooo busy being nervous i didnt even hear what he actually said.
whats soOo wrong with me?
this isnt normal anymore. i mean, i should be able to utter even a single sensible sentence to him--i mean i'm 21!!! i should be mature about this! *sigh
and besides i should be over him by now.
*sigh. i dont know. i still avoid him as much as i can. its just...aargh..i dont know...i feel like a little kid beside him and thats not a very good feeling when youre attracted to this 'him'.
hmmm...i should focus my energy into something else.
caught a falling star @ 6:23 PM
2...comments
Sunday, January 16, 2005
i used to...
here are the poems i've kept...(some of my poems i may have not completely lost, theres still a possibility that i can unearth them from my boxes of old notebooks, notes, little loveletters (from friends) and whatevers in my room at home.)
Borrowed. Edited.
(this isnt really my poem. when i needed moving on myself, i borrowed it and edited.)
No, please don't try to reason with me.
This is too much.
I will try not to think of you
when I wake up in the morning
and ask myself if somehow you are also awake.
I have my own life to lead
and my own life to think of.
No, I wont even think of you
when I'm eating my lunch
wondering if you're doing the same thing...
Besides, sooner or later I know you will.
No. Never again will I go to my room
and lock my self in
Just to have some privacy to piteously think of you,
Imagine,
Dream,
Cry,
or do some silly things because of you...
That has deprived me of
more worthwhile things to do for the past months
and no; I won't let that happen again.
I have piles of readings to do,
People starving to death to pray for,
Dishes to wash,
A cave, filled with discarded candy wrappers,
crumpled papers,
long lost socks,
and probably newborn creatures
crawling around under my bed that I must fumigate...
I'd rather do those things than fill my mind
with thoughts of you once more.
And no, never will I think of you last
when I go to sleep.
Sleep is my only rest...
so please don't plague me in my dreams.
I am moving on.
I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile
And think not of why I was never part of your life
But that once you were part of mine...
and has once filled me with dreams
and hopes I never thought existed...
and smiles that unbelievably
filled my supposedly frown-full days.
And if I feel the need to cry,
it will not be for the future
that I doubt we will ever have,
it will not be because
I see you holding someone else's hand
and looking into somebody else's eyes
nor of the anger
or self-pity
that I feel inside,
but I will cry
Because of a love
that I never was able to share
with the one man that I felt it for.
I will cry for the love
that was lost,
A love that was not reciprocated
Or even received.
I will cry for the love
and not for the man
who left and ignored it.
I will try to give my affections to a man who is in need of it,
but not my heart...
Because...well...I still am trying to get it back from you.
I will try to give him the affections
that you never wanted...
I would try to think of him and not you.
He may not have the one thing
that I so loved about you
but at least he's here...
you��e not...
I��l try to muster all the strength
that I have from the deepest of my being
and have the courage to smile when I think of you...
i will try to smile
Even if it takes pretension.
It will be tough...but...
I am moving on now...
I want to move on...
until the make-believe smile becomes real...
I am moving on now...
And hoping that the next thing would be letting go.
You Stood There
(written ages ago)
You stood there
And my heart was caught off guard.
Never wanting to leave your sight
Yet hoping the earth would open up and swallow me whole.
But the earth didn't.
It let me melt, and go unnoticed like the tears in the rain.
I hope the rain would stop.
Coz I want you to see me like the stars in the night,
a candle in the dark.
But it was early in the morning.
The sun shines bright up as your smile glows with it.
Oh I could smile that way, too.
But would you see it?
Would you see me the way I see you?
Naah.
I breathe my last breath without knowing you love me too.
Now you're looking at the sky
Smiling.
Hoping I was there with you.
I smiled too.
Though you can never see me...
You stood there...and I am with you.
Untitled I
(written ages ago)
I see the roses
but I couldn't smell it.
The winds made it dance gracefully in the air.
But all I saw was a soul struggling to stand up.
I look at the sky.
The clouds are overwhelming.
It looked down upon me.
Quiet and sad.
Then it cried.
Weeping as I quivered in the cold of the night.
Lamentations went on.
And on until the darkness devoured me.
Eating my hopes, my dreams,
and everything that was left of the light.
The blinding brightness welcomed me in the morning.
Another day to smell the roses,
another day to cry.
And my heart sunk
for there is no way out.
I walked just a couple of steps.
My knees and my feet whined.
The weight on my feet is getting burdensome.
How I longed to recline.
Just when I was to give up,
I very least expected it that my soul would be lifted high.
I have waited a lifetime for this moment
Thinking it will never come.
But it did.
How can I ever thank you dear,
For giving me that smile.
Untitled II
( written ages ago [-> w.a.a.])
I begged for the stars
To shine upon you
in the hours of darkness.
In the cold of the night.
For I couldn't be there
even if I long to be at your side.
I begged the winds to blow upon you.
Touch your face
the way I would have wanted to.
And whisper the words
I could not utter to you.
I begged for the road to be gentle.
Roll out its invisible carpet along your path.
Even out its impurities.
I wish you'd have a pleasant journey in this life.
I begged for the storm to come tomorrow instead of today.
Let you relish the daylight.
Enjoy the moment.
Laugh today.
I would have given every single possession I hold
to have my pleas be heard up above.
But I guess that is not the true desire of my heart.
What I longed for from the start...
What my heart pleads to have.
The world be turned upside down...
