Sunday, February 27, 2005
when i said goodbye
its because i looked at you
and you seemed happy,
complete, and satisfied
and it made me think,
...you dont need me in your life.
when i said goodbye,
its because when i look at you
its seems a lot better
to see you holding someone else's hand
and it made me smile,
even if i cant be with you,
at least you have someone better
there by your side.
when i said goodbye,
its because deep inside
i know you'll never be mine.
but i still look at you
and sigh
overwhelmed by your presence,
i wish i could hide.
when i said goodbye,
i never really stop caring...
nor was the feeling lost...
its still with me,
right there
pounding inside my heart.
when i said goodbye,
i never really mean goodbye.
im just a little scared inside.
i know you wont be there to catch me
when i fall,
and im scared to be left broken apart.
*today, at 1 pm
when i said goodbye,
its because i looked at you
and you seemed happy,
complete, and satisfied
and it made me think,
...you dont need me in your life.
when i said goodbye,
its because when i look at you
its seems a lot better
to see you holding someone else's hand
and it made me smile,
even if i cant be with you,
at least you have someone better
there by your side.
when i said goodbye,
its because deep inside
i know you'll never be mine.
but i still look at you
and sigh
overwhelmed by your presence,
i wish i could hide.
when i said goodbye,
i never really stop caring...
nor was the feeling lost...
its still with me,
right there
pounding inside my heart.
when i said goodbye,
i never really mean goodbye.
im just a little scared inside.
i know you wont be there to catch me
when i fall,
and im scared to be left broken apart.
*today, at 1 pm
caught a falling star @ 1:30 PM
2...comments
Saturday, February 26, 2005
"sometimes i wish someone out there will find me, till then i walk alone..."
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
***I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
*I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
**My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know
I'm still alive
*
**
***
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk away
~end
*sigh* I am not the only one walking alone then and wishing someone will find he's way to me.
I dont if knowing that should comfort me. i mean, i know how it feels to perpetually whine about always being not the right one for guys who i thought were right enough for me. i know how it feels to see couples, and wish i have someone there for me too. i know how it feels to watch utterly sweet movies and wonder why those kinds of fortunate accidents/miracles never happens to me. i know how it feels to hear friends talk about the sweetest thing blahblabh did for her, and i would be like, "aaaaaww...no one ever did that for me." *sigh* i really dont know why. i mean i'm nice...^_^ never in my life have i physically hurt anyone (eerR..except that i used to be fond of pinching or hitting [lightly] my friends for no reason at all..i just unconsciously do it while im talking to them..^_^). plus i dont have any addictions...i dont do drugs, neither am i a smoker...and i rarely get myself drunk. all in all, im nice...huhuhuhu...maybe i was really bitchy and meanie in my past life, so im being punished in this lifetime..-_-
then again, being single is not that bad. being single has perks too! hmm..
~green day's boulevard of broken dreams
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
***I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
*I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
**My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know
I'm still alive
*
**
***
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk away
~end
*sigh* I am not the only one walking alone then and wishing someone will find he's way to me.
I dont if knowing that should comfort me. i mean, i know how it feels to perpetually whine about always being not the right one for guys who i thought were right enough for me. i know how it feels to see couples, and wish i have someone there for me too. i know how it feels to watch utterly sweet movies and wonder why those kinds of fortunate accidents/miracles never happens to me. i know how it feels to hear friends talk about the sweetest thing blahblabh did for her, and i would be like, "aaaaaww...no one ever did that for me." *sigh* i really dont know why. i mean i'm nice...^_^ never in my life have i physically hurt anyone (eerR..except that i used to be fond of pinching or hitting [lightly] my friends for no reason at all..i just unconsciously do it while im talking to them..^_^). plus i dont have any addictions...i dont do drugs, neither am i a smoker...and i rarely get myself drunk. all in all, im nice...huhuhuhu...maybe i was really bitchy and meanie in my past life, so im being punished in this lifetime..-_-
then again, being single is not that bad. being single has perks too! hmm..
- you dont get annoying ex-bfs.
- you have all the time in the world to bum around, be a couch potato, and watch all the movies you like...even the cheesiest ones.
- you dont have to be constantly telling someone where you are, where you've been, who youre with, what youre doing..blahblahblah.
- you save on phonebills.
- you can have teensy-weensy crush on anyone and not feel guilty about it.
- you dont get worried if he doesnt call when he should have called...
- you dont get crazy out of paranoia when you see him almost always hanging out with other girls, coz...well, he's not yours anyway.
- you can buy more shoes and bags coz you only have to spend for yourself...!
- if you dont get high grades at school, your mom wont be scolding you over and over about how youre spending so much time with this guy that's why...blahblah..
- you can spend more bonding time with your girlfriends.
- you can sing along with lene marlin and other sad sad songs (usually the saddest songs are the best ones) and actually relate to it.
- you can do whatever you want without adjusting to this other person.
- you can be called a silly sweet nickname by a guy friend and no one will get jealous...
- you can randomly drop by a playground, and indulge in all the swings, and seesaw, and slides you want and no one will think his girlfriend is being silly again...
- you can dip your fries on your sundae and no one would worry what's wrong with you (i cant believe my english, german, and chinese friends think that's gross and that only preggy women do that...coz i do that all the time (!)...though im never preggy)
- you dont get those petty worries every now and then..."did he have lunch already"."is he home already..."
- you get to concentrate on your piles of reading, and other school stuff without thinking of something else..i meant, someone else.
- you get spared of those aftermath of break-up moments where a place or a random song on the radio will suddenly send you crying.
- you can whine about being single on your blog, and no one would think youre strange...coz you really are single. (and how i love whining ^_^)
- and you are free, in case the right one comes along...(but then again, that would make you un-single..where's the fun in that?!)
...and that's just to name a few. it rocks to be single!
caught a falling star @ 9:54 AM
3...comments
Friday, February 25, 2005
keep focused on Jesus when you are walking on water...
...and even when you're walking on solid ground, and everything feels just fine.
caught a falling star @ 12:43 PM
1...comments
there's nothing better than a cup of coffee and a chat with your favorite people...
five months more and its time for sayounara already. time does flies sooo fast when youre having fun. it was autumn when i got here, and the winter's almost through coz now i can sleep without the heater on and i can take a shower in cold water now...spring is already starting, in no time it'll be summer soon and then its goodbye. i would definitely cry.
i would miss the movie nights. i would miss walking in the dorm with my too-embarrassing-to-wear-outside pajamas and other piece of clothing knowing that no matter how mortifying i look, the girls would still love me (at least that's what i think so... ^_^...but im pretty sure of that). id miss...oh i have to stop this ranting or i'll end up teary-eyed...its still too soon for that. its just that the first three months i stayed here felt too long, but as the days went by...the next three months passed by in a snap..and i just have this too-difficult-to-put-in-words feeling that makes me want to stretch the next five months if i could.
amazing how people can touch your life in simple yet lasting ways. *sigh*. dont you just think life can be mean sometimes? there you are, silently walking in your almost-the-same-everyday existence, then life presents you with people that make your days a little bit more interesting, a little bit more fun, a little bit more bearable, and just when youre getting used to having them around..pooooof!..life takes them back and withdraws them from your life. sure they wont be gone forever, you'll still talk once in a while...you'll still know what's going on in their lives...but it'll be a little different..you'll be a little bit far from each other..no more dinner together..no more watching japanese news together during dinner (hardly understanding what theyre saying but all eyes and ears anyway). life can be mean but ill take whatever card it gives me. i'll take it all in...even if i hate goodbyes and even if crying is inevitable. eleven months of diversion from my ordinary existence is a lot better than a lifetime of nothing special. i seriously have to stop these thoughts or there's no stopping these tears from falling...
mc.mc.mc. well, i probably have liked him since the end of september...that's five months of pretending i dont like him and hoping im good at faking my feelings. if five months didnt move me...what more could the next five months do? probably nothing. im officialy hard-headed. but really though, i have no regrets...and will have no regrets. i like it this way...him not knowing it. its more uncomplicated...then i wont be double heartcrushed when its time to leave. if i had told him and we ended up together...id be double hesitant to let go. then i only have myself to blame if i ended up crying gallons of tears. the girls are more than enough to crush my heart and drain my tear glands. i cant be stupid enough to hurt my self more than i could bear, right?
oh i dont know. mc, why cant i be brave for you? but really, its a lot better this way.
i didnt go to class again...because, well...it snowed last night and its very cold outside (i think...eeeRr..it looks cold ^_^). when i dont go to class..i always always try to justify my not going by thinking of what nice things i did that day that i couldnt have done if i was at class trying to absorb all the japanese vocabulary and grammar i could. and well, i feel like my day's made up this very early coz i had five cups of coffee and a chat with bunbun and okashi. ^_^ that's soOoo muUuch better than class! because after all, when i go back home it's not the classes i would treasure and miss the most but the chitchats, the laughs, the hanging outs...and those small things. -_-:.
five months more and its time for sayounara already. time does flies sooo fast when youre having fun. it was autumn when i got here, and the winter's almost through coz now i can sleep without the heater on and i can take a shower in cold water now...spring is already starting, in no time it'll be summer soon and then its goodbye. i would definitely cry.
i would miss the movie nights. i would miss walking in the dorm with my too-embarrassing-to-wear-outside pajamas and other piece of clothing knowing that no matter how mortifying i look, the girls would still love me (at least that's what i think so... ^_^...but im pretty sure of that). id miss...oh i have to stop this ranting or i'll end up teary-eyed...its still too soon for that. its just that the first three months i stayed here felt too long, but as the days went by...the next three months passed by in a snap..and i just have this too-difficult-to-put-in-words feeling that makes me want to stretch the next five months if i could.
amazing how people can touch your life in simple yet lasting ways. *sigh*. dont you just think life can be mean sometimes? there you are, silently walking in your almost-the-same-everyday existence, then life presents you with people that make your days a little bit more interesting, a little bit more fun, a little bit more bearable, and just when youre getting used to having them around..pooooof!..life takes them back and withdraws them from your life. sure they wont be gone forever, you'll still talk once in a while...you'll still know what's going on in their lives...but it'll be a little different..you'll be a little bit far from each other..no more dinner together..no more watching japanese news together during dinner (hardly understanding what theyre saying but all eyes and ears anyway). life can be mean but ill take whatever card it gives me. i'll take it all in...even if i hate goodbyes and even if crying is inevitable. eleven months of diversion from my ordinary existence is a lot better than a lifetime of nothing special. i seriously have to stop these thoughts or there's no stopping these tears from falling...
mc.mc.mc. well, i probably have liked him since the end of september...that's five months of pretending i dont like him and hoping im good at faking my feelings. if five months didnt move me...what more could the next five months do? probably nothing. im officialy hard-headed. but really though, i have no regrets...and will have no regrets. i like it this way...him not knowing it. its more uncomplicated...then i wont be double heartcrushed when its time to leave. if i had told him and we ended up together...id be double hesitant to let go. then i only have myself to blame if i ended up crying gallons of tears. the girls are more than enough to crush my heart and drain my tear glands. i cant be stupid enough to hurt my self more than i could bear, right?
oh i dont know. mc, why cant i be brave for you? but really, its a lot better this way.
caught a falling star @ 8:54 AM
2...comments
when i look at him...
so i made a decision...
sayounara m.c...
if i cant tell you what i feel, and i guess you dont like me either...might as well be friends right?
