...write poems ages ago. they all seem to revolve around the same thing: my unlovelife lovelife. but i wonder howcome i cant do the same thing now...i mean, there still are probably a thousand words i havent used yet to describe The Catastrophe, which is also known as my ill-fated lovelife...i guess i just dont seem to have enough of the faith i had in love before, or maybe i just had a short-lived poetic inclination...whatever it was, i still lack of it now.
here are the poems i've kept...(some of my poems i may have not completely lost, theres still a possibility that i can unearth them from my boxes of old notebooks, notes, little loveletters (from friends) and whatevers in my room at home.)
Borrowed. Edited.
(this isnt really my poem. when i needed moving on myself, i borrowed it and edited.)
No, please don't try to reason with me.
This is too much.
I will try not to think of you
when I wake up in the morning
and ask myself if somehow you are also awake.
I have my own life to lead
and my own life to think of.
No, I wont even think of you
when I'm eating my lunch
wondering if you're doing the same thing...
Besides, sooner or later I know you will.
No. Never again will I go to my room
and lock my self in
Just to have some privacy to piteously think of you,
Imagine,
Dream,
Cry,
or do some silly things because of you...
That has deprived me of
more worthwhile things to do for the past months
and no; I won't let that happen again.
I have piles of readings to do,
People starving to death to pray for,
Dishes to wash,
A cave, filled with discarded candy wrappers,
crumpled papers,
long lost socks,
and probably newborn creatures
crawling around under my bed that I must fumigate...
I'd rather do those things than fill my mind
with thoughts of you once more.
And no, never will I think of you last
when I go to sleep.
Sleep is my only rest...
so please don't plague me in my dreams.
I am moving on.
I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile
And think not of why I was never part of your life
But that once you were part of mine...
and has once filled me with dreams
and hopes I never thought existed...
and smiles that unbelievably
filled my supposedly frown-full days.
And if I feel the need to cry,
it will not be for the future
that I doubt we will ever have,
it will not be because
I see you holding someone else's hand
and looking into somebody else's eyes
nor of the anger
or self-pity
that I feel inside,
but I will cry
Because of a love
that I never was able to share
with the one man that I felt it for.
I will cry for the love
that was lost,
A love that was not reciprocated
Or even received.
I will cry for the love
and not for the man
who left and ignored it.
I will try to give my affections to a man who is in need of it,
but not my heart...
Because...well...I still am trying to get it back from you.
I will try to give him the affections
that you never wanted...
I would try to think of him and not you.
He may not have the one thing
that I so loved about you
but at least he's here...
you��e not...
I��l try to muster all the strength
that I have from the deepest of my being
and have the courage to smile when I think of you...
i will try to smile
Even if it takes pretension.
It will be tough...but...
I am moving on now...
I want to move on...
until the make-believe smile becomes real...
I am moving on now...
And hoping that the next thing would be letting go.
You Stood There
(written ages ago)
You stood there
And my heart was caught off guard.
Never wanting to leave your sight
Yet hoping the earth would open up and swallow me whole.
But the earth didn't.
It let me melt, and go unnoticed like the tears in the rain.
I hope the rain would stop.
Coz I want you to see me like the stars in the night,
a candle in the dark.
But it was early in the morning.
The sun shines bright up as your smile glows with it.
Oh I could smile that way, too.
But would you see it?
Would you see me the way I see you?
Naah.
I breathe my last breath without knowing you love me too.
Now you're looking at the sky
Smiling.
Hoping I was there with you.
I smiled too.
Though you can never see me...
You stood there...and I am with you.
Untitled I
(written ages ago)
I see the roses
but I couldn't smell it.
The winds made it dance gracefully in the air.
But all I saw was a soul struggling to stand up.
I look at the sky.
The clouds are overwhelming.
It looked down upon me.
Quiet and sad.
Then it cried.
Weeping as I quivered in the cold of the night.
Lamentations went on.
And on until the darkness devoured me.
Eating my hopes, my dreams,
and everything that was left of the light.
The blinding brightness welcomed me in the morning.