Have you look at me with the same eyes I have for you now
And beg for these things I beg now.
Star-crossed
(w.a.a.)
I wanted to touch the stars,
the moon,
the sky.
But they are far from my reach.
Far from my grasp.
I wanted to dance with the wind.
But there is no wind.
And my feet are sore.
I wanted to hear the birds singing.
But they've gone mute.
And I've gone deaf.
I wanted to smell the roses.
But they haven't bloomed yet.
They are sleeping,
still dreaming in the bosom of their shelter.
I wanted to see the apple turn orange.
But it never will.
Even if a wait relentlessly,
Waste my youth,
orFritter away what was left of my life.
I wanted to tell a story.
But I know nothing.
And no one would hear me.
I wanted to keep the dawn.
I wanted to hide from the light...
and the dark.
But the morning came,
the noon,
the dusk
and the night.
I wanted to dream of happy thoughts.
But in the hours of darkness
I am always left shuddering with fright.
From visions of menacing figures
Playing in my head.
Playing in my heart.
I wanted to cry.
And release all my angst.
Relieve myself of sorrow.
So I could smile at last.
But I have no tears left.
No tears left to weep.
All the things I longed for never ensued.
Was I to blame for yearning too much?
For craving the impossible,
For looking for what was not there and could never be there?
Or was I just ill-fated...
Unlucky in this life.
Sa tabi ng daan
(w.a.a.)
Paparating na naman ang auto
Maalikabukan na naman ako.
Magkukulay putik
Ang dating mapupulang damit ko.
Ilang araw na lang at malalagas na ako
Babalik sa lupa
O kaya nama'y dadalhin
Ng hangin sa malayong lupain
Maaaring apak-apakan
O kaya'y hindi pansinin
Nakakalungkot
Bakit doon pa ako umusbong?
Kung saan walang
Magtatangkang tumigil
Upang ako'y pagmasdan
Kungsaan ang aking halimuyak ay hindi magattagal
Bakit doon...
Doon sa tabi ng daan.
Please don't.
(w.a.a.)
Please don't stare at me like that...
As if you're seeing through me...
As if just another second and you'll know my thoughts...
And as if you're happy reading
and knowing what's in my heart and mind...
Please don't.
Please don't smile that way...
As if there's no tomorrow...
As if you're happy to just see me...
As if you're happy I�� there...
As if you're grateful that the world seemed to conspire to bring us together.
Please don't.
Please don't say things
that might lead me to think I'm special...
That might make me believe in my dreams...
That might make me hope...
More than I should.
Please don't.
Please don't act as if you care...
I�� begging you...please don't.
Because every time you do that...
It leaves a smile on my face.
A smile I know would soon fade��
Miles
(w.a.a.)
Here I go again
Cracking my brain with memories of you
Leaving my heart in pain
But still doing the same
I've kept you in my heart
Along with the hopes,
The fears, the love, the doubt
It's where you are
And where you'll always be
You stole my heart
And now I cant seem to take it back
I feel so hopeless and weak
And yet I always want to feel this way.
Our worlds had always been apart
And now even a sight of you
I can't have
But I love you just the same
Though were
thousands and thousands of miles apart
Might as well
(w.a.a.)
Because I am not a wind
and I couldn't whisper in your ears
or even come close to you.
Because I am in tears inside
but my eyes wont betray me
and instead I fake a smile.
Because I try to utter a word
but nothings coming out of my mouth
Because I cant wait in vain
for the moment to come...
and because this is not a perfect world
and I couldn't be at your side...
I might as well just write poems...
Living in dreams.
(w.a.a.)
I looked into your eyes
and I knew I was living in my dreams.
I stared at you
and I knew when I wake up
my heart would be broken.
All over again.
But it is okay.
This is all a dream anyway.
I looked at you for the second time
and I knew I want to live in my dreams.
I wish I don't have to wake up.
Because this is where I want to be.
In your arms.
Safe.
In your arms.
Even only in dreams.
This is where I'll be.
No one can take me away from here.
I looked at you for the third time.
and was stunned by what i saw
You were also living in your dreams.
Right here with me.
You don't want to wake up.
With me is where you want to be.
Safe.
Even only in dreams
Is This Me?
(w.a. and ages a.)
I've always wondered what it is inside of me
The real person that I ought to be
Outside I am happy, warm, and free.
But why am I sad when everything around me seems so glad?
Sometimes it seem to me that the world around me don't agree
To what I am feeling inside of me
When I look at the mirrorI see the usual me.
The picture of the childish little girl
That my friends have known me.
I should be problem-free
Like the child I'm still supposed to be
But why do lots of things bother me?
Why can't I appreciate the good things that are happening to me?
How can I feel so incomplete when God provided me abundantly?
What is the deeper color of the picture I see?
Is this really me?
How can a heart heal?
(this ones unfinished...but written ages ago na din)
How can a heart heal?
If questions were left unanswered.
If the dawn keeps on coming
When all I needed is to hide in the dark...
Be devoured by the night...
And succumb in an endless sleep.
How can one come out
Unsullied and unwounded
after diving into the sea
that has promised me warmth
but only gave me cold instead?
The ghosts and monsters still hunt me in my dreams...
I held out a hand to you...
But you were looking somewhere else...
Until the rabble engulf me...
Her Paradox.
(w.a.a.)
She smiles though she's sad.
She stands though she's tired
She hopes though she despairs.
