Monday, May 30, 2005
falling all over again
then about my leaving. i am both happy and sad. happy because i realized how much i am being loved and sad because im far away from them now...double sad because i wanted to stay but i couldnt.
then the song "couldve been". its just makes me so sad...reminds me of~~i guess im falling all over again.
i guess i like him still because last last night when i was too drunk they took me to the hospital, when i woke up and saw some people still there, i kind of hoped he stayed too...my eyes were searching for him despite the pain in my head, the weird taste of my mouth, the pain in my stomach and the i-need-to-throw-up feeling...and it disappointed me that he wasnt there. my body was weak but my mind was busy asking myself if i could like someone who couldnt stay with me until the end when im all messed up. i was like, if bryant who doesnt have a care in the world could be there~~where is he? i must have really meant nothing to him because he left.
in the morning i had to mention it to miryll. she said he went to the hospital too and he did pat my back. for a moment there it made me happy and hopes up. but at the end of the day, he was still the guy who didnt stay with me until the end.
it wouldnt have hurt if i never tried to fit him into this image of a guy who can like me, and just see him like a normal guy friend instead. if i just did, id have felt happier because atleast he stayed a bit, even walked from ichigaya to the hospital, and patted my back.
today i went to owsan's home for eating fest--he was there. that was the closest i ever came close to him~~and its not even close close. just civil talk (1/5) and silence (4/5).
when owsan said he'd come, im like, "shit. i look awful." i wanted to do something with my terribly messy hair but i couldnt...its just messy. and when he finally came, im like "oh my he's here and my hair's still The Mess that it is." and all those time, i wasnt nervous but im at a loss on what to do either. i was conscious of my nihongo and careful not to say a bad grammar. why does his opinion have to matter anyway? he may not even have an opinion of me!
at some point i was telling myself not to worry about not having anything talk to him about because thats just the way it is. i liked him, he knew...and things will never go back to the way they were. i can never talk to him the way i would talk to normal guy friends.
i made this strawberry ref cake...and when it didnt freeze the way it should have had~ i was like "great. just when i needed it to be perfect~thats when it decides it doesnt want to be perfect."
when its almost time to go home, i went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. gawdd why do i have to be soOo ordinary? you know the feeling when you wanted something very much but you just cant have it? you know the feeling when you wanted someone to like you but they just wouldnt and couldnt? you know the feeling when you wanted to be above ordinary for someone, but you cant because youre just too ordinary?
its painful. its painful when everyone else likes you and thinks youre an amazing friend but the one person you wish could look and see you in a special way just see you as plainly ordinary...or even below that? painful.
of all people, why did i have to fall for him? wenwen said he likes kawaii and chotto futoi girls. then again people have different ideas of what kawaii is. apparently for him im just not the kawaii kind...im just the girl who blends in the crowd.
its easier to say im moving on already when i cant see him but now that i could see him everyweek..i realized i still care...about how i look when he's around...about what he might think...about anything that concerns him. i still care after all. and its soOo dame falling all over again.
why? why him? why do i hvea to feel like i have to be more than ordinary for him when he is quite ordinary himself?
why? why him? why this feeling?
my eyes and my head hurts from too much crying, and it was because of too many reasons. first is about ate and how i wish things were different...i really wish i could help her but i couldnt and i could have if only i were more careful but now there's nothing i can do and it pains me thinking how much it will hurt ate. its just too much for her.
then about my leaving. i am both happy and sad. happy because i realized how much i am being loved and sad because im far away from them now...double sad because i wanted to stay but i couldnt.
then the song "couldve been". its just makes me so sad...reminds me of~~i guess im falling all over again.
i guess i like him still because last last night when i was too drunk they took me to the hospital, when i woke up and saw some people still there, i kind of hoped he stayed too...my eyes were searching for him despite the pain in my head, the weird taste of my mouth, the pain in my stomach and the i-need-to-throw-up feeling...and it disappointed me that he wasnt there. my body was weak but my mind was busy asking myself if i could like someone who couldnt stay with me until the end when im all messed up. i was like, if bryant who doesnt have a care in the world could be there~~where is he? i must have really meant nothing to him because he left.
in the morning i had to mention it to miryll. she said he went to the hospital too and he did pat my back. for a moment there it made me happy and hopes up. but at the end of the day, he was still the guy who didnt stay with me until the end.
it wouldnt have hurt if i never tried to fit him into this image of a guy who can like me, and just see him like a normal guy friend instead. if i just did, id have felt happier because atleast he stayed a bit, even walked from ichigaya to the hospital, and patted my back.
today i went to owsan's home for eating fest--he was there. that was the closest i ever came close to him~~and its not even close close. just civil talk (1/5) and silence (4/5).
when owsan said he'd come, im like, "shit. i look awful." i wanted to do something with my terribly messy hair but i couldnt...its just messy. and when he finally came, im like "oh my he's here and my hair's still The Mess that it is." and all those time, i wasnt nervous but im at a loss on what to do either. i was conscious of my nihongo and careful not to say a bad grammar. why does his opinion have to matter anyway? he may not even have an opinion of me!
at some point i was telling myself not to worry about not having anything talk to him about because thats just the way it is. i liked him, he knew...and things will never go back to the way they were. i can never talk to him the way i would talk to normal guy friends.
i made this strawberry ref cake...and when it didnt freeze the way it should have had~ i was like "great. just when i needed it to be perfect~thats when it decides it doesnt want to be perfect."
when its almost time to go home, i went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. gawdd why do i have to be soOo ordinary? you know the feeling when you wanted something very much but you just cant have it? you know the feeling when you wanted someone to like you but they just wouldnt and couldnt? you know the feeling when you wanted to be above ordinary for someone, but you cant because youre just too ordinary?
its painful. its painful when everyone else likes you and thinks youre an amazing friend but the one person you wish could look and see you in a special way just see you as plainly ordinary...or even below that? painful.
of all people, why did i have to fall for him? wenwen said he likes kawaii and chotto futoi girls. then again people have different ideas of what kawaii is. apparently for him im just not the kawaii kind...im just the girl who blends in the crowd.
its easier to say im moving on already when i cant see him but now that i could see him everyweek..i realized i still care...about how i look when he's around...about what he might think...about anything that concerns him. i still care after all. and its soOo dame falling all over again.
why? why him? why do i hvea to feel like i have to be more than ordinary for him when he is quite ordinary himself?
why? why him? why this feeling?
caught a falling star @ 12:31 AM
1...comments
Sunday, May 29, 2005
on leaving home
i had to leave my dormitory and move to my aunt's for a number of reasons. all of which leads me to this door.
there's really nothing special about where my dorm is. musashi-urawa isnt perfect. when God decided which place in Tokyo He'd bless with shopping malls, decent parks, or any interesting place to go...musashi-urawa was sleeping so all it got was combini (convenient stores), car shops, houses, more combini, more car shops, and more houses. period. cursed place. i dont mind walking for hours but a 20 minute walk from musashi-urawa train station to my dorm is such a bore i think i can actually sleep while walking.
no...musashi-urawa is the last place yould want to go to in japan. but leaving it tore my heart because of the people who made that place a home for me.
*SiGH*
i dont know where to start. i will miss watching friends and sex and the city in pei's room. ill miss wenwen crashing in my room and sleeping there as if she doesnt have a room of her own. id miss going to her room to watch evening tv drama, eat when im hungry, or for no reason at all. id miss walking every school morning with verena. id miss studying with claire on swings, or in our shokudo. il miss having someone knock on my room when its already time for dinner. or waking me up in time for breakfast. id miss giving miryll a hug in our hallway. id miss knowing i can msn or call someone to be there for me when im sad. id miss bumping into them in the hallways wearing my i-dont-wanna-be-caught-dead-wearing-these-clothes pambahay or with my hair undone. id miss our friday movie nights. id miss getting little presents/surprises in my mailbox or posted on my door.
id miss everything. i would miss a lot. but what id really miss is just being there, sleeping at night, or just hanging in my room knowing the girls are just there in the next room. knowing theyre nearby is my "happy and comfortable thought" in Tokyo, i only need that magic dust and i could fly like peter pan just thinking about them.
i love them. i really do.
and they love me too. verena is my walking buddy. and my dinner buddy too when everyone else is missing. shes my dinner alarm clock. i know its time for dinner when someone knocks on my door when its almost evening...and i know 90% of the time, who'd be the person i'd see outside my door once i open it~verena. i know shes not a very touchy and emotional person but she hugs me when i hug her...and thats enough.