...i still get that scary feeling that if i get closer to him, or if i attempt to talk to him, my eyes, my actions, or the tone of my voice would betray me. im scared ill be too obvious. im scared he'll see through me. and im scared the feeling might not be welcomed.
so i made a decision...
sayounara m.c...
if i cant tell you what i feel, and i guess you dont like me either...might as well be friends right?
caught a falling star @ 12:11 AM
2...comments
Thursday, February 24, 2005
whatever.
bunbun (^_^ do i really have to give screennames to people from now on?! -_-), well she said that m.c. said this afternoon that he likes kawaikute chotto futoi onnanoko (cute and chubby [but not chubby chubby] girls) = yeah right, whatever. that made me laugh. does that mean i have the qualifications? *lots of laughs*...*laugh some more*. well, i vow not to be chubby forever...so byee m.c..?
caught a falling star @ 8:37 PM
2...comments
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
bikurishimashita!
im a bit worried though, what if he searched for the word music box and my blog appears? is there some way i can make my blog not appear on search engines? oh myyy, im really starting to scare myself now...he cant know this blog..!oh my, what was i thinking anyway, bloggging my journ?! i wish i hadn't called anyone their real names..have i?eeeeRrr. okay, calm..calm..calm...breathe..breathe..breathe..what would i do? he cant know.
okay maybe im just being paranoid...he'll never know this.:)
can i just say im surprised?! i swear i wasn't planning at all at visiting his website until i saw the pics of the kids at the elementary school where they went to last tuesday...i just cant stop looking at the pictures, so i stayed longer. it broke my heart again, i dont know when ill get over it...i really wished i could have gone...i love kids a loooooOooot, and if only i had known earlier that non-ijlp students could go too, id have 'booked' myself too...huhuhuhuhu. -_-:. but that wasn't really why im surprised...its just that, while i was looking at the pictures, two words caught my eyes: "music box". im crazy about music box, so when i saw it, i was like.."nani?" and that's not all, when i went to the site, there were gospel tunes...?! why gospel tunes? he's chinese? and why music box? so there's actually a guy on this planet who likes music box?!
im a bit worried though, what if he searched for the word music box and my blog appears? is there some way i can make my blog not appear on search engines? oh myyy, im really starting to scare myself now...he cant know this blog..!oh my, what was i thinking anyway, bloggging my journ?! i wish i hadn't called anyone their real names..have i?eeeeRrr. okay, calm..calm..calm...breathe..breathe..breathe..what would i do? he cant know.
okay maybe im just being paranoid...he'll never know this.:)
caught a falling star @ 2:03 PM
1...comments
joy.
but well, today i just cant help being happy for my "being-overly-eager" contagious disease and for a "pangungulit" well done. its just that a friend e-mailed me today and told me, she got accepted in the same scholarship as i do. for a minute there, it made me a bit sad coz it actually means that my time here is almost over because they're already preparing the paper's of the person who'll be taking after my shoes here. huhuhuhuhu. (time, could you please move a bit slower?! just a little slower please..coz i kind of want to spend longer time with my friends, here you know...youre moving toOo fast, i cant keep up..just a tiny tiny bit slower please). but on second thought, i also have a reason to be happy for, coz it was their first time with me to invite someone from my university..the fact that they're inviting another one from UP means that somehow, i've behaved well and they liked my presence here. ^_^. and it was partly my non-stop eagerness in convincing her to apply for the scholarship, that she actually have this possible chance to meet great people and have totally worth-it experiences like i do now. and it wasnt just her, i have also coerced patty to apply for this scholarship with me, and last year she spent six great months at singapore (not to mention that part of those six months, she spent with drop-dead [am i remembering it right?] handsome sometimes-top-naked-[?]-after-shower dormate just around the corner [err..am not sure if i really heard that from you, patty tips...maybe you told me that story in my dream]...and that almost-sex-and-the-city day when you shared the same bus with these tons of young men looking absolutely hot in those all white uniforms with the sailor hats and the blue trimmings on their shirts). ^_^
my sometimes infectious over-eagerness sometimes results in good things after all. didnt i just merit a pat on my back? ^_^ not that i really deserve any credit, but somehow its nice to know that in my itsy-bitsy way, i have contributed to my friend's happiness...at least i can die saying i've made a difference in someone's life...and well, sometimes i have to learn to praise myself too..being too hard on myself, wont do my oftentimes broken wings (mine's broken too ate bw -_-) any good.
letter--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wow! im so happy for u!! sana nga tanggapin ng nihondaigaku ung app form ko! sana tanggapin nila! shempre im so thankful sau kc ur d one who actually informed, invited and encouraged me to apply for this! nax! onga! ako din cguro, if ever na makarating ako jan, il bring praise and worship songs to uplift my spirit! iba kc tlga pag c lord ang kumikilos! ^_^ im so proud of u KL!!! sna makarating din tlga ko jan! and hope my classes are will be all in english! i don't think i can do it if they're gonna be in nihongo.hay! r0ckingchair@yahoo.com email add ko! send me ur pix ha! ung 0 sa r0cking, it's a zero not a letter o. hehe.! im so excited na nga! im gonna apply for a passport today! balitaan mo uli ako ha! God bless! dont forget to send me ur pix!!! Gudluck sa crushie mong exchange student din!! always have fun!!! God bless!!!
---rein. wednesday.23.2005
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i dont usually take credit in some kind of nice things i do, coz most of the time i do them out of lack of control for my sometime's-overflowing-enthusiasm in convincing people that they should try this and that coz i think itll be fab, blahblah...^_^
but well, today i just cant help being happy for my "being-overly-eager" contagious disease and for a "pangungulit" well done. its just that a friend e-mailed me today and told me, she got accepted in the same scholarship as i do. for a minute there, it made me a bit sad coz it actually means that my time here is almost over because they're already preparing the paper's of the person who'll be taking after my shoes here. huhuhuhuhu. (time, could you please move a bit slower?! just a little slower please..coz i kind of want to spend longer time with my friends, here you know...youre moving toOo fast, i cant keep up..just a tiny tiny bit slower please). but on second thought, i also have a reason to be happy for, coz it was their first time with me to invite someone from my university..the fact that they're inviting another one from UP means that somehow, i've behaved well and they liked my presence here. ^_^. and it was partly my non-stop eagerness in convincing her to apply for the scholarship, that she actually have this possible chance to meet great people and have totally worth-it experiences like i do now. and it wasnt just her, i have also coerced patty to apply for this scholarship with me, and last year she spent six great months at singapore (not to mention that part of those six months, she spent with drop-dead [am i remembering it right?] handsome sometimes-top-naked-[?]-after-shower dormate just around the corner [err..am not sure if i really heard that from you, patty tips...maybe you told me that story in my dream]...and that almost-sex-and-the-city day when you shared the same bus with these tons of young men looking absolutely hot in those all white uniforms with the sailor hats and the blue trimmings on their shirts). ^_^
my sometimes infectious over-eagerness sometimes results in good things after all. didnt i just merit a pat on my back? ^_^ not that i really deserve any credit, but somehow its nice to know that in my itsy-bitsy way, i have contributed to my friend's happiness...at least i can die saying i've made a difference in someone's life...and well, sometimes i have to learn to praise myself too..being too hard on myself, wont do my oftentimes broken wings (mine's broken too ate bw -_-) any good.
letter--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wow! im so happy for u!! sana nga tanggapin ng nihondaigaku ung app form ko! sana tanggapin nila! shempre im so thankful sau kc ur d one who actually informed, invited and encouraged me to apply for this! nax! onga! ako din cguro, if ever na makarating ako jan, il bring praise and worship songs to uplift my spirit! iba kc tlga pag c lord ang kumikilos! ^_^ im so proud of u KL!!! sna makarating din tlga ko jan! and hope my classes are will be all in english! i don't think i can do it if they're gonna be in nihongo.hay! r0ckingchair@yahoo.com email add ko! send me ur pix ha! ung 0 sa r0cking, it's a zero not a letter o. hehe.! im so excited na nga! im gonna apply for a passport today! balitaan mo uli ako ha! God bless! dont forget to send me ur pix!!! Gudluck sa crushie mong exchange student din!! always have fun!!! God bless!!!
---rein. wednesday.23.2005
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caught a falling star @ 8:37 AM
0...comments
and someday we wont be around...
What�� a Meantime Girl?
She�� the one you call when you��e bored because she makes you laugh. She�� the one you talk to when you��e feeling down because she�� willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She�� not the one you call when you need a date to your company�� Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She�� the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She�� not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don�� look at her as a "real" woman, either. She�� not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She�� too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She�� too understanding, too comfortable ��she doesn�� make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she�� cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you��e lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she��l do just fine. You don�� have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don�� have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You��e not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She�� not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she��l give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don�� have to explain yourself or the situation, that she��l be able to cope with the fact that this isn�� the beginning of a relationship or that there�� any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won�� bother her that you��l get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you��e been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She��l settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She�� just so cool . . . why can�� all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don�� because to you, the situation between the two of you isn�� important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it�� really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don�� think she�� good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it�� mostly her fault, because she doesn�� have to give in to your needs ��she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn�� pull it off. Maybe she�� too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You��l joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she��l laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn�� captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She�� safe. She doesn�� want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone�� head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you��e ever known because she�� had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you��e given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
Anyway, yeah. I�� a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don�� know the reason, really, and at this point I don�� even care. I just want to let every guy know who�� ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won�� be around.
~end
*sigh*...im almost a meantime girl..too. guys talaga, bulag.
i didnt know who wrote this...its been forwarded to me for no less than tenth time...but i like it anyway...im almost a meantime-girl too..except that, no one has ever really thought of even keeping me for the meantime...which is equally tiring and patience-draining as being the meantime girl. i dont know...its just that my circle of friends only fall into four categories: 1. girls girls, 2. gay gays, 3. almost gay guys, and the 4. guy guys, but not so quite there (does that need further explanation?! well they are guys who i think are guys but are sooOoo young enough they call you "ate")..well if you're friends can all be classified in those four categories, you wouldnt want to be a meantime girl of any of them, right?!...much more a non-meantime i-want-to-keep-you-now girl...deshou?!
What�� a Meantime Girl?