She believes though she doubts
She lives though inside she's dying
She dreams though awake
She could feel in spite her numbness
She knows yet she's clueless.
She's strong yet weak.
Goodbye.
(may '04)
And I walked passed that road again.
Like all the other days...
The memory hunts me once more.
And I felt sorrow the way it never hurt before.
It was more real.
More painful.
The tears
It seemed to pour without end.
And despite my resolve to never recall...
I reminisce you calling my name.
And the sound of it cuts through my deepest being...
Why did you have to call me then?
You called me and paced that road to home with me...
You never held my hand
Or walked me to the end...
And that was okay.
Not until that fateful day
When even after we part ways
I feel your presence...
When though our talks lasted for only a while
It plays ceaselessly on my mind,
Like a film shown a thousand times.
I didn't know all along,
I haven't been guarding my heart.
I didn't know all along,
You could entrap my heart.
But how I wish now it never happened...
Had I known it was all too easy for you to desert me just like that...
I am saying goodbye now.
I will try to leave you and the memories to yesterday...
Where it belong...
Where it will be distant,
It can wound me no more.
I will let the gallant waves
Wash away the sand castle of hope I built for us...
Bid farewell
So I could move on at last.
Tomorrow when I walk pass that road,
I fear your shadow would hound me again...
So if I feel the need to cry,
I will let the tears flow
Until there's no more left to cry...
But no,
It will not be for the misery you left me with
Nor for the sand castle that is all gone now...
It will be for the girl that I once was...
The girl who fell for you.
The girl I will have to leave behind...
with you and the memories... in the past.
An Apology
(w.a.a.)
When I first saw you,
I wasn't expecting it would turn out like this.
You were standing there in the hallway
And I was approaching your way.
Your figure caught my eyes.
Back then I didn't know it caught my heart too.
The days flew so rapidly
As if they are bullets that just got out of their prison cell.
My heart grew fonder of you.
There were even days that your sight is an aspirin for me.
Or a Prozac I can't live without.
It relieves me from the sadness of every day.
But then at times it is a disease.
And sometimes a thief
that robs me of my energy, hopes, and dreams.
I get so weak when you're near.
But I get even weaker
when you are too far to reach.
I must have given you headaches those days,
But I hope I didn't.
I know you have noticed me
Glancing at you so often.
I am so sorry I have to do that.
I tried not to.
Really tried.
But it has become the habit of my eyes.
Sorry if it agitates you so badly.
It perks up my mornings
knowing that I would be seeing you in a while.
I bet it's the opposite for you.
I am sorry if I added to the reasons
why school just sucks for you.
I hope you know
I never meant to make you feel that way.
At night, I am sorry if I ever woke you up with my pleas.
But I guess you never heard it
because despite my wishes
I never saw you in my dreams.
I'm sorry you have to bear with the attention I am giving you.
I know you never asked
or even wanted it.
I never meant to be selfish.
Falling for you was never my plan.
So now I bid you goodbye.
Sparing you a life without me
is all I could offer now.
Please accept my apology....
Pardon me again...for until now I am hoping that
All I said were results of another paranoia attack...
That those apologies were never really needed
For you have always loved me too from the start.
After Beloved
(w.a.a.)
I am in love with the passionflower.
Its pale lavender color, its soft petals
And its perfume-like scent.
I have only heard of it.
Haven't laid eyes on it even in pictures yet.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the stars.
The way it stood out in the dark night sky.
The way it promise hopes and wishes come true
In its bright light amidst the blackness of the night sky.
I don't know how to reach it.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the wings of an angel.
Its feathers in its sheen whiteness.
The sound of it when it flutters
The way it carries those heavenly beings up above.
If they exists, I'm not sure.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the rainbow.
The way it puts back color and mirth in the sky
after it was robbed of its glow by the fuming storm.
The way it belies hopelessness, anxiety, and fear.
I still can't find where it starts and ends.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the soft wind.
The feel of its touch on my cheeks.
It embraces me with its gentleness and caresses me deep within.
I don't know why it never gets tired of always being there without being seen.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the fairytales
It was sprinkled with charm
And made to tickle the heart of a child.
I don't know why it always has to have happy-endings.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with music.
With every note that possesses harmony.
It scares all my worries and troubles away.
I can't grasp why it always wipes away my tears.
But I know someday I will.
Most of all, I am in love with you.
For no real reason at all.
I never got used to the sound of my heart catching in my throat
at the sight of you.
My heart just can't contain the idea
of shooing the butterflies
that swarms my tummy when you're nearing me.
You and I are two wonderful worlds apart
And I'd faint in disbelief and overwhelming joy
if you smile at me one day.
I know your name and I guess you've heard mine.
We often cross paths in the hallways.
But mere strangers--that's what we are.
Will fate be nice and tell me one day,
You feel the same for me too?
I don't know when will that be.
But I hope someday I will.
Again.
(w.a.a.)
I'm in tears.
Again.
A flower no one has ever stopped at to smell.
A sun shining brightly up above but no one has ever bothered to gaze upon.
A rain meaning to give life to a wilting flower but all welcomed with scorn.
A song beautifully made but no one ever heard.
A guitar never played.
A paper no one ever used.
A dress never tried on.
A story never told.
I'm in tears.
Again.