pei is like my mom in tokyo. she's one of those mom's who's always busy but tries to show you how much she cares in other ways. she has many part time jobs (one time it was three jobs all in three weeks) and shes always busy. one time she bought an earring for me because she said it was onsale and she thought id like it. and today she gave me a necklace and a ring~my bye-bye gift. i could also borrow money from her when im short and she lets me pay it anytime i can. when i first got drunk in tokyo, she was the one who patiently brought me home and took me to my room to sleep. she was intentionally planning to go to karaoke with the others but she gave it up to take me home. ill miss hanging out and watching in her room when she's not busy. pei is always missing in action but somehow...i almost always manage to see her once in a while. i slept in her room once and i just realized...i can never do that anymore...
claire...shes my very first friend in Tokyo. shes my very first "happy and comfortable thought." i know id be fine when shes there. we used to do everything together: breakfast, dinner, walk to the station, and even finance. she even cried with me when lolo died. and i cried with her when she couldnt contact her parents. we were each other's safety nets. she's one of my ego-masahistas. she was always generous with compliments to me, telling me im pretty when she thinks i am, or telling me my outfit's cute when she thinks it is. its shallow but when my hair was upsetting me because it wont let me control it, she let me borrow her iron until it broke. ^^ thats what friends are right?
wenwen...im so comfortable with her that when im hungry and dont have food in my room, i know i can just go to her room and she'll feed me. ill definitely miss having her in my bed sleeping as if its her own. i used to go to her room very early in the morning and finish my sleep with her, and we'll wake up together for breakfast. id also miss watching late night telly drama in her room. it used to be our monday night bonding session. and by around 11~11:30 we crash Seiyu (the nearest) for food and well go back to her room and resume watching tv. there was one time when we had lunch outside Seiyu...because i was going to my aunt's and i was ready to go and i cant go back to our dormitory because my stuff were heavy...so we squat outside the supermarket and had a mini-picnic. ill miss our baths and showers together. when she broke up with her boyfriend, she made me keep the things that reminds her of him...i packed it with me. and she made me cry today...because i always hug her...and i hugged her before leaving but she isnt hugging me back so i told her to hug me~~then she said "hajimete" ...she said it was her first time to hug someone..so i hugged her some more. i was her first hug~~thats just soOo makes me feel special.
and then miryll. aaaaaaaaaaaahhh..this makes me cry thinking how i often think i am unloved when i really am very much loved. if theres someone who can literally read my thoughts it would be her. i trust her with my thoughts because i know she will understand and i know she will take care of it...i know she will listen. i used to be uncomfortable standing beside her because shes so pretty and tall while im short and so-so. but im just so very grateful that i overcame that silly and shallow feeling or id have missed a lot. i dont know how it started but somehow she started to become one of the persons i cant live without in tokyo. id treasure our park trips together..where we'll just lie on the ground, read, sleep, or stare at the sky, and take pictures of whatever it is we were eating "in the sky". id treasure walking home with her while indulging on our unhealthy treat for the afternoon, one time it was ice cream, then fries, then mister donuts. i know that with her i will always be safe and taken cared of. last friday night i was soOo drunk that they took me to the hospital...and she was there until the end with me. i know i stink and was soOo gross from all the puking but she was there beside me holding me and hugging me in the train to keep me standing. and when i moved today, she was with me, taking me all the way to my train making sure im fine. when everyone else knows im moving on and getting over m.c. already, she's the only one who knows he still makes me cry. shes almost like a sister to me. coz with my sister, i know i can be stupid or a real bother but i know my sister will still be there. and Mi's almost like sis...
my heart breaks because im leaving home (pei, verena, claire, wenwen, and miryll)..but its not the end of everything...its not like im moving to another part of the world...im just 1 and a half hours train ride away. it will be just a little different...but things will be okay.
i left my first home in tokyo today. i was crushed. i remember crying like there's no tomorrow when i first found out im actually leaving home. i was even avoiding this topic for fear i might cry too much again. but now that i moved already, theres no point not facing the topic when its already here, is there?
i had to leave my dormitory and move to my aunt's for a number of reasons. all of which leads me to this door.
there's really nothing special about where my dorm is. musashi-urawa isnt perfect. when God decided which place in Tokyo He'd bless with shopping malls, decent parks, or any interesting place to go...musashi-urawa was sleeping so all it got was combini (convenient stores), car shops, houses, more combini, more car shops, and more houses. period. cursed place. i dont mind walking for hours but a 20 minute walk from musashi-urawa train station to my dorm is such a bore i think i can actually sleep while walking.
no...musashi-urawa is the last place yould want to go to in japan. but leaving it tore my heart because of the people who made that place a home for me.
*SiGH*
i dont know where to start. i will miss watching friends and sex and the city in pei's room. ill miss wenwen crashing in my room and sleeping there as if she doesnt have a room of her own. id miss going to her room to watch evening tv drama, eat when im hungry, or for no reason at all. id miss walking every school morning with verena. id miss studying with claire on swings, or in our shokudo. il miss having someone knock on my room when its already time for dinner. or waking me up in time for breakfast. id miss giving miryll a hug in our hallway. id miss knowing i can msn or call someone to be there for me when im sad. id miss bumping into them in the hallways wearing my i-dont-wanna-be-caught-dead-wearing-these-clothes pambahay or with my hair undone. id miss our friday movie nights. id miss getting little presents/surprises in my mailbox or posted on my door.
id miss everything. i would miss a lot. but what id really miss is just being there, sleeping at night, or just hanging in my room knowing the girls are just there in the next room. knowing theyre nearby is my "happy and comfortable thought" in Tokyo, i only need that magic dust and i could fly like peter pan just thinking about them.
i love them. i really do.
and they love me too. verena is my walking buddy. and my dinner buddy too when everyone else is missing. shes my dinner alarm clock. i know its time for dinner when someone knocks on my door when its almost evening...and i know 90% of the time, who'd be the person i'd see outside my door once i open it~verena. i know shes not a very touchy and emotional person but she hugs me when i hug her...and thats enough.
pei is like my mom in tokyo. she's one of those mom's who's always busy but tries to show you how much she cares in other ways. she has many part time jobs (one time it was three jobs all in three weeks) and shes always busy. one time she bought an earring for me because she said it was onsale and she thought id like it. and today she gave me a necklace and a ring~my bye-bye gift. i could also borrow money from her when im short and she lets me pay it anytime i can. when i first got drunk in tokyo, she was the one who patiently brought me home and took me to my room to sleep. she was intentionally planning to go to karaoke with the others but she gave it up to take me home. ill miss hanging out and watching in her room when she's not busy. pei is always missing in action but somehow...i almost always manage to see her once in a while. i slept in her room once and i just realized...i can never do that anymore...
claire...shes my very first friend in Tokyo. shes my very first "happy and comfortable thought." i know id be fine when shes there. we used to do everything together: breakfast, dinner, walk to the station, and even finance. she even cried with me when lolo died. and i cried with her when she couldnt contact her parents. we were each other's safety nets. she's one of my ego-masahistas. she was always generous with compliments to me, telling me im pretty when she thinks i am, or telling me my outfit's cute when she thinks it is. its shallow but when my hair was upsetting me because it wont let me control it, she let me borrow her iron until it broke. ^^ thats what friends are right?
wenwen...im so comfortable with her that when im hungry and dont have food in my room, i know i can just go to her room and she'll feed me. ill definitely miss having her in my bed sleeping as if its her own. i used to go to her room very early in the morning and finish my sleep with her, and we'll wake up together for breakfast. id also miss watching late night telly drama in her room. it used to be our monday night bonding session. and by around 11~11:30 we crash Seiyu (the nearest) for food and well go back to her room and resume watching tv. there was one time when we had lunch outside Seiyu...because i was going to my aunt's and i was ready to go and i cant go back to our dormitory because my stuff were heavy...so we squat outside the supermarket and had a mini-picnic. ill miss our baths and showers together. when she broke up with her boyfriend, she made me keep the things that reminds her of him...i packed it with me. and she made me cry today...because i always hug her...and i hugged her before leaving but she isnt hugging me back so i told her to hug me~~then she said "hajimete" ...she said it was her first time to hug someone..so i hugged her some more. i was her first hug~~thats just soOo makes me feel special.