She�� the one you call when you��e bored because she makes you laugh. She�� the one you talk to when you��e feeling down because she�� willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She�� not the one you call when you need a date to your company�� Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She�� the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She�� not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don�� look at her as a "real" woman, either. She�� not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She�� too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She�� too understanding, too comfortable ��she doesn�� make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she�� cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you��e lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she��l do just fine. You don�� have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don�� have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You��e not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She�� not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she��l give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don�� have to explain yourself or the situation, that she��l be able to cope with the fact that this isn�� the beginning of a relationship or that there�� any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won�� bother her that you��l get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you��e been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She��l settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She�� just so cool . . . why can�� all women be like that?!
But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don�� because to you, the situation between the two of you isn�� important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it�� really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don�� think she�� good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it�� mostly her fault, because she doesn�� have to give in to your needs ��she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn�� pull it off. Maybe she�� too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.
You��l joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she��l laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.
She doesn�� captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She�� safe. She doesn�� want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone�� head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.
She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you��e ever known because she�� had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you��e given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.
Anyway, yeah. I�� a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don�� know the reason, really, and at this point I don�� even care. I just want to let every guy know who�� ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won�� be around.
~end
*sigh*...im almost a meantime girl..too. guys talaga, bulag.
caught a falling star @ 7:36 AM
1...comments
what is wrong with me?!
...oh well.
sometimes, i dont know how big I am anymore. i know three of my pants wont fit me anymore...and my shirts have become a little bit more tight that they were, but whenever i see pinkuchan, she kept telling me ive become thinner. but when im at school, tanhonsan kept telling me i should stop eating loads coz im getting fatter. even the mirrors wont make up their minds!!! when i look at my reflection at our dining hall, i dont seem that fat. but whenever i walk to the station and back..you know, when you pass by some glass window or whatever while walking and you just involuntarily glance at your reflection on the glass..well, on some reflection im fat, on some, im not. hmmph...which is which?
hmmph.
i didnt sleep all night. i did my sakubun all night and im still very much awake until now! what's wrong with me?! my only source of caffeine last night was one can of pepsi and i had two small cups of coffee this morning...that shouldnt be enough to charge me this much energy!!! i mean, for six months that im here in tokyo, this is my first time to not sleep overnight...i always always get at least two hours of sleep...and on my normal days here, when i get loads of sleep...i even have a hardtime waking myself up...but now--no sleep and yet, and i dont like sleeping at all. but im not going to jap. class today though. sleep might tempt me while im in class so id rather stay here and study than go to class and sleep.
...oh well.
sometimes, i dont know how big I am anymore. i know three of my pants wont fit me anymore...and my shirts have become a little bit more tight that they were, but whenever i see pinkuchan, she kept telling me ive become thinner. but when im at school, tanhonsan kept telling me i should stop eating loads coz im getting fatter. even the mirrors wont make up their minds!!! when i look at my reflection at our dining hall, i dont seem that fat. but whenever i walk to the station and back..you know, when you pass by some glass window or whatever while walking and you just involuntarily glance at your reflection on the glass..well, on some reflection im fat, on some, im not. hmmph...which is which?
hmmph.
caught a falling star @ 7:13 AM
4...comments
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
self-check: are you in love?
Are You In Love....???
Posted on Jan 26, '05 2:04 PM ET for everyone
When you are together with that special someone, you pretend to ignore that person..But when that special someone is not around, you might look around to find him/her. At that moment, you are in love.
~okay...this happens...all the time. but im sure it isnt love.
Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh, your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone. Then, you are in love.
~N.A...so not applicable. no guy someone always makes me laugh.
Although that special someone was supposed to have called you to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet.You are desperately waiting for the call! At that moment, you are in love.
~well, he was never ever supposed to call me. he doesnt even know my number. but fair enough coz i didnt ask for his number either. but do MSN count? he's never ever supposed to message me there either, but i wait in vain anyway.
If you are much more excited for one short e-mail from that special someone than other many long e-mails, you are in love.
~no comment.
When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages in your cell-phone because of one message from that special someone, you are in love.
~yikes. i would totally sound pathetic...i'll just wish on my lucky stars that he never get to read this ever. well, eeeerr...i kind of, save our rare conversations on msn.
You keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend", but you realize that you can not avoid that person's special attraction..At that moment, you are in love.
~you keep telling yourself "he doesnt and will not like you" and you know youre just too stubborn to do anything about that..and yet, you keep on liking him anyway.
While you are reading this page, if someone appears in your mind, then u ARE in love with that person ...
~so not true. im sure its just a little crush. it'll go away..someday.
got this are u in love email from a friend...hmm...i'll go check myself, but im sure...if its anything at all, it isn't love. love is just too strong a word/feeling. (mine's written in blue)
Are You In Love....???
Posted on Jan 26, '05 2:04 PM ET for everyone
When you are together with that special someone, you pretend to ignore that person..But when that special someone is not around, you might look around to find him/her. At that moment, you are in love.
~okay...this happens...all the time. but im sure it isnt love.
Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh, your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone. Then, you are in love.
~N.A...so not applicable. no guy someone always makes me laugh.
Although that special someone was supposed to have called you to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet.You are desperately waiting for the call! At that moment, you are in love.
~well, he was never ever supposed to call me. he doesnt even know my number. but fair enough coz i didnt ask for his number either. but do MSN count? he's never ever supposed to message me there either, but i wait in vain anyway.
If you are much more excited for one short e-mail from that special someone than other many long e-mails, you are in love.
~no comment.
When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages in your cell-phone because of one message from that special someone, you are in love.
~yikes. i would totally sound pathetic...i'll just wish on my lucky stars that he never get to read this ever. well, eeeerr...i kind of, save our rare conversations on msn.
You keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend", but you realize that you can not avoid that person's special attraction..At that moment, you are in love.
~you keep telling yourself "he doesnt and will not like you" and you know youre just too stubborn to do anything about that..and yet, you keep on liking him anyway.
While you are reading this page, if someone appears in your mind, then u ARE in love with that person ...
~so not true. im sure its just a little crush. it'll go away..someday.
caught a falling star @ 11:39 PM
3...comments
cram.cram.cram...what im best at doing.aaargh.
why do i do this?! just why am i a hard-core procrastinator?!
my japanese class sensei told us a week ago to write an essay (in jap, of course) to be submitted tonight...and yet, im still writing in my blog and not doing a thing...and to add to that, i have a vocabulary (jap) quiz tomorrow that should have been today (which would have given me more time to study but..huhuhuhuhu..i still havent studied on that either!), and have two homeworks i havent done yet (which i should have done a week ago). im becoming a bad student!!! huhuhuhuhuhu..-_-
anyway...as i was starting to write my essay, i was brushing through my notebook for free space when i came across this thing ive written last november 2, 2004. i do it all the time, i write my thoughts anywhere...candy wrapper, even on my economics books (i remember scribbling my so-so-years-ago crush's name on my econ book to keep my eyes entertained because the library's ambiance is really tempting me to sleep), on my room's wall when i was a kid...absolutely anywhere. and its fun, coz when you came across them after a looOong time when you've totally forgotten about it...sigh..i dont know, its just interesting to look back on how i've felt...and thought back when i wrote those things.
anyway, here's the entry...
NO GREAT EXPECTATIONS. CANT HAVE GREAT EXPECTATIONS. this happened before and i cant let it happen now. 'signs' cant make me fall for someone. 'signs' cant amke me do stupid things again. one day, he'll fall-in-like with a beautiful chinese (or english or japanese) woman, and they'll laugh together...or she'll smile while gazing at him from afar...or just be thankful that he's by her side. someday his world will revolve around that beautiful lady and he will love her enough to do anything for her. someday..the memory of me passing by his life will be forgotten and the secret ive shared with wenwen and claire will be one of those stories untold. he will never know that someone was happy just liking him at a distance... that's why i cant have great expectations. i should never entertain even the littlest hope for us because it just wont happen. it just wont. someone, somewhere is meant to hold his hand. and it isnt me.
~end.
im pulling an all-nighter tonight.
why do i do this?! just why am i a hard-core procrastinator?!
my japanese class sensei told us a week ago to write an essay (in jap, of course) to be submitted tonight...and yet, im still writing in my blog and not doing a thing...and to add to that, i have a vocabulary (jap) quiz tomorrow that should have been today (which would have given me more time to study but..huhuhuhuhu..i still havent studied on that either!), and have two homeworks i havent done yet (which i should have done a week ago). im becoming a bad student!!! huhuhuhuhuhu..-_-
anyway...as i was starting to write my essay, i was brushing through my notebook for free space when i came across this thing ive written last november 2, 2004. i do it all the time, i write my thoughts anywhere...candy wrapper, even on my economics books (i remember scribbling my so-so-years-ago crush's name on my econ book to keep my eyes entertained because the library's ambiance is really tempting me to sleep), on my room's wall when i was a kid...absolutely anywhere. and its fun, coz when you came across them after a looOong time when you've totally forgotten about it...sigh..i dont know, its just interesting to look back on how i've felt...and thought back when i wrote those things.
anyway, here's the entry...
NO GREAT EXPECTATIONS. CANT HAVE GREAT EXPECTATIONS. this happened before and i cant let it happen now. 'signs' cant make me fall for someone. 'signs' cant amke me do stupid things again. one day, he'll fall-in-like with a beautiful chinese (or english or japanese) woman, and they'll laugh together...or she'll smile while gazing at him from afar...or just be thankful that he's by her side. someday his world will revolve around that beautiful lady and he will love her enough to do anything for her. someday..the memory of me passing by his life will be forgotten and the secret ive shared with wenwen and claire will be one of those stories untold. he will never know that someone was happy just liking him at a distance... that's why i cant have great expectations. i should never entertain even the littlest hope for us because it just wont happen. it just wont. someone, somewhere is meant to hold his hand. and it isnt me.
