Sunday, December 05, 2004

*_*:

i dont know what was i thinking.

i dont understand myself anymore.

it used to be just on buying stuff that i'm impulsive. like i would accompany my friend to the mall void with any intention of buying anything but almost often its me who end up buying. and even when i absolutely dont need that stuff as long as it caught my attention and as long as my budget at the moment could afford it, i cant (89% of the time) resist the temptation of taking it home.

its just that i had this small talk with joane and she told me about her and this guy she's known for years and she asked me about mc. she asked me if i immensely like him...but after hearing her say that i couldnt possibly be seriously falling for him because i barely know him while she and this guy have been beating around the bush for four years now...well, what was left for me to say? i just said that it was nothing. just a tiny little insignificant minor crush. *deepdeepsigh* but i honestly dont know if i believe myself. *tears*

i dont feel okay. i am not okay.

does it really matter how long you've known each other?

my friends here in tokyo have this completely different idea of a relationship from my friends back at home...now im stuck in the middle. i used to believe that girls should wait forever until the guy of her dreams finally notice and have the courage to walk up to her and pursue her. my friends back at home were a bit shocked when i said that two of my friends here have boyfriends already. it would have shocked me too if i hadnt been here and if i hadnt meet these people. my friends here aren't flirts. theyre decent girls...very wonderful people, very shy sometimes...they have insecurities too, and they also think sometimes that they're not pretty enough for this someone...they just happen to believe that if someone's special enough for you, you should at least let the person know for you can never tell what could happen if you didnt. and i see nothing wrong with that. although that i am still not capable of doing.*sigh*. why do i have to be brought up in a country that places utter importance in demureness in the highest degree, where if you fall below that level and ask a guy out or have a certain guy for a boyfriend after meeting him for less than 2 months or so, they'd think youre a flirt. when in fact, flirtness and taking a risk for someone (you know is special to you because your heart beats unusually around him) are completely different things. its absolutely unreasonable to associate the two together. you can still be decent, and respectable, and nice, even when youre just a female who gathered that courage enough to tell the guy you like that you care for him...

i dont know why this is stressing me out.

can anyone really command their hearts to just fall for the guys you've meet in no less than 4 months or 3? anyone you've meet in less than that time couldnt possibly be a 'falling in like' case. "impossible." "it has to be nothing...it has to be just an INFATUATION...it couldnt be anything more than that. youre silly if you think youre actually falling.""its just a misplaced feeling..."

*tears*

i just dont want to be asked anymore what i feel about mc. okay, im young. im inexperienced. i couldnt distinguish between 'falling in like' and 'falling in love'. i dont know whats real and whats not. what's infatuation and what's serious. my only idea of love is those i've read in novels and seen on movies. *tears*tears*tears*...i dont need anyone to rub it in. i know i know nothing. i dont need anyone to belittle my feelings. maybe...yeah this is nothing...im just being the impulsive me..

i dont know whats upsetting me. its just that ive been told twice today (yesterday, that is..i haven't been sleeping yet) that i couldnt be falling for him...that im just mistaking my feelings for something else. (not the excat words but that's how i understood it). okay...my apologies for being clueless about love/like...from now on no more 'mc talk.'

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About Falling Star

my friend said this about me on friendster.com...but i'm afraid she might have been drunk when she wrote this: Kristine, 02/16/2004: kl... witty, sincere, cry baby, pretty, holy, fragile, precious, innocent and sweet... definitely too good to be true... :)

See my complete profile

Falling star's many names

elle(=mama calls me this)
marumaruchan
baby(=ate calls me this)
munchkin
onigiri
tabs
crown
bungkakelkel
fries
kaye
kL
tike
peps
kuting
kath
etoile_fillante

Vanity

Loves

neoprints
falling in like (makes me happy, worried, giggly, scared...its a roller coaster. often painful but worth it)
seeing papa or mama or ate laugh soOo hard...anything that makes them happy makes me twice as happy.
a long hot shower
stars
music box
receiving bouquet of flowers
flying kites
walking barefoot on the grass
wearing newly washed pjs
dressing up or trying out costumes
theater
music
pigging out
time alone
climbing trees

Detests

egotistic bitchy evil jerks
any slimy crawling creature (snake, catterpillar, whatever...)
tokyo earthquakes (because they happen a lot and they scare me because my family's not here and no one can protect me :()

Wish List

1. to be in two places at one time. i wish i could stay here longer than my intended stay, and yet i wish to be home too.
2.a music box in the tune of "wind beneath my wings"
3. the one
4.to get my old weight back. i dont even wish to be thinner, i only wish to be able to wear three of my now-i-cant-wear trousers
5.to be loved (by a boy)
6.to be remembered in a nice way
7.to be able to eat all the ice creams and cakes and chocolates i want without getting fat
8.what else?! still thinking....