and then miryll. aaaaaaaaaaaahhh..this makes me cry thinking how i often think i am unloved when i really am very much loved. if theres someone who can literally read my thoughts it would be her. i trust her with my thoughts because i know she will understand and i know she will take care of it...i know she will listen. i used to be uncomfortable standing beside her because shes so pretty and tall while im short and so-so. but im just so very grateful that i overcame that silly and shallow feeling or id have missed a lot. i dont know how it started but somehow she started to become one of the persons i cant live without in tokyo. id treasure our park trips together..where we'll just lie on the ground, read, sleep, or stare at the sky, and take pictures of whatever it is we were eating "in the sky". id treasure walking home with her while indulging on our unhealthy treat for the afternoon, one time it was ice cream, then fries, then mister donuts. i know that with her i will always be safe and taken cared of. last friday night i was soOo drunk that they took me to the hospital...and she was there until the end with me. i know i stink and was soOo gross from all the puking but she was there beside me holding me and hugging me in the train to keep me standing. and when i moved today, she was with me, taking me all the way to my train making sure im fine. when everyone else knows im moving on and getting over m.c. already, she's the only one who knows he still makes me cry. shes almost like a sister to me. coz with my sister, i know i can be stupid or a real bother but i know my sister will still be there. and Mi's almost like sis...
my heart breaks because im leaving home (pei, verena, claire, wenwen, and miryll)..but its not the end of everything...its not like im moving to another part of the world...im just 1 and a half hours train ride away. it will be just a little different...but things will be okay.
caught a falling star @ 12:19 AM
0...comments
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
the end of my flip flops that doesnt flop
miryll told me in one of the best letters ive ever received that i am so not meant to be alone forever...but that i just have to be a little more patient because i ask much...
why is it that i want to be attached anyway? what is it that i want from a relationship?
***err...i guess i have to continue this at home because its getting darker and i...oh my..is it raining?! aargh. not again!!?! ***
it did rain. it looks so perfectly well this morning that i thought i would be needing no umbrella, hence i didnt bring any, then it rained. aaaargh. and faced with the terror of having to buy my fifth umbrella, i did what any stupid girl would do...i walked...no ran...back to ichigaya to get my umbrella deposited at school. i was dripping wet when i reached school that no umbrella can save me or my already-wet bag and books.
next, i did what only certified stupid girls would do. the rain was pouring heavily and i was all wet, it was 6 in the evening and getting dark, i was wearing my flip flops that doest flop because it has heels (read: very slippery), and i have an almighty train pass from my dorm to my school which would take me to shinjuku for 10 minutes sheltered from the rain and if im lucky i might even get a seat---but i still continued walking...and it took me more than an hour.
i dont know if i should be happy knowing that i have the will to do what my heart first sets out to do despite the odds, or if i should be worried that i am getting really stubborn. *sigh* but at least my flip flops was stronger than it looks. tonight wasnt its last day walking on earth after all.
after my coffeeshop study time today, i felt like walking from ichigaya to shinjuku again instead of taking the train (with train it only takes 10 minutes, with my own two feet it takes more than an hour). i need some fresh air and time alone to think. i walked pass this park-like long strip of street at yotsuya and i was looking for a log of wood to sit on but every log of wood i pass by (at least 7?) has a couple having an afternoon quality time talking. although the log is long enough to accomodate at least eight people, i felt it was inappropriate to share the log with them so i just kept on walking. i finally landed on the last log there is, but with no view. but i had to do something so i thought id just do what i love doing: write.
miryll told me in one of the best letters ive ever received that i am so not meant to be alone forever...but that i just have to be a little more patient because i ask much...
why is it that i want to be attached anyway? what is it that i want from a relationship?
***err...i guess i have to continue this at home because its getting darker and i...oh my..is it raining?! aargh. not again!!?! ***
it did rain. it looks so perfectly well this morning that i thought i would be needing no umbrella, hence i didnt bring any, then it rained. aaaargh. and faced with the terror of having to buy my fifth umbrella, i did what any stupid girl would do...i walked...no ran...back to ichigaya to get my umbrella deposited at school. i was dripping wet when i reached school that no umbrella can save me or my already-wet bag and books.
next, i did what only certified stupid girls would do. the rain was pouring heavily and i was all wet, it was 6 in the evening and getting dark, i was wearing my flip flops that doest flop because it has heels (read: very slippery), and i have an almighty train pass from my dorm to my school which would take me to shinjuku for 10 minutes sheltered from the rain and if im lucky i might even get a seat---but i still continued walking...and it took me more than an hour.
i dont know if i should be happy knowing that i have the will to do what my heart first sets out to do despite the odds, or if i should be worried that i am getting really stubborn. *sigh* but at least my flip flops was stronger than it looks. tonight wasnt its last day walking on earth after all.
caught a falling star @ 9:31 PM
3...comments
Monday, May 23, 2005
never a library person
i dont know what it is about coffeeshops but no matter how noisy it may be inside, i can shut my ear from the noise and actually concentrate on studying. whereas inside libraries, the silence is just deafening and the environment just lulls me to sleep. it must be the smell of books, or the monotonous appearance of everyone looking seriously absorbed inside their own books, or maybe the lack of color of most library rooms...but whatever it is, library is just not a study place for me. i could read like harry pottter but never study-study books. there was one time when i tried to study in the library, moments after, i was already under a sleeping spell and to rescue myself from sleeping i scribbled atom's name all over my econ11 book with my green highlighter (atom= person; milo advertisement guy who's a student in my university; who i had an infantile crush ages ago; from pisay; plays soccer; member of stand-up and ran for council--okay enough information for an infinitisimal crush)...but it didnt work, i still fell asleep.
this whole thing about me being able to write my thoughts again no matter how trivial they are makes me happy. just goes to show that i am moving on now and that i could actually think of things other than ex-m.c. okay now im contradicting myself. i think about something for a minute and then my thoughts would lead me back to him again.
just how ironic is that?
its difficult to explain it. but as far as i know, i am now 80% over him, maybe even 90%...i actually formed this "we-hate-ex-m.c." club with me as a member (and 3/4 Mi okashi?) and all we do is notice all there is that's not-to-like about ex m.c. when those not-to-like things appear. and no its not out of bitterness.... its just maybe when you stop liking someone, he also stops being perfect in your eyes.
he can be insensitive sometimes and crazy about Koreans. and somehow i still cant get over the you-shocked-me-from-the-busy thingy. but i wont get into all that. he may seem like a jerk but still...i liked him at one point so i should just keep to myself whatever i find unlikable in him.
i probably said many times over that "this will be the last ever entry mentioning ex-m.c." but its always followed by the next entry promising the same thing, and so on. i shouldnt force myself to hurry move on. one day ill wake up totally over it. but for now,its okay to be human..and humans dont let go of things that fast...even if all there is left are bruises from the big fall on the ground.
i still find it dangerous-slash-strange-slash-amazing how out of the blue, without warning and without a logical reason, we just suddenly fall for someone. of all the people surrounding us, someone suddenly stand out from the crowd and we notice and give meaning to even the littlest action of the person. then we find ourselves helplessly falling and trying to make up reasons why our hearts are beating for that particular someone.
usually the person's not the best looking, not the nicest, he can be insensitive or he can even be stupid and yet, its him. its him that you see. and its dangerous because its like giving someone a license to hurt you and no amount of preparation can save you from the possibility of getting broken. its scary because when you fall out of balance, you are not sure if he will be there to catch you just in time, and in my case, they usually dont.
i started writing this at excelsior cafe and now im in here...sitting at the no smoking area seat of Ichigaya train station, cross-legged, looking over the river, and allowing at least 15 trains to pass by me. its very tirvial and yet i cant stop writing.
perhaps ill never be a library person..and i can also never be forever a member of "anti-love" club...maybe i never was.