~end.
caught a falling star @ 10:41 PM
0...comments
Monday, February 21, 2005
im officially a pig
when im not doing any school stuff, i usually find myself eating.
just yesterday at tanhon's, i had the biggest rice bowl...and i had three servings of rice! okay, im not gonna talk about the other instances that i've acted like a perfect piggie coz that would only depress me. three of my pants dont fit me anymore!!! and itll be warmer in here soon...no more hiding underneath my sweater!!! huhuhuhu. -_-
im crazy. whenever i buy food recently, i would check the calorie content at the back...and i'd estimate how many calories i've consumed so far....but would eat loads anyway. huhuhuhu. control kath. control. or i'm never gonna wear those three pants again! -_-
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i spent the afternoon at akihabara today...WALKING (and yeah, neoprints too). i wouldnt have gone there if tanhon and kelly didnt bully me into going with them in their mini-field trip at kaiwa class (japanese conversation class). they've been telling me for the millionth time that ill be going with them that afternoon, and i didnt want to hear the word akihabara for the million and oneth time anymore, so i just resolved to go. [note: they didnt asked me if i wanted to go, they were informing me that they decided that it'll be akihabara-walkathon for me this afternoon.] haaaaay. im so tired, i slept at the train on the way home. i kind-of woke up in some random train station and was half-asleep and half-awake when i hurriedly stepped out of the train. i must have stood there in the platform for minutes trying to figure out where am i, and why the heck i couldnt see anyone else there, until i realized i didnt oversleep afterall and that im still a few stations away from my home station. if i had woken up in some station way way far north of my home, itll be kelly and tanhon's fault! ^_^
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m.c. found our group having lunch at bekkan today and, for some unfathomable reason, he took a picture of us...i mean, i didnt see anything interesting about what were doing at all...but anyway, i have a tiny tiny picture on his mobile phone now. hehehehe. ^_^
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this is the kissaten we went to this afternoon. i think the name should have been MALE-lish..coz before we got there, all customers were of the male species. and what was weird is that on the wall, near the entrance and the cashier, is this corkboard with all the pictures of the cafe waitresses on a pin/key-chain and with the sign "The Mailish Maids."
huhuhuhuhu.
when im not doing any school stuff, i usually find myself eating.
just yesterday at tanhon's, i had the biggest rice bowl...and i had three servings of rice! okay, im not gonna talk about the other instances that i've acted like a perfect piggie coz that would only depress me. three of my pants dont fit me anymore!!! and itll be warmer in here soon...no more hiding underneath my sweater!!! huhuhuhu. -_-
im crazy. whenever i buy food recently, i would check the calorie content at the back...and i'd estimate how many calories i've consumed so far....but would eat loads anyway. huhuhuhu. control kath. control. or i'm never gonna wear those three pants again! -_-
----------------------------------------------------------------------
i spent the afternoon at akihabara today...WALKING (and yeah, neoprints too). i wouldnt have gone there if tanhon and kelly didnt bully me into going with them in their mini-field trip at kaiwa class (japanese conversation class). they've been telling me for the millionth time that ill be going with them that afternoon, and i didnt want to hear the word akihabara for the million and oneth time anymore, so i just resolved to go. [note: they didnt asked me if i wanted to go, they were informing me that they decided that it'll be akihabara-walkathon for me this afternoon.] haaaaay. im so tired, i slept at the train on the way home. i kind-of woke up in some random train station and was half-asleep and half-awake when i hurriedly stepped out of the train. i must have stood there in the platform for minutes trying to figure out where am i, and why the heck i couldnt see anyone else there, until i realized i didnt oversleep afterall and that im still a few stations away from my home station. if i had woken up in some station way way far north of my home, itll be kelly and tanhon's fault! ^_^
----------------------------------------------------------------------
m.c. found our group having lunch at bekkan today and, for some unfathomable reason, he took a picture of us...i mean, i didnt see anything interesting about what were doing at all...but anyway, i have a tiny tiny picture on his mobile phone now. hehehehe. ^_^
----------------------------------------------------------------------
this is the kissaten we went to this afternoon. i think the name should have been MALE-lish..coz before we got there, all customers were of the male species. and what was weird is that on the wall, near the entrance and the cashier, is this corkboard with all the pictures of the cafe waitresses on a pin/key-chain and with the sign "The Mailish Maids."
caught a falling star @ 9:41 PM
3...comments
Sunday, February 20, 2005
*sigh* moment
anyway...could you believe i ate all this at lunch today?
with three other people though...and...eeeRrr...after that, we had orange, dried strawberry, chocolates, candies, sweet potato, banana, and there was a cookie too. and i didnt even do a thing! didnt cook and didnt wash the dishes either. I FEEL LIKE A PIGGIE.
after eating we played a board game, watched HOWL's Moving Castle (*****). i had the best time ever at tanhon's today (love her! ^_^ yasashii haha...i was lying on the floor while watching howl but she wont let me lie there without using her futon to warm me! sweet ne?!) MUST go back to her home (slash-mini-casino-slash-chinese-restaurant-slash-eigakan) again...someday.
could you guess what this is?
^_^...that's under a kotatsu. its japanese traditional table with a heater underneath...really warm and comfy. it made me want to slip all of me under the cover of kotatsu...if only i didnt eat much this lunch i'd have fit in there...but oh well.^_^.
you slid your legs underneath to warm it...and in the process, will warm your whole body too. and no, this wont burn you when you accidentally touch it. ^_^
this is how a kotatsu look like...(got this from here: http://www.sushicam.com/Journal%20entries/001230.php)
while i was at the train (keihin-tohoku line) on the way home this evening, sitting across me was the cutest and handsomest japanese guy in the whole wide tokyo that i ever laid eyes on. *sigh*. when we both got off at akihabara station, he held hands with this girl he was talking for ages since i saw him. *sigh*. girlfriend. *sigh*. the people that you never get to love. *sigh*. but its alright, now i officially had a 20-or-so-minute crush. ^_^
anyway...could you believe i ate all this at lunch today?
with three other people though...and...eeeRrr...after that, we had orange, dried strawberry, chocolates, candies, sweet potato, banana, and there was a cookie too. and i didnt even do a thing! didnt cook and didnt wash the dishes either. I FEEL LIKE A PIGGIE.
after eating we played a board game, watched HOWL's Moving Castle (*****). i had the best time ever at tanhon's today (love her! ^_^ yasashii haha...i was lying on the floor while watching howl but she wont let me lie there without using her futon to warm me! sweet ne?!) MUST go back to her home (slash-mini-casino-slash-chinese-restaurant-slash-eigakan) again...someday.
could you guess what this is?
^_^...that's under a kotatsu. its japanese traditional table with a heater underneath...really warm and comfy. it made me want to slip all of me under the cover of kotatsu...if only i didnt eat much this lunch i'd have fit in there...but oh well.^_^.
you slid your legs underneath to warm it...and in the process, will warm your whole body too. and no, this wont burn you when you accidentally touch it. ^_^
this is how a kotatsu look like...(got this from here: http://www.sushicam.com/Journal%20entries/001230.php)
caught a falling star @ 8:22 PM
1...comments
Saturday, February 19, 2005
i wish.
i was just thinking what presents or little surprises would absolutely melt my heart...coming from...you know...that special someone, who is currently physically/mentally/whatever-LLY absent in my life now.
sometimes i wish i dont think too much, sometimes i wish i never had to get these ideas so when they never happen to me, i wont get upset or disappointed. *sigh* but they occur in my thoughts anyway...so, might as well write them.
my room's a total mess...that i almost froze before i finally found my heater's remote. but i cant help it...i dont know why im on journ mode today. but since i havent done this for a while, so ill just spoil myself. blog. blog. blog.
i was just thinking what presents or little surprises would absolutely melt my heart...coming from...you know...that special someone, who is currently physically/mentally/whatever-LLY absent in my life now.
sometimes i wish i dont think too much, sometimes i wish i never had to get these ideas so when they never happen to me, i wont get upset or disappointed. *sigh* but they occur in my thoughts anyway...so, might as well write them.
- a box with 100 pieces of rolled paper, written inside are 100 reasons why he likes me
- a box with 100 pieces of rolled paper, written inside are 100 ways to say he loves me in different languages
- a music box with the tune of my favorite song.
- a self-made coupon saying he can be my slave for a day (absolutely any favor...bwuahahahaha ^_*)
- hearing mass with me, all the time.
- being my self-assigned alarm clock...(because i sometimes have trouble waking up early when i really have to wake up early. i totally ignore my alarm clock)
- a compilation of all the songs that reminds him of me (it has to be nice songs of course...i mean if included in it is an i-hate-you or an im-tired-hanging-out-with-you song, that's not something to be happy about right?)
- a picnic with all my favorite foods he tried/attempted to cook by himself (meaning: it doesnt really have to taste good..in fact it doesnt have to taste like food at all, its the thought that matters ^_^)
- time with me even though he's busy (coz that would mean, i rank at the top of his priority list right?)
- another self-made coupon saying he can be my slave for a day again...(hehehe..kidding. ^_^)
hmmm...this is all for now.
caught a falling star @ 5:50 PM
1...comments
mail...mail...mail...from home.
i never really loved snail-mails until i got here and realized they utterly make me happy.
caught a falling star @ 3:52 PM
3...comments
my feb. 14
well it was soOo much better than how i predicted it would be. ^_^
...because i took the day off and didnt go to my japanese class! but note: im not being sarcastic. it wasnt because i was avoiding to see couples on that day that i decided to rest the day away. in fact, i didnt rest at all.
after breakfast, i was in my room all morning preparing for my meeting with my seminar professor that afternoon. im supposed to think of a topic and do the outline of the paper/presentation that he was requiring me to finish by the end of next term, before i go back home. if i am the whiner falling star, that i usually am, i'd have thought of it as torture because it is currently spring vacation in nihon university (college of econ) now but here i am, working on a paper...not only that, i have to meet him once in two weeks to update him with my paper's progress.
when i was to leave the dorm to meet him at econ building, i glanced at my usually empty mailbox to find that i received greeting cards from home! ^_^ that alone totally made my day. while walking to the trainstation, i remember silently screaming waaaaaaaaaaahhhh (you know the kind of scream where you actually hear yourself, but not that loud for others to think youre crazy?) for no less than fifteen times because i just couldnt believe i got cards from my friends. waaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! i guess, when you live far from home, anything you see in your mailbox that's stamped "from the philippines" gives you maximum utility. ^_^
(the cards...one from eunie dearie, one from econ barkada..^_^)
so even when my meeting with my prof was thisclose to being annoying...im on happy-mode and i just cant be swayed. well my professor was supposed to meet me at this certain time but he made me come back again for one and a half hour because he was having a meeting with someone else. he suggested i stay at the library on the next building while waiting. it would have been a fab time coz i love books, except that me and the library are in tokyo which follows that the books there are in nihongo with kanji characters i cant even recognize. there are english books there, for sure, but i just dont know where they were...and i wasnt really interested because i asked before and i was told the library doesnt have english novels. so i spent the whole hour and a half cutting the split ends of my hair with my bare hands while reveiwing my japanese vocabulary in between. it was fun though. ^_^
after the meeting, i went to meet wenwen at the hair salon coz she was getting a haircut. her haircut cost her 8 thousand something yen while it only cost me one and a half hour, and tired hands to get rid of my split ends ^_^. and i get to eat most of the chocolates wenwen brought, which were really meant for the guys of our japanese department...because like i said before, its women who give chocolates on heart's day here...but since the guys were nowhere in sight, i get to it it. ^_^
and to end my S.A.Day, after dinner, i went out for an ice cream with my equally dateless, more-than-just-friday-movie-night buddies (except for verena who's the only one who has an existing lovelife among us..but she insists to be part of our dateless club)...^_*.