...write poems ages ago. they all seem to revolve around the same thing: my unlovelife lovelife. but i wonder howcome i cant do the same thing now...i mean, there still are probably a thousand words i havent used yet to describe The Catastrophe, which is also known as my ill-fated lovelife...i guess i just dont seem to have enough of the faith i had in love before, or maybe i just had a short-lived poetic inclination...whatever it was, i still lack of it now.
here are the poems i've kept...(some of my poems i may have not completely lost, theres still a possibility that i can unearth them from my boxes of old notebooks, notes, little loveletters (from friends) and whatevers in my room at home.)
Borrowed. Edited.
(this isnt really my poem. when i needed moving on myself, i borrowed it and edited.)
No, please don't try to reason with me.
This is too much.
I will try not to think of you
when I wake up in the morning
and ask myself if somehow you are also awake.
I have my own life to lead
and my own life to think of.
No, I wont even think of you
when I'm eating my lunch
wondering if you're doing the same thing...
Besides, sooner or later I know you will.
No. Never again will I go to my room
and lock my self in
Just to have some privacy to piteously think of you,
Imagine,
Dream,
Cry,
or do some silly things because of you...
That has deprived me of
more worthwhile things to do for the past months
and no; I won't let that happen again.
I have piles of readings to do,
People starving to death to pray for,
Dishes to wash,
A cave, filled with discarded candy wrappers,
crumpled papers,
long lost socks,
and probably newborn creatures
crawling around under my bed that I must fumigate...
I'd rather do those things than fill my mind
with thoughts of you once more.
And no, never will I think of you last
when I go to sleep.
Sleep is my only rest...
so please don't plague me in my dreams.
I am moving on.
I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile
And think not of why I was never part of your life
But that once you were part of mine...
and has once filled me with dreams
and hopes I never thought existed...
and smiles that unbelievably
filled my supposedly frown-full days.
And if I feel the need to cry,
it will not be for the future
that I doubt we will ever have,
it will not be because
I see you holding someone else's hand
and looking into somebody else's eyes
nor of the anger
or self-pity
that I feel inside,
but I will cry
Because of a love
that I never was able to share
with the one man that I felt it for.
I will cry for the love
that was lost,
A love that was not reciprocated
Or even received.
I will cry for the love
and not for the man
who left and ignored it.
I will try to give my affections to a man who is in need of it,
but not my heart...
Because...well...I still am trying to get it back from you.
I will try to give him the affections
that you never wanted...
I would try to think of him and not you.
He may not have the one thing
that I so loved about you
but at least he's here...
you��e not...
I��l try to muster all the strength
that I have from the deepest of my being
and have the courage to smile when I think of you...
i will try to smile
Even if it takes pretension.
It will be tough...but...
I am moving on now...
I want to move on...
until the make-believe smile becomes real...
I am moving on now...
And hoping that the next thing would be letting go.
You Stood There
(written ages ago)
You stood there
And my heart was caught off guard.
Never wanting to leave your sight
Yet hoping the earth would open up and swallow me whole.
But the earth didn't.
It let me melt, and go unnoticed like the tears in the rain.
I hope the rain would stop.
Coz I want you to see me like the stars in the night,
a candle in the dark.
But it was early in the morning.
The sun shines bright up as your smile glows with it.
Oh I could smile that way, too.
But would you see it?
Would you see me the way I see you?
Naah.
I breathe my last breath without knowing you love me too.
Now you're looking at the sky
Smiling.
Hoping I was there with you.
I smiled too.
Though you can never see me...
You stood there...and I am with you.
Untitled I
(written ages ago)
I see the roses
but I couldn't smell it.
The winds made it dance gracefully in the air.
But all I saw was a soul struggling to stand up.
I look at the sky.
The clouds are overwhelming.
It looked down upon me.
Quiet and sad.
Then it cried.
Weeping as I quivered in the cold of the night.
Lamentations went on.
And on until the darkness devoured me.
Eating my hopes, my dreams,
and everything that was left of the light.
The blinding brightness welcomed me in the morning.
Another day to smell the roses,
another day to cry.
And my heart sunk
for there is no way out.
I walked just a couple of steps.
My knees and my feet whined.
The weight on my feet is getting burdensome.
How I longed to recline.
Just when I was to give up,
I very least expected it that my soul would be lifted high.
I have waited a lifetime for this moment
Thinking it will never come.
But it did.
How can I ever thank you dear,
For giving me that smile.
Untitled II
( written ages ago [-> w.a.a.])
I begged for the stars
To shine upon you
in the hours of darkness.
In the cold of the night.
For I couldn't be there
even if I long to be at your side.
I begged the winds to blow upon you.
Touch your face
the way I would have wanted to.
And whisper the words
I could not utter to you.
I begged for the road to be gentle.
Roll out its invisible carpet along your path.
Even out its impurities.
I wish you'd have a pleasant journey in this life.
I begged for the storm to come tomorrow instead of today.
Let you relish the daylight.
Enjoy the moment.
Laugh today.
I would have given every single possession I hold
to have my pleas be heard up above.
But I guess that is not the true desire of my heart.
What I longed for from the start...
What my heart pleads to have.
The world be turned upside down...
Have you look at me with the same eyes I have for you now
And beg for these things I beg now.
Star-crossed
(w.a.a.)
I wanted to touch the stars,
the moon,
the sky.
But they are far from my reach.
Far from my grasp.
I wanted to dance with the wind.
But there is no wind.
And my feet are sore.