***i still dont believe my luck. today i bought my 4th umbrella while my other three are all perfectly healthy and hanging prettily somewhere in my room. i dont get it why it has to rain when i dont ahve any umbrella with me. talk about being very lucky***
i was never a library person. i think i am more efficient studying in a coffeeshop...or when its really late at night and everyone else is sleeping already (except my sister because were almost always awake studying together). i remember since high school when its almost time for periodical exams, after i got home from class, i would be idle for a while and then id sleep and ill ask mama or usually papa (coz he comes home late from work) to wake me up at around 12~1 and thats my study time until morning or up until how long a few cups of coffee could keep me awake.
i dont know what it is about coffeeshops but no matter how noisy it may be inside, i can shut my ear from the noise and actually concentrate on studying. whereas inside libraries, the silence is just deafening and the environment just lulls me to sleep. it must be the smell of books, or the monotonous appearance of everyone looking seriously absorbed inside their own books, or maybe the lack of color of most library rooms...but whatever it is, library is just not a study place for me. i could read like harry pottter but never study-study books. there was one time when i tried to study in the library, moments after, i was already under a sleeping spell and to rescue myself from sleeping i scribbled atom's name all over my econ11 book with my green highlighter (atom= person; milo advertisement guy who's a student in my university; who i had an infantile crush ages ago; from pisay; plays soccer; member of stand-up and ran for council--okay enough information for an infinitisimal crush)...but it didnt work, i still fell asleep.
this whole thing about me being able to write my thoughts again no matter how trivial they are makes me happy. just goes to show that i am moving on now and that i could actually think of things other than ex-m.c. okay now im contradicting myself. i think about something for a minute and then my thoughts would lead me back to him again.
just how ironic is that?
its difficult to explain it. but as far as i know, i am now 80% over him, maybe even 90%...i actually formed this "we-hate-ex-m.c." club with me as a member (and 3/4 Mi okashi?) and all we do is notice all there is that's not-to-like about ex m.c. when those not-to-like things appear. and no its not out of bitterness.... its just maybe when you stop liking someone, he also stops being perfect in your eyes.
he can be insensitive sometimes and crazy about Koreans. and somehow i still cant get over the you-shocked-me-from-the-busy thingy. but i wont get into all that. he may seem like a jerk but still...i liked him at one point so i should just keep to myself whatever i find unlikable in him.
i probably said many times over that "this will be the last ever entry mentioning ex-m.c." but its always followed by the next entry promising the same thing, and so on. i shouldnt force myself to hurry move on. one day ill wake up totally over it. but for now,its okay to be human..and humans dont let go of things that fast...even if all there is left are bruises from the big fall on the ground.
i still find it dangerous-slash-strange-slash-amazing how out of the blue, without warning and without a logical reason, we just suddenly fall for someone. of all the people surrounding us, someone suddenly stand out from the crowd and we notice and give meaning to even the littlest action of the person. then we find ourselves helplessly falling and trying to make up reasons why our hearts are beating for that particular someone.
usually the person's not the best looking, not the nicest, he can be insensitive or he can even be stupid and yet, its him. its him that you see. and its dangerous because its like giving someone a license to hurt you and no amount of preparation can save you from the possibility of getting broken. its scary because when you fall out of balance, you are not sure if he will be there to catch you just in time, and in my case, they usually dont.
i started writing this at excelsior cafe and now im in here...sitting at the no smoking area seat of Ichigaya train station, cross-legged, looking over the river, and allowing at least 15 trains to pass by me. its very tirvial and yet i cant stop writing.
perhaps ill never be a library person..and i can also never be forever a member of "anti-love" club...maybe i never was.
***i still dont believe my luck. today i bought my 4th umbrella while my other three are all perfectly healthy and hanging prettily somewhere in my room. i dont get it why it has to rain when i dont ahve any umbrella with me. talk about being very lucky***
caught a falling star @ 9:15 PM
2...comments
Sunday, May 22, 2005
deadlines, deadlines, deadlines...
recently i also found out that ex r.c. (a.k.a. ex t.c.) despite his claim to have a mental age of a 12 year old and a physical strength age of a 20 year old is actually 26 year old turning 27 this year. and i was like, if he is 26..what's he doing hanging out with 21 year olds...shouldnt he be working already?
its just all these things got me thinking about Deadlines. are our lives really defined by explicit and implicit deadlines that were all consciously or unconsciously trying to meet? and if we dont meet our deadlines, does that make us a failure? or we just happen to be one of those who prefer not being dragged by the band wagon?
school projects, presentations, paper deadlines--most of us have all gone through it. but beyond these explicit deadlines, is there more?
by the age of 6 or 7, you should have finished kindergarten already. if by 11 and you havent started school yet, arent you a bit too old for learning nursery rhymes? at home, by the age of 21 or 22 you should have graduated from college already...23 is okay, 24 is okay, and 25 is still okay except that almost everyone else in your freshman batch is either working or married or bumming around but no longer in school.
if a guy asked for your number but hasnt called or texted you for a week...is that some sort of a deadline for you to finally classify him either as the guy who likes you or the guy who simply wants to stack your number on his phonebook for "just in case" cases, or for future reference? or if you told someone you like him or her but a month has passed already and there's still no mention about it, no "hi", "hello", no nothing--is that a deadline for you to let go of any little hope still left after a month of silence?
most friends I asked what age they would want to get married would tell me 29 to 32. i want to be married at age 31 to 32 too...not too young to miss all the joys of singlehood and not too old to be a grandma to you kids. BUT what if in 10 years, I still haven�� found my way to The One and he still haven�� found his way to me? or what if we do meet but haven�� recognize each other? What if theres no special one for me? WHAT IF I MISS MY DEADLINE? does that mean im a failure?
*SiGH*
if i miss my deadline, itll make me sad. Because I definitely want to be friends friends with my kids...but I cant quite do that if im 50 and my kids are around 10 or 7 right?
but whatever happens, I definitely wont cram just to meet this deadline.
my professor reminded me of my paper due early july (which in other words mean late june.aaargh.) the last thing i wanted to be reminded of. i have always been the cramming kind but when i got here in Tokyo, ive gotten worse: i could sit in front of my pc for days and still find an infinite reasons to keep me busy without really doing anything. i know its bad especially because im already 21 and i have respnsibilities...and i may be mistaken for a high school student but it still doesnt change the fact that im no longer a kid and a computer should not be all my life is about.
recently i also found out that ex r.c. (a.k.a. ex t.c.) despite his claim to have a mental age of a 12 year old and a physical strength age of a 20 year old is actually 26 year old turning 27 this year. and i was like, if he is 26..what's he doing hanging out with 21 year olds...shouldnt he be working already?
its just all these things got me thinking about Deadlines. are our lives really defined by explicit and implicit deadlines that were all consciously or unconsciously trying to meet? and if we dont meet our deadlines, does that make us a failure? or we just happen to be one of those who prefer not being dragged by the band wagon?
school projects, presentations, paper deadlines--most of us have all gone through it. but beyond these explicit deadlines, is there more?
by the age of 6 or 7, you should have finished kindergarten already. if by 11 and you havent started school yet, arent you a bit too old for learning nursery rhymes? at home, by the age of 21 or 22 you should have graduated from college already...23 is okay, 24 is okay, and 25 is still okay except that almost everyone else in your freshman batch is either working or married or bumming around but no longer in school.
if a guy asked for your number but hasnt called or texted you for a week...is that some sort of a deadline for you to finally classify him either as the guy who likes you or the guy who simply wants to stack your number on his phonebook for "just in case" cases, or for future reference? or if you told someone you like him or her but a month has passed already and there's still no mention about it, no "hi", "hello", no nothing--is that a deadline for you to let go of any little hope still left after a month of silence?
most friends I asked what age they would want to get married would tell me 29 to 32. i want to be married at age 31 to 32 too...not too young to miss all the joys of singlehood and not too old to be a grandma to you kids. BUT what if in 10 years, I still haven�� found my way to The One and he still haven�� found his way to me? or what if we do meet but haven�� recognize each other? What if theres no special one for me? WHAT IF I MISS MY DEADLINE? does that mean im a failure?
*SiGH*
if i miss my deadline, itll make me sad. Because I definitely want to be friends friends with my kids...but I cant quite do that if im 50 and my kids are around 10 or 7 right?
but whatever happens, I definitely wont cram just to meet this deadline.
caught a falling star @ 3:27 PM
1...comments
Saturday, May 21, 2005
The hardest thing i've ever done is keep believing theres someone in this crazy world for me...
"...the way that people come and go through temporary lives, my chance could come and i might never know...
... i know i need to be in love, i know i've wasted too much time. i know i ask perfection of a quite imperfect world. and fool enough to think that's what i'll find.
...so here i am with pockets full of good intentions but none of them will comfort me tonight. i'm wide awake at four a.m. without a friend in sight hanging on a hope but i'm alright."
but maybe what i really need to do is to just stop wanting to get something i cant have. maybe this isnt for me. all this love thingy...i am not cut out for this. and i have to get used to this or ill never get anything else done. i cant be all sad about this because ill never be able to finish my paper due on early july if i keep telling myself i need to rest bcause im systems down right now. this is something that ultimately needs getting used to because this is how its going to be forever. how many times do i have to tell myself that?
that quote is from carpenter's song "i need to be in love." that song is just soOo me right now.
