sometimes i get this just-keep-your-thoughts-to-your-self disease. and i hate it. i hate it when i cant even write my thoughts to my own journal. i hate it when i have to choose what to write and what not to write for fear that if i sit down and let my thoughts flow through my fingers into the keyboard and into my journ, i would only end up dwelling on thoughts that i shouldnt be dwelling on or give meaning to things that in reality are void of meaning...or hurt some people i care about with my silly thoughts.
sometimes i dont trust my thoughts anymore. but i have to do this. besides although my interpretation of things may be twisted and far from real, what we call "reality" is really just a "majority-wins" thing. even our history...they are "facts" and "reality" based on how our history book writers seen or heard it from majority of people. people who are supposed to know better because they were there and they experienced it. the point really is...i am scared of writing my thoughts again. if theres one person i know who has a twisted mind with twisted thoughts and twisted interpretation of things, its ME. and im scared that if i allow myself to have room for these interpretations, i might hurt again...
1. hurt again by...the truth about m.c.
we havent spoken a word to each other since forever. i dont know if i am too unlikable even as a friend that he cant say a single "hi" or "hello" to me. or maybe he's just reciprocating my silent treatment to him. but i have an excuse! it was embarassing enough that i went through all the trouble of collecting pictures of him from my friend's cam and making a video out of it, pouring all my feelings and telling him i guess i like him in the end..was i supposed to act all friendly after that? whats his excuse? i dont like you. period. and im not making an effort to talk to you. period. -->that? thats his excuse?
sometimes i was able to make myself believe im okay with it. after all, the plan was just to let him know. thats all. but why did i cry a lot the other day? it was probably not just about him. it was about everything. i dont even know why im making such a huge deal out of this. so im single since birth. that doesnt make me a handicap..that doesnt make me the most unlucky person in the world. that doesnt make me unlovable...it just means that none of the guys i really liked saw something worth loving in me. period.
2. hurt by this new t.c. thingy...
apparently...i have this habit of giving my crushes initials: ex-u.c.c. (ultimate college crush), ex-m.c. (minor-turned-a-bit-major crush), and the now-but-soon-will-be-ex t.c. (tiny crush).
the thing is everything was doing fine...no hopes, i dont even care if i see him again until one wednesday night while we were crossing the street, this t.c. asked for my number. he didnt even wait until we finally reach the sidewalk before he ask if i brought my phone with me. and yes, its no huge deal except that i have just recently been in a heartbreak and you dont know what goes through the mind of a broken kat just to keep her from feeling bad about herself after m.c...
*sigh* it really felt nice because after centuries, a guy i like finally asked for my number. and whats nicer is that i wasnt expecting it...i mean were not really friends..he's just a friend of a friend. and Mi said he was watching me..i dont really believe it but it was nice hearing it. On msn we were talking and out of nowhere he just said.."you seem honest.nice...and you haven't lost your shyness....that's rare but really nice...most of japanese girls have lost their shyness..."If someone stops to think about what kind of a person you are, does that mean that for that person you are worth a minute to think about? Or does that simply mean he's just the kind who says whats on his mind and that he apparently thinks about a lot of things and one of which is people's personality? And on another msn conversation he said i look like a princess and when i told him he's only kidding me, he said he was pretty serious. And on my mind im like, oh please stop saying nice things to me im fragile right now.
the least thing i ever needed now is something to confuse my already confused mind. i mean he asked for my number but rarely texts me...he'd say nice things to me on msn but sometimes signs online without even saying hello. and that's not only it. my dear friend told me she thinks she may be falling for him too. and now i feel guilty liking him. i dont even know if he's really t.c. and not r.c. (rebound crush)...with t.c. i dont get nervous seeing his screen name appear online, i dont do those silly things i do when i like someone. And this makes me more guilty talking to him because if my friend likes him more than i do, then i should stop talking to him so there'd be no more nice things that might come from him and that might make me like him more. aaargh. i dont know where my thoughts are going right now. if ony guys were easier to figure out. if only actions and words could be interpreted in one and only way. if only he didnt ask for my number. if only The One were here...then i wouldnt be confused by all the wrong guys.
i knew it. i should have stood to my promise to myself before, that ill only like filipinos.
Where did you find it? Interesting read » »
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(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
How to make a Falling Star |
Ingredients: 1/2 cup of naivety 3/4 cup of laughter 1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity |
Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!* |
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...
in the movie "in the mood for love," if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole...then they cover it with mud, leaving the secret there forever...
this is my hole...