Another day to smell the roses,
another day to cry.
And my heart sunk
for there is no way out.
I walked just a couple of steps.
My knees and my feet whined.
The weight on my feet is getting burdensome.
How I longed to recline.
Just when I was to give up,
I very least expected it that my soul would be lifted high.
I have waited a lifetime for this moment
Thinking it will never come.
But it did.
How can I ever thank you dear,
For giving me that smile.
Untitled II
( written ages ago [-> w.a.a.])
I begged for the stars
To shine upon you
in the hours of darkness.
In the cold of the night.
For I couldn't be there
even if I long to be at your side.
I begged the winds to blow upon you.
Touch your face
the way I would have wanted to.
And whisper the words
I could not utter to you.
I begged for the road to be gentle.
Roll out its invisible carpet along your path.
Even out its impurities.
I wish you'd have a pleasant journey in this life.
I begged for the storm to come tomorrow instead of today.
Let you relish the daylight.
Enjoy the moment.
Laugh today.
I would have given every single possession I hold
to have my pleas be heard up above.
But I guess that is not the true desire of my heart.
What I longed for from the start...
What my heart pleads to have.
The world be turned upside down...
Have you look at me with the same eyes I have for you now
And beg for these things I beg now.
Star-crossed
(w.a.a.)
I wanted to touch the stars,
the moon,
the sky.
But they are far from my reach.
Far from my grasp.
I wanted to dance with the wind.
But there is no wind.
And my feet are sore.
I wanted to hear the birds singing.
But they've gone mute.
And I've gone deaf.
I wanted to smell the roses.
But they haven't bloomed yet.
They are sleeping,
still dreaming in the bosom of their shelter.
I wanted to see the apple turn orange.
But it never will.
Even if a wait relentlessly,
Waste my youth,
orFritter away what was left of my life.
I wanted to tell a story.
But I know nothing.
And no one would hear me.
I wanted to keep the dawn.
I wanted to hide from the light...
and the dark.
But the morning came,
the noon,
the dusk
and the night.
I wanted to dream of happy thoughts.
But in the hours of darkness
I am always left shuddering with fright.
From visions of menacing figures
Playing in my head.
Playing in my heart.
I wanted to cry.
And release all my angst.
Relieve myself of sorrow.
So I could smile at last.
But I have no tears left.
No tears left to weep.
All the things I longed for never ensued.
Was I to blame for yearning too much?
For craving the impossible,
For looking for what was not there and could never be there?
Or was I just ill-fated...
Unlucky in this life.
Sa tabi ng daan
(w.a.a.)
Paparating na naman ang auto
Maalikabukan na naman ako.
Magkukulay putik
Ang dating mapupulang damit ko.
Ilang araw na lang at malalagas na ako
Babalik sa lupa
O kaya nama'y dadalhin
Ng hangin sa malayong lupain
Maaaring apak-apakan
O kaya'y hindi pansinin
Nakakalungkot
Bakit doon pa ako umusbong?
Kung saan walang
Magtatangkang tumigil
Upang ako'y pagmasdan
Kungsaan ang aking halimuyak ay hindi magattagal
Bakit doon...
Doon sa tabi ng daan.
Please don't.
(w.a.a.)
Please don't stare at me like that...
As if you're seeing through me...
As if just another second and you'll know my thoughts...
And as if you're happy reading
and knowing what's in my heart and mind...
Please don't.
Please don't smile that way...
As if there's no tomorrow...
As if you're happy to just see me...
As if you're happy I�� there...
As if you're grateful that the world seemed to conspire to bring us together.
Please don't.
Please don't say things
that might lead me to think I'm special...
That might make me believe in my dreams...
That might make me hope...
More than I should.
Please don't.
Please don't act as if you care...
I�� begging you...please don't.
Because every time you do that...
It leaves a smile on my face.
A smile I know would soon fade��
Miles
(w.a.a.)
Here I go again
Cracking my brain with memories of you
Leaving my heart in pain
But still doing the same
I've kept you in my heart
Along with the hopes,
The fears, the love, the doubt
It's where you are
And where you'll always be
You stole my heart
And now I cant seem to take it back
I feel so hopeless and weak
And yet I always want to feel this way.