i did wish to even just see M.C. that day, coz i havent seen him for ages...but well, you cant have everything right? i was able to greet him belated happy valentines through msn on the 15th though. he said "the same to you".
b-e-l-a-t-e-d-h-a-p-p-y-v-a-l-e-n-t-i-n-e-s-t-o-y-o-u-t-o-o...is only 18 words longer than t-h-e-s-a-m-e-t-o-y-o-u...it doesnt even take a minute to type the whole thing. then again, were not close friends anyway, why do i even expect him to go through such trouble of writing a 6 word sentence, right? *sigh*
my single's awareness day (S.A.D.)...
well it was soOo much better than how i predicted it would be. ^_^
...because i took the day off and didnt go to my japanese class! but note: im not being sarcastic. it wasnt because i was avoiding to see couples on that day that i decided to rest the day away. in fact, i didnt rest at all.
after breakfast, i was in my room all morning preparing for my meeting with my seminar professor that afternoon. im supposed to think of a topic and do the outline of the paper/presentation that he was requiring me to finish by the end of next term, before i go back home. if i am the whiner falling star, that i usually am, i'd have thought of it as torture because it is currently spring vacation in nihon university (college of econ) now but here i am, working on a paper...not only that, i have to meet him once in two weeks to update him with my paper's progress.
when i was to leave the dorm to meet him at econ building, i glanced at my usually empty mailbox to find that i received greeting cards from home! ^_^ that alone totally made my day. while walking to the trainstation, i remember silently screaming waaaaaaaaaaahhhh (you know the kind of scream where you actually hear yourself, but not that loud for others to think youre crazy?) for no less than fifteen times because i just couldnt believe i got cards from my friends. waaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! i guess, when you live far from home, anything you see in your mailbox that's stamped "from the philippines" gives you maximum utility. ^_^
(the cards...one from eunie dearie, one from econ barkada..^_^)
so even when my meeting with my prof was thisclose to being annoying...im on happy-mode and i just cant be swayed. well my professor was supposed to meet me at this certain time but he made me come back again for one and a half hour because he was having a meeting with someone else. he suggested i stay at the library on the next building while waiting. it would have been a fab time coz i love books, except that me and the library are in tokyo which follows that the books there are in nihongo with kanji characters i cant even recognize. there are english books there, for sure, but i just dont know where they were...and i wasnt really interested because i asked before and i was told the library doesnt have english novels. so i spent the whole hour and a half cutting the split ends of my hair with my bare hands while reveiwing my japanese vocabulary in between. it was fun though. ^_^
after the meeting, i went to meet wenwen at the hair salon coz she was getting a haircut. her haircut cost her 8 thousand something yen while it only cost me one and a half hour, and tired hands to get rid of my split ends ^_^. and i get to eat most of the chocolates wenwen brought, which were really meant for the guys of our japanese department...because like i said before, its women who give chocolates on heart's day here...but since the guys were nowhere in sight, i get to it it. ^_^
and to end my S.A.Day, after dinner, i went out for an ice cream with my equally dateless, more-than-just-friday-movie-night buddies (except for verena who's the only one who has an existing lovelife among us..but she insists to be part of our dateless club)...^_*.
i did wish to even just see M.C. that day, coz i havent seen him for ages...but well, you cant have everything right? i was able to greet him belated happy valentines through msn on the 15th though. he said "the same to you".
b-e-l-a-t-e-d-h-a-p-p-y-v-a-l-e-n-t-i-n-e-s-t-o-y-o-u-t-o-o...is only 18 words longer than t-h-e-s-a-m-e-t-o-y-o-u...it doesnt even take a minute to type the whole thing. then again, were not close friends anyway, why do i even expect him to go through such trouble of writing a 6 word sentence, right? *sigh*
caught a falling star @ 2:31 PM
1...comments
attack of the pink shoes...
plus mga madudumi kong pink 'patos...meron pa actually kaso sobrang dumi nya na e...
oh..and this one too...
and i think i still have one pair hiding in my cabinet in manila. i dont know what happened...i just noticed one day that i have pink shoes...loads of them. well not loads loads but its a lot for someone who's going to eat noodles, and sandwich plus cheeze for many consecutive days from now on, as part of her i-have-to-save-or-i'll-die-of-poverty-before-i-get-home project (good thing my dorm serves breakie and dinner ^_^)...and for someone who used to think pink is just too girly for her. plus im not even gonna stay here forever, a pair of sneakers and sandals should be enough already. (and it doesnt even include my white ones and my red shoes..).
in fairness...im not really shoes-crazy. 3/4 of them i packed from home, you know..for "just in case" situations (formal, blahblah...)...and the ones i bought here were on sale..i swear i never would have bought them if they weren't discounted. i'm still normal right?
and i actually believed im not a pinkperson..until i searched my cabinet -HERE- and found this..
wheeeew. okay now i have to go spend my afternoon at our dorm's dining hall studying instead of staying in the comfort of my room, to lower my electricity bill. kaya mahal ko ang pinas e...at least even if its hot almost all year long, we dont really have to use arcon to survive...e dito, ill die freezing if i dont turn the heater on. haaaay. buhay.
plus mga madudumi kong pink 'patos...meron pa actually kaso sobrang dumi nya na e...
oh..and this one too...
and i think i still have one pair hiding in my cabinet in manila. i dont know what happened...i just noticed one day that i have pink shoes...loads of them. well not loads loads but its a lot for someone who's going to eat noodles, and sandwich plus cheeze for many consecutive days from now on, as part of her i-have-to-save-or-i'll-die-of-poverty-before-i-get-home project (good thing my dorm serves breakie and dinner ^_^)...and for someone who used to think pink is just too girly for her. plus im not even gonna stay here forever, a pair of sneakers and sandals should be enough already. (and it doesnt even include my white ones and my red shoes..).
in fairness...im not really shoes-crazy. 3/4 of them i packed from home, you know..for "just in case" situations (formal, blahblah...)...and the ones i bought here were on sale..i swear i never would have bought them if they weren't discounted. i'm still normal right?
and i actually believed im not a pinkperson..until i searched my cabinet -HERE- and found this..
wheeeew. okay now i have to go spend my afternoon at our dorm's dining hall studying instead of staying in the comfort of my room, to lower my electricity bill. kaya mahal ko ang pinas e...at least even if its hot almost all year long, we dont really have to use arcon to survive...e dito, ill die freezing if i dont turn the heater on. haaaay. buhay.
caught a falling star @ 1:09 PM
2...comments
ta.ta.ta.tada...^_^
well, ate broken wings...i just have to show you this. this is my bank card here in tokyo. its not a credit card though -_-...its supposed to contain my allowance/savings but its almost often depleted that if i accidentally lose it, the only probable thing ill be worried about is if they have the same design as this ^_^.
when you open an account, you get to choose if you want a plain card or a character one like this...and they have other disney character too!!! and have i mentioned that here in tokyo (well, at least in my bank, tokyo mitsubishi bank) the minimum amount required to open a bank account is 1 yen!? that's 50 cents in the philippines!!! just how cool is that? ^_^
here's my cashcard..tatatatada!
ate broken wings was ranting on her blog about planning on cutting her credit cards out of her system, one by one, but that she'll be retaining her Metrobank because it's soo cute with its light blue color.
well, ate broken wings...i just have to show you this. this is my bank card here in tokyo. its not a credit card though -_-...its supposed to contain my allowance/savings but its almost often depleted that if i accidentally lose it, the only probable thing ill be worried about is if they have the same design as this ^_^.
when you open an account, you get to choose if you want a plain card or a character one like this...and they have other disney character too!!! and have i mentioned that here in tokyo (well, at least in my bank, tokyo mitsubishi bank) the minimum amount required to open a bank account is 1 yen!? that's 50 cents in the philippines!!! just how cool is that? ^_^
here's my cashcard..tatatatada!
caught a falling star @ 11:08 AM
4...comments
falling star's current mood:
pagod from falling...tapos wala namang sumasalo...
caught a falling star @ 9:39 AM
1...comments
Thursday, February 17, 2005
but i dont want to ask
This faith was only passed on to me...i was never asked if i wanted to be Christian...i was never asked if i wanted to hear mass, i just grew up doing it. when i was little, i remember sleeping during mass and when my sister and i would have petty fights the moment we got home, papa would ask me and my sister what the homily was all about and what we learned from it...and i'd be cracking my brain with whatever i heard during times while im awake. and when we were kids, our punishment whenever we do anything wrong, is to kneel in front of our altar until we realize what we should be sorry about. and just recently, before i got here, on one of our conversations on memory lane at home, i was told that when i was very little, maybe around 3-6 years old, when its time for communion, i would always always whisper to them "malapit na tayo uwi" (its almost time to go home). my 3-6 year-old mind was probably wondering why masses seem to take forever...
this faith was only passed on to me...but now that i'm all grown up, i am grateful i have this faith. it has made me go through painful and difficult times, wounded but stronger each time. God has always been good to me. always giving me what i need, when i needed them. not all of my prayers were answered, but most were answered right whne i least expect it.
i would like to think from the verses above, that God was bugging me to ask Him about m.c...
they say that God knows your needs even before you conceived of them, but oftentimes, God wants to hear it straight from you...that you wanted it.
but i dont want to ask Him.
i never fail to mention m.c. to Him but i never asked Him to pull some strings to make m.c. like me. Because what if He heard me and it happens? if it does, im scared i wouldnt know how to handle it. now im officially weird, arent i? here i am, going through a long-term headache and heartsickness because someone i like doesnt seem to like me back, and yet the thought/possibility of him liking me back scares me either. i dont know. it scares me to picture myself with him. -_-
I would always tell God to give me someone who will care for me, someone who will make sure i am okay, someone who will love me..at least as much as my heart could love him.., and i would add that if that someone isn't the m.c. who is unknowingly hurting me now, i hope God makes me more patient and faithful until the right someone comes...
my bible reading for these past few days were like "i prayed for this...and the Lord has granted me what i asked of Him.", "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. for everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.", "To the Lord, I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill."