"...the way that people come and go through temporary lives, my chance could come and i might never know...
... i know i need to be in love, i know i've wasted too much time. i know i ask perfection of a quite imperfect world. and fool enough to think that's what i'll find.
...so here i am with pockets full of good intentions but none of them will comfort me tonight. i'm wide awake at four a.m. without a friend in sight hanging on a hope but i'm alright."
but maybe what i really need to do is to just stop wanting to get something i cant have. maybe this isnt for me. all this love thingy...i am not cut out for this. and i have to get used to this or ill never get anything else done. i cant be all sad about this because ill never be able to finish my paper due on early july if i keep telling myself i need to rest bcause im systems down right now. this is something that ultimately needs getting used to because this is how its going to be forever. how many times do i have to tell myself that?
caught a falling star @ 9:58 AM
1...comments
____________
in Bekkan. me and kuya andrej were between them. and suddenly i was _____. blank. so he doesnt like me...but does he have to scream it in my face with a "yey"?! i am affected, but not jealous-affected, it was more like im-pissed-off-affected. where have subtlety and respect gone?
and t.c. went out with my friend on a dinner yesterday.
it only took two days, a "yey", and a date to clear my confusion. The One is oceans away from me now...or maybe galaxies away...but he is definitely not in Tokyo.
maybe t.c. was just a r.c. (rebound crush) after all. coz when my friend told me she's going out with him, i was all supportive of her. "its just a dinner plus if you two like each other, you shouldnt blame yourself...its not a sin liking someone," "please dont worry too much...i want you to have fun," and when she said she was nervous, i told her "youre pretty and nice...and any guy in their right mind can fall for you if they get to know you more..." those words coming from me? and i wasnt even hurt. i mean them all. i was just *SiGH*..i really have to go through a lot to meet The One, do i?
m.c. said "yey" when claire told him that there are new Korean students
and t.c. went out with my friend on a dinner yesterday.
it only took two days, a "yey", and a date to clear my confusion. The One is oceans away from me now...or maybe galaxies away...but he is definitely not in Tokyo.
maybe t.c. was just a r.c. (rebound crush) after all. coz when my friend told me she's going out with him, i was all supportive of her. "its just a dinner plus if you two like each other, you shouldnt blame yourself...its not a sin liking someone," "please dont worry too much...i want you to have fun," and when she said she was nervous, i told her "youre pretty and nice...and any guy in their right mind can fall for you if they get to know you more..." those words coming from me? and i wasnt even hurt. i mean them all. i was just *SiGH*..i really have to go through a lot to meet The One, do i?
caught a falling star @ 7:57 AM
1...comments
Thursday, May 19, 2005
nothing is ever easy once you turn twenty
sometimes i dont trust my thoughts anymore. but i have to do this. besides although my interpretation of things may be twisted and far from real, what we call "reality" is really just a "majority-wins" thing. even our history...they are "facts" and "reality" based on how our history book writers seen or heard it from majority of people. people who are supposed to know better because they were there and they experienced it. the point really is...i am scared of writing my thoughts again. if theres one person i know who has a twisted mind with twisted thoughts and twisted interpretation of things, its ME. and im scared that if i allow myself to have room for these interpretations, i might hurt again...
1. hurt again by...the truth about m.c.
we havent spoken a word to each other since forever. i dont know if i am too unlikable even as a friend that he cant say a single "hi" or "hello" to me. or maybe he's just reciprocating my silent treatment to him. but i have an excuse! it was embarassing enough that i went through all the trouble of collecting pictures of him from my friend's cam and making a video out of it, pouring all my feelings and telling him i guess i like him in the end..was i supposed to act all friendly after that? whats his excuse? i dont like you. period. and im not making an effort to talk to you. period. -->that? thats his excuse?
sometimes i was able to make myself believe im okay with it. after all, the plan was just to let him know. thats all. but why did i cry a lot the other day? it was probably not just about him. it was about everything. i dont even know why im making such a huge deal out of this. so im single since birth. that doesnt make me a handicap..that doesnt make me the most unlucky person in the world. that doesnt make me unlovable...it just means that none of the guys i really liked saw something worth loving in me. period.
2. hurt by this new t.c. thingy...
apparently...i have this habit of giving my crushes initials: ex-u.c.c. (ultimate college crush), ex-m.c. (minor-turned-a-bit-major crush), and the now-but-soon-will-be-ex t.c. (tiny crush).
the thing is everything was doing fine...no hopes, i dont even care if i see him again until one wednesday night while we were crossing the street, this t.c. asked for my number. he didnt even wait until we finally reach the sidewalk before he ask if i brought my phone with me. and yes, its no huge deal except that i have just recently been in a heartbreak and you dont know what goes through the mind of a broken kat just to keep her from feeling bad about herself after m.c...
*sigh* it really felt nice because after centuries, a guy i like finally asked for my number. and whats nicer is that i wasnt expecting it...i mean were not really friends..he's just a friend of a friend. and Mi said he was watching me..i dont really believe it but it was nice hearing it. On msn we were talking and out of nowhere he just said.."you seem honest.nice...and you haven't lost your shyness....that's rare but really nice...most of japanese girls have lost their shyness..."If someone stops to think about what kind of a person you are, does that mean that for that person you are worth a minute to think about? Or does that simply mean he's just the kind who says whats on his mind and that he apparently thinks about a lot of things and one of which is people's personality? And on another msn conversation he said i look like a princess and when i told him he's only kidding me, he said he was pretty serious. And on my mind im like, oh please stop saying nice things to me im fragile right now.
the least thing i ever needed now is something to confuse my already confused mind. i mean he asked for my number but rarely texts me...he'd say nice things to me on msn but sometimes signs online without even saying hello. and that's not only it. my dear friend told me she thinks she may be falling for him too. and now i feel guilty liking him. i dont even know if he's really t.c. and not r.c. (rebound crush)...with t.c. i dont get nervous seeing his screen name appear online, i dont do those silly things i do when i like someone. And this makes me more guilty talking to him because if my friend likes him more than i do, then i should stop talking to him so there'd be no more nice things that might come from him and that might make me like him more. aaargh. i dont know where my thoughts are going right now. if ony guys were easier to figure out. if only actions and words could be interpreted in one and only way. if only he didnt ask for my number. if only The One were here...then i wouldnt be confused by all the wrong guys.
i knew it. i should have stood to my promise to myself before, that ill only like filipinos.
sometimes i get this just-keep-your-thoughts-to-your-self disease. and i hate it. i hate it when i cant even write my thoughts to my own journal. i hate it when i have to choose what to write and what not to write for fear that if i sit down and let my thoughts flow through my fingers into the keyboard and into my journ, i would only end up dwelling on thoughts that i shouldnt be dwelling on or give meaning to things that in reality are void of meaning...or hurt some people i care about with my silly thoughts.
sometimes i dont trust my thoughts anymore. but i have to do this. besides although my interpretation of things may be twisted and far from real, what we call "reality" is really just a "majority-wins" thing. even our history...they are "facts" and "reality" based on how our history book writers seen or heard it from majority of people. people who are supposed to know better because they were there and they experienced it. the point really is...i am scared of writing my thoughts again. if theres one person i know who has a twisted mind with twisted thoughts and twisted interpretation of things, its ME. and im scared that if i allow myself to have room for these interpretations, i might hurt again...
1. hurt again by...the truth about m.c.
we havent spoken a word to each other since forever. i dont know if i am too unlikable even as a friend that he cant say a single "hi" or "hello" to me. or maybe he's just reciprocating my silent treatment to him. but i have an excuse! it was embarassing enough that i went through all the trouble of collecting pictures of him from my friend's cam and making a video out of it, pouring all my feelings and telling him i guess i like him in the end..was i supposed to act all friendly after that? whats his excuse? i dont like you. period. and im not making an effort to talk to you. period. -->that? thats his excuse?
sometimes i was able to make myself believe im okay with it. after all, the plan was just to let him know. thats all. but why did i cry a lot the other day? it was probably not just about him. it was about everything. i dont even know why im making such a huge deal out of this. so im single since birth. that doesnt make me a handicap..that doesnt make me the most unlucky person in the world. that doesnt make me unlovable...it just means that none of the guys i really liked saw something worth loving in me. period.