Our worlds had always been apart
And now even a sight of you
I can't have
But I love you just the same
Though were
thousands and thousands of miles apart
Might as well
(w.a.a.)
Because I am not a wind
and I couldn't whisper in your ears
or even come close to you.
Because I am in tears inside
but my eyes wont betray me
and instead I fake a smile.
Because I try to utter a word
but nothings coming out of my mouth
Because I cant wait in vain
for the moment to come...
and because this is not a perfect world
and I couldn't be at your side...
I might as well just write poems...
Living in dreams.
(w.a.a.)
I looked into your eyes
and I knew I was living in my dreams.
I stared at you
and I knew when I wake up
my heart would be broken.
All over again.
But it is okay.
This is all a dream anyway.
I looked at you for the second time
and I knew I want to live in my dreams.
I wish I don't have to wake up.
Because this is where I want to be.
In your arms.
Safe.
In your arms.
Even only in dreams.
This is where I'll be.
No one can take me away from here.
I looked at you for the third time.
and was stunned by what i saw
You were also living in your dreams.
Right here with me.
You don't want to wake up.
With me is where you want to be.
Safe.
Even only in dreams
Is This Me?
(w.a. and ages a.)
I've always wondered what it is inside of me
The real person that I ought to be
Outside I am happy, warm, and free.
But why am I sad when everything around me seems so glad?
Sometimes it seem to me that the world around me don't agree
To what I am feeling inside of me
When I look at the mirrorI see the usual me.
The picture of the childish little girl
That my friends have known me.
I should be problem-free
Like the child I'm still supposed to be
But why do lots of things bother me?
Why can't I appreciate the good things that are happening to me?
How can I feel so incomplete when God provided me abundantly?
What is the deeper color of the picture I see?
Is this really me?
How can a heart heal?
(this ones unfinished...but written ages ago na din)
How can a heart heal?
If questions were left unanswered.
If the dawn keeps on coming
When all I needed is to hide in the dark...
Be devoured by the night...
And succumb in an endless sleep.
How can one come out
Unsullied and unwounded
after diving into the sea
that has promised me warmth
but only gave me cold instead?
The ghosts and monsters still hunt me in my dreams...
I held out a hand to you...
But you were looking somewhere else...
Until the rabble engulf me...
Her Paradox.
(w.a.a.)
She smiles though she's sad.
She stands though she's tired
She hopes though she despairs.
She believes though she doubts
She lives though inside she's dying
She dreams though awake
She could feel in spite her numbness
She knows yet she's clueless.
She's strong yet weak.
Goodbye.
(may '04)
And I walked passed that road again.
Like all the other days...
The memory hunts me once more.
And I felt sorrow the way it never hurt before.
It was more real.
More painful.
The tears
It seemed to pour without end.
And despite my resolve to never recall...
I reminisce you calling my name.
And the sound of it cuts through my deepest being...
Why did you have to call me then?
You called me and paced that road to home with me...
You never held my hand
Or walked me to the end...
And that was okay.
Not until that fateful day
When even after we part ways
I feel your presence...
When though our talks lasted for only a while
It plays ceaselessly on my mind,
Like a film shown a thousand times.
I didn't know all along,
I haven't been guarding my heart.
I didn't know all along,
You could entrap my heart.
But how I wish now it never happened...
Had I known it was all too easy for you to desert me just like that...
I am saying goodbye now.
I will try to leave you and the memories to yesterday...
Where it belong...
Where it will be distant,
It can wound me no more.
I will let the gallant waves
Wash away the sand castle of hope I built for us...
Bid farewell
So I could move on at last.
Tomorrow when I walk pass that road,
I fear your shadow would hound me again...
So if I feel the need to cry,
I will let the tears flow
Until there's no more left to cry...
But no,
It will not be for the misery you left me with
Nor for the sand castle that is all gone now...
It will be for the girl that I once was...
The girl who fell for you.
The girl I will have to leave behind...
with you and the memories... in the past.