This faith was only passed on to me...i was never asked if i wanted to be Christian...i was never asked if i wanted to hear mass, i just grew up doing it. when i was little, i remember sleeping during mass and when my sister and i would have petty fights the moment we got home, papa would ask me and my sister what the homily was all about and what we learned from it...and i'd be cracking my brain with whatever i heard during times while im awake. and when we were kids, our punishment whenever we do anything wrong, is to kneel in front of our altar until we realize what we should be sorry about. and just recently, before i got here, on one of our conversations on memory lane at home, i was told that when i was very little, maybe around 3-6 years old, when its time for communion, i would always always whisper to them "malapit na tayo uwi" (its almost time to go home). my 3-6 year-old mind was probably wondering why masses seem to take forever...
this faith was only passed on to me...but now that i'm all grown up, i am grateful i have this faith. it has made me go through painful and difficult times, wounded but stronger each time. God has always been good to me. always giving me what i need, when i needed them. not all of my prayers were answered, but most were answered right whne i least expect it.
i would like to think from the verses above, that God was bugging me to ask Him about m.c...
they say that God knows your needs even before you conceived of them, but oftentimes, God wants to hear it straight from you...that you wanted it.
but i dont want to ask Him.
i never fail to mention m.c. to Him but i never asked Him to pull some strings to make m.c. like me. Because what if He heard me and it happens? if it does, im scared i wouldnt know how to handle it. now im officially weird, arent i? here i am, going through a long-term headache and heartsickness because someone i like doesnt seem to like me back, and yet the thought/possibility of him liking me back scares me either. i dont know. it scares me to picture myself with him. -_-
I would always tell God to give me someone who will care for me, someone who will make sure i am okay, someone who will love me..at least as much as my heart could love him.., and i would add that if that someone isn't the m.c. who is unknowingly hurting me now, i hope God makes me more patient and faithful until the right someone comes...
caught a falling star @ 9:56 PM
4...comments
"well, either you forget about him or take some action, everything else is nothing but pain"
how can i know okashi's right and yet im still choosing "everything else" even though it gives me nothing but pain.
i havent been writing these past few days. i just didnt seem to have the energy. i couldnt even figure out what's going on in my head these days.
have i really liked him? okay, 1. he's just a schoolmate and yet i got jealous with my friend when i had this crazy thought that she liked him too and they get to spend more time together (actually, he gets to spend more time with everyone else--coz i hardly speak to him). 2. and he kept me ranting about him in most of my posts. 3. i gave him a nickname--m.c. (originally stands for Minor Crush). 4. while i was reviewing my jap. vocabulary at school this morning, i noticed i had his nickname scribbled all over my notepad and i had to erase one of the scribbles coz its his name and i might drop my notepad accidently and that spells trouble. 5. when i pray to God, i never miss mentioning him. 6. i wasnt happy when i didnt see him for eleven days since feb. 5 until feb. 15--and just why would i not be happy? i avoid him when he's around anyway, and hardly ever speak a word to him. 7. when i open my msn, my eyes would automatically search for his name which is silly because i dont have anything to say to him on msn anyway. 8. nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them ~ from shengwen's blog. i dont think he's perfect but...err...he still brings out this annoying insecurities in me (that im not tall enough, not blahblah...) 9. all the friends i ever trusted knew about him being m.c. (if i ever become [real] friends with everyone at our department, its not impossible for everyone else to end up knowing about it, leaving him to be the only person clueless...ooopps, i have to stop myself from trusting too many people if i want to keep it secret) 10. and when i listen to some songs, i would associate it with him 11. i even made a seven-minute long video out of his pictures(from my friend's cam)...and for what reason? i dont know...i dont even have any plans of showing it to him. 12. etcetera...sure i did those things (not to mention i took a picture of his passport pic when my friend brought it home with her for visa purposes--just how silly and embarassing is that?!?)...but have i really liked him? coz if i had, howcome i couldnt pull that courage to tell him how i feel (if the feeling was anything close to like at all)...i mean, if i really liked him, he'd be worth being brave for right?
*sigh
but no...im still choosing "everything else," though i know they will only give me a headache and a heartsick...
Another Day
Lie to me, say that you need me
That's what I wanna hear
That is what, what makes me happy
Hoping you'll be near
All this time, how could I know
Within these walls,
I can feel you
*Another day goes by,
will never know just wonder why
You made me feel good, made me smile
I see it now, and I, can say it's gone
That would be a lie
Cannot control this, this thing called love
You must think, how can this be
You don't really know me
I can't tell, this ain't the time
You'll never be mine
What can I say, something 'bout my life
I just lost again
*
Always have to move on,
To leave it all behind
Go along with time
*
~okashi
how can i know okashi's right and yet im still choosing "everything else" even though it gives me nothing but pain.
i havent been writing these past few days. i just didnt seem to have the energy. i couldnt even figure out what's going on in my head these days.
have i really liked him? okay, 1. he's just a schoolmate and yet i got jealous with my friend when i had this crazy thought that she liked him too and they get to spend more time together (actually, he gets to spend more time with everyone else--coz i hardly speak to him). 2. and he kept me ranting about him in most of my posts. 3. i gave him a nickname--m.c. (originally stands for Minor Crush). 4. while i was reviewing my jap. vocabulary at school this morning, i noticed i had his nickname scribbled all over my notepad and i had to erase one of the scribbles coz its his name and i might drop my notepad accidently and that spells trouble. 5. when i pray to God, i never miss mentioning him. 6. i wasnt happy when i didnt see him for eleven days since feb. 5 until feb. 15--and just why would i not be happy? i avoid him when he's around anyway, and hardly ever speak a word to him. 7. when i open my msn, my eyes would automatically search for his name which is silly because i dont have anything to say to him on msn anyway. 8. nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them ~ from shengwen's blog. i dont think he's perfect but...err...he still brings out this annoying insecurities in me (that im not tall enough, not blahblah...) 9. all the friends i ever trusted knew about him being m.c. (if i ever become [real] friends with everyone at our department, its not impossible for everyone else to end up knowing about it, leaving him to be the only person clueless...ooopps, i have to stop myself from trusting too many people if i want to keep it secret) 10. and when i listen to some songs, i would associate it with him 11. i even made a seven-minute long video out of his pictures(from my friend's cam)...and for what reason? i dont know...i dont even have any plans of showing it to him. 12. etcetera...sure i did those things (not to mention i took a picture of his passport pic when my friend brought it home with her for visa purposes--just how silly and embarassing is that?!?)...but have i really liked him? coz if i had, howcome i couldnt pull that courage to tell him how i feel (if the feeling was anything close to like at all)...i mean, if i really liked him, he'd be worth being brave for right?
*sigh
but no...im still choosing "everything else," though i know they will only give me a headache and a heartsick...
caught a falling star @ 8:25 PM
1...comments
Monday, February 14, 2005
my song at the moment...
Another Day
Lie to me, say that you need me
That's what I wanna hear
That is what, what makes me happy
Hoping you'll be near
All this time, how could I know
Within these walls,
I can feel you
*Another day goes by,
will never know just wonder why
You made me feel good, made me smile
I see it now, and I, can say it's gone
That would be a lie
Cannot control this, this thing called love
You must think, how can this be
You don't really know me
I can't tell, this ain't the time
You'll never be mine
What can I say, something 'bout my life
I just lost again
*
Always have to move on,
To leave it all behind
Go along with time
*
caught a falling star @ 7:21 AM
3...comments
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
-_-
when i was little, i used to disobey mama every now and then. like whenever she asks me to take a nap in the afternoon, i would only lie in bed but i never really sleep. but it isnt really that i love disobeying her, i really just cant make myself doze off. she would also tell me not to read in faint light or not to wash my legs and feet when i just got back from school, but i would do it anyway.
but i also remember that whenever mama sleeps in the afternoon and i felt she's sleeping too long already, that she should be awake already...i would sneak in her room and watch her sleeping, scared she'll never wake up and i remember how relieved id be when i see her chest rise and fall which means that mama's still breathing...and it would make me smile.
i wasn't always a good daughter to mama. but i love her a lot. and i wish she knows that when im talking back at her whenever we two argue, it pains me too...but that i couldnt help it. i just have to say whats on my mind and oftentimes, she doesnt like it. im not a perfect daughter but i hope she knows i love her very much that watching her breathing when she sleeps calms my often worried heart. -_-
i was lying in bed reading, when a memory crossed my mind.
when i was little, i used to disobey mama every now and then. like whenever she asks me to take a nap in the afternoon, i would only lie in bed but i never really sleep. but it isnt really that i love disobeying her, i really just cant make myself doze off. she would also tell me not to read in faint light or not to wash my legs and feet when i just got back from school, but i would do it anyway.
but i also remember that whenever mama sleeps in the afternoon and i felt she's sleeping too long already, that she should be awake already...i would sneak in her room and watch her sleeping, scared she'll never wake up and i remember how relieved id be when i see her chest rise and fall which means that mama's still breathing...and it would make me smile.
i wasn't always a good daughter to mama. but i love her a lot. and i wish she knows that when im talking back at her whenever we two argue, it pains me too...but that i couldnt help it. i just have to say whats on my mind and oftentimes, she doesnt like it. im not a perfect daughter but i hope she knows i love her very much that watching her breathing when she sleeps calms my often worried heart. -_-
caught a falling star @ 1:16 PM
1...comments
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
on my headphones
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody
That this is your song
It maybe quite simple
But now that it's done
Hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world
--from your song, ewan mcgreggor (moulin rouge)
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and
Watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights
And lay there in the dark
And the thought
Crosses my mind
If I never wake up
In the morning
Would she ever doubt
The way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know
How much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time
On earth were through
And she must face
The world without me
Is the loveI gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
--from if tomorrow never comes (my aunt said this is uncle's song for her..-_-:)
Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive...
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this....
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where
I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
--from i could not ask for more, edwin mccain (message in a bottle)
...I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
--from the reason, hoobastank
love songs certainly have a way of making you feel somethings missing in your life. haaaaay...i guess ive been listening (and really paying attention) to too many love songs and i have to start putting a limit to it, like at most ten songs for a day...that should be enough. then again, maybe i should just learn the art of hearing but not really listening...or better yet, just learn to be happy with what i have. a friend said that if you cant be happy being single, nor can you be happy being in a relationship. makes perfect sense. i have to give that a serious thought...
My gift is my song
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody
That this is your song
It maybe quite simple
But now that it's done
Hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world
--from your song, ewan mcgreggor (moulin rouge)
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and
Watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights
And lay there in the dark
And the thought
Crosses my mind
If I never wake up
In the morning
Would she ever doubt
The way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know
How much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time
On earth were through
And she must face
The world without me
Is the loveI gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
--from if tomorrow never comes (my aunt said this is uncle's song for her..-_-:)
Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive...
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this....