I wanted to hear the birds singing.
But they've gone mute.
And I've gone deaf.
I wanted to smell the roses.
But they haven't bloomed yet.
They are sleeping,
still dreaming in the bosom of their shelter.
I wanted to see the apple turn orange.
But it never will.
Even if a wait relentlessly,
Waste my youth,
orFritter away what was left of my life.
I wanted to tell a story.
But I know nothing.
And no one would hear me.
I wanted to keep the dawn.
I wanted to hide from the light...
and the dark.
But the morning came,
the noon,
the dusk
and the night.
I wanted to dream of happy thoughts.
But in the hours of darkness
I am always left shuddering with fright.
From visions of menacing figures
Playing in my head.
Playing in my heart.
I wanted to cry.
And release all my angst.
Relieve myself of sorrow.
So I could smile at last.
But I have no tears left.
No tears left to weep.
All the things I longed for never ensued.
Was I to blame for yearning too much?
For craving the impossible,
For looking for what was not there and could never be there?
Or was I just ill-fated...
Unlucky in this life.
Sa tabi ng daan
(w.a.a.)
Paparating na naman ang auto
Maalikabukan na naman ako.
Magkukulay putik
Ang dating mapupulang damit ko.
Ilang araw na lang at malalagas na ako
Babalik sa lupa
O kaya nama'y dadalhin
Ng hangin sa malayong lupain
Maaaring apak-apakan
O kaya'y hindi pansinin
Nakakalungkot
Bakit doon pa ako umusbong?
Kung saan walang
Magtatangkang tumigil
Upang ako'y pagmasdan
Kungsaan ang aking halimuyak ay hindi magattagal
Bakit doon...
Doon sa tabi ng daan.
Please don't.
(w.a.a.)
Please don't stare at me like that...
As if you're seeing through me...
As if just another second and you'll know my thoughts...
And as if you're happy reading
and knowing what's in my heart and mind...
Please don't.
Please don't smile that way...
As if there's no tomorrow...
As if you're happy to just see me...
As if you're happy I�� there...
As if you're grateful that the world seemed to conspire to bring us together.
Please don't.
Please don't say things
that might lead me to think I'm special...
That might make me believe in my dreams...
That might make me hope...
More than I should.
Please don't.
Please don't act as if you care...
I�� begging you...please don't.
Because every time you do that...
It leaves a smile on my face.
A smile I know would soon fade��
Miles
(w.a.a.)
Here I go again
Cracking my brain with memories of you
Leaving my heart in pain
But still doing the same
I've kept you in my heart
Along with the hopes,
The fears, the love, the doubt
It's where you are
And where you'll always be
You stole my heart
And now I cant seem to take it back
I feel so hopeless and weak
And yet I always want to feel this way.
Our worlds had always been apart
And now even a sight of you
I can't have
But I love you just the same
Though were
thousands and thousands of miles apart
Might as well
(w.a.a.)
Because I am not a wind
and I couldn't whisper in your ears
or even come close to you.
Because I am in tears inside
but my eyes wont betray me
and instead I fake a smile.
Because I try to utter a word
but nothings coming out of my mouth
Because I cant wait in vain
for the moment to come...
and because this is not a perfect world
and I couldn't be at your side...
I might as well just write poems...
Living in dreams.
(w.a.a.)
I looked into your eyes
and I knew I was living in my dreams.
I stared at you
and I knew when I wake up
my heart would be broken.
All over again.
But it is okay.
This is all a dream anyway.
I looked at you for the second time
and I knew I want to live in my dreams.
I wish I don't have to wake up.
Because this is where I want to be.
In your arms.
Safe.
In your arms.
Even only in dreams.
This is where I'll be.
No one can take me away from here.
I looked at you for the third time.
and was stunned by what i saw
You were also living in your dreams.
Right here with me.
You don't want to wake up.
With me is where you want to be.
Safe.
Even only in dreams
Is This Me?
(w.a. and ages a.)
I've always wondered what it is inside of me
The real person that I ought to be
Outside I am happy, warm, and free.
But why am I sad when everything around me seems so glad?
Sometimes it seem to me that the world around me don't agree
To what I am feeling inside of me
When I look at the mirrorI see the usual me.
The picture of the childish little girl
That my friends have known me.
I should be problem-free
Like the child I'm still supposed to be
But why do lots of things bother me?
Why can't I appreciate the good things that are happening to me?
How can I feel so incomplete when God provided me abundantly?
What is the deeper color of the picture I see?
Is this really me?
How can a heart heal?
(this ones unfinished...but written ages ago na din)
How can a heart heal?
If questions were left unanswered.
If the dawn keeps on coming
When all I needed is to hide in the dark...
Be devoured by the night...
And succumb in an endless sleep.
How can one come out
Unsullied and unwounded
after diving into the sea
that has promised me warmth
but only gave me cold instead?
The ghosts and monsters still hunt me in my dreams...
I held out a hand to you...
But you were looking somewhere else...
Until the rabble engulf me...
Her Paradox.
(w.a.a.)
She smiles though she's sad.
She stands though she's tired
She hopes though she despairs.
She believes though she doubts
She lives though inside she's dying
She dreams though awake
She could feel in spite her numbness
She knows yet she's clueless.
She's strong yet weak.
Goodbye.
(may '04)
And I walked passed that road again.
Like all the other days...
The memory hunts me once more.