2. hurt by this new t.c. thingy...
apparently...i have this habit of giving my crushes initials: ex-u.c.c. (ultimate college crush), ex-m.c. (minor-turned-a-bit-major crush), and the now-but-soon-will-be-ex t.c. (tiny crush).
the thing is everything was doing fine...no hopes, i dont even care if i see him again until one wednesday night while we were crossing the street, this t.c. asked for my number. he didnt even wait until we finally reach the sidewalk before he ask if i brought my phone with me. and yes, its no huge deal except that i have just recently been in a heartbreak and you dont know what goes through the mind of a broken kat just to keep her from feeling bad about herself after m.c...
*sigh* it really felt nice because after centuries, a guy i like finally asked for my number. and whats nicer is that i wasnt expecting it...i mean were not really friends..he's just a friend of a friend. and Mi said he was watching me..i dont really believe it but it was nice hearing it. On msn we were talking and out of nowhere he just said.."you seem honest.nice...and you haven't lost your shyness....that's rare but really nice...most of japanese girls have lost their shyness..."If someone stops to think about what kind of a person you are, does that mean that for that person you are worth a minute to think about? Or does that simply mean he's just the kind who says whats on his mind and that he apparently thinks about a lot of things and one of which is people's personality? And on another msn conversation he said i look like a princess and when i told him he's only kidding me, he said he was pretty serious. And on my mind im like, oh please stop saying nice things to me im fragile right now.
the least thing i ever needed now is something to confuse my already confused mind. i mean he asked for my number but rarely texts me...he'd say nice things to me on msn but sometimes signs online without even saying hello. and that's not only it. my dear friend told me she thinks she may be falling for him too. and now i feel guilty liking him. i dont even know if he's really t.c. and not r.c. (rebound crush)...with t.c. i dont get nervous seeing his screen name appear online, i dont do those silly things i do when i like someone. And this makes me more guilty talking to him because if my friend likes him more than i do, then i should stop talking to him so there'd be no more nice things that might come from him and that might make me like him more. aaargh. i dont know where my thoughts are going right now. if ony guys were easier to figure out. if only actions and words could be interpreted in one and only way. if only he didnt ask for my number. if only The One were here...then i wouldnt be confused by all the wrong guys.
i knew it. i should have stood to my promise to myself before, that ill only like filipinos.
caught a falling star @ 9:42 AM
2...comments
Monday, May 16, 2005
if astronomy, astrology, and new age stuff were true AND if only he likes me...
i am so over him now. i only have to see him again to prove to myself that i wont get nervous and giddy with him around anymore. i am so officially over him...
but anyway..here it was..
Romantic Compatibility by Astrology.com
Scorpio & Libra
When Libra and Scorpio come together in a love affair, they tend to make a very emotionally connected and mutually satisfying union. Though Scorpio is a brooder who can get lost in the confusing welter of their own emotions, Libra's proclivity for balance and harmony helps keep Scorpio even. Scorpio can return the favor to Libra with their characteristic powers of focus, a trait that Libra usually lacks. These two are very compatible due to their similar needs in a love relationship: Libra is the Sign of Partnership, and Libra is happiest when in a well-balanced and intimate relationship, while Scorpio thrives on emotional and sexual intimacy with their mate. These two Signs can make a very loyal, close and satisfying partnership.
These two would do well to undertake some sort of project together aside from their love relationship, as they have great potential to get great things done. They combine the power of emotion with the power of intellect, an extremely formidable duo. Scorpio tends to be more patient, but is also more controlling than Libra. Despite any differences, both partners love risk and taking chances; this is not a boring relationship! These two are real charmers; they know how to woo and seduce one another and take great pleasure in doing so. Their different styles -- Scorpio is intense and secretive while Libra is upfront and open -- sometimes make them have trouble understanding one another, so they may need to pay close attention to their communication at times.
Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Scorpio is dually ruled by the Planets Mars (Passion) and Pluto (Power). Libra's love of beauty and romance balances the strife that can arise in Scorpio's life due to their deep, often tangled emotions. Scorpio's Mars influence at least promises an active, exciting relationship. Also, neither Sign wants to argue. Scorpio avoids arguments in favor of secret revenge; Libra abhors conflict and will do anything possible to avoid it, including backing down and seeking a truce.
Libra is an Air Sign and Scorpio is a Water Sign. The best decisions are made combining the intellect and the emotions -- using both the head and the heart, this couple can meet almost any challenge, understand almost any puzzle. This is all contingent, of course, on the two Signs working together, not against one another. Scorpio is a master strategist and can help Libra focus their occasionally scattered or indecisive minds. At times, however, Scorpio's over-emotionalism can drag down and dishearten Libra, and Libra can occasionally make Scorpio feel flustered and uncomfortably stirred up. It is at these times when Libra's natural diplomacy comes in most handy.
Libra is a Cardinal Sign and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Libra is always thinking of something new to try: a new restaurant or art gallery to visit on a date or a new place to travel to -- but it's Scorpio who has the determination to follow through on these ideas. These two have the capability to be the most loyal and devoted of partners, as these are qualities that are quite important to each of them.
What's the best aspect of the Libra-Scorpio relationship? The power they find in unity. They can accomplish a lot, whether they come together for a cause in the business or romantic sphere. They are both winners and they won't give up, making theirs a relationship that takes care of business.
we'd have been soOo cool a couple. that is, according to the stars in the sky. ^^ i swear this will be the last ex-m.c. journ entry...its just i came across this site and it was interesting, i thought id post it. it will remind me to never ever beleive in horoscopes...that my life is just too complicated for the stars to know better.
i am so over him now. i only have to see him again to prove to myself that i wont get nervous and giddy with him around anymore. i am so officially over him...
but anyway..here it was..
Romantic Compatibility by Astrology.com
Scorpio & Libra
When Libra and Scorpio come together in a love affair, they tend to make a very emotionally connected and mutually satisfying union. Though Scorpio is a brooder who can get lost in the confusing welter of their own emotions, Libra's proclivity for balance and harmony helps keep Scorpio even. Scorpio can return the favor to Libra with their characteristic powers of focus, a trait that Libra usually lacks. These two are very compatible due to their similar needs in a love relationship: Libra is the Sign of Partnership, and Libra is happiest when in a well-balanced and intimate relationship, while Scorpio thrives on emotional and sexual intimacy with their mate. These two Signs can make a very loyal, close and satisfying partnership.
These two would do well to undertake some sort of project together aside from their love relationship, as they have great potential to get great things done. They combine the power of emotion with the power of intellect, an extremely formidable duo. Scorpio tends to be more patient, but is also more controlling than Libra. Despite any differences, both partners love risk and taking chances; this is not a boring relationship! These two are real charmers; they know how to woo and seduce one another and take great pleasure in doing so. Their different styles -- Scorpio is intense and secretive while Libra is upfront and open -- sometimes make them have trouble understanding one another, so they may need to pay close attention to their communication at times.
Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus (Love) and Scorpio is dually ruled by the Planets Mars (Passion) and Pluto (Power). Libra's love of beauty and romance balances the strife that can arise in Scorpio's life due to their deep, often tangled emotions. Scorpio's Mars influence at least promises an active, exciting relationship. Also, neither Sign wants to argue. Scorpio avoids arguments in favor of secret revenge; Libra abhors conflict and will do anything possible to avoid it, including backing down and seeking a truce.
Libra is an Air Sign and Scorpio is a Water Sign. The best decisions are made combining the intellect and the emotions -- using both the head and the heart, this couple can meet almost any challenge, understand almost any puzzle. This is all contingent, of course, on the two Signs working together, not against one another. Scorpio is a master strategist and can help Libra focus their occasionally scattered or indecisive minds. At times, however, Scorpio's over-emotionalism can drag down and dishearten Libra, and Libra can occasionally make Scorpio feel flustered and uncomfortably stirred up. It is at these times when Libra's natural diplomacy comes in most handy.
Libra is a Cardinal Sign and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Libra is always thinking of something new to try: a new restaurant or art gallery to visit on a date or a new place to travel to -- but it's Scorpio who has the determination to follow through on these ideas. These two have the capability to be the most loyal and devoted of partners, as these are qualities that are quite important to each of them.