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where
I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
--from i could not ask for more, edwin mccain (message in a bottle)
...I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
--from the reason, hoobastank
love songs certainly have a way of making you feel somethings missing in your life. haaaaay...i guess ive been listening (and really paying attention) to too many love songs and i have to start putting a limit to it, like at most ten songs for a day...that should be enough. then again, maybe i should just learn the art of hearing but not really listening...or better yet, just learn to be happy with what i have. a friend said that if you cant be happy being single, nor can you be happy being in a relationship. makes perfect sense. i have to give that a serious thought...
caught a falling star @ 9:53 PM
3...comments
i love kids
but in general, i really love kids. back at my univ., my org. has this every saturday childcare program where we take these kids from a nearby community. its just about three hours of playing with them or doing whatever to make their saturday fun. and on wednesdays we tutor grade six students from a nearby public school. im not present in all saturdays and wednesdays because of university stuff plus oh-im-gonna-do-that-_ _ _ _ (could be a paper, project, review, etc.)-next-week-but-for-now-ill-enjoy-procrastinating-while-watching-tv syndrome which makes me pseudo busy. but when i do attend, i really enjoy it. and you know the feeling you get when the kids still remember your name even after youve been *m.i.a. for ages? or when youre walking in some random street and one of the kids see you from across the street and start calling you "ate kL! ate kL!." or when they look up to you, telling you they also want to study economics and be a UPian like you...i stopped for a few minutes to figure out the word to describe how it feels but until now no one word could say it all. i really love kids.
like when my aunt and my little cousin lived in our home for a while, i would give my four year old cousin a bath, or feed her, or lie on the bed beside her while brushing her hair with my hand, in the afternoons until she's fast asleep...she makes me feel like i'm the big sister that im not. tears. i miss those times. sure, she gets on my nerves sometimes...no, sometimes is an understatement..she gets on my nerves a lot. she's picture crazy. shes just mad about pictures. sometimes i think, she's becoming a bona fide narcissistic. my phone has a camera. oftentimes while im texting someone, id just notice theres a little creature posing in front of me, with a smile stretched from ear to ear, with this creature's head a little bit tilt-->my little cousin thinking i'm gonna take a picture of her. i remember often finding her in my room looking at my mirror while fixing her hair. i hate it most when she would act like a 50 year old and start reprimanding me like she's really my mother. i hate it coz her expression looks so real and i just want to slap her to remind her shes only four years old. i hate it too when she throws tantrums and acts like a perfect bitch in the making. she's crazy...and i miss her. they went back to their real home even before i left for tokyo and i made her promise she wont forget me...i dont know if her 4 year old mind can understand what a promise is...
i just...*sigh* adore kids.
*m.i.a.= missing in action
there will be exceptions ofcourse...some kids are just ultra annoying. some brats who think theyre cute when they make faces at you that makes you just want to squeeze their tiny little necks to your satisfaction, or maybe pinch them until the blood gush out of their skin!?! well not really...i dont get that pissed off at them to do such a horrible thing, in reality i just make face back at them.
but in general, i really love kids. back at my univ., my org. has this every saturday childcare program where we take these kids from a nearby community. its just about three hours of playing with them or doing whatever to make their saturday fun. and on wednesdays we tutor grade six students from a nearby public school. im not present in all saturdays and wednesdays because of university stuff plus oh-im-gonna-do-that-_ _ _ _ (could be a paper, project, review, etc.)-next-week-but-for-now-ill-enjoy-procrastinating-while-watching-tv syndrome which makes me pseudo busy. but when i do attend, i really enjoy it. and you know the feeling you get when the kids still remember your name even after youve been *m.i.a. for ages? or when youre walking in some random street and one of the kids see you from across the street and start calling you "ate kL! ate kL!." or when they look up to you, telling you they also want to study economics and be a UPian like you...i stopped for a few minutes to figure out the word to describe how it feels but until now no one word could say it all. i really love kids.
like when my aunt and my little cousin lived in our home for a while, i would give my four year old cousin a bath, or feed her, or lie on the bed beside her while brushing her hair with my hand, in the afternoons until she's fast asleep...she makes me feel like i'm the big sister that im not. tears. i miss those times. sure, she gets on my nerves sometimes...no, sometimes is an understatement..she gets on my nerves a lot. she's picture crazy. shes just mad about pictures. sometimes i think, she's becoming a bona fide narcissistic. my phone has a camera. oftentimes while im texting someone, id just notice theres a little creature posing in front of me, with a smile stretched from ear to ear, with this creature's head a little bit tilt-->my little cousin thinking i'm gonna take a picture of her. i remember often finding her in my room looking at my mirror while fixing her hair. i hate it most when she would act like a 50 year old and start reprimanding me like she's really my mother. i hate it coz her expression looks so real and i just want to slap her to remind her shes only four years old. i hate it too when she throws tantrums and acts like a perfect bitch in the making. she's crazy...and i miss her. they went back to their real home even before i left for tokyo and i made her promise she wont forget me...i dont know if her 4 year old mind can understand what a promise is...
i just...*sigh* adore kids.
*m.i.a.= missing in action
caught a falling star @ 4:27 PM
0...comments
some random things
eeerr...while im writing, there was an earthquake for more than a minute...and while i should be getting used to this because it has quaked for no less than five times since my stay here in tokyo, its really starting to scare me. when it finally stopped i went to look for wenwen and found her in third floor's bathroom washing her hair. told her i was scared. she told me itll be alright and i could go to her room, and i felt i was keeping my tears from falling. i didnt want to cry in front of her. i dont even know why i wanted to cry. its just an earthquake.
back to mc, yes i rarely see him because its either i go home right after my class ends or fate is trying its powers to hide him from me, helping me live a nervous-free life. by the way, in my dream, he likes me. and in that dream he has two younger sibs: a boy and a girl. haaay...dreams...never real.
just last thursday i went to this bean-throwing festival. its a celebration of the day before the beginning of spring (setsubun). you throw beans to drive away bad spirits and to beckon good luck. you also have to eat beans, the number of which should equal your age. i dont know what that has to do with driving away bad spirits. maybe they think that the older one gets the eviler one becomes so you have to have more share of beans. anyway, i thought everyone would be throwing beans (the sticky kind, like nato) to each other until everyone's messy or hurt enough to stop. i guess wrong. it was worse than that. after the procession and praying, there's a stage where some important (i assume) men and women would face the crowd and throw packed beans (or other stuff like chocolates [also packed, of course], crackers, stockings [yes! tights! in the temple! what a festival huh.]) and as a common citizen, we're expected to join the mob in utter enthusiasm (that turned into a bit of hysteria when the limited stockings were at stake) while catching the goodies that were being thrown. we weren't really expected to join the crowd but since i probably wont be in another bean-throwing festival ever again, might as well join in. i cant recall how many times i got elbowed, pushed, shoved, hit, poked (*sigh*the pains of the vertically-challenged of the world)...it was MANY TIMES but not that much to permanently cut my breathing. thank God..or it would have been a senseless death (i can just imagine the words on my obituary..kathleen, 21, a happy soul in search for that one possible love, died at a very young age fighting for that one pack of---okay enough). it was mental but i admit i really had fun. in fact, im gonna go to another bean-throwing festival, if i could ^_^. claire got injured (not the serious kind) but there would have been no better way to spend that afternoon than catching beans ^_^.
....
i had lunch with wenwen at moss burger. i wish they have moss burger in the philippines, so when i get a craving for fastfood i wouldnt have to settle with mcdo or jollibee. i mean, moss burger have way healthier stuff compared to mcdo and jollibee. -_- (and since when did i become concerned about eating healthy?!)
yesterday, we had this activity at jap class to practice our fortune telling abilities in japanese..well, not really, but..anyway..each of us should write our predictions about no one in particular and afterwards, our fortune papers will be mixed up and each of us will pick our own life's forecast from it. *sigh*. well, fortune's not on my side...my forecast says that 10 years from now, i will be a president of this huge company, but will most likely not get rich. i will have triplets but my marriage will be in trouble. it makes perfect sense...i will get a high wage for being president but my kid's milk needs, diapers, and those toys to shut them up when they feel like being hysterical will eventually drain my savings and the stress would sap all my energy making me unfit for my position in the company and would thus make my husband leave me. what an awful forecast (that's what you get when you have a classmate who derives pleasure from inflicting pain on others...huhuhuhu)
i finally saw the tale of two sisters. at my first attempt to watch it, after a few minutes i realized i just couldnt do it alone. its useless watching a movie when i couldnt stop my hand from blocking my eyesight. but last night i finally saw it. it was really scary. but at the end of the film, i realized it was more of a sad story than a scary one...or maybe both. im really odd. at breakfast this morning, when i told them ive seen the film already, i felt tears trying to escape my eyes...the movie touched this string inside me...i can still hear su-mi in my head, apologizing to her su-yuen, telling her how sorry she was that she didnt hear her pleading/screaming and promising her it wont happen again. and i miss my sister...she does that...she protects me, maybe that was why i never really matured coz i always know someone will take care of everything for me. i guess that was also why i felt crying when i talked to wenwen at the bathroom after the quake..coz she said its alright and asked me to go to her room...that sounded just like my sister.
i dreamt about him. mc, i mean. it's strange coz i hardly ever see him recently. its either...
eeerr...while im writing, there was an earthquake for more than a minute...and while i should be getting used to this because it has quaked for no less than five times since my stay here in tokyo, its really starting to scare me. when it finally stopped i went to look for wenwen and found her in third floor's bathroom washing her hair. told her i was scared. she told me itll be alright and i could go to her room, and i felt i was keeping my tears from falling. i didnt want to cry in front of her. i dont even know why i wanted to cry. its just an earthquake.
back to mc, yes i rarely see him because its either i go home right after my class ends or fate is trying its powers to hide him from me, helping me live a nervous-free life. by the way, in my dream, he likes me. and in that dream he has two younger sibs: a boy and a girl. haaay...dreams...never real.
just last thursday i went to this bean-throwing festival. its a celebration of the day before the beginning of spring (setsubun). you throw beans to drive away bad spirits and to beckon good luck. you also have to eat beans, the number of which should equal your age. i dont know what that has to do with driving away bad spirits. maybe they think that the older one gets the eviler one becomes so you have to have more share of beans. anyway, i thought everyone would be throwing beans (the sticky kind, like nato) to each other until everyone's messy or hurt enough to stop. i guess wrong. it was worse than that. after the procession and praying, there's a stage where some important (i assume) men and women would face the crowd and throw packed beans (or other stuff like chocolates [also packed, of course], crackers, stockings [yes! tights! in the temple! what a festival huh.]) and as a common citizen, we're expected to join the mob in utter enthusiasm (that turned into a bit of hysteria when the limited stockings were at stake) while catching the goodies that were being thrown. we weren't really expected to join the crowd but since i probably wont be in another bean-throwing festival ever again, might as well join in. i cant recall how many times i got elbowed, pushed, shoved, hit, poked (*sigh*the pains of the vertically-challenged of the world)...it was MANY TIMES but not that much to permanently cut my breathing. thank God..or it would have been a senseless death (i can just imagine the words on my obituary..kathleen, 21, a happy soul in search for that one possible love, died at a very young age fighting for that one pack of---okay enough). it was mental but i admit i really had fun. in fact, im gonna go to another bean-throwing festival, if i could ^_^. claire got injured (not the serious kind) but there would have been no better way to spend that afternoon than catching beans ^_^.