And I felt sorrow the way it never hurt before.
It was more real.
More painful.
The tears
It seemed to pour without end.
And despite my resolve to never recall...
I reminisce you calling my name.
And the sound of it cuts through my deepest being...
Why did you have to call me then?
You called me and paced that road to home with me...
You never held my hand
Or walked me to the end...
And that was okay.
Not until that fateful day
When even after we part ways
I feel your presence...
When though our talks lasted for only a while
It plays ceaselessly on my mind,
Like a film shown a thousand times.
I didn't know all along,
I haven't been guarding my heart.
I didn't know all along,
You could entrap my heart.
But how I wish now it never happened...
Had I known it was all too easy for you to desert me just like that...
I am saying goodbye now.
I will try to leave you and the memories to yesterday...
Where it belong...
Where it will be distant,
It can wound me no more.
I will let the gallant waves
Wash away the sand castle of hope I built for us...
Bid farewell
So I could move on at last.
Tomorrow when I walk pass that road,
I fear your shadow would hound me again...
So if I feel the need to cry,
I will let the tears flow
Until there's no more left to cry...
But no,
It will not be for the misery you left me with
Nor for the sand castle that is all gone now...
It will be for the girl that I once was...
The girl who fell for you.
The girl I will have to leave behind...
with you and the memories... in the past.
An Apology
(w.a.a.)
When I first saw you,
I wasn't expecting it would turn out like this.
You were standing there in the hallway
And I was approaching your way.
Your figure caught my eyes.
Back then I didn't know it caught my heart too.
The days flew so rapidly
As if they are bullets that just got out of their prison cell.
My heart grew fonder of you.
There were even days that your sight is an aspirin for me.
Or a Prozac I can't live without.
It relieves me from the sadness of every day.
But then at times it is a disease.
And sometimes a thief
that robs me of my energy, hopes, and dreams.
I get so weak when you're near.
But I get even weaker
when you are too far to reach.
I must have given you headaches those days,
But I hope I didn't.
I know you have noticed me
Glancing at you so often.
I am so sorry I have to do that.
I tried not to.
Really tried.
But it has become the habit of my eyes.
Sorry if it agitates you so badly.
It perks up my mornings
knowing that I would be seeing you in a while.
I bet it's the opposite for you.
I am sorry if I added to the reasons
why school just sucks for you.
I hope you know
I never meant to make you feel that way.
At night, I am sorry if I ever woke you up with my pleas.
But I guess you never heard it
because despite my wishes
I never saw you in my dreams.
I'm sorry you have to bear with the attention I am giving you.
I know you never asked
or even wanted it.
I never meant to be selfish.
Falling for you was never my plan.
So now I bid you goodbye.
Sparing you a life without me
is all I could offer now.
Please accept my apology....
Pardon me again...for until now I am hoping that
All I said were results of another paranoia attack...
That those apologies were never really needed
For you have always loved me too from the start.
After Beloved
(w.a.a.)
I am in love with the passionflower.
Its pale lavender color, its soft petals
And its perfume-like scent.
I have only heard of it.
Haven't laid eyes on it even in pictures yet.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the stars.
The way it stood out in the dark night sky.
The way it promise hopes and wishes come true
In its bright light amidst the blackness of the night sky.
I don't know how to reach it.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the wings of an angel.
Its feathers in its sheen whiteness.
The sound of it when it flutters
The way it carries those heavenly beings up above.
If they exists, I'm not sure.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the rainbow.
The way it puts back color and mirth in the sky
after it was robbed of its glow by the fuming storm.
The way it belies hopelessness, anxiety, and fear.
I still can't find where it starts and ends.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the soft wind.
The feel of its touch on my cheeks.
It embraces me with its gentleness and caresses me deep within.
I don't know why it never gets tired of always being there without being seen.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the fairytales
It was sprinkled with charm
And made to tickle the heart of a child.
I don't know why it always has to have happy-endings.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with music.
With every note that possesses harmony.
It scares all my worries and troubles away.
I can't grasp why it always wipes away my tears.
But I know someday I will.
Most of all, I am in love with you.
For no real reason at all.
I never got used to the sound of my heart catching in my throat
at the sight of you.
My heart just can't contain the idea
of shooing the butterflies
that swarms my tummy when you're nearing me.
You and I are two wonderful worlds apart
And I'd faint in disbelief and overwhelming joy
if you smile at me one day.
I know your name and I guess you've heard mine.
We often cross paths in the hallways.
But mere strangers--that's what we are.
Will fate be nice and tell me one day,
You feel the same for me too?
I don't know when will that be.
But I hope someday I will.
Again.
(w.a.a.)
I'm in tears.
Again.
A flower no one has ever stopped at to smell.
A sun shining brightly up above but no one has ever bothered to gaze upon.
A rain meaning to give life to a wilting flower but all welcomed with scorn.
A song beautifully made but no one ever heard.
A guitar never played.
A paper no one ever used.
A dress never tried on.
A story never told.
I'm in tears.