An Apology
(w.a.a.)
When I first saw you,
I wasn't expecting it would turn out like this.
You were standing there in the hallway
And I was approaching your way.
Your figure caught my eyes.
Back then I didn't know it caught my heart too.
The days flew so rapidly
As if they are bullets that just got out of their prison cell.
My heart grew fonder of you.
There were even days that your sight is an aspirin for me.
Or a Prozac I can't live without.
It relieves me from the sadness of every day.
But then at times it is a disease.
And sometimes a thief
that robs me of my energy, hopes, and dreams.
I get so weak when you're near.
But I get even weaker
when you are too far to reach.
I must have given you headaches those days,
But I hope I didn't.
I know you have noticed me
Glancing at you so often.
I am so sorry I have to do that.
I tried not to.
Really tried.
But it has become the habit of my eyes.
Sorry if it agitates you so badly.
It perks up my mornings
knowing that I would be seeing you in a while.
I bet it's the opposite for you.
I am sorry if I added to the reasons
why school just sucks for you.
I hope you know
I never meant to make you feel that way.
At night, I am sorry if I ever woke you up with my pleas.
But I guess you never heard it
because despite my wishes
I never saw you in my dreams.
I'm sorry you have to bear with the attention I am giving you.
I know you never asked
or even wanted it.
I never meant to be selfish.
Falling for you was never my plan.
So now I bid you goodbye.
Sparing you a life without me
is all I could offer now.
Please accept my apology....
Pardon me again...for until now I am hoping that
All I said were results of another paranoia attack...
That those apologies were never really needed
For you have always loved me too from the start.
After Beloved
(w.a.a.)
I am in love with the passionflower.
Its pale lavender color, its soft petals
And its perfume-like scent.
I have only heard of it.
Haven't laid eyes on it even in pictures yet.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the stars.
The way it stood out in the dark night sky.
The way it promise hopes and wishes come true
In its bright light amidst the blackness of the night sky.
I don't know how to reach it.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the wings of an angel.
Its feathers in its sheen whiteness.
The sound of it when it flutters
The way it carries those heavenly beings up above.
If they exists, I'm not sure.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the rainbow.
The way it puts back color and mirth in the sky
after it was robbed of its glow by the fuming storm.
The way it belies hopelessness, anxiety, and fear.
I still can't find where it starts and ends.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the soft wind.
The feel of its touch on my cheeks.
It embraces me with its gentleness and caresses me deep within.
I don't know why it never gets tired of always being there without being seen.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with the fairytales
It was sprinkled with charm
And made to tickle the heart of a child.
I don't know why it always has to have happy-endings.
But I know someday I will.
I am in love with music.
With every note that possesses harmony.
It scares all my worries and troubles away.
I can't grasp why it always wipes away my tears.
But I know someday I will.
Most of all, I am in love with you.
For no real reason at all.
I never got used to the sound of my heart catching in my throat
at the sight of you.
My heart just can't contain the idea
of shooing the butterflies
that swarms my tummy when you're nearing me.
You and I are two wonderful worlds apart
And I'd faint in disbelief and overwhelming joy
if you smile at me one day.
I know your name and I guess you've heard mine.
We often cross paths in the hallways.
But mere strangers--that's what we are.
Will fate be nice and tell me one day,
You feel the same for me too?
I don't know when will that be.
But I hope someday I will.
Again.
(w.a.a.)
I'm in tears.
Again.
A flower no one has ever stopped at to smell.
A sun shining brightly up above but no one has ever bothered to gaze upon.
A rain meaning to give life to a wilting flower but all welcomed with scorn.
A song beautifully made but no one ever heard.
A guitar never played.
A paper no one ever used.
A dress never tried on.
A story never told.
I'm in tears.
Again.
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By Anonymous, at 4:42 PM
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
How to make a Falling Star |
Ingredients: 1/2 cup of naivety 3/4 cup of laughter 1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity |
Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!* |
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...
in the movie "in the mood for love," if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole...then they cover it with mud, leaving the secret there forever...
this is my hole...