Favorite Movies...

The Classic
A Walk To Remember
Ima Ai Ni Yukimasu
My Sassy Girl
The Land Before Time
In The Mood For Love
Amelie
Children of Heaven
Serendipity
My Life In Pink
Moulin Rouge
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Love Undercover 2
I Am Sam
A Tale of Two Sisters

Music Box...

MYMP
Kitchie Nadal
Coldplay
Rascal Flatts
Counting Crows
Alanis Morissette
Avril Lavigne
Beatles
The Carpenters
Chantal Kreviazuk
The Corrs
Dido
Enya
Moonstar88
Jamie Rivera
Parokya ni Edgar
Heather Nova
Jewel
Lene Marlin
Lisa Loeb
Maroon5
Norah Jones
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Barbie's Cradle
Sarah McLachlan
Sixpence None The Richer
Sophie B. Hawkins
Vonda Shepard
Evanescence

~~Things I like in a boy...~~

(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)

someone who believes in my dreams...someone who believes in me.
faithful. to God and to me.
someone who can enjoy the small things in life, like waking up at night just to gaze at the stars or walking barefoot on the grass.
someone who i can enjoy silence with...someone i could spend a day with without having to utter any word or sound and yet feel like that was one of the best days i've had.
someone who i can feel safe with. someone i can trust with my life. someone who will take care of me. of course i dont need to be taken care of... i mean until now ive never been with anyone but im still doing okay....but, i guess...i just want to feel being cared for.
a little boy at heart. ^_^
someone who can tell me my hair's a mess--but can get away with it without offending me. someone who can criticize me but would not make me feel less special.
loves my family and friends. because my family is everything to me. and they are part of who i am...its uh...package deal. ^_^
someone i can be friends with long after the sparks fade and the feelings lost, for whats the point of getting to know each other and investing so much emotions then just hate each other in the end when things dont work out?
someone who i dont have to spend every single day with for me to feel loved.
someone who kneels down and pray.
someone i can feel at home with.
eto pa...^_^

Things I like in a boy...(edited version)

(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)

someone possible
someone who i love and someone who can love me back

current mood

How to make a Falling Star

Ingredients:
1/2 cup of naivety
3/4 cup of laughter
1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!*

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I always wanted to be someone else...but im being unfair to myself. it should be okay to be me..

Shout It Out...
and Let Falling Star Know...

Talkflooble chatterbox, a free javascript chat tag board / shoutbox / tagboard program for your xanga, diary, blogger or weblogBlackjack Rules

I would love to see you on my guestbook...click here.

it's a long long journey...

...till i find my way home to you.

xxx JUNE ARCHIVE under construction xxx

Archives

November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005

three months from now...
i'm demented
deja vu
He is enough for me
never get tired.
im scared...
exactly l-mae...
hmmph!
thank God for ate joey
'if i have to fall may it be from a high place...'

Thoughts to ponder on...

When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...

everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...

do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...

do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...

do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...

do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...

Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...

We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.

"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse

"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles

The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...

Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before

Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...

why is it so damn hard to fall in love?

The Truth About Falling Star

more wishes

What is the sound of a Heart Breaking?

its the sound of the conversations you made up in your head that never happened. its the sound of the pages of your book as you skim through it...as you try in vain to wander in another world. its the sound of his laugh playing in your head, or his voice that you seem to hear everywhere only for you to turn and realize it wasnt him...that it was just your head playing tricks on you. its the sound of your pen as it touches your journal as you try to write your feelings hoping itll ebb away along with the ink in your pen. its the sound of a sad song as it pricks your heart. its the sound of your footsteps on the ground, walking alone. its the sound of your laugh that hides the pain inside...its every little sound...

its every little sound because when your heart breaks....you feel like even the rain is talking to you, crying with you...or the wind, trying to comfort you by sending you a breeze...sometimes its the laugh and sweet whisperings of the couple sitting beside you on the train as if mocking you...or his laugh that shows no sign of pain, no sign that he is affected in anyway...

but mostly, its the sound of your tears rolling down your cheeks...its the sobs...its the sound of your heart catching for breath because you were crying a lot...you almost ran out of it...

its a familiar sound, but not quite...because although youve gone through it before...its always a different sound....

and yes, destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you...

in the movie "in the mood for love," if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole...then they cover it with mud, leaving the secret there forever...

this is my hole...