....
i had lunch with wenwen at moss burger. i wish they have moss burger in the philippines, so when i get a craving for fastfood i wouldnt have to settle with mcdo or jollibee. i mean, moss burger have way healthier stuff compared to mcdo and jollibee. -_- (and since when did i become concerned about eating healthy?!)
yesterday, we had this activity at jap class to practice our fortune telling abilities in japanese..well, not really, but..anyway..each of us should write our predictions about no one in particular and afterwards, our fortune papers will be mixed up and each of us will pick our own life's forecast from it. *sigh*. well, fortune's not on my side...my forecast says that 10 years from now, i will be a president of this huge company, but will most likely not get rich. i will have triplets but my marriage will be in trouble. it makes perfect sense...i will get a high wage for being president but my kid's milk needs, diapers, and those toys to shut them up when they feel like being hysterical will eventually drain my savings and the stress would sap all my energy making me unfit for my position in the company and would thus make my husband leave me. what an awful forecast (that's what you get when you have a classmate who derives pleasure from inflicting pain on others...huhuhuhu)
i finally saw the tale of two sisters. at my first attempt to watch it, after a few minutes i realized i just couldnt do it alone. its useless watching a movie when i couldnt stop my hand from blocking my eyesight. but last night i finally saw it. it was really scary. but at the end of the film, i realized it was more of a sad story than a scary one...or maybe both. im really odd. at breakfast this morning, when i told them ive seen the film already, i felt tears trying to escape my eyes...the movie touched this string inside me...i can still hear su-mi in my head, apologizing to her su-yuen, telling her how sorry she was that she didnt hear her pleading/screaming and promising her it wont happen again. and i miss my sister...she does that...she protects me, maybe that was why i never really matured coz i always know someone will take care of everything for me. i guess that was also why i felt crying when i talked to wenwen at the bathroom after the quake..coz she said its alright and asked me to go to her room...that sounded just like my sister.
caught a falling star @ 11:27 AM
2...comments
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit...or because Tree didnt ask her to stay...
although it entertains me to rage about my unwanted mails, this isnt really about how i detest them...because well, one in a thousand forwarded mails is certainly worth sharing...and this one ive really come to like...i'm clueless on who wrote this though.
its sad. and it is strange that i actually found myself relating to it when i first read it. i mean, i dont have a tree nor a wind in my life...all these time, there's just me: the leaf...who's waiting in vain for no one in particular...and wishing i have a tree i could belong to.
Tree
People call me "Tree".
I had dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U.
There's one gal who I love a lot but never dared to go after.
She didnt have a pretty face, or good figure, nor an outstanding charm.
She was just a very ordinary gal.
I liked her.
I really liked her.
I liked her innocence, her frankness,
her intelligence and her fragility.
Reason for not going after her was because I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me.
I was also afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish.
I was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her.
I felt that if she were my gal,
she'd be mine ultimately
& I didn't have togive up everything just for her.
The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years.
She watched me chase other gals,
and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.
She was a good actress and me a demanding director.
When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend,
she bumped into us.
She was embarrassed but smiled & said, "Go on!" before running off.
The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut.
I didn't want to know what caused her to cry.
Later that day,
I returned from soccer training to get something & watched
her cry in the classroom for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her.
There was once when both of them quarreled.
I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel.
But I still sided my girlfriend.
I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend.
The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened.
I know she was hurt but she didn't know deep down inside I was hurt too.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend,
I asked her out.
Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her.
I told her about my break up.
Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too,
about her gettingtogether.
I knew who the guy was.
His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School.
I didnt show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes.
Once I reached home, I couldn't breath.
Tears rolled & I broke down.
How many times have I seen her cry for the man who didnt acknowledge her presence?
During graduation, I read an sms in my hp.
It said,
"Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit.
Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......"
Leaf
People call me Leaf.
During the 3 years of Pre-U,
I was on very close terms with a guy as buddykind.
But when he had his 1st girlfriend,
I learnt a feeling
I never should have
learnt - Jealousy.
Sourness to the extreme limit.
They were only together for 2 months.
When they broke up, I hid my happiness.
But after a month, he got together with another gal.
I liked him & I know he liked me.
But why won't he pursue me?
Since he loves me why he didn't he make the first move?
Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt.
After some time, I began to suspect that this was one sided love.
If he didnt like me, why did he treat me so well?
It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend.
I know his likes, his habits.
But his feelings towards me I can never figure out.
You can't expect me a gal to ask him.
Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side.
Care for him, accompany him, and love him.
Hoping that one day, he will come to love me.
Because of this, I waited for him.
Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting.
The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.
At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me.
Everyday he pursues me.
He's like the cool & gentle wind,
trying to blow off a leaf from a tree.
In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind
a small footing in myheart.
I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land.
Finally leaf left the tree,
but the tree only smiled & didn't ask me to stay.
Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit.
Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......
Wind
Because I like a gal called leaf.
Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind.
A wind that will blow her away.
When I first met her, it was 1 month after I transfer to the new school.
I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer.
During ECA time, she will always be sitting there.
Be it alone or with her friends
looking at him.
When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes.
When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes.
Looking at her became my habit.
Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear.
I felt something amissed.
I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness.
The senior was also not there as well.
I went to their classroom, hid outside
and saw my senior colding her.
Tears were in her eyes while he left.
The next day, I saw her at her usual place,
looking at him.
I walked over and smiled to her.
Took out a note & gave to her.
She was surprised.
She looked at me, smiled & accepts the note.
The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.
Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away.
It's not that leaf heart is too heavy.
Its because leaf never want to leave tree.
I replied her note with this statement
and slowly she started to talk to me
& accept my presents & phone calls.
I know that the person she loves is not me.
But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me.
Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times.
Every time, she will divert away from the topic.
But I never give up.
If I decide I want her to be mine,
I will definitely use all means to win her over.
I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her.
Although I know she will try to divert
but I still bear a small ray of hope.
Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend.
I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone.
I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?"
She said, "I'm nodding my head".
"Ah?"
I couldn't believe my ears.
"I'm nodding my head" she replied loudly.
I hang up the phone, quickly changed
and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell.
During the moment when she opens the door,
I hugged her tightly.
Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit.
Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......
i never really fancy receiving forwarded mails. i share exactly the same grievance as broken wings (i cant link her ranting here though, coz i dont know that part about blogging yet). they do iritate the hell out of me too. and i usually receive them for the millionth time...i just dont get it why members of the same mailgroup would still forward it in the exact mailgroup when they know for a fact that everyone in the group has received the same mail! how annoying. and not just that...there are evil mails that scare me into forwarding the message by telling me that my lovelife will be cursed for as long as i live if i dare not send it to more than fifteen of my friends. and it has the nerve to specify how many people i should send it to after cursing my lovelife?! that evil mail! loathe it!
although it entertains me to rage about my unwanted mails, this isnt really about how i detest them...because well, one in a thousand forwarded mails is certainly worth sharing...and this one ive really come to like...i'm clueless on who wrote this though.
its sad. and it is strange that i actually found myself relating to it when i first read it. i mean, i dont have a tree nor a wind in my life...all these time, there's just me: the leaf...who's waiting in vain for no one in particular...and wishing i have a tree i could belong to.
Tree
People call me "Tree".
I had dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U.
There's one gal who I love a lot but never dared to go after.
She didnt have a pretty face, or good figure, nor an outstanding charm.
She was just a very ordinary gal.
I liked her.
I really liked her.
I liked her innocence, her frankness,
her intelligence and her fragility.
Reason for not going after her was because I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me.
I was also afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish.
I was also afraid other's gossip would hurt her.
I felt that if she were my gal,
she'd be mine ultimately
& I didn't have togive up everything just for her.
The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years.
She watched me chase other gals,
and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.
She was a good actress and me a demanding director.
When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend,
she bumped into us.
She was embarrassed but smiled & said, "Go on!" before running off.
The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut.
I didn't want to know what caused her to cry.
Later that day,
I returned from soccer training to get something & watched
her cry in the classroom for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her.
There was once when both of them quarreled.
I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel.
But I still sided my girlfriend.
I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend.
The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened.
I know she was hurt but she didn't know deep down inside I was hurt too.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend,
I asked her out.
Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her.
I told her about my break up.
Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too,
about her gettingtogether.
I knew who the guy was.
His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School.
I didnt show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes.
Once I reached home, I couldn't breath.
Tears rolled & I broke down.
How many times have I seen her cry for the man who didnt acknowledge her presence?
During graduation, I read an sms in my hp.
It said,
"Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit.
Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......"
Leaf
People call me Leaf.
During the 3 years of Pre-U,
I was on very close terms with a guy as buddykind.
But when he had his 1st girlfriend,
I learnt a feeling
I never should have
learnt - Jealousy.
Sourness to the extreme limit.
They were only together for 2 months.
When they broke up, I hid my happiness.
But after a month, he got together with another gal.
I liked him & I know he liked me.
But why won't he pursue me?
Since he loves me why he didn't he make the first move?
Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt.
After some time, I began to suspect that this was one sided love.
If he didnt like me, why did he treat me so well?
It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend.
I know his likes, his habits.
But his feelings towards me I can never figure out.
You can't expect me a gal to ask him.
Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side.
Care for him, accompany him, and love him.
Hoping that one day, he will come to love me.
Because of this, I waited for him.
Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting.
The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.
At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me.
Everyday he pursues me.
He's like the cool & gentle wind,
trying to blow off a leaf from a tree.
In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind
a small footing in myheart.
I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land.
Finally leaf left the tree,
but the tree only smiled & didn't ask me to stay.
Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit.
Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......
Wind
Because I like a gal called leaf.
Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind.
A wind that will blow her away.
When I first met her, it was 1 month after I transfer to the new school.
I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer.
During ECA time, she will always be sitting there.
Be it alone or with her friends
looking at him.
When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes.
When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes.
Looking at her became my habit.
Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear.
I felt something amissed.
I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness.
The senior was also not there as well.
I went to their classroom, hid outside
and saw my senior colding her.
Tears were in her eyes while he left.
The next day, I saw her at her usual place,
looking at him.
I walked over and smiled to her.
Took out a note & gave to her.
She was surprised.
She looked at me, smiled & accepts the note.
The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.
Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away.
It's not that leaf heart is too heavy.
Its because leaf never want to leave tree.
I replied her note with this statement
and slowly she started to talk to me
& accept my presents & phone calls.
I know that the person she loves is not me.
But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me.
Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times.
Every time, she will divert away from the topic.
But I never give up.
If I decide I want her to be mine,
I will definitely use all means to win her over.
I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her.
Although I know she will try to divert
but I still bear a small ray of hope.
Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend.
I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone.
I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?"
She said, "I'm nodding my head".
"Ah?"
I couldn't believe my ears.
"I'm nodding my head" she replied loudly.
I hang up the phone, quickly changed
and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell.
During the moment when she opens the door,
I hugged her tightly.
Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit.
Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay......
caught a falling star @ 11:04 PM
0...comments
