my eyes and my head hurts from too much crying, and it was because of too many reasons. first is about ate and how i wish things were different...i really wish i could help her but i couldnt and i could have if only i were more careful but now there's nothing i can do and it pains me thinking how much it will hurt ate. its just too much for her.
then about my leaving. i am both happy and sad. happy because i realized how much i am being loved and sad because im far away from them now...double sad because i wanted to stay but i couldnt.
then the song "couldve been". its just makes me so sad...reminds me of~~i guess im falling all over again.
i guess i like him still because last last night when i was too drunk they took me to the hospital, when i woke up and saw some people still there, i kind of hoped he stayed too...my eyes were searching for him despite the pain in my head, the weird taste of my mouth, the pain in my stomach and the i-need-to-throw-up feeling...and it disappointed me that he wasnt there. my body was weak but my mind was busy asking myself if i could like someone who couldnt stay with me until the end when im all messed up. i was like, if bryant who doesnt have a care in the world could be there~~where is he? i must have really meant nothing to him because he left.
in the morning i had to mention it to miryll. she said he went to the hospital too and he did pat my back. for a moment there it made me happy and hopes up. but at the end of the day, he was still the guy who didnt stay with me until the end.
it wouldnt have hurt if i never tried to fit him into this image of a guy who can like me, and just see him like a normal guy friend instead. if i just did, id have felt happier because atleast he stayed a bit, even walked from ichigaya to the hospital, and patted my back.
today i went to owsan's home for eating fest--he was there. that was the closest i ever came close to him~~and its not even close close. just civil talk (1/5) and silence (4/5).
when owsan said he'd come, im like, "shit. i look awful." i wanted to do something with my terribly messy hair but i couldnt...its just messy. and when he finally came, im like "oh my he's here and my hair's still The Mess that it is." and all those time, i wasnt nervous but im at a loss on what to do either. i was conscious of my nihongo and careful not to say a bad grammar. why does his opinion have to matter anyway? he may not even have an opinion of me!
at some point i was telling myself not to worry about not having anything talk to him about because thats just the way it is. i liked him, he knew...and things will never go back to the way they were. i can never talk to him the way i would talk to normal guy friends.
i made this strawberry ref cake...and when it didnt freeze the way it should have had~ i was like "great. just when i needed it to be perfect~thats when it decides it doesnt want to be perfect."
when its almost time to go home, i went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. gawdd why do i have to be soOo ordinary? you know the feeling when you wanted something very much but you just cant have it? you know the feeling when you wanted someone to like you but they just wouldnt and couldnt? you know the feeling when you wanted to be above ordinary for someone, but you cant because youre just too ordinary?
its painful. its painful when everyone else likes you and thinks youre an amazing friend but the one person you wish could look and see you in a special way just see you as plainly ordinary...or even below that? painful.
of all people, why did i have to fall for him? wenwen said he likes kawaii and chotto futoi girls. then again people have different ideas of what kawaii is. apparently for him im just not the kawaii kind...im just the girl who blends in the crowd.
its easier to say im moving on already when i cant see him but now that i could see him everyweek..i realized i still care...about how i look when he's around...about what he might think...about anything that concerns him. i still care after all. and its soOo dame falling all over again.
why? why him? why do i hvea to feel like i have to be more than ordinary for him when he is quite ordinary himself?
why? why him? why this feeling?
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By Anonymous, at 1:37 AM
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
(hehehehe...in random order...^_^)
How to make a Falling Star |
Ingredients: 1/2 cup of naivety 3/4 cup of laughter 1/4 cup & 1 tsp. of insecurity |
Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness. Sprinkle a bit of craziness (it's not complete without that!). Serve chilled with a smile. And recently, i discovered that if you add a pinch of faith, it'll be a lot better. Yum!*Do not overindulge!* |
When i lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that i loved you but you will never be loved again the way that i did...
everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. illness, injury, failures, love lost, memories of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of one's soul. without the small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. it would be safe and comfortable but uttery pointless...
do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special...
do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. by living your life, one day at a time, you live all the days of your life...
do not be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking risks that we learn how to be brave...
do not run through life so fast that you forget, not only where you have been, but also where you are going...
Humankind get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again...
We cannot make anyone love us. All we can do is let ourselves be loved.
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive." - Eleonora Duse
"This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends." - Euripedes
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles
The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love, love someone else.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then its not the end.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Men are not worthy of precious tears, they just make us look terrible...
Its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone; you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for grantd the days doing nothing when you could have been with them. anyone can be taken at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until theyre gone to say the things we never had the courage to before
Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if i wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along...
in the movie "in the mood for love," if someone had a secret they didnt want to share, they go up to a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in it and whisper the secret into the hole...then they cover it with mud, leaving the secret there forever...
this is my hole...