Again.
caught a falling star @ 11:31 AM
1...comments
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
absence makes the heart grow fonder
yesterday night i had a chat with my sister and my parents. i dont know why but almost everytime i get to talk to them, i cant help but cry. i miss them terribly.
they asked me if i have a new bag. hehehe, they know me too well to know that a month wont pass by without me acquiring a new bag (even when i dont have money. hehe). they said i have a lot of new stuff piled up on my study table now: christmas presents from my aunts and from them, bags, and just random things they bought for me when they go out. and i asked them if mama is still obsessed with skirts (she wears a skirt everytime they hear mass and that's everyday because my father is a lay minister in UP chapel) and they said she now have a total of 60 skirts and i was like--60?!? whoah!i didnt think she was that crazy about skirts!! (hehe).
i terribly terribly miss them.
being away from them made me realize i really cant live without them. back at home mama and i would have really petty fights. we would fight for the most shallow reason. and we would give each other silent treatment until someone gives up (which is usually me. ^_^). and whats amazing is i just know we fight for the silliest reason but i cant remember anymore what exactly they are, i guess for people you really love, you just easily forget things like that. except for this single fight i had with papa.
he made me give up my first theater play...well, no not really, he DIDNT actually asked me to quit, i was only forced to because everytime he and mama drives me home from practice we would always have an argument to the point that one time he got really mad and drove really fast i thought we'll crash into a random HUGE smoke-belching bus. so that was it. i stopped. i had always dreamed to be in a real theater play. so two of my friends and i auditioned for this play in my university and luckily (or so i thought then), i got the role. it was nothing big but i think it was one of the major parts in the play coz i have an alternate (i dont know how they exactly call an alternate in theater because i didnt have any connection with theater since then). it wasnt really because papa wasn't supportive of my dreams, my father was only against it because the play was activist in nature...backed up by activist groups in my university, and most people involved are activists (actually everyone except me and my friends), and the story itself. aside from practices, we would have these "discussions" supposed to enlighten us of the real plight of the filipino people and rallies too (which i almost often manage to have an excuse not to go). i would always tell papa that it doesnt matter coz im only there for the play and that no matter how many "discussions" i would go through they can never sway me from my belief that activism is not the only way to help your country, and i would ask papa to trust me on that. but he wont have any of it. he was once an activist when he was in highschool and he was jailed for a few days (for being an activist) during the tumultuous years of marcos dictatorship. so i quit. i dont want to argue anymore...and well, i guess i wanted to get more sleep (^_^ coz practices end really late at night). i can actually understand him now coz during the marcos dictatorship, many men are picked up, jailed, salvaged, and most never came home alive. it makes perfect sense now, he was only protecting me.
i miss home. i miss the laughs, and even the fights because it only means that im lucky i still have parents i can argue with (some kids dont even know who their parents are). i miss them and when i get home ill give the three of them a huge hug.
*sigh*
talk about another absence...mc.
*sigh*
i havent seen or heard anything about him for a really long time now (almost a month?). and i dont know. i dont stay online on msn, waiting in vain, for his unlikely message now (which is actually a good thing, i get enough sleep now ^_^). neither do i visit his website now. and i no longer use his picture on my yahoo messenger (^_^). im not having any insecurities about my height anymore...and the best thing is i dont think he's this super perfect guy anymore...
i guess not all absence makes the heart grow fonder after all...
but i dont know...its still too early to tell im no-crush-no-boyfriend-since-birth-and-PROUD falling star now. we'll see...
hmm...that's what they say. but i think not. well not in all cases.
yesterday night i had a chat with my sister and my parents. i dont know why but almost everytime i get to talk to them, i cant help but cry. i miss them terribly.
they asked me if i have a new bag. hehehe, they know me too well to know that a month wont pass by without me acquiring a new bag (even when i dont have money. hehe). they said i have a lot of new stuff piled up on my study table now: christmas presents from my aunts and from them, bags, and just random things they bought for me when they go out. and i asked them if mama is still obsessed with skirts (she wears a skirt everytime they hear mass and that's everyday because my father is a lay minister in UP chapel) and they said she now have a total of 60 skirts and i was like--60?!? whoah!i didnt think she was that crazy about skirts!! (hehe).
i terribly terribly miss them.
being away from them made me realize i really cant live without them. back at home mama and i would have really petty fights. we would fight for the most shallow reason. and we would give each other silent treatment until someone gives up (which is usually me. ^_^). and whats amazing is i just know we fight for the silliest reason but i cant remember anymore what exactly they are, i guess for people you really love, you just easily forget things like that. except for this single fight i had with papa.
he made me give up my first theater play...well, no not really, he DIDNT actually asked me to quit, i was only forced to because everytime he and mama drives me home from practice we would always have an argument to the point that one time he got really mad and drove really fast i thought we'll crash into a random HUGE smoke-belching bus. so that was it. i stopped. i had always dreamed to be in a real theater play. so two of my friends and i auditioned for this play in my university and luckily (or so i thought then), i got the role. it was nothing big but i think it was one of the major parts in the play coz i have an alternate (i dont know how they exactly call an alternate in theater because i didnt have any connection with theater since then). it wasnt really because papa wasn't supportive of my dreams, my father was only against it because the play was activist in nature...backed up by activist groups in my university, and most people involved are activists (actually everyone except me and my friends), and the story itself. aside from practices, we would have these "discussions" supposed to enlighten us of the real plight of the filipino people and rallies too (which i almost often manage to have an excuse not to go). i would always tell papa that it doesnt matter coz im only there for the play and that no matter how many "discussions" i would go through they can never sway me from my belief that activism is not the only way to help your country, and i would ask papa to trust me on that. but he wont have any of it. he was once an activist when he was in highschool and he was jailed for a few days (for being an activist) during the tumultuous years of marcos dictatorship. so i quit. i dont want to argue anymore...and well, i guess i wanted to get more sleep (^_^ coz practices end really late at night). i can actually understand him now coz during the marcos dictatorship, many men are picked up, jailed, salvaged, and most never came home alive. it makes perfect sense now, he was only protecting me.
i miss home. i miss the laughs, and even the fights because it only means that im lucky i still have parents i can argue with (some kids dont even know who their parents are). i miss them and when i get home ill give the three of them a huge hug.