What's the best aspect of the Libra-Scorpio relationship? The power they find in unity. They can accomplish a lot, whether they come together for a cause in the business or romantic sphere. They are both winners and they won't give up, making theirs a relationship that takes care of business.
caught a falling star @ 2:46 AM
1...comments
Monday, May 09, 2005
a dreamer and a walk to remember
i am not a good Christian...but i want to be a good one.
in my university at home, we have a serene chapel and most days i would go there in between or after my classes...and just talk to God. id tell Him my dreams, my fears, what happened to my day, or my class...id tell him about my recent crush..id tell him anything that comes to mind. and i would go home feeling safe and calm.
i cant explain why i had such faith in God. i am a member of youth for Christ at home and i love it when we have huge gatherings and sing praises to Him or listen to some individuals share how their lives were changed or how they view life. its both enlightening and inspiring. but in our community's gatherings..when its just us..me and my parent's friends' kids and other youth in our community, i am often missing in action. i dont want to attend. i dont want to have to speak in the middle and share my relationship with God. because its personal..its supposed to be just between Him and me. i dont know how to put it in words....and im scared that if i say the wrong thing i might affect other people's view of God in the way i wouldnt have wanted to.
i still have faith in Him. but recently i feel soo far away from Him. i rarely pray anymore...and when i do, i dont feel His presence. i feel lost. i know He listens...i just couldnt feel it. i would ask him what happend to us...what happened to me. no answer. but i know that God is real no matter how i feel.
maybe at one point, my life was moving almost perfectly well...that i had no worries or fears to share with Him...and that was when i stopped talking. i say thank you in short prayers, but it wasnt enough. and when things started going haywire again...i know i wanted to talk to Him again but i already forgot how i used to pray. nakakahiya kase ngayon lang ako babalik. i really miss talking to him in prayer.
so tonight i tried talking to Him the way i used to.
i told him how im a big dreamer. i would orchestrate almost perfect scenes in my head. even when they never really happen, i never stop day dreaming. i would reorganize the scene again. then it doesnt come true. Again. id revise another scene. But Nothing. and the cycle went on. and i got tired so tonight i asked Him how come He never makes my fantasies come true...even when He knows it'll make me cry not having them.
and it struck me. if my life were like that, if all my day dreams happen right when i wish they would...how dull my life could have been. if all my expectations come true...if all my predictions were right...i wouldNT truly be happy as i thought id be because then there'd be no surprises. my life follows a pattern i conceived myself and it would be boring..and really meaningless.
so next time a daydream doesnt happen...i wont be upset anymore. if i could conceive a perfect scene for my life...how more perfect is God's plan for me. ^^
i wish God finds me soon. i dont wanna be lost forever.
like most sunday nights, at past eleven i was walking home again. tonight i talked to God while walking.
i am not a good Christian...but i want to be a good one.
in my university at home, we have a serene chapel and most days i would go there in between or after my classes...and just talk to God. id tell Him my dreams, my fears, what happened to my day, or my class...id tell him about my recent crush..id tell him anything that comes to mind. and i would go home feeling safe and calm.
i cant explain why i had such faith in God. i am a member of youth for Christ at home and i love it when we have huge gatherings and sing praises to Him or listen to some individuals share how their lives were changed or how they view life. its both enlightening and inspiring. but in our community's gatherings..when its just us..me and my parent's friends' kids and other youth in our community, i am often missing in action. i dont want to attend. i dont want to have to speak in the middle and share my relationship with God. because its personal..its supposed to be just between Him and me. i dont know how to put it in words....and im scared that if i say the wrong thing i might affect other people's view of God in the way i wouldnt have wanted to.
i still have faith in Him. but recently i feel soo far away from Him. i rarely pray anymore...and when i do, i dont feel His presence. i feel lost. i know He listens...i just couldnt feel it. i would ask him what happend to us...what happened to me. no answer. but i know that God is real no matter how i feel.
maybe at one point, my life was moving almost perfectly well...that i had no worries or fears to share with Him...and that was when i stopped talking. i say thank you in short prayers, but it wasnt enough. and when things started going haywire again...i know i wanted to talk to Him again but i already forgot how i used to pray. nakakahiya kase ngayon lang ako babalik. i really miss talking to him in prayer.
so tonight i tried talking to Him the way i used to.
i told him how im a big dreamer. i would orchestrate almost perfect scenes in my head. even when they never really happen, i never stop day dreaming. i would reorganize the scene again. then it doesnt come true. Again. id revise another scene. But Nothing. and the cycle went on. and i got tired so tonight i asked Him how come He never makes my fantasies come true...even when He knows it'll make me cry not having them.
and it struck me. if my life were like that, if all my day dreams happen right when i wish they would...how dull my life could have been. if all my expectations come true...if all my predictions were right...i wouldNT truly be happy as i thought id be because then there'd be no surprises. my life follows a pattern i conceived myself and it would be boring..and really meaningless.
so next time a daydream doesnt happen...i wont be upset anymore. if i could conceive a perfect scene for my life...how more perfect is God's plan for me. ^^
i wish God finds me soon. i dont wanna be lost forever.
caught a falling star @ 1:10 AM
3...comments
Thursday, May 05, 2005
risks, acceptance, forgiveness, and fairy tales
Risks. ive read that we only grow by taking risks, and the most difficult risk of all is to be honest with ourselves and with others. i think so too. i think what makes older people wiser is that they've gone through many risks already. going beyond our comfort zones to an unfamiliar ground is scary...but we learn to be brave by taking that risk. and its ironic because by going out of our comfort zones, we are actually widening it. the once unfamiliar zone becomes familiar and we realize that fear is really just a passing state. hmm..but the risk of being honest with ourselves? i have to figure that one out...
Acceptance. its difficult to move on...because acceptance is hard to swallow. when unpleasant things happen...things that turned out differently from how i wish they would, i know there's absolutely nothing i could do to change it and yet i still dwell on it. i live in the past and unconsciously blame myself for something i totally have no control of. Like when m.c. only said thanks to my "little project"...i got myself hurt because i kept telling myself, he doesnt like you because youre not interesting or pretty enough. Or when ***p* left me confused and bruised after leading me on, treating me differently from any other girls in class (his words)....he said that "there were things clouding his mind"...and i blamed myself again for not being enough to clear his clouded mind. If i had only accepted what happened then and there...there would be no blaming and i wouldnt treat myself like a loser. what happens is i dwell on it too much that i end up thinking i lost something that i never really had in the first place. i mean, okay so ive had after class walks with ***p* and i felt special because he'd ask to carry my books for me sometimes and some small sweet things he'd do. but i was hurt too much because i imagined a future with him...i imagined more walks and more talks, but when it ended...when there were no more walks and talks, i cried not for the past but for the future i thought we will have. if i had accepted that that was all there is to it, then i wouldnt have cried as much.
Forgiveness. i am not perfect...and no one is. and i may do foolish things sometimes. i made mistakes and will continue making them...and i realize i should forgive myself for that. and forgiving means letting go of all the blame i place to myself. like when i gained weight...when i look at my used-to-just-fit-me-but-now-i-cant-zip pants id feel bad and point the finger to myself again. so im not like other people who lose their appetite when theyre depressed...so i comfort myself by eating sweets...so what?! that's no sin. the important thing is that i learn from my mistakes.
I dont live in fairy tales. i can be very idealistic most of the time, and okashi had to nudge me to realize that. its amazing how our friends can know us better than we know ourselves, sometimes. the thing with me according to miryll is that i care too much about love...but i hardly show i do. most of the time, i appear like i dont give a damn about it...that i dont want to be approached..that im not interested in love or any guy. and miryll's right. i just wait in vain and expect the guy to do all the work...i expect too much from the guy...but hardly do anything to show i care, in fact i even pretend i dont care..whats up with that?! i dont know why i do that...im no cinderella, and im not snow white, neither am i sleeping beauty. i cant just lie and sleep there until my prince finally find me, and kiss me...and voila(!)--we live happily ever after. in real life, it doesnt work that way. i always expect The One to find his way to me...but that's soOo wrong...it should be both of us, finding the way that leads to each other.
i learned a lot of things today.
Risks. ive read that we only grow by taking risks, and the most difficult risk of all is to be honest with ourselves and with others. i think so too. i think what makes older people wiser is that they've gone through many risks already. going beyond our comfort zones to an unfamiliar ground is scary...but we learn to be brave by taking that risk. and its ironic because by going out of our comfort zones, we are actually widening it. the once unfamiliar zone becomes familiar and we realize that fear is really just a passing state. hmm..but the risk of being honest with ourselves? i have to figure that one out...
