last night...and probably spared myself a lifetime of wondering what could have been. am i okay? was i scared? was it worth it? do i have regrets? how's my heart now? what do i really feel?
i was scared. i was scared i might be making a mistake. and i was really nervous...i could hear my heart beating. and it was beating loud and fast. i havent bunjeejump yet but i think it must have felt that way...maybe more scary. i know i was going to let my self fall but im not sure if its totally safe down there, when i finally decide to jump, i know a lot of things could go wrong..the rope could break...the length of the rope im fastened at maybe miscalculated (might be longer than it should). i was afraid coz i know there's a big possibility it could break my heart.
but when he finally saw the video, and we finally talked about it. it wasn't that scary after all. he said thank you to me for letting him know. but i cried in the morning though...i dont know, i guess...like what miryll said, im also jealous of him. coz someone liked him. and im really jealous coz i know how much he's liked. and i know no one has ever liked me that way. *stop crying please*
i guess one reason why i was hesistant at telling him is that i grew up seeing my sister. she would have suitors giving her flowers, chocolates, writing a poem for her, driving from a really long distance just to surprise and see her..there was even one guy who asked his parents to go to our home all the way from baguio (where he lives, 6-7 hours drive from home) just to talk to our parents coz my sister and him had a fight and ate just wont talk to him. they all went through a great deal of trouble for my sister and ii thought that was how things work out...then i grew up and realized, my sister's just different..but i still thought that was possible for me...and it pains me knowing its not.
you see she's had five boyfriends...and i dont know how many suitors. so i guess i cant be blamed if i entertain the idea than there should atleast be something wonderful for me too...without me having to utter The Word first.
but i guess we cant have everything. because im very much loved by my friends and my family. like before i sent the "little project" to him, wenwen was tired from work but she went to my room to see the video and told me its okay..that if anything he'd definitely wont feel bad about knowing..(but she's mean [in a sweet way]...in her effort to comfort me and assure me its okay, she told me all the girls had a relationship already...that im the only one who's had none, and im 21 years old already, what have i been doing those years? eating ichigo[strawberry]?! she said i was eating while they were having a relationship!! mean girl ^.^). and claire..she said im fabulous *i think shes exaggerating*, that he'd be so flattered and told me she's really proud of me...she's like my "rahrah" girl (you know cheerleaders they say "rahrah" or something like that)..she even asked if i would like her to stay in my room for moral support and sent me a love and a hug through msn . i wanted to be alone, but when it was all over she went to my room to hug me and well, to make fun of m.c.'s replies. ^.^ and well, miryll...she doesnt tell me to go send it a.s.a.p. but she helps me make sense of what i think first ^.^ and she warned me about today's class (that i might see him there..and if im ready for that.^.^), she told me "kimi wa daijoubu...kitto wa daijoubu"...and she invited me to play a game on msn to distract me while i was sending it (only the game wont load.-.-). and we both didnt sleep all night exchanging movies (well she didnt sleep, and i tried not to sleep) and ahd breakfast together. i dont know...i just feel very much loved..them being there for me made things easier to go through.
was it worth it? i dont know but i definitely dont have regrets. last night was the longest msn conversation i had with him. atleast i got to talk to him. and that's what i want right? be friends with him?
this "little project" made me cry this morning but not all tears meant pain right? i dont know what's gonna happen next, and i really dont want to think about it. i want to be through with hypothesis making. sore wa iyada.
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
How to make a Falling Star |
Ingredients: 1/2 cup of naivety 3/4 cup of laughter 1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity |
Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!* |
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...
in the movie "in the mood for love," if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole...then they cover it with mud, leaving the secret there forever...
this is my hole...