*sigh*
talk about another absence...mc.
*sigh*
i havent seen or heard anything about him for a really long time now (almost a month?). and i dont know. i dont stay online on msn, waiting in vain, for his unlikely message now (which is actually a good thing, i get enough sleep now ^_^). neither do i visit his website now. and i no longer use his picture on my yahoo messenger (^_^). im not having any insecurities about my height anymore...and the best thing is i dont think he's this super perfect guy anymore...
i guess not all absence makes the heart grow fonder after all...
but i dont know...its still too early to tell im no-crush-no-boyfriend-since-birth-and-PROUD falling star now. we'll see...
caught a falling star @ 8:34 AM
3...comments
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
what makes me happy/smile (part I)
i have nothing to busy myself with at this very hour so instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, im gonna make a list of some of the things that make me happy and smile. here goes...(in no particular order)
*not missing CSI on the telly
*driving. there's nothing like being behind the wheel (with or without heavy traffic).
*driving without hearing mama scream
*listening to my favorite songs
*receiving snail mails
*falling in like (makes me happy, worried, giggly, scared...its a roller coaster)
*typhoons [(back at home) preferrably signal number 2 or 3 coz that means suspension of classes, which further means that i can either sleep all day or be a couch potato ~tv.food.tv.food.tv~ yipi!]
*seeing papa or mama or ate laugh soOo hard...anything that makes them happy makes me twice as happy.
*a long hot shower
*everytime september comes..."-BER" = that means it'll be christmas in no time.
*chatting with ex-UCC. (I swear he's funny)
*chocolate and ice cream
*wearing newly washed pjs
*swinging on swings
*climbing trees
*sleeping on newly changed bedsheets
*walking barefoot on the grass
*receiving little surprises...like thoughtful little letters from friends
*going to mcdo
*pigging out on my favorite unhealthy treats
*pouring out my thoughts and feelings on my journals
*playing that jose mari chan christmas record on a summer day
*acquiring a new music box (lalu na pagbigay lang. hehehe!)
*listening to my music box
*eating polvoron
*playing in the snow (ang saya pala!)
*beach, or swimming pool...even just the thought of going there makes me happy...(langoy langoy langoy!)
*talking to someone in a secret language only the two of you knows (like talking in tagalog in tokyo)
*dressing up or trying out clothes. (a few years ago, me and two of my friends used to hang out in different fitting rooms of this mall, trying out clothes we'll never ever wear in real life and taking pictures, all just for fun)
*time alone
*warm bed and beddings especially on winter
*playing silly games
...im sure there's still more...think.think.think
i have a zit on my nose. i wish it doesnt leave a mark when it's gone. and i think im getting heavier and heavier AND HEAVIER each day. why do some people get to eat as much as they want without having trouble fitting in their trousers? aargh...if i can only will my metabolism to cooperate with me. and yesterday, why didnt i get even a single call, text, c-mail, e-mail, or whatever beep on my phone? no one thought about me yesterday...huhuhuhu.
i have nothing to busy myself with at this very hour so instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, im gonna make a list of some of the things that make me happy and smile. here goes...(in no particular order)
*not missing CSI on the telly
*driving. there's nothing like being behind the wheel (with or without heavy traffic).
*driving without hearing mama scream
*listening to my favorite songs
*receiving snail mails
*falling in like (makes me happy, worried, giggly, scared...its a roller coaster)
*typhoons [(back at home) preferrably signal number 2 or 3 coz that means suspension of classes, which further means that i can either sleep all day or be a couch potato ~tv.food.tv.food.tv~ yipi!]
*seeing papa or mama or ate laugh soOo hard...anything that makes them happy makes me twice as happy.
*a long hot shower
*everytime september comes..."-BER" = that means it'll be christmas in no time.
*chatting with ex-UCC. (I swear he's funny)
*chocolate and ice cream
*wearing newly washed pjs
*swinging on swings
*climbing trees
*sleeping on newly changed bedsheets
*walking barefoot on the grass
*receiving little surprises...like thoughtful little letters from friends
*going to mcdo
*pigging out on my favorite unhealthy treats
*pouring out my thoughts and feelings on my journals
*playing that jose mari chan christmas record on a summer day
*acquiring a new music box (lalu na pagbigay lang. hehehe!)
*listening to my music box
*eating polvoron
*playing in the snow (ang saya pala!)
*beach, or swimming pool...even just the thought of going there makes me happy...(langoy langoy langoy!)
*talking to someone in a secret language only the two of you knows (like talking in tagalog in tokyo)
*dressing up or trying out clothes. (a few years ago, me and two of my friends used to hang out in different fitting rooms of this mall, trying out clothes we'll never ever wear in real life and taking pictures, all just for fun)
*time alone
*warm bed and beddings especially on winter
*playing silly games
...im sure there's still more...think.think.think
caught a falling star @ 3:17 PM
2...comments