Acceptance. its difficult to move on...because acceptance is hard to swallow. when unpleasant things happen...things that turned out differently from how i wish they would, i know there's absolutely nothing i could do to change it and yet i still dwell on it. i live in the past and unconsciously blame myself for something i totally have no control of. Like when m.c. only said thanks to my "little project"...i got myself hurt because i kept telling myself, he doesnt like you because youre not interesting or pretty enough. Or when ***p* left me confused and bruised after leading me on, treating me differently from any other girls in class (his words)....he said that "there were things clouding his mind"...and i blamed myself again for not being enough to clear his clouded mind. If i had only accepted what happened then and there...there would be no blaming and i wouldnt treat myself like a loser. what happens is i dwell on it too much that i end up thinking i lost something that i never really had in the first place. i mean, okay so ive had after class walks with ***p* and i felt special because he'd ask to carry my books for me sometimes and some small sweet things he'd do. but i was hurt too much because i imagined a future with him...i imagined more walks and more talks, but when it ended...when there were no more walks and talks, i cried not for the past but for the future i thought we will have. if i had accepted that that was all there is to it, then i wouldnt have cried as much.
Forgiveness. i am not perfect...and no one is. and i may do foolish things sometimes. i made mistakes and will continue making them...and i realize i should forgive myself for that. and forgiving means letting go of all the blame i place to myself. like when i gained weight...when i look at my used-to-just-fit-me-but-now-i-cant-zip pants id feel bad and point the finger to myself again. so im not like other people who lose their appetite when theyre depressed...so i comfort myself by eating sweets...so what?! that's no sin. the important thing is that i learn from my mistakes.
I dont live in fairy tales. i can be very idealistic most of the time, and okashi had to nudge me to realize that. its amazing how our friends can know us better than we know ourselves, sometimes. the thing with me according to miryll is that i care too much about love...but i hardly show i do. most of the time, i appear like i dont give a damn about it...that i dont want to be approached..that im not interested in love or any guy. and miryll's right. i just wait in vain and expect the guy to do all the work...i expect too much from the guy...but hardly do anything to show i care, in fact i even pretend i dont care..whats up with that?! i dont know why i do that...im no cinderella, and im not snow white, neither am i sleeping beauty. i cant just lie and sleep there until my prince finally find me, and kiss me...and voila(!)--we live happily ever after. in real life, it doesnt work that way. i always expect The One to find his way to me...but that's soOo wrong...it should be both of us, finding the way that leads to each other.
(thank you miryll okashi ^^)
caught a falling star @ 10:08 PM
3...comments
some random things on my mind again
-------------------------------------
i realized i dont want to own an aquarium. fishes are amazing but i dont think they deserve to be locked in that glass where there's hardly any place to swim. my heart aches for them. i know that if i were a fish, i defintely want to be in the sea--where i really belong. imagine if i were inside an aquarium, and my soulmate fish is swimming in the huge ocean trying to find its way to me? that's terrible. then id have to settle with the other fishes inside the glass with me...because i dont really have a choice, do i? what a horrible way to live my life.
-------------------------------------
i love kids. i soOo love kids. i want to volunteer in an organization that takes care of kids who have no one to take care of them. when i go back to the Philippines, i will make better use of my time. oh my gawd i really love kids!
-------------------------------------
fate has a funny way of playing tricks on me. right when i dont want to dwell on ex-m.c. thoughts anymore, then comes his name appearing everywhere. i was reading The Da Vinci Code and he was there as Teabing's employee. i was wtaching Friends on pei's room and he was there as monica's ex. I was watching Wowiewee on Cable and he was also there. and i was reading my econ book and "m.c." was there on the graph (marginal cost). coincidence huh?
-------------------------------------
seen another love story. at the back of my mind, im thinking...*sigh* its beautidul BUT in my life? there will never be a lovestory like this. Im really tired. im tired of going through the same pattern all over again. im tired of giving too much of my heart and getting nothing back. i know that i never should expect anything in return...but im only human and i need to be loved.
-------------------------------------
im scared. im scared that no matter how i guard my heart, i will be hurt by the same process again. i dont even want to use the word "fall" again. im scared i really lost "some" of my faith in love. and i dont want to lose it because i need all the faith i could get...and because its only a faint memory but i know how good it felt to like deeply with all hopes and faith...but now..paano na? wala nako nun.
recently i could stay up all night and not feel sleepy at all...i usually get some sleep in the morning but sometimes even being awake all night, im still up and unsleepy all day after that. they say that insomnia may have been caused by not having a bedroom conducive to sleep, by caffeine, obscure allergies, depression, pain, fears, worries..or any emotional problem that's not being dealt with. my bed is certainly conducive to sleeping, and ive been avoiding caffeine intake recently, neither do i have allergies...so am i depressed? in pain? scared? worried? emotionally disturbed?
-------------------------------------
i realized i dont want to own an aquarium. fishes are amazing but i dont think they deserve to be locked in that glass where there's hardly any place to swim. my heart aches for them. i know that if i were a fish, i defintely want to be in the sea--where i really belong. imagine if i were inside an aquarium, and my soulmate fish is swimming in the huge ocean trying to find its way to me? that's terrible. then id have to settle with the other fishes inside the glass with me...because i dont really have a choice, do i? what a horrible way to live my life.
-------------------------------------
i love kids. i soOo love kids. i want to volunteer in an organization that takes care of kids who have no one to take care of them. when i go back to the Philippines, i will make better use of my time. oh my gawd i really love kids!
-------------------------------------
fate has a funny way of playing tricks on me. right when i dont want to dwell on ex-m.c. thoughts anymore, then comes his name appearing everywhere. i was reading The Da Vinci Code and he was there as Teabing's employee. i was wtaching Friends on pei's room and he was there as monica's ex. I was watching Wowiewee on Cable and he was also there. and i was reading my econ book and "m.c." was there on the graph (marginal cost). coincidence huh?
-------------------------------------
seen another love story. at the back of my mind, im thinking...*sigh* its beautidul BUT in my life? there will never be a lovestory like this. Im really tired. im tired of going through the same pattern all over again. im tired of giving too much of my heart and getting nothing back. i know that i never should expect anything in return...but im only human and i need to be loved.
-------------------------------------
im scared. im scared that no matter how i guard my heart, i will be hurt by the same process again. i dont even want to use the word "fall" again. im scared i really lost "some" of my faith in love. and i dont want to lose it because i need all the faith i could get...and because its only a faint memory but i know how good it felt to like deeply with all hopes and faith...but now..paano na? wala nako nun.
caught a falling star @ 6:58 PM
2...comments
Sunday, May 01, 2005
i stopped
do i just stop?
when i decided its time to give up any m.c. hopes (if there ever was), my life seemed to have stopped a bit too . i mean it does go on...and i feel there's soOo much to write about and yet whenever i start writing what i feel or any thoughts i have...in the middle of it, i just stop, click "save as draft" but never continue with it again.
you know what i think about right before stopping? i think about him.
maybe its a habit i cant quite quit. ive been so used to including him whenever i write, but now that its gone...there's nothing to say bout him anymore...so when i write and he appears in my thoughts...id dismiss it..but with it goes my zeal in writing. i suddenly forget what it was that i was supposed to write about..and then id lose the strength to continue.
i want something to look forward to...something to build my hopes for.
i guess i know what this is im going through...im having a difficult time getting over him..that though i know there's really nothing there to think about anymore...he still somehow finds his way to my thoughts.
is this how im going to be every after heart ache?
do i just stop?
when i decided its time to give up any m.c. hopes (if there ever was), my life seemed to have stopped a bit too . i mean it does go on...and i feel there's soOo much to write about and yet whenever i start writing what i feel or any thoughts i have...in the middle of it, i just stop, click "save as draft" but never continue with it again.
you know what i think about right before stopping? i think about him.
maybe its a habit i cant quite quit. ive been so used to including him whenever i write, but now that its gone...there's nothing to say bout him anymore...so when i write and he appears in my thoughts...id dismiss it..but with it goes my zeal in writing. i suddenly forget what it was that i was supposed to write about..and then id lose the strength to continue.
i want something to look forward to...something to build my hopes for.
i guess i know what this is im going through...im having a difficult time getting over him..that though i know there's really nothing there to think about anymore...he still somehow finds his way to my thoughts.
caught a falling star @ 3:35 AM
2...comments
