a long time ago my sister showed me this article in Candy Mag (July 2003 issue, Katie's Diary) because she felt like i can totally relate...she even said that when she read it, she felt like she was reading me...and being the crybaby that i am...you know what happened when i read it. while reading, it felt like i was reading my exact thoughts except i have a different AJ...AJs.
i was searching for that article on candy's website but i couldnt find it so i thought ill just write it here...here it goes...
its surprising how this one little thing that happened in school today could bring out so many mixed emotions in me. i guess you could say i might be in trouble. and it starts and ends with AJ.
i remember waking up in an awfully good mood this morning, which was so unlike me because im not a morning person. i sang "baby, one more time" in the shower, remembering that yesterday, AJ patted me on the back after my Christian Living report and said, "good job!" i was humming as i got dressed, choosing to slather on my delicious smelling lotion (saved for special occasions) instead of my regular bland formula for extra dry skin. i was thisclose to blow-drying my hair, then reconsidered. that's probably too much trouble for someone who's not my boyfriend--yet!
so i was pretty confident i was looking my best today. i even put my hair down instead of up in my usual ponytail. he came late--so i had to scrap the morning chit chat scenario playing in my head that started with him saying, "i really cant get over how well you discussed the third sacrament yesterday." and then it happened. not 10 minutes into class, i saw him passing notes with Lianne, and the exchange continued four or five times more. i dont know who started it (does it even matter?), but i can tell you this much--i felt a strange pang, which i cant quite put a finger on. i think it might've actually hurt.
of course i know he's not my boyfriend. and were not together. and he might not even like me. and he can do whatever he wants. but thats not the point. the point is, when youre in like, you set yourself up for things like this only to get stumped when things dont play out the way you imagined it would. you decide to write about him in your diary, a very clear indication that hes not someone you see yourself getting tired of easily, only to write three or four pages later about how youve embarrassed yourself today. when youre "in like," its as if youre on a roller coaster--some days up, some days youre down, some days youre in a loop with nowhere to go.
and thats not even scratching the surface. on very unfortnate days when you find yourself strangely jealous of whoever it is he's decided to talk to instead of you, your ego takes a self-beating. you pit yourself against She-Who-Was-Lucky and though youre the judge, you almost always come out the loser. never mind that youre up against Lianne, Queen of Mean, who gets her kicks out of talking down to people. you figure inner beauty must not really amount to much. all that matters really is that she's taller than you are, her body's better developed, her skin's creamier, her hair's shinier, and her eyes are prettier. what does it matter that youre more intelligent? how smart do you need to be to converse through note-passing anyway?
what's worse is its nobody's fault but yours. you didnt have to wake up that morning and tell yourself this was going to be the day he'd profess his undying affection, or at least clue you in on the fact that he likes you. no one told you to get your hopes up. there were no signs that today would be the day. but no, you had to cook up that crazy idea in your head and pass it off as possible. that's really sad. what's sadder is youve written six paragraphs about something that might not have happened the way your thinking it did. for all you know, Lianne was just asking AJ about how five words ought to be spelled.
but then again, what this is really about, is not so much the fact that they were passing notes today, but the fact that when youre in like, youre not 100 percent in control of things anymore. there's this wild card youre depending on to be the icing on your cake everyday. when you crush on someone, you invite uncertainty into your life. sometimes its fun but often its scary. when youre in like, you put yourself in a position where you can find yourslef helpless. the only thing you can do is decide whether this boy is worth the ride or not. or else, realize that youre probably just bent out of shape because its that time of the month.
I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! bulk send email studio fitness huhn Fire alarm faults house pod moving services http www.selfstoragedeals.com Rotissery baseball Job description of management analyst children's fitness ball
By Anonymous, at 7:29 AM
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
How to make a Falling Star |
Ingredients: 1/2 cup of naivety 3/4 cup of laughter 1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity |
Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!* |
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...
in the movie "in the mood for love," if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole...then they cover it with mud, leaving the secret there forever...
this